... and anyone else in a similar situation. If memory serves correctly your H's A resulted in an OC. My H's A did as well, and as it stands now H has not seen OC in over a month and has supposedly told OW that he doesn't want any future contact with either of them. But I feel like I can't focus on, and put any real hope, into our relationship until everything regarding OC is resolved. It is impossible for me to look at my future with so many questions unresolved about OC. For starters, H signed an acknowledgement of paternity without having having a DNA test (another genius move of his), and to this day has not done anything to find out if he can still request one. From some on-line research I think in our state it's too late for him to "un-do" his acknowledgement and would still be legally responsible for OC regardless of the outcome, but how can he not want to know for sure? And why is he totally disregarding how important it is for me to know for sure? Second, OW has "threatened" to go through the state to mandate CS but we have yet to see where she actually has. I don't think the amount he pays her would change significantly either way. He continues to pay her weekly support directly even though he knows that if it does go to court there is no guarantee they will give him credit for amounts paid directly to her. Third, OW brought up the issue of whether he wants to terminate his parental rights. He agreed that it sounded like a good idea (and on the surface I agree) but has taken no steps to find out what this really means and how it would effect his legal rights/responsibilities now and in the future. H's way of dealing with things has always been to ignore them and hope they go away. He has this ridiculous idea that whatever's going to happen will happen regardless of what he does or doesn't do. I know that makes no logical sense, but several people in his family are exactly the same way - they all just deny that anything unpleasant exists and refuse to accept personal responsibility. Wish I had seen more of that before the wedding!It's aggravating as hell in a normal situation, and almost unbearable now. My patience and strength are wearing very thin. I refuse to contact an attorney on H's behalf or do any more research on his situation. He created this mess and he has to fix it. My dilema is - what if he doesn't "fix" it and continues to just let things go at the mercy of OW? Is that my deal breaker? In other ways he is doing the things I've requested - telling me when OW leaves messages (which is several times a week over stupid made up things), being more helpful around the house, talking more, etc. But it's not enough and I don't think it ever will be enough if it means OW will keep making excuses to contact him. I think the reason he's dragging his feet through all this is because he really doesn't want to end contact with her, and as long as things are unresolved it gives her every reason and ability to keep calling him. I wonder how much of that is because he still can't come to terms with the C/NC decision about his son. I really don't think he wants to be a father to this child, but he can't let go of the guilt and misplaced responsibility he feels. Anyway, just needed to vent and hoped you had some words of wisdom or could share how you were able to get through that part of your life. Thanks!
This message has been edited by disbelieving on Apr 17, 2006 1:10 PM
Hi,
I was in that situation for along time, I waited for H to do the right thing, the right way. I struggled with the fact that I had something so totally out of my control, I couldn't file the papers, I couldn't question the attorneys/courts, I couldn't make him do anything. I threatened, I begged, I worried, I tried everything and anything. For me, nothing worked. He didn't want to do the right thing. And the sad fact is that it never goes away. Time has made it so much better for me, but the circumstances are the same. 3 years later and he still hasn't done anything. I think the drama of the A fed a need in him that he now feeds through the drama of the OW/OC.
I know this probably isn't the case with you and your H. And I, at times, can be one of the most positive people in the world when it comes to OC. I think I've been through it all when it comes to OW/OC's, but the only thing I truly regret is that I didn't end everything on Dday and never looked back. I'm not suggesting you do that, everyone is different and thank goodness, my way is not the only way. But I do think that if I had put my foot down and said, this way or no way, I would have saved myself years of misery from the start. By the time I had figured that out, it was to little to late.
Why pay CS if your not going to get credit for it through the court systems? You'll only have to repay it. Why not go through the legal system to set up court ordered guidelines on how to deal with the OW/OC such as communication, etc.? Why not know your legal options? I don't understand why my XH didn't want to do it the right way other than it's so much easier to do it the wrong way. I know it's embarrassing, I know it's uncomfortable, I know it's all kinds of things, but I also know it might have saved my marriage.
