This is a boundaries question regarding a dear friend of mine.

She is a single woman with no children.  She asked me to take her to the airport tomorrow morning -- I'd have to get to her place by 7am.  No problem, I'd love to help her out, and my son, daughter and I would have to wake up at 6am to get to her place on time  -- a bit early for us, but it's do-able and I was happy to help her.   Well.... just today she changed her plans, said she's taking an earlier flight, and I'd have to be at her place at 5:30am ("please oh please").  Well..... if I be at her place at 5:30am, which means I'd have to haul my kids out of bed at 4:45am at the latest to get there on time.  If it were just me, no prob, I could come back home and take a nap if I had to.  But the kids have school.

I told her it'd be quite a stress on a school day and told her I'd be glad to give her half the money to take a cab to get there (altho she has more cash than me, but I do still want to help her if the request is reasonable, you know?).

This is a boundaries issue with me....   I don't want her to be mad at me.  I DID tell her that I could take her to the airport, but that was when we wouldn't have left until later that morning.  A reasonable person wouldn't think I'd be breaking my word to take her, since her times changed....right?

Am I too much of a wimp for feeling worried about this?  She's a great friend and we've both helped each other out in the past, but I have my children to consider too, not just me.

I have this thing about conflict and not wanting people I love get mad at me....

Any feedback appreciated.

Jean

Wow, Jean, the offer for cab fare is VERY generous since you don't have money falling out of your purse! A "reasonable" person wouldn't take money from you.

Personally, I wouldn't ask someone to take me to the airport at the butt-crack of dawn. The 7 flight would have been "ok" - but the 5:30 is REEEEALLY early with the kids! I hope she wouldn't be upset if you back out, with the time change. Maybe offer to pick her up, instead???

Monica

My yesterdays are all boxed up - and neatly put away.

Thanks Monica.  Actually, she only needs a ride to the airport, as she is driving a car back.

One thing about me -- I have a hard time figuring out -- with friends or loved ones -- what some boundary lines should be.  This is especially true since she has helped me out in the past (and vice versa, too).   I treasure her friendship and I can't figure out if she would just expect me to take her no matter the time, or if she just didn't think things through.  As she's never had children I think she may just forget that I have three people and schedules to be concerned about, not just one.

Jean

I don't have a problem setting boundaries with people that I'm not close to -- that's much easier!

Jean

Jean,

You are not being selfish...you have self-respect...because you are setting boundaries...

Your friend is being selfish by asking you to take her at 5:30...better to drive her car to the airport and give you an extra set of keys and ask another friend to drive with you to pick up the car when your children are at school.

Pat

Guess what, tho.  My children have school at home here.  I'm their teacher.  It's still school.  We still have a schedule to keep.  So I wouldn't be able to help her out while my two are "in school."

Jean

I can't believe it.  I feel horrible.  Her first IM to me today was:

Hi J.  Please don't kill me: I need to be AT the airport by 6am... Augghghghg! So if you can (please oh please) be HERE by 5:30am-- I will have the directions to aiport all printed out and all you have to do is drop me at Delta.

Well, I IM'd back and said that it was REALLY early, but I implied that I'd still take her.  No response from her.  15 minutes later, after having looked at the clock and doing the math, I IM'd her a second time and said that I just couldn't do that with the kids' schedules, but that I'd help her pay for a cab.  I actually didn't think 15 minutes had past but I looked at the IM log.

Well, she just called a bit ago and was quite angry, saying that she didn't see how the earlier time would make that much difference and that I had left her in the lurch.  "I don't know what I'm going to do .... I don't have a ride now."   I told her I'd be happy to help with cab fare and she said she didn't want to take a cab.   What she did is that she booked the earlier flight and seemingly just assumed it would be okay with me!   Ughghg!   Does anyone else think that 4:45am is too early to get kids up and out the door before a school day?

