Yes Carol, maybe he is. I think you need to do what you feel. I mean has he completely and fully done all the work to save and repair your marriage yet? Doubtful. Do you want to give him false hope by putting your ring back on? Will that make him think you are in to stay at this point? I guess you have things to think about.
I also took mine off after D-day and never put them back on. Months later my ex insisted buying an incredible new set of rings (I'm not sure why he wanted to spend all that money when he wasn't serious about repairing) but even the new rings didn't change his behavior, even though I thought is was a good sign on his part at the time.
I think it is great that he noticed and actually expressed that he wanted you to wear them. It's great that he is talking to you about it.
I also have a beautiful set of new rings but since I didn't get a new marriage or commitment they mean very little to me. I have worn them/not worn them intermittantly over the years and my H never says anything about it.
Carol he is grabbing at straws right now to hang onto you. He is noticing things he hasn't in years and suddenly has extreme remorse. It has yet to be seen if he can maintain this over a period of time or if he is just "acting" in order to get you back quickly.
Wear your rings only if you feel like wearing them. I agree that wearing them could send the wrong message to him......perhaps that he is back in your good graces and can stop play acting or perhaps that you are totally committed to the marriage.
My H acted remorseful when it suited him. When he saw that a few days or weeks of that wasn't making me "get over it" he suddenly lost all remorse and started acting like an a**hole again.
"So what you are really saying Charlie is now you have 2 sets of rings in your junk drawer and one of them is really beautiful"
Alright Kid, I'm gonna get H2C to give you a pankin or maybe your mama MM
Actually, during our marriage the smaller cheaper set meant more b/c, like Monica, the second set were given without him hardly saying a word. I expected way more than that.
Charlie
This message has been edited by charlie288 on Sep 7, 2006 8:29 PM
I agree...I do not want to send him the wrong message by putting them back on...but yet I want to encourage him to continue down this path. I also agree that he is feeling desperate and afraid to lose me FINALLY, and that he noticed! I am staying strong...still numb...still dont know what I want. The total pain of this betrayal has not fully hit me and I am not going to recommit to anything until I work through this and decide that this is what I want, which is why I didnt immediately go to my jewelry box and put them back on. Like many others, I believe the vows were broken and until we both recommit there is not any real reason to wear them. But I do appreciate him wearing his as a sign that he is commited to changing and to fidelity as long as we remain married.
C says that part of the reason I am still numb is because none of this is what I expected and prepared my psyche for. I fully expected H to be happy that I kicked him out so that he could be free to persue what he wanted...whatever that may have been. I was prepared to contact my lawyer after that appointment with C and the kids. I was shocked when H did a 180 and showed up and said he wanted to save the marriage. I didnt know what to do...I was not prepared for any of this. I am waiting to see permanent changes and for him to meet all the items on my list before I believe he is sincere. I am not going to settle for the crumbs. I know I can live without him, and now HE knows it. C told me that when I kicked H out he knew I was 100% serious because I had never threatened to leave him before ever. So what I did carried a lot of weight! I backed up my words with action. Now it is his turn to do the same.
""""I'm gonna get H2C to give you a pankin....""""
Chuck, the other moderators and administrators here won't let me do the pankins for reasons unknown to me, although I have volunteered many many times. They put me in charge of subtle bluntness.
Oh no...more Ring stuff....H asked me if I want to go out and look at rings. I said "what for?". He said he understands why I havent put my wedding rings back on and wants to buy me new ones. He said he wants to renew our vows and marry me all over again. I am simply not ready for any of that!!! The man is on hyper-drive and needs to slow down. I couldnt get the man to pay any attention to me before and now I cant get him to leave me alone. I suspect in a month or two we will reach some middle ground and he will slow down. But right now he isnt even giving me time to think about anything! One more reason I havent given in to anything...I need to think about things and see real change over a period of time. I am not even sure if I want to stay married, let alone get remarried and buy new rings.
Carol hasn't he always tried to buy your silence and win you over(and force yourself to think you must be nuts to believe he is involved in another affair) with monetary gifts.........cars, tv's, flowers......???
Hopefully you stand firm and it won't work this time. Sounds to me like he hasn't figured out how big a problem he is dealing with yet. A few gifts ain't gonna solve this one.
Kid
This message has been edited by Canuck_Kid on Sep 12, 2006 8:39 PM
Yep Kid...I am not letting him buy his way out of this. And I am standing firm and upholding my boundaries. Gifts are nice and all, but I am looking for sincerity... and that takes time to prove. Even though he is taking action this time, and not just saying he will do this or that... I need time to see if this is real! But like many WS's, he just wants to hurry though this and get back to normal. Well, he is in for a big surprise! There is no way this can be hurried, and I am not sure I will be able to get over a second betrayal added to the first. I just dont know if that is possible for ME. And I am not going to promise him a furture together if I cant deliver on it... if that's not what I want. Right now, I just want to take things slow and wait and see.
<Right now, I just want to take things slow and wait and see.>
Hopefully you have shared the above with your H - and what were his thoughts at hearing what YOU want?
Carol: If you husband wants to do things for you now, what about asking him to put things in your name or both of your names. I remember that he bought you a car recently, but it was in his name. If he really is sincere, he could show his sincerity by sharing the assets.
I have been reading this and it's predesessors for over 5 years, of and on. My so called D-Day or rather Confrontation Day was in October of 2001. I am old enough to be your mother and probably older than anyone on these boards. I am still married, if you can call it that. We are living in the same house, but I have not had a hug for well over 4 years and have been through a lot, but have no options, since I am partially disabled.
I am pleased for you that your H seems to want to make things right, but I am glad you are cautious.
Yes Kat, I told him that I want to take things slow and wait and see. I also told him that I am not making any promises.
I think he was hearing me but he wasnt listening well...he didn't really seem to get what I was saying until he read something in the book "After the Affair". He started crying and said that he understands what I am saying, that he needs to show me the changes are real. He said he is working hard. And I am still not sure that he fully understands but I hope so. He has a thick head! I do at times too...it took many people here telling me the same thing over and over again until it sunk in with me too. So maybe I do need to keep repeating how I feel until it sinks in.
I am not sure what he read in the book...I think I will go back and see where he left his bookmark. We are reading it together, but I am a chapter or so ahead of him so that I can highlight things that really hit home with me. He says it helps him to understand where I am personally coming from since not everything in the book pertains to our situation or expresses what I am feeling and how I see things.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts...Carol~
EDITED TO ADD:
Getting my name put on everything is on my list
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Sep 13, 2006 2:59 AM
Hi Carol. I've been popping in and out here and skimming the latest of your story.
My take on all this: Continue to be very careful. My former H seemingly had a "turnaround" after I kicked him out. He went to marriage counseling with me for 9 months and we started reading a book together on affair recovery. (I can't remember which one -- isn't that funny? I think I threw it out a while ago.) Well, the "progress" in marriage counseling and the book was slow going. Why? Hmmmm. I had to figure it out for myself. While he was doing all this and saying he wanted to move back home, he was still philandering. I found out about 3 women he was seeing on my own during this time. But our marriage counselor was fooled and, of course, I was still hopeful up until the discovery of the 3rd woman.
I'm not saying that your H is doing this. Just continue to be wary. Don't let his tears or the gifts sway you. It's easy to read a book too, or put a little bookmark in some spot to placate.
Make sure you get all those assets in both of your names.