I'm sorry, I'm rambling, but I wanted to let you know that your not alone. There are so many of us who have been there and I wish I could spare you some of the pain I've already been through. Please let me know if you ever need someone to talk to.
My H agreed at one time - finally - to go for DNA testing. He never did, the point for me was moot at that time anyway. He was/is bonded to this child and believes he is his father.
I would suggest going CS route. Easier, safer route there is in my book. Hopefully your H does not use cash and has some doc. to back up his payments.
Termination of parental rights would means your H would have nothing to do or any responsibilites towards this child. The Court does not see this in a positive way since that way CS would be in question and termination is not for fathers wanting to skirt their financial responsiblities.
The way OW finally got out of "our" "my" life is when she got married, and that happened rather shortly after my H came back home to stay.
OC is also on my H's health insurance.
I am very familiar - by now - with my H's passive/aggressive ways and his terminal belief (lol) in thinking and staying positive ... I can be an overly concrete thinker at times and H is the sort of 'everything will work out' 'it takes time' thinker lol lol
I have to stop now - something I need my attention right now... (work related).
I am bs with 2 alleged OC by the same OW. I just discovered their (ages 15 & 9) existence August 2005.
Paternity has never been established and no routine cs.
My H has secretly visited these children over the years and he says he believes they are his but he did have doubts in the beginning. He says they look like him and our d and I don't see it at all.
I am not pushing paternity right now for legal reasons and my h has went extremely limited contact. OW has insisted that I never be allowed to meet the child or she will refuse c. I think this is a ploy to cause a disruption in our m and hope my h will leave or I will throw him out. Even if that happens I seriously doubt that he will ever marry her and he will probably go on to marry someone else.
[quote] He has this ridiculous idea that whatever's going to happen will happen regardless of what he does or doesn't do. I know that makes no logical sense, but several people in his family are exactly the same way - they all just deny that anything unpleasant exists and refuse to accept personal responsibility. [quote]
My h is like that also and I see where it is something he has learned from his family. Things just don't go away. The legal route, be it termination of rights or court ordered cs/visitation is the best way to do it.
It seems as though your h is trying to go nc with the OW and she is trying to pursue him. The same thing happened in my situation, (she kept calling him at work, after being told not to, and complaining about me) until my h once told her something I had already said to her in another phone conversation dad=step-mom, no step-mom=no dad. She can't have it both ways.
Then OW tried to seek an injunction (like a restraining order) against me toward her and the 2 children alleging I had "disrupted the relationship between her and her children" & that I had caused anguish to her and her children.
I know I would not have believed it, if I hadn't been served the papers myself.
It will take a long time to get through this. It has been less than 8 months for me and I think they say it is an avg of 2 years to recover from a (even w/o OC). When there is an OC, it really is forever and that is what I think you need to look at. You have to take it day by day because you really can't do anything else right now.
Check the laws in your state, I orginially thought the OW could go back as far as birth since she told my h she thought the children were his before birth.
If nothing else this court case has benefited us in that I found out their was recently legislation in our state that limits back cs to 3 years when the OW knew where the father was.
My h is not ever going to pursue anything legal and the OW has SAID she will never pursue paternity, cs but who knows.
I kind of wish the OW would take my h to court to establish paternity and get it over with. I have told my h that swearing to paternity without a dna test IS a deal breaker for me. Sadly your h has already done that, I don't know if you can reverse it or not.
I know if you can you would probably have to have it court ordered since I doubt the OW in your case would agree to it.
We have a 14 year d that is having a difficult time right now so I am not concerned with paternity, visitation, cs right now because my priority is helping her deal with her anger and get through this and not carry damaging things with her into adulthood.
Focus on yourself and your m. I don't now how long it has been since your d-day but I don't regret not walking out the door on d-day because I feel like I am my head is finally starting to clear. I may regret it later and I can see where Kat is coming from.
