Oh I agreee with you barbara, I did my share of bullshiting to him as well, I have devulged all of it to my husband too. There were plenty of times though when I wanted to end this affair and the OM would say and do everything just right to prevent it from happening even though he would say at times there are no strings attached, he had strings, because when I would try to tell him that I love my husband and I would never leave him he would find a way to make me think that what we were doing was okay even though deep down inside me I knew it was wrong the OM had a way of making me beleive it wasn't really as bad as it seemed. (Very Sick On Both Our Parts) I can see that you still have pain and issues regarding the A in your life, as do we and I appreciate your brutal honesty, I do hope that you and your H can find peace someday. I know we will and I will do whatever it takes to get there because I truly deeply love my H and I truly deeply regret what I have done to our marriage and if I have to be treated like a child or checked up on constantly then so be it. I Love Brian and nothing is going to interrupt that love again!!
This message has been edited by squeakers_mp on Aug 1, 2006 4:05 PM
You have a very good attitude ! In your opinion, how do you think a WS can ever make a BS feel safe? For instance, my H says that he will never cheat on me again but to me that is crap because I say "How does he know he won't do it again when he spent 15 years telling me he would never cheat?"So, when you(WS)do something that you never thought you would do, how do you know you wouldn't do it again?To my way of thinking, the WS would just be better at covering things up the 2nd time around.Also,it just seems like it would be easier to do the 2nd time around. Kind of like lying. It gets easier with time?I would appreciate your opinion as I do believe that WS & BS can learn from each other even though every situation is different.
Thank You and Good question, I am still trying to figure out how to convince my own BS that it will never happen again. I personally am doing it by being there for him for everything, not just telling him but showing him by giving him completed details of every minute of my day and giving him complete details of my affair as it happened and trying not to leave any stones unturned as they say. If he asks me a question I won't hold back I will tell him everything and when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING and you would know that there was nothing left because of all the details. Trust is an awful thing to lose and I am praying that my honesty and time will help bring some of it back.
I wish I had the answers, if I did I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place and I know because of what I have done and the reprocutions it has brought my way along with all the pain that I never want to go through this senseless situation again. It was stupid and pointless and I hurt the one person that loves me more than anything in this world and he didn't deserve any of this, no spouse deserves any of this senseless crap!! It may be a whole different feeling for a WS that is a man I wish that I had some answers for you. I'm sorry I don't feel like I have been much help.
Thanks for talking with me. I just don't understand how the WS can lie so much to someone they say they love. I just don't get it.With my H it was over a year of me snooping & questioninghim each & every day.As far as I know he had always been honest up until the A. So, how do you guys live with yourselves when you are lying to the one person you say you love more than anything? Also, when the WS is having the A don't you guys ever worry about getting caught or do you just think it won't happen?
I had 3 d-days. after the first one I realized our marriage was headed in the wrong direction. We started marriage counseling, to her it was still all a lie. I didnt know that so we can only continue based on my perspective at the time.
Here was my initial thought; wow, that was a real close call - my wife almost cheated on me, lets seek counseling and make things better between us. We did that and I decided that I needed to change the way I treated my wife, cool my temper, let some stressful things go, pay more attention to her, etc. I was right in the middle of a room addition/remodel on our house at the time, it all came to a screaching stop, it's still far from done. I did that, I changed DRAMATICALLY and a remember telling squeakers that I understand human nature and it is likely that I will try to fall back into my old habits, I was very aware that could happen. Knowing that, I made my changes conciously permanent, I thought about them EVERY DAY, I still need to remind myself every so often. The bottom line is for the past 8 months my wife was having an affair and she also had her (almost) perfect husband at home but the affair was off and running already.
What I think i did was inadvertantly lay the ground work for a good recovery from the affair, if I was still an a**hole this whole time, things would be different right now. She would still be bitter toward me.
A few more things that really hurt us during our marriage, alcohol, bad friends (not necessarily bad just not the best influence) opossite work schedules and probably a few other problem things along the way. After my first d-day, we didnt stop any of the "bad" stuff we went to church a little more, we drank a little less, we socialized a little less. When we wanted to talk we would go out and have a drink to talk, (bad idea for a BS). We didnt properly attack the problem.
