>>Has anyone else read "Too Good To Leave/Too Bad To Stay"? If so what were your thoughts and on the book and the prognoisis for your marriage based on the 36 guidelines?<<
Yes. I read it. I read parts of it too many times to count. In some ways, I found it to be one of the most helpful books in dealing with my ex-wife's affair. Looking back, I think that it was one of the books that helped me most to wade through all of the chaos and confusion and to begin to focus on the really important issues. I still felt indecisive even after reading it and I remember wondering if the problem was with me or with the book. With the advantage of hindsight, I'd have to admit the problem was definitely me. The book was about as good as any book could be. It was helpful in the sense that, after reading it (and rereading it) I began asking the right question more often.
I remember that there were many parts of the book that I reread but there were a few parts that I went back to repeatedly. Strangely (or not), I now can't remember which parts they were.
So, I looked them up. For me, Chapter 10 was probably the most important chapter. Not coincidentally, the chapter begins with an anecdote about a woman married to an alcoholic for 32 years.
Here are a few other parts of the book that were especially helpful in my case:
Off-the-table-itis (pp 93-104)
Diagnostic question #15 (p 143).
"But he's also got to convey the sense that he sees how what he's doing is a problem for you; and that there is nothing wrong with you because it's a problem for you." (p 144)
"You've got to watch out for one of the slipperiest ways people refuse to acknowledge their problems: they get hurt" (p 145)
pp 147-148
"I don't know what your bottom lines are and I would never tell you what they should be, but ... what I know is that you have them .... " (p 163)
pp 197-199
p 227
"... when one person in a relationship does something to cause a lot of hurt and anger, there are two completely opposite reactions that even after all my years of clinical work still impress me: (1) The utter violence and craziness of people's responses (particularly in the short run) (2) People's total capacity for complete denial or avoidance (particularly in the long run)." p229
Apologies for the length of this post - I liked the book alot.