I've never had a conflict with this friend, but now.... It's just got me really upset.  If it were just me, I would have just bit the bullet and got up earlier, no problem.  But I've got 2 children to consider.

Was I wrong?  Should I have taken her anyway?

J

(P.S. Mama Kat.... help me out here.    )

 

 

 

Jean-

Your friend is being self-centered. NO way would I have dragged my kids out of bed, got them dressed, fed, whatever- to drive a friend to the airport, unless they were boarding a flight to have surgery, were going to their parents funeral, or some major life crisis or event AND if they were broke. If she gets upset, tough noogies. She can get over it.

She can take a cab or the airporter.

TLMM

I’m not Mama Kat, but I do have something to say on this subject. You’re not wrong! Your friend is being inconsiderate of you and your children. You aren’t breaking your word – she changed the plans. She’s really the one who created the problem; you don’t need to assume responsibility for making this work for her. Whether or not 4:45 is too early is irrelevant – she had no right to assume that a change in her plans wouldn’t affect you. She doesn’t want to take a cab? Then maybe she can find another friend who doesn’t have children, who will get up and take her to the airport. I think your offer to help pay for the cab is more than fair. She gets a ride to the airport and you’re still being a good friend. Don’t let her make you feel guilty for this. You haven’t done anything wrong.

DG

There IS cab service.  She just doesn't want to take one.  ugh. 

I WANT to help her out.  Just not at the expense of my kids.    My daughter has had sleep issues all her little life and she needs to be rested and ready to learn on the 3 weekdays that I have available to teach them.   My friend knows I have fibromyalgia, too, and consistent, good quality sleep is extremely important, or I am rather worthless when it comes to school or work. 

I am not her only option, although she basically told me that I was.I think she is being very inconsiderate, but I don't think I should tell her that....  I'm just sad that she's mad.  This is the first problems that we've had since we've been friends.

Jean

Jean-

Sorry to come on strong...but get a freakin' grip!

She is putting three of you out of your routine to get a ride to the airport.

Would you ask three people to do that for you? People who need their sleep? Young people who need to be sharp and focussed to concentrate in school?

From what I know of you, not a chance in hell!

She will have to understand where your priorities are.

Sleep well.

Jay

I have to agree with the others.  Your friend should have considered the fact that an earlier flight would be harder for you to make with children and should not have ASSUMED anything.  She is the one who changed the time and therefore in my opinion nulled your obligation to her.  In other words she broke the verbal agreement not you...so look at it that way. Now, had she called and asked you if you minded she changed to an earlier flight and you agreed, that would be different. Sounds like your friend is putting you on the spot for a situation she caused.  And seriously, refusing to get a cab and blame you because she changed her flight is selfish and childish on her part. Personally, I would have never asked anyone (except my H) to take me to the airport so early in the morning.  I would have planned on taking a cab to begin with.

Take Care...Carol~

I wouldn't be waking my kids up and driving her to the airport at any time that was unreasonable. That includes being at her place at 7 am!!!

BUT, the offer of cab fare was very nice of you. A real friend wouldn't take it though, knowing your situation.

I wouldn't even have the nerve to ask somebody to get up that early and pick me up.....wow!

Just tell her it won't work with the new time change.


Kid

Jean-STOP feeling guilty! Your friend is being inconsiderate.I would just let her know that you value her friendship but that once her plans changed it just wouldn't work for you to be able to take her.That's too bad that she doesn't want to take a cab.It won't kill her! You just take care of yourself & your children!Her attitude is HER problem!Maybe she should learn to be alittle bit more understanding & alittle less demanding.

<<Sorry to come on strong...but get a freakin' grip!>>   Ha ha.... okay.

You know, she is really sweet sometimes, tho.  For instance, when I sprained my ankle I talked to her and she came over within a few hours and drove me to the ER/urgent care and then took my kids for the afternoon while I was waiting for X-rays, etc....    Then again I've helped her a lot, too.  So.... I don't know.  I just think she doesn't "get" the pressures and time contraints that I have at this time of my life.  I mean, she listens, but she's got a totally different lifestyle, so.... oh well.

