Hi I am new to this forum as well...its been a month sence I`ve had the A... I take full responcability for my actions..(A VERY BAD CHOISE AT THAT) I deeply regret the choise Ive made..My W didnt have no say so in it.. the A lasted 4 days.Im not sure to why I actualy had the A as the W and I never had any fights and we always had great comunnication before this and our intimancy was great also ...She is the most wonderful woman one man could ever have for a W.. I love my W deeeply and never thought for a million years that I would had ever steped out on her... To me she IS my soulmate and she has shown me so much love over the past 7 years that we had been togather and how deeply she cared for me..I took the most important things in our live Our love and trust and threw them out the window..Im so sick Of my self for the pain and bitterness and anger she has in her heart now,I can say honestly for every ill and hurt feelings that she has came out with I feel it and I see it comming for her Eyes & Heart...It litterly makes me sick to my stomach and heart to see what it has done to Her.. not only for the pain I`ve caused her but for me as well knowing that Ive caused it...(I think How in the heck could Ive ever had done a very tastless and ugly thing to the one person that means the most to me in my Life)...I am very sorry Mrs C for all that Ive caused you by having this A,Ive took and made a huge mess out of our Marraige for what Nothing... You are the most important person in my life then and now.And all I could do is throw it away like yesterdays news (Im so very sorry for what Ive had done to you) their isnt a moment that goes bye that I dont think of this awfull and dreadfull pain that Ive caused you.You mean everything to me Mrs C...I am gald that you had choisen to take me back and work togather on this awful mess that I had cause..I sure hope some day MrsC that you can totally forgive me for I had done,I know you said you forgive me for it ButI know it will take a very long time for you to really forgive me and Im willing to do what it takes to help you get there... Its not been easy at all for you or for me sure we have some good days but we have bad days as well..One thing that we have been doing is reading men are from mars and women are from venus (a good book) and comming here and reading alot of the posts...As well as talking about it and that by its self can be hard but if we are going to get though this then we have to talk about it and let one another share there thoughts on everything...... Im glad we had found this site it has helped us out alot.

Dave

It took me a long time to figure out why I had an affair.  I was married to a very good person and he was a good husband. We had our marital problems but nothing we couldn't have worked out. Instead of doing that I just decided one day to throw it all out the window and have an affair. I wanted to prove something  and in the process of doing that I destroyed our relationship.

I did find through counseling that I had many issues that caused me to throw my morals and vows on the window. None of them had anything to do with my husband, they were all me. Working to figure all that out was a very painful process.

I've said this many times on the forum and I'll keep saying it. My counselor told me early on that fixing myself would be the greatest gift I could give my husband. And it would mean the difference in whether our marriage survived my affair or didn't.  

At first we tried sweeping it all under the rug.  That didn't work. A few years after my affair I crashed and burned. My marriage was sinking fast and neither of us knew what to do. That's when a very good counselor told me we had to go back and re-visit the affair and work through it.

We did it backwards. And that caused us both a lot of pain. So I believe if the WS will start working on why they had the affair right away,  it puts them ahead of so many couples in the rebuilding process. Plus it assures that you won't go down that road again because you'll have the tools you need to deal with your life.

I'm glad you found us. Sorry that both of you have to be here, but you will find support and lots of experience.

GT

Ive been going to a c sence this all had taken place but I dont think this c is that much help to me or us...so I think I will be seeking out a new c as I really want to figer this out and deal with why it was I did what I did to the W that means so much to me...thank you for your responce

You are not a pig dog.
I believe we all have good parts and bad parts and they are sometimes at war with each other.
You made choices based on the bad parts.
I am right there with you.
In researching affairs, I found some information that said an affair is like a drug. It releases powerful chemicals into your body like a drug does. Now whether that is true or not I'll leave to the professionals. All I can say is there is a POWERFUL pull to an affair. I believe that's why so many people have them. It's almost like you lose your mind and ability to reason.
I hope you and Mrs. C continue to heal, love and support each other.
I'll be thinking of you.

Laurie

you are not a pig dog .. you are human n made poor choices ... you are here to get help n support ... n u will find it ... keep posting ... keep reading ... there is alot of good advice here ... talk to your wife ... communication is the key ... you will have to be transparent to your wife for a good long while ... be honest with her ... you have forever changed ur relationship with her ... that doesnt mean u cant build back up trust n make a good life together ... you will have to deal wtih her anger ... so long as its not abusive you will have to understand you caused this ... she didnt choose this ... the guilt u feel ... i have that as well ... i am a former WS... ive been comin here bout a month ... i have read alot of good thoughts on the subject from both sides ... mainly .. hold ur wife when she needs it ... do nice things for her even if she doesnt ask ... show her how much she means to you ... becuz ur words are not what they u sed to be to her ... that trust will take a long time to build back up ... hard work ahead of you both .. but if u are both willing to do it ... you can have a better relationship then before ... even tho u say she was the best n all to you .. there was a reason u had the affair ... n getting to the root of that is important in makin sure this never happens again ... i agree u need to find a therapist who is pro relationship ... who will work with you one on one .. .n also see u with your wife so that u address both your issues n the marital issues... take care Kel

I just wanted to thank you for expressing your feelings on here Dave. I know how you hate to write and what it took for you to get the courage to actually put your thoughts and feelings in public. Like I told you, I have always loved you and after getting over the initial shock of what you told me, I realized I still had feelings there that I just couldn't let go of. I know my love for you will probably never be as deep and trusting as it was before the A but we can rebuild as much as possible. I also want to thank everyone in this forum for your support and knowledge. You don't realize how helpful it is to know your actually NOT going crazy, that other people who have been through this have almost the exact same reactions and emotions.
I think our main problem right now is the fact that he (or I) don't know why this happened. We had a great marriage. We were deeply in love and expressed it daily to each other. He told me he loved me at least 5-6 times a day. He told me he would never do anything to endanger our relationship because he had the perfect wife, he was sure God put us together and how lucky he was to have me for his wife. If we did have any disagreements, we would talk them out, no screaming or arguing.
The only thing I could think of right after he told me he cheated on me was that he was 700 miles away when he had the A and thought he wouldn't get caught. The OW found out he was married and told him if he didn't tell me that she was going to. So he told me about the A the very same day she called him.
The C he see's now is telling him she thinks he had the A from stress. From what he told me about the A it seemed to be total sexual gratification. I think he needs a different C.
Ok, I think I'm starting to write a book and I know I could probably write a mini series about this but we will continue to read the forum for as long as it takes to learn and exercise the great advice offered here. GOD BLESS and I LOVE YOU HONEY