? about the bodyJuly 28 2006 at 5:45 PM
|Squeakers (Login squeakers_mp)|
Are there any WS's out there that can tell me how you ever get past the disgusting feeling that you let someone else invade your body parts, the parts that you once held sacred for only you and your spouse? There are more times then not that I just want to rip everything out of me and replace it with a new part. I know they say "TIME" but I have felt this at times even during my affair and now it is really bad because I want my husband to have that pure devoted body that he once had and now it is tainted forever. I know I will never let another invade my body again because of all the pain and disgust I have for myself and because of all the pain I caused my husband and because of all of the spirit I have sucked out of him. I really pray that in "TIME" I could find a way to like my body again but my hopes aren't very high. My husband still says he loves my body and that he's not going to let the OM take that away from him and I am blessed to have such a loving husband, it's just that I feel if I don't find a way to like my own body that some day it may interfer with the awesome love making that my husband and I share and I don't ever want that to happen because I love him so much and I have already caused him enough pain to last a life time. If anyone has had these feelings please give me your thoughts..PLEASE!!!
|This message has been edited by squeakers_mp on Jul 28, 2006 6:29 PM|
Re: ? about the body
|July 29 2006, 1:10 AM |
First let me say welcome to our site.
You are right in that it takes a lot of time to get over the things you did. It took me many years to forgive myself. I'm not sure I will ever fully get there, but I don't beat myself up over it anymore like I once did.
At some point I realized that my husband and I had to start over. The things we held sacred had been blown out of the water with my affair. But over time we were able to build back to a point that the affair was not between us physically or emotionally.
What can you do to get over it? I had a very good counselor. I couldn't have made it without her. She helped me see that good people make bad choices. And that I could pick myself up from where I was and build a new person. I had to make behavior changes and learn to look myself in the mirror. I had to keep my focus on the person I wanted to be, and not the person I'd let myself become.
I had to learn to love myself and my body. Something I had never been able to do, even before the affair. I've ready many books on building self esteem and self worth. I've read on this site for a number of years and it has really helped to have a support group holding my hand.
But mainly I'd have to say my counselor gave me the tools I needed to move past the disgust I felt for myself into liking who I saw and being able to really look in that mirror. I wasn't strong enough to do that on my own.
Again, welcome to our site. You will find the people here to be caring and supportive.
Re: ? about the body
|July 29 2006, 9:20 AM |
Long before her affairs, I truly believe my wife felt insecure about her looks, her intelligence, and her abilities. I won't share the reasons behind that statement, but believe me, she felt that she was "less" than others in so many ways.
I guess a lot of us, myself included, struggle with self worth and self respect issues. GT can give you the best understanding of almost every issue there is. She helped me understand what my wife was going through, heck what I was going through from the beginning.
If you have similar religious beliefs to mine, then this visualization might help you. If you are in a situation, step back and look at yourself. You have the devil on one side of you, and God is standing on the other side of you with his hand on your shoulder....now, what are you going to do??
GT did a much better job of relaying that image to me when I was deeply troubled. Now, not only do you have what I so poorly explained above, but you have a huge wealth of knowledge and experience available to you right here. The people on these boards are fantastic when it comes to sharing.
Like you may have seen already, most of us are not lacking in compassion, but we tell it like is, without sugar coating. None of us are professional counselors, we are like you and Brian, we are or have been hurt and affected by either our spouses betrayal or by our betraying our spouse. We all come her to help each other heal, to offer our experience, (this does not mean its advice), and to support each other.
You and Brian have a lot of work ahead of you, but as much as you both want to rush ahead, you both need to heal and rebuild yourselves first. Then with each of you at your best, each of you at your strongest, you can rebuild your relationship. Now that’s not to say you don't do it in steps, but this first year, concentrate on learning and healing yourselves. Work on your relationship in steps, don't push it aside, but concentrate on healing your wounds, rebuilding your strength. Most importantly, help each other, be there for each other even when one or both of you is having a bad day.
Your question about the body is proof of how much you need to work on yourself and heal. Believe in Brian when he tells you what he does about your body. Sometime I will have to relay to you both how I felt after knowing she had been with other men.
I remember so clearly the roller coaster, how one moment of success could send you so high, and then a trigger, be it a song, seeing the OP, or something on TV could plunge you into the depths.
You will both (if you haven't already) learn to recognize when your partner is triggered or on the roller coaster. Sometimes talking it through is good, sometimes just a hug is good...but sometimes...10 or 20 minutes alone is what is needed. Learning to recognize this comes from improving your communication skills even further, recognizing body language, and most importantly honesty.
Again, this old fool has rambled on to long,
Re: ? about the body
|July 29 2006, 10:33 AM |
As Dave said this is an issue that you most likely had problems with before the affair. I certainly did. My husband constantly told me how beautiful I was and how much he loved my body. But for all kinds of warped reasons I chose not to hear him. Instead I believed the things that had been said to me as a young child. Things that led me to believe I wasn't worthy of a good man's love or adoration. I never fully understood why he loved me or let myself believe that I deserved it.
So......I set about to self destruct. And self destruct I did. By the time I was finished there weren't many parts of "me" I did like. Which sent me into the self pity mode. I stayed there for a long time.
The truth is (and this was a hard one for me to grasp) you have to love yourself. And you have to believe you are worthy to be loved, before you'll ever fully understand just how much your husband loves you. That may not make sense right now, but hopefully some day it will.
I was always taught it was selfish to believe in that loving yourself thinking. It's not. Believing in yourself and loving yourself is healthy. My thinking was always dysfunctional. And it led me down many wrong paths and many wrong choices.
