Kel
I can relate to the guilt. But I have to tell you, it goes on for a very long time. I struggled with the guilt of my affair for years after it was over. I struggled with guilt over my marriage, children, family, and friends. When I first came to these boards I'd feel guilty everytime a new betrayed person showed up because I was a betrayer just like their spouse. But a some point I did have to start letting the guilt go. That's no way to live, plus it hinders the forward progression of the relationship.
I went through several stages before I got there though. It's almost like I had to mourn the loss of the person I was before my affair and let her go. Then I had to go through the guilt of the person I was during and after my affair. It took awhile before it finally sunk in that I couldn't change any of that I could only learn and grow from where I was. I could beat myself up better than anyone else, but I knew I had to stop that. I believe everyone gets there in their own time. A very good counselor helped me see that I was hindering our progress by holding on to the guilt of my past.
Kel, it takes a lot of time to work through this. Feeling the guilt (to me) is a good sign. It means you realize what you did was wrong. But now what are you going to do about it? Changing the behavior takes a lot of self work and pain. But you can do it if you want to. It sounds like you love Katie very much. In my opinion one very important thing you can do for her is get to the bottom of why you feel the need to go outside your relationship. And then work on fixing it. In my case once I did that it started to become easier to let the guilt go because I then saw progess. I began to see the changes in me. That was exciting.
I think I will always feel a certain amount of guilt over my affair. I blew my marriage apart. That's not something I'll ever totally let myself off the hook for. But I don't live with it daily anymore. And when the guilt does rear it's head I'm better equipped to put it in it's place.
Time is such an important factor in healing. Just let that sink in and don't try to fight the process or rush it. Go through it. And just keep reminding yourself that you are making progress even on days when it doesn't feel like it.
Keep posting and talking to us. I hope no one is turned off by the lesbian relationship. We may not understand the specific dynamics of your relationship, but we're all human and we all hurt.
Monica, we have free peanuts on this site? How come no one ever told me that?
GT
No, I'm here to pay it forward, like those who walked the path before me. There is a tremendous amount of support here, as I hope you're finding.