If you don't think you can live with never knowing for sure, you may want to make the paternity test a deal breaker if he has c. If he doesn't have c and the OW is willing to let him reverse his swore statement of paternity, it may still come back up later or you may never hear from her again. I think she may be bluffing about letting your h renounce paternity since he is sending her cs.
What I have told my h is that you don't know for sure that you were the only one she was sleeping with. The OW in my case herself said she had just came out of a bad lt relationship when the alleged 2nd ONS "just happened". Whether she made this up or it is true, my h really doesn't have any way of knowing if she was with someone else when he was physically home with me, which was the majority of the time. Obviously, OW aren't the most honest people in the world or they wouldn't agree to take part in the deception required to maintain and affair.
I don't know if I have helped any but I wish you the best of luck.
You are entitled to your feelings.
You will survive this.
You don't have to make any decision until you are ready.
above is an excerpt from the book 'when your lover is a liar'
Thank you all for your responses. Cynthia hit the nail on the head when she mentioned the part about all this being out of my control. That is the hardest part for me to deal with. There was some progress yesterday. Last week someone from the CS office left H a message. He called them back yesterday and they confirmed that OW has submitted paperwork for them to go to mediation for state ordered support. They also told him that as long as he can provide copies of cancelled checks or similar documentation showing what payments have been made he should not have a problem continuing to pay OW directly until the case is heard (it could take up to 3 months). I think H felt better after making the phone call as it was really the first time he had to deal with anyone to discuss the situation. The person he talked to also said that from what he could see in the paperwork, mediation will probably require a lower amount of support to be paid than he is paying now.
You are correct that OW seems to be pursuing him now. Last week she left him a message that someone from the court would call, and she called him again yesterday to see if he had talked to them. She uses any excuse to call him. I firmly believe that the A has ended between them (and has been for quite some time). I think H is truly struggling with his inner demons to come to terms with NC with OC. I had an "aha" moment last night when he told me she called again. I asked if he has point blank told her not to call him anymore. Of course he hadn't, but said that he is very short with her when she calls and if he knows it's her calling he doesn't even answer. My "aha" was that for whatever reason he is not yet able to take that step, and if I "make" him do it, it will be meaningless and he won't follow through. Him not telling her not to call and not changing the phone number have nothing to do with me. It has to do with him not yet being in the place where he can stand up for himself and stand by his decisions and put her in her place. I know that sounds very obvious, but it really struck me last night. My biggest fear is that I won't be around anymore by the time he gets to that point. I don't know how much more of my life I'm willing to waste in this "stand-by" mode. While some things are definitely improving between us, the real hurt can't heal until all contact ends with OW.
As for the paternity test, it doesn't really matter to me what the result is as the damage is really already done. But if the OC isn't his, that would make a huge difference to H. As for terminating his rights, H says he's all for it and I support that too. OW does not receive any assistance from the state, so that helps from a legal standpoint. There's not a whole lot of specific information on the web, which is why I wish H would see a lawyer to find out if such a thing is possible or not. To her credit, I don't think OW was ever in this for the money.
"He agreed that it sounded like a good idea (and on the surface I agree) but has taken no steps to find out what this really means and how it would effect his legal rights/responsibilities now and in the future."
My sister went through this in the state of MD. Her ex H had a drug addiction and was very irresponsible with their daughter. She told him that if he signed a release of rights that she would not make him ever pay support and he agreed. She found out at that time that she COULD go back and get support later but that his rights would never be reinstated. In other words, depending on your state, your H could give up his rights and she may still get support even if his rights are terminated. Tell him NOT to sign anything else until he consults an attorney.
My sister has never asked for support from him. She was fine without it and just wanted him out of her daughters life.
PS Her ex is on his 5 or 6th wife now and has quite a few children. Pitiful huh?