We've been friends for 22 years and I have so few good friends.....  

Jean

 

Yes but a true friend will understand when you say you can't do that to your children as it is too early and they need to be focused on school. A true friend wouldn't get mad. Maybe that is just what you perceive may happen, but in actuality it may not.

The sad thing is that if I had a real social life, I would have been able to keep this in perspective a bit more....

Jean

Jean, sorry to get in so late .... but as we all say.... we do have a life

Jean.... saying no to a friend is ok, it is more than ok, it shows you have your priorities straight. The fact is: your children do not need get up this early and neither do you ... the fact is: your friend does have an alternative... it is irrelevent if or why she does not want to take a cab or whatever, this early in the morning you are not avaliable... period.

Hugs at you, Jean !!! and if this friendship start cooling off - due to her taking you for granted and her selfish scheduling - then it was not that strong to start with !!

And as you walk you make your path Kat

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying no, no matter what your reasons are, and in this case they are valid. Like Carol said I wouldn't ask anyone to take me to the airport that early, it is quite an imposition. If she is a true friend she will understand. Friends don't keep score.

It's like I was hormonal or something yesterday.

Fact is, I'm still grieving a lot of loss in my life.  The infidelity and divorce itself was one thing, and that dealt with and put to bed -- except for lingering self-esteem issues -- but there are so many other things....  My children will be back in a regular school in anywhere from 1 to 10 months, and so I'm grieving the loss of the "mom at home" stuff, as I'll be working much more when they go.  They are on the waiting list so it is just a matter of a short time; it will be a big change for all of us. 

Then I still grieve my dad, and the wild changes that have occurred in my family since his death -- mainly the relationship with my sister, who now lives with my mom. We were once quite close, or so I thought, but that has completely changed for the worse and has been repeatedly very hurtful.  She has kept me from visiting with and talking to my mom on repeated occasions without good cause or explanation, and now I have felt for the past 2 years like I have lost my mom as well as my dad.  She was obnoxious again just yesterday when I called there.

I am trying to cultivate new friends, but right now, until the children get back in a "bricks and mortar" school, that is very slow going.  So all this is why I sort of freaked when one of my few friends got mad at me. 

Y'all are great here, but I gotta get more friends in real life.  I'm forty, but yesterday I felt like I was six, on the playground, with nobody to play with. 

On a good note, the kids are getting their work done and the sun is shining brightly.  We'll go out for a walk soon.

Jean

At this time I am helping a friend who has a very disabled son at home. In order for her to get some work done outside the home I volunteered to have a task delegated to me. I will go later this afternoon and do that task. Her daughter is in school and may need a ride back home which is a little ways up the road.

My friend asked me if her daughter does not get a ride with some of her peers would I be able to go and get her. My friend also stated: "would I impose on you? I know you are already busy today and you coming to my house helps me tremendously, tell me if you cannot do it". See? she did not take me for granted. The school is about 5 miles up the road from her house and her daughter gets out about 15 minutes before I need to be at her house. She could have said: "btw, since you are going to be in the neighborhood go and get my child". and no, she did not

And as you walk you make your path Kat

I see the difference.    My friend, for as sweet as she is, often does stuff and then hopes people will help her out of a bind, rather than checking first.  Combine that with me, who for some reason grew up believing that if someone does something nice for me that I should be indebted for life ....  ugh.

Thanks, friend. 

J

<Y'all are great here, but I gotta get more friends in real life.>

We were talking about this at work today - where do adults meet other adults? I live in a town of 8,000. I have "work" friends that I sometimes go to lunch with or out for cocktails after work, I have my FRIENDS (most of whom I've had since high school), and I have a couple of guy friends that I've met because they lived in my neighborhood. There are no book clubs. There are bowling and volleyball teams through the Rec Board, but the teams are already made up before registering, most of those are sponsored by businesses and comprised of their employees. I don't go to church... That leaves the bars (yippee) or striking up conversations with complete strangers in the grocery store and I have to say, I'm not comfy with that. There is a singles group... but a lady I used to work with went to one (and she was WEIRD) and said the people were all in their 60s and a good portion of them were like the "crazy cat lady" that every town has. We have AA and NA groups, but I don't have the need for their services.