On the 2nd or 3rd d-day (not sure which) all hell broke loose, in my mind our marriage was over, my love for my wife for the first time was "conditional". If there was or is a forth d-day our marriage is over. If you new me you would never think those words could come from my mouth but I never knew before now, what an affair could do to a person (I never even considered multiple d-days, let alone what a d-day even was before all this) Anyway, we threw away ALL the alcohol in the house, we stoped drinking COMPLETLEY, we are aggressivley seeking God, we are culminating a new circle of friends - not to say our old friends are our enemies but cummunication has dropped off almost completley. I feel my wife is on-board with this approach partly because she likes the "new" me and she see's that we CAN have a great life together. I did my part, now she needs to do her part but it's not over for either of us, we BOTH need to work on our marriage like we should ahve been from the day we said "I DO".
I may sound like I have all the answers but i dont. I have so many more questions than answers but It's talk like this that seems to help me and "hopefully" others through this and come out with a new perspective on marriage.
In my case I didn't think I would get caught and boy am I glad I did, this was the only affair I have ever had and it is the only one that will have ever happened to me in my life time. I feel such disgust about it and with myself over it. I try to imagine if the shoe was on the other foot often so that I can feel the pain that I bestowed upon my husband, it makes me sick to my stomach, I can only imagine how much more it would be if my H had done this to me, I would want to die. There were and sometimes still are times where I want to die for what I have done to him. I feel terrible that you are going through this pain. I have communicated with the OM wife several times two of which were in person so that I could see more of the damage that I have caused and truly find forgivness by God. I know that she will never forgive me and I wouldn't expect her to but I had to let her know how sorry I truly was and I had to show my H how sorry I truly was, he was there both times we met, the first one was by his request and the second one by my request. I pray for her everyday and she says she prays for me as well. None of this is easy for anyone involved, but if we continue to communicate and be open and honest then we can find a way to heal in time. I truly beleive this and I will continue for the rest of my life to repair what I have broke.
This message has been edited by squeakers_mp on Aug 1, 2006 6:50 PM This message has been edited by squeakers_mp on Aug 1, 2006 6:48 PM
Brian, I had no idea there was anything wrong in our marriage before the A. My H still says that he was happy & that I did nothing wrong.But once I started suspecting that he was cheating he made things a million times worse by lying to me 4 or 5 times a day for over a year.I would ask him that many times a day if he was cheating? Each time he would look me in the eyes & say that he would never do that & that he was not cheating.I give you credit for trying because alot of times I really think that I don't have the energy or the guts to try anymore.I wish you guys luck!
I don't know if this will help but I can tell you what my husband has told me.
<<<"So, when you(WS)do something that you never thought you would do, how do you know you wouldn't do it again?>>>
For my husband it's because he worked on figuring out, after the last d-day, WHY he did what he did. What made him able to do something he never thought he was capable of, especially since he still loved me and even told the two women he loved me and would not leave me. He also says he never wants to put me or himself through all of this ever again. He never had any idea the total devastation it causes.
<<<To my way of thinking, the WS would just be better at covering things up the 2nd time around.>>>
Actually, he got more careless the second time around because he thought he wouldn't get caught. (He hadn't so far so why would he now?)
<<<So, how do you guys live with yourselves when you are lying to the one person you say you love more than anything?>>>
My H is a great "compartmentalizer." In his mind the two lives he was living were completely seperate. He didn't see that what he was doing was taking anything away from our life together. It truly was all about him and not me.
<<<Also,it just seems like it would be easier to do the 2nd time around.>>>
My H said that, yes, it was easier the second time. (But that was before I found out about the first affair. It would not be the case now.)
<<<Also, when the WS is having the A don't you guys ever worry about getting caught or do you just think it won't happen?>>>
My H said that he was really nervous the first time. After awhile he really felt that he would not get caught.
I don't know how much of this is typical of other male WS but those were his feelings for what it is worth.
This message has been edited by nobodys.fool on Aug 1, 2006 9:12 PM