I'd like to get your input on when you knew it was time to totally cut off contact with the OW/OM and how you dealt with it. In my situation, I'm confident the A ended over a year ago, but contact has continued between H and OW. For over a month H has made no attempt to contact or visit OW but she continues to leave him cell phone messages and call him at work when he doesn't answer them. Supposedly she only leaves messages to update him on what legal papers she's filed (unnecessary since he'll get them eventually) and updates on OC (again unnecessary since H has stopped all visits with OC and is going to ask that he have no custody or visitation when their petition is heard, so why does she think he still wants updates). He has made no attempt to tell her point blank "I want nothing more to do with you so stop calling me". I have asked him several times why he can't or won't do this and he has no answer. I have told him how important it is to me that he tell her this, but he is in such a deep state of denial about the fact that he has to do this and end all contact with her for there to be any hope for our marriage. I don't know if he still has feelings for her, feels a misplaced sense of responsibility to her because of OC (who as a reminder she fooled him into having), if he's scared of her, if he just can't close the door on OC or what. I know I could have the cell phone number changed so she couldn't call, but that isn't solving the problem of him not being able to end the contact. We have a counseling appt. tomorrow night (the first since in almost three months) so I'm hoping maybe something will come of that, but I hoped maybe some of you could fill me in on what it took for you to get to the point of truly ending all contact with OW/OM.

My H still has sporadic contacts with OW due to the fact they had a child.

I do not feel threatened by those contacts. OW is now married, and she has had 2 other children with her H since OC.

I can relate to your situation albeit I did not want to have children in this marriage. It will come a time, DB, OW will get tired of trying to get a reaction out of your H. Remember, not making a choice is a choice in itself. It will take some time for your H to process his guilt, his pain. Give him time...he is with you, focus on your couple. OW is a non-entity now, don't give her any power over your marriage. He'll get it - in time!!!

And as you walk you make your path Kat

"Not making a choice is a choice in itself"

I agree comletely. And to me, right now, the fact that he is not making a choice is telling me that he does not respect my wishes and that he is not willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage whole again. He is choosing to tell me "take it or leave it". I don't want to wait for OW to just give up - I want him to stand up and take action to correct all the mess he's made. For once I'm not interested in looking at and analyzing the past. I want to move forward but can't do that until he shows me he wants to move forward too. I admire your patience Kat, hopefully some will rub off on me!

<<<<<<<And to me, right now, the fact that he is not making a choice is telling me that he does not respect my wishes and that he is not willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage whole again. He is choosing to tell me "take it or leave it". >>>>>>>>


wow.... DB !!! methink it is what YOU perceive him telling you ... please, please, please.... put your crystal ball in a box and ship it out to the North Pole LOL You are mind reading your H.... don't do that..... not good for fostering communication. I could deconstruct your writting but I won't do it.... I have been in your shoes... I KNOW....

DB.... take big deep breaths.... and let go of wanting to CONTROL the outcomes. He tells you when OW calls, you know about it, he is not only 'trying' he is 'doing'....he is with you... it is going to take a lot of time, dear... a lot of efforts from both of you. At times you'll wonder why you are still 'there'.. but it is your choice also. Learn to choose your battles. You appear to be fighting 'ghosts' at this time...

The difficulty I see is the push/pull situation you are putting both of you, and the one up/one down position you are finding yourself into.

Concentrate on healing yourself and your part of the marriage so he can concentrate on healing himself and his part.

It is not a question of being patient, DB. It is a question of knowing what you want and doing what needs to be done in order to get there.

YOU WILL GET THERE... with or without him, you will become whole again, happy again, alive again...

Your situation pulls at my heart strings... been there, done that, got the T-shirt and he is 8 1/2 y/o !!!!!!!!!!!

And as you walk you make your path Kat

Sorry not to have responded till now, but I had an extra long weekend away from the computer - yeah!! Kat, of course you are right that I don't know what my H is really trying to say right now, and quite honestly I don't know if he even knows. I'm just so sick of this mess. But I have made some personal progress lately. As you may recall, on 4/20 he received a petition related to custody/visitation that has to be answered within 20 days. If it was me dealing with this, I'd have responded to it as soon as it came and been done with it, but of course H, being the avoider he is, has done nothing about it. I haven't nagged or even asked him about it since last week. I want to ask so badly but I know I have no control over that situation and there are truly no ramifications to me if he doesn't follow through on it, so I'm letting it be. As you may also recall, H has a part time job to pay for CS. Over the weekend I saw his uniform in the hamper and knew that he had to be to work in a few hours. But I didn't take it out to wash it - he's a grown man who needs to be responsible for himself and his own mess. For some reason that one was really hard for me, I guess because of the conflict between making him be responsible for himself vs the nice/considerate things spouses should do for each other. But anyway, he remembered it not long after, got to work clean and on time, and all was well. And again, if he hadn't, not my problem. I guess that's the thing for me - realizing that his problems aren't my problems. That goes against everything I always thought a marriage should be but I guess the rules have changed, at least for now. Since our last big talk (last week) he hasn't mentioned her calling or leaving messages. I wish that was because she didn't but I think it's more likely that he just doesn't want to deal with telling me about it. I know - the crystal ball thing again - but am I really supposed to believe that she finally just gave up and stopped bothering him???

Well, for what it's worth, when I first figured out what happened I asked my ex for three things: 1) a letter of explanation and responsibility; 2) where he went on his PC; 3) a formal end to his EA. I got the letter eventually. By the time he gave me access to PC everything was deleted. I was fuming. So, last week I basically said this is it. I wasn't ready for the ultimatum, but I said something to the effect that this was your last to at least stay in the game. He did write a brief, yet eloquent, e-mail to the OW. It really meant a lot to me.

It really, really meant a lot to me.

I hope you get that.