Beyond that... I got nothin'!

Monica

My yesterdays are all boxed up - and neatly put away.

I work part-time in a church and that in itself makes me not want to go there at ALL on Sundays.  Isn't that bad?  

(My friend emailed to apologized for "any attitude" that she may have had.  hmmm.  anyways.)

I think when the kids get back in school I'll meet some more parents.  PTA and thrilling stuff like that.

Jean

PTA, that didn't come up. The guy I was talking to has toddlers and I have no kids! All of my friends have kids but they're older (high school) so they're not active.

I'm GLAD your friend apologized, Jean. She really was acting selfishly, especially since she said she didn't WANT to take a cab. It was a viable option, one that wouldn't have involved dragging your little ones out in the middle of the night!

Monica

My yesterdays are all boxed up - and neatly put away.

I know what you guys mean about the friend thing.I don't have any friends.I am at home all the time & when I do get out of the house it's to grocery shop or shop at Wal-mart, or go to a movie by myself or with one of my kids.It's sad to be 46 & not have a life.I just keep so busy that there isn't any time for those things.It's not how I would like things to be but the financial matters mean I have to work alot.

hi jean

hope my comments arent too late

well, first off i have to say friend or not, i would have been pissed off that she had changed the time of her flight and then still expected me to be able to accomodate her or help her. if she was my friend she would know my situation in relation to children and understand that such a request was difficult, no matter how much you tried to help her and no matter how much she has helped you in the past.

i have a couple of questions

a) why wont she just take a taxi herself, even with your offer to pay half or all of it. i imagine she is in a better financial position than you. the only time i would ask or even accept such an offer from my friends was if i was really broke and it was an emergency and i would offer to pay them back later etc.. the conversation would be like this "lyn i am dead broke have no cash but i have to get to the airport in an emergency, can you lend me $50 to cover it?". my mate lyn would say no problems or offer to take me to the airport. your friend's situation does not sound like this

b) alternatively, given that her flight is so early, and i have no idea how far you from the airport etc but can you take her while the kids sleep. I KNOW this is not a good thing to do but in urgent or emergency situations we as parents do this stuff, even if we have to say to oldest child "mummy is getting up early to take aunty lyn to the airport, but i will only be gone an hour and the house will be locked up you will be safe" etc

given the above options for your family i am surprised and concerned that your friend has no consideration for your situation and can't get herself to the airport in a taxi. how old is she????? maybe i am being a bit bitchy here.

but at the end of the day this is her problem not yours, but she is making it yours which is not fair unless the need for her to fly is an unforseen emergency such as her brother ringing and saying "mum is near death in boston can you make it?". anything other than that type of call is not a drop everything emergency for her, let alone you and your family.

at the end of the day, she is an adult and you can only offer what you can do. sounds like if you cant do this for her, she WILL find another way.

please take care and dont feel bad about saying no to her on this occassion if you have to, despite her help to you in the past, if she was a good and true friend she would either not have asked or would at least understand your inability to help this time
take care
kath

It was no emergency, Kath.  She was going to pick up a car, that's all.  And it turns out she missed her flight due to a "buddy pass" error...whatever that means.

Certainly if it were an emergency AND there was no taxi service, I would have taken her, no matter the time. 

Yeah, I'm still a little pissed at her.  I can let it go, but I don't want it happening again.

My issue is I often feel a LOT of guilt for sticking to my boundaries - boundaries that seem perfectly reasonable to most other reasonable people.....  This is my problem and I want to fix it.

Jean