And this has me irritated and I'm trying to figure out if I need an attitude adjustment.
For Mother's Day, the ex had our children make cards that weekend and give them to me with a box of chocolates when they came home on Sunday a.m. He gave me a bottle of wine and a card that said something about me being "wonderful." I said "thank you," and he left soon after.
For Father's Day -- I had to call the ex on Thursday to see if he wanted to be with the kids. We planned on his picking them up at 11am today. He calls about 10:30am and says he won't be here until noon. I said okay. I call at 12:20pm and leave a message -- "where are you?" He arrives at 12:40pm -- no explanation except one word, "traffic." I know that he was just at one of his girlfriends' house and didn't feel like leaving.
For Father's Day I just reminded the kids and said that it'd be nice if they made a card. My 10 yr old son made three cards -- kept messing up and really didn't know what to put on it -- it could have been because he was in tears 2 nights earlier and angry because his father wouldn't ask for a couple of hours off work to come to his horse camp graduation. Granted, he didn't give his father sufficient time, but he didn't ask earlier because his father rarely takes an interest in what they do. My son just assumes he's just not interested. That's less painful than asking all the time and being told "no." My son said angrily to me just a few nights ago: he only has time for work and his [girl] friends.
Even when the kids are his place, as they were for just 2 hours on Thursday night -- he is on the PC looking for more women to hook up with. He can't even leave that alone the short while that he's with his kids.
Okay, the ex thinks I'm wonderful. Does he want me to think he's wonderful because he thinks I'm wonderful? Is this a silly question? The man's selfishness can really irritate me. I really don't care that he remembered Mother's Day. I'm not his mother. And I figured that I did my duty by telling our children that Father's Day is coming up and letting them handle it as they will. I honestly don't think he's a good father.
Just a bit of venting.... Do I need an attitude adjustment?
It probably wouldn't hurt to work a little on letting go (of anger and resentment and being "certain" of what he's doing or has done), Jean. You can't change his choices, and your reaction to what you imagine him doing is coloring your reaction to whatever nice things he does do.
I say that as one who still has trouble seeing or accepting any "nice" gesture from my ex-wife. I always assume she wants something in return for it...or the less-charitable cousin, that she has hidden motives. But I have finally learned to say "thank you" most of the time and move on without analysis. If she does have hidden motives or wants something in return...so what? I can always say "no" if I take the time to acknowledge the "nice" thing when she does it. If I don't acknowledge it, then I probably DO "owe" her.
Besides I analyzed my marriage and her, and filled in the blanks with my imagination, for years. It didn't do any good.
I've got to ask...how does your 10-year-old know about your ex's "friends" taking his time? Is it because you answer his "why doesn't daddy spend time with me" questions that way? If it is, I'd stop. To me, that's across the line of what the kids need to know about their father, and it's into the realm of badmouthing.
Acknowledge, but don't analyze. Yes... I need to remember that.
About the girlfriends -- both my children say that there are women calling him all the time. The ex goes by a different name with these women, so they know. My son has also seen other signs... The ex is tight-lipped about these things, but my children aren't dumb. Also, I have my ways of knowing certain things apart from what my children see/know.
When they want to know something about why their father does or doesn't do this or that, I say that I don't know and that they should ask him. Well, my son won't, because he's afraid to talk to him, because his father always makes a joke out of everything he says. The man has deflecting down to an art form.
Chris -- I don't know if you remember, but my son was 6 when he witnessed another woman in his father's bed -- at the time that his father and I had been in 5 months of marriage counseling seemingly trying to repair our relationship. My son and I had to talk about that -- to ignore what he saw would have been cruel, particularly since he also witnessed my reaction. He's since been introduced to another "friend" of his father's who was visiting for the weekend. Add that into his cell phone going off all the time and his saying "yeah, this is Tony" (which is NOT the first name that his family called him) and the fact that he is ALWAYS too busy for the kids except for his scheduled times with them, and even then he's ready to bring them home early......
But my son is afraid to talk to him -- always has been, really. And my daughter, 6, just thinks her father is all about having a good time -- going out for fast food and getting a toy at Walmart every other weekend. She doesn't miss him because she doesn't realize right now that there should be more. She may later.
He probably doesn't think I'm wonderful. I tend to take things literally.
I guess everyone can be nice, sometimes. Perhaps it makes me feel a bit guilty for not doing something more for him on Father's Day. But I don't think he's a good dad! I'm the one who witnessed my son in tears this past week. I'm the one my son asks about why his dad doesn't do stuff with him. I've even relayed these questions to the ex and told him that our son is afraid to talk to him, and the ex just seems mystified by it all. The ex is all about fun and games, and showing the kids off in public or to some girlfriend, etc. It's all about appearances. He's never around for the hard stuff, nor does he want to be.
Sometimes doing nothing is the kindest thing you can do.
Ok, you know he's not a great dad. Like Chris said the kids don't need to know that.
It's father's day...let him deal with it. In the meantime you are a great mom the rest of the year. Like Chris is a great dad throughout the year.
Remember that whole addication thread awhile back? We know. And we know now.
I know its a hard balance. Acknowledge what your kids want. Don't lie to yourself. Just focus on what they want to do for their father on this day.
Unless...you DO want too and that opens up a whole mess of worms. What do you say? Thanks for giving me these great kids... You were a wonderful father but you suck now?
Let the kids enjoy doing something for/with him.
Let it go Jean. Sometimes you gotta let it go.
He's not getting away with anything in the long run.
<<You were a wonderful father but you suck now? >> Ha ha! Actually, he never was a wonderful father. He was okay, but there were some negligence and safety issues (because of his selfishness and anger) with the children before the betrayals ever became an issue, but I still had high hopes that everything would be okay. I was actually willing to live with a lot back then.
The kids really didn't mention that they wanted to do anything at all. I suggested that they make a card, but I left it at that.
You're right, Tex. He's not getting away with anything.
I think you and I were married to the same man. How did he get away with having two wives? LOL
"When they want to know something about why their father does or doesn't do this or that, I say that I don't know and that they should ask him. Well, my son won't, because he's afraid to talk to him"
Wow. My son is also afraid to talk to my ex but his main reason is that he thinks dad will get mad at him for the quesitons he has. Very hard isn't it?
My son's dad didn't call or come to get the kids today for father's day. My son called and left two messages on his phone this evening to wish him Happy Father's Day and he didn't answer either phones.
My friend who also had an ex very much like yours and mine and I were joking yesterday that we should take each other out and celebrate father's day for each other b/c we do more of the fathering jobs than both of the dads do. When I called my dad today and wished him Happy Father's Day, he said same to you...LOL...I had a little laugh. I'm not really worried about it, it would only hurt the kids, instead we went to the water park in our area and had fun and then had a nice meal over BF's families house. I am just grateful to have my boys with me.
Charlie
Current Topic - He thinks I'm wonderful. I think he's crappy.
