I wrote this on another thread, and wanted to share it more widely.
I have come to believe that the greatest honor we can pay each other as human beings is to "hear" each others' stories and to connect with them. I find that in thinking about, relating to, and offering responses to others' stories, I learn a great deal about myself (some of which may be valuable to share).
One of the things about these boards that is special is the ability of many people to read someone else's story and relate it to their own in a way that has a clear point. Sometimes we call that "the 2x4", and sometimes "post of the month" but it's the clarity and power with which we respond that is the key.
To those who are new at this...stick around. "AHA" moments will happen to you over a period of months or years, but not without some introspection and effort on your part.
Some of us are naturally introspective people, and for us, introspection is both relatively easy and rewarding. For those of you who aren't inclined that way, it is helpful to force yourself to look inside for some answers to the kinds of questions we deal with here.
I have had many of those "aha" moments, especially since I have been seeing my new C. He has helped me to see what all of you have been saying all along.
Thank you everyone for all of your help and insight. I am truly grateful...Carol~
Do you ever wonder why it is that we hear and listen better to a C than this group here? I would say that there is a credibility issue more than likely. We know the C's credentials and we see them in their professional setting and the people online we don't really know physically even if they seem pretty darned intelligent. I heard loud and clear what my C said as well, even though some here were saying some of the same stuff. I didn't spend quite as much time with an H that didn't give a crap but I understand we all have our own timelines and that is perfectly normal.
I kinda had the reverse happen since my counselor was the one who pointed me to the first site I posted on. She kept telling me to read the stories of the folks here, and then I'd understand what she was trying to tell me. Surprisingly she gave a lot of credit to internet forums such as this one for helping people. The combination of the two (this forum and my counselor) were both big factors in our marriage surviving.
What I gather from what Charlie and GT both said, was the information and support was there. Both C and the forum are saying the samethings...reinforcing what the other(s) have said. Sometimes we need to hear the same thing over and over again, perhaps worded differently or presented at a time when we are ready to hear it...then we go "aha" that's what they meant, that's what they were trying to say! I know this is true for me. It's like earning trust. It needs to be constant and it needs to be the same message time after time. And when we are ready, we hear it loud and clear! Many times I just wasnt ready (emotionally and mentally) to hear what everyone was saying. So you have listen to what EVERYONE is saying, process that information at a time when you are emotionally able to deal it (this can take time). Plus, before I had a C who didnt deal with addictions, so that set me back a bit. But this new C certainly understands addiction and the addictive thinking process, like Charlie and others here have also dealt with. So now you put these two huge sources of information and support together and viola! Success
I like comming here because I know I'm not the only one going thru this nightmare.Also, if I did not have this site to rant & rave on I probably would have driven my H totally crazy by now.This is my only outlet, besides taking it out on him.Plus, I get great advice here!!!!
During crisis it is important to know your normal, to know your not alone and I think that talking everything out really does help heal. The more you share you're story the less painful it becomes and the more you learn to accept it and move on from it.
When we are stuck sometimes it just takes a friendly kick in the butt, or a 2x4 (2x6 in my case) to move forward.
When I first started reading on the boards I was already several years past d-day but I was nowhere close to being healed. I thought something was wrong with me; I wondered if my husband was right when he accused me of hanging onto the pain as a means of punishing him. Then I started reading stories that sounded so much like mine. I realized what I was experiencing was pretty normal and that there was no timetable for getting over it. That, in itself, was such a relief. I felt like I finally had permission to feel what I was feeling. Eventually, I started to understand that much of what I was fighting for was entirely out of my control because it required somebody else to change. That’s always a losing battle, especially if somebody else doesn’t want to change. On some level I knew I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing without sacrificing the most essential part of myself, but I was so scared; what would I do and who would I be if I just let go? The answers only began to come to me about a year ago. Figuring out what to let go of (and what to hold onto) has opened up a world of new possibilities.
>>Figuring out what to let go of (and what to hold onto) has opened up a world of new possibilities.<<
So much of this whole process of healing comes down to learning to let go of one thing at a time.
edited to add:
In a long life together, everything seemed to me to get bound up on a huge ball of string with many ends poking out of the ball. To pick out one and to pull on it seemed to require that the whole thing come unraveled all at once, in an uncontrolled fashion.
I know now that it's possible to unwind things slowly; that pulling on one string didn't necessarily unravel the whole thing (my whole life) at once. Even though my whole life is different than it was two or three years ago, I had lots of choices on how to do it along the way.
My mother once expressed some anxiety of hers over my situation, and I finally told her "Mom, that one isn't in my worry budget for today." It's a goofy concept, but allowing myself a "worry budget" was one of the best things I ever did for myself. It was a major step in learning how to let go.
Chris.
This message has been edited by chris924 on Apr 30, 2006 7:55 AM
<<<<<<<Mom, that one isn't in my worry budget for today." It's a goofy concept, but allowing myself a "worry budget" was one of the best things I ever did for myself. It was a major step in learning how to let go.>>>>>>>
I LOVE the wording, Chris... a lot softer and kinder than my "choose your battles"!!
hi chris, i havent been here for a while, so just checking in.
i so love your thread, such a good and powerful post to remind us why we come here, leave here and at times come back hers.
yep the ability to share in a safe place is a good thing to be able to do, so important for healing, be it with a 'physical' friend in a cafe, in our kitchens venting, through reading books or reading here, the exchange of information is so important.
what did we do before the internet, we chatted to physical mates, we read books or we held our stuff in. this site as with others, provides another place to put our stuff and to share and learn.
how cool is that, wish i had invented the net haha