Keep asking questions. As Dave said, we don't coddle (much) around here. But we do care and we do want to help in any way we can.
? about the body
|July 29 2006, 4:50 PM |
At the risk of sounding trite in the context of the answers above, one thing that I used to think about with my H's infidelity was that the skin layer regenerates completely after a period of time, and I used to tell myself that I was touching new skin cells, not the ones she touched. I know how stupid that can sound, but it was true. I was trying to find the time span for that, I have forgotten that fact now, maybe 6 months? I don't for one minute want you to think that is really the answer for you, but for me it was one little mind game I played with myself to get me through.
I hope that your contrition is for real, because it is evident in Brian's notes how he adores you and felt about the history you had together before all this happened. This won't be easy. You will find yourself impatient with him for having a "flashback", something to trigger his insecurity again. My H did not come clean in the first discovery and it was for him to cover for his obvious emotions, so he wouldn't have to admit he was still having an actual affair. In other words, he pretended he ended one, told lies about the details, to cover for the facts that he was having one then. He knew he couldn't hide his distancing of me, so he attributed it to a past event that never actually happened. I think it made trusting him ten fold harder after it all (?) came out. And we never did make it because he wasn't really sorry at all, and he never tried to fix how he related to me. The counselor told him he needed to related differently or this would just continue to be a cycle. Makes one wonder.
So, if you really do feel remorse and love and respect in this man you have married and made a life with, then prove it to him and yourself by finding new and better ways to relate. Look at him with new awe and love, because he deserves it for sticking by you. And he must think a lot of you to put himself through all that pain and work, don't you think!!!
Re: ? about the body
|July 29 2006, 6:59 PM |
In response to what Sue said about skin regeneration, I looked it up and found this information:
<<<The skin is the largest organ of the body which protects the internal organs from the environment. Its cells are continually being replaced as they are lost by wear and tear. The skin consists of a thin outer layer, the epidermis, and a thicker inner layer, the dermis. There are a total of 7 layers in the skin. The life cycle of skin cells is about 28 days and extends to 45 days by the time we are 60.>>>
I'll play that mind game. Whatever works!
Re: ? about the body
|July 29 2006, 10:49 PM |
I love your skin regenreation thought. I will definitly use it. By the way, if all is true now that comes from squeakers mouth, she has all new skin and the OM's DNA is nowhere to be found.
It's the pits that we have to reach so far out to feel "one and only" closeness with our spouses but thats the cards we'e been delt so if we plan to make it work, then so be it.
Re: ? about the body
|July 30 2006, 8:36 AM |
Brian said, "It's the pits that we have to reach so far out to feel "one and only" closeness with our spouses but thats the cards we'e been delt so if we plan to make it work, then so be it."
Brian, as I said in another post to you: WIN = Whatever Is Necessary
You do what you gotta do along the path you take to recovery. If that includes playing little games inside your head to get you through rough spots, seeing a counsilor, getting meds for depression, going to the gym and physically working out your stress, etc., then you do it. Just stay away from the unhealthy stuff that can take over during this time... Alcohol, drugs, etc. That's the LAST thing you need right now.
38 years ago (I was 4), a doctor told my mother I have an eye disease that runs in my family, and that someday I would be blind. To date, there is no treatment or cure for this condition. However, I have refused to let this stop me from doing what I want to do. Blindness is a speed bump to me. It may slow me down or divert me, but it sure as hell won't stop me.
I live with the knowledge that every day, I'm losing a few more photoreceptor cells. I had to retire from my chosen career (production analysis) 14 years ago. I adjusted and moved forward, running a convenience store for six years or so. When my sight diminished to the point where I couldn't do that anymore (about 6 years ago), I retired completely. I adjusted and moved forward, becoming a Mr. Mom, running an international non-profit corporation that raises research money for my condition, and travelling the country teaching self defense to the blind. I do all the cooking in the house, and we redesigned our kitchen to make it easier for me.
Now, I'm not giving you my life story to brag. The point I'm trying to make with you and your W is that life IS a battle, there are constant setbacks and advances, many bumps and bruises to go with the small victories. Affairs and blindness are simply more severe, but at their very core, they are no different from other setbacks. It's simply a matter of degree. If you can view them with the same mindset as any other setback in your life, it will make it easier to deal with.
The Three Rules of Happiness: Friends, Freedom and an Analyzed Life - Epicurus
Re: ? about the body
|July 30 2006, 10:52 AM |
Just to add a little to what Cory said. At some point along the way I realized that I was going to use all I had in me to fight for my marriage. At that point I didn't know if we'd ever make it to where we are today. But I knew I was going to set a goal and keep trudging towards it.
Even after that decision there were still days that I wanted to give up. But I kept focusing on what was ahead and not what was behind us. We couldn't change what was behind us. Neither of us could. It took both of us a long time to see that dwelling on the past was getting us nowhere.
Everyone gets there in their own time. But it seems that once a couple gets on the same page and are both looking forward instead of backwards.....progress starts happening. We had days where one of us had to remind the other that we were moving forward.
Teamwork is the answer in affair recovery. If one of you wants it and the other doesn't, I believe it's not going to happen. You'll stay stuck in some regard. It sounds like you and Squeakers are on the same page. Just remember that you'll still have bad days. Whether you're willing to admit it to each other or not, there will most likely still be days where one of you wants to walk away. That seems to be normal so don't let those days affect the long term outlook.
Time has a way of healing wounds that we never thought possible. And it has a way of helping us see that we are stronger than we ever imagined we could be.