I am not sure how to say this but I think your wife and you need to sit down and really decide what you want to do with your marriage. I, being the WS, know the pain is great for both of you. You are right there is no way of knowing what each others pain is like. IF your wife is truly remorseful she is going through a great deal herself. She feels guilty and plenty of other things that is hard for you to understand. She maybe feeling like she doesn't deserve or even want to make the marriage work AT THIS POINT...she maybe feeling like what is the point? What she believes NOW is what the OM gave her was something special and the friendship was something special. She is in the "FOG" It will take awhile before she gets it. She has lost sight of what is really important. She needs to figure that out and it may take awhile. What she needs the most from you right now is to listen to her. Not judge her, not ridicule her...just listen with an open mind and heart. She needs to listen to you too. it will require a great deal of patience on both of your parts to get through this. It can be done and with both of your self esteems in check.
You are hurt and angry and rightly so...she is angry,hurt,guilt ridden, embarrassed and probably a little resentment towards you belieive it or not...so why not just chuck it all right? I thought the same thing...who wants to live like that???
Can I make a suggestion to you? Read Bobmorbitzers posts. My husband has wonderful insight and if you start at the beginning right after our D-day (Sept05) and read up to the recent posts you will see that we went through the same thing you are going through. I am sorry for your pain and your wife's too.
We went through Retrouvaille a program that works miracles! I am without doubt that Bob and I would be divorced by now without it. Bob and I celebrated our 19th Wedding Anniversary yesterday and we wouldn't have had it not been for Retrouvaille.
It is a program that is about learning communication skills. It is presented throught the Catholic Church. Bob and I are not Catholic nor religous. It is an amazing program.
It is not too late for you and your wife. If nothing else look into it for your children's sake.
I hope this helped. I am not regular on here but I just couldn't help myself after reading your post on the Discovery.
This message has been edited by MrsMorbitzer on May 10, 2006 9:28 PM This message has been edited by MrsMorbitzer on May 10, 2006 8:50 PM
Thanks for sharing, You are 100% correct, I don't know what she is feeling. I have asked on several occasions. She is not ready to share. Ok, but in the meantime I don't know what to do, I want her to sooo understand what she has done. I don't dwell to much on the sexually aspects yet, but the images do come up, what hurts the most is the overwelming feeling of betrayal, that she thought so little of me and the kids to do this. Remember, this wasn't a one night thing, the time she stole from me to cultivate the relationship, the actual A, the 9 months it took me discover(in which time she was in constant contact with him). She has told me I have one in the bank, meaning I can have an A, she just doesn't get it and thats what I agonize over. Sorry if I sound a little bitter right now, it been a real rough couple of days. I really do appreciate you taking the time to share your perspective and insight. One last thought, I have been struggling with whether or not I can live with myself knowing what I do and feeling the way I do, not just because of the PRIDE aspect, it is something that troubles me deeply. Any suggestions on how to get past this? We have both started C, and will start MC next week, hopefully the future will reveal more.
You are right on a couple of things. Your wife does not get it yet. She probably won't for a long time. My dday is almost 6 weeks ago. My wife still does not get it. Whether she is still in withdrawal over not having the OM in her life, or is she is still in the fog is an unknwon. All I do know is that she has gotten at least a little bit of it, and that is a start.
Secondly, take your pride and toss it out the window. Your maaraige is not about pride. Your love is not about pride. Your family is not about pride. All of those things rise above pride. I struggled witht he same issues (still do), but I will not let my pride ruin my marraige. My W screwed up big time, and if she doesn't change to make things better, then she will have destroyed our marraige, not my pride.
It is very obvious from your posts that you love your wife very much. Remember this and keep repeating it to yourself. If you didn't love her this much, you wouldn't be taking this as hard as you are. If you didn't love her this much, you would have kicked her out of the house. I am not too much farther along in the recovery stage than you, but I am getting better (or I'm just having a better day). I can't say it's getting any easier or better, but I am coping a hell of a lot better.
On elast thing, resist as much as you can to talk about the A all the time, to bash her, to yell at her. I know you want to, and I did. But when I realized this was getting us nowhere and only driving her away, it has gotten better. I still have the need to talk, but now it has gotten to the point of talking and listening. I will still blow up in the future, I know that and so does she, but for now, just being relaxed and not bringing it up everday has not only eased our situation for now, but it is starting to help her open up to me.
Have her keep going to IC, and good luck with the MC. Hopefully you are in IC also (Sorry, o forget). My wife is in IC, I had to stop after 3 visits due to insurance, but in a few weeks, after she sees her IC alone a few more times, we will start MC. My heart goes out to you. Trust the people who have posted here, and especially listen to Bob. They have been here a lot longer than you and me, and they can help us make it. Since our stories are simmilar (my dda 6 weeks ago, her A lasting 6 onths), keep in touch and we can update each other and everyone else about any progress. If you find something that works for you, share it. We all need the help.
Mike
thanks for the wake up. Sorry we're in the same boat. As for the C, I had 2 sessions, she's had 1. We start our sessions together next week. I am going to Disney (planned before dday), (my kids are so excited), the day after our first joint session, uh oh! I asked the C to keep it somewhat light. I will try to take your advice about not bringing up the A, I've told W I plan to enjoy vacation as much as possible and deal with the issues when we return. My W inability to see how much the betrayal hurts is really painful, maybe the C will show the big picture. Thanks for input.
