Jordan you wrote this in 'Discovery' and I am sure I'm not supposed to put in 'Open' but I am --- You asked, "Are you not seeing how this is affecting your spouses?" Yes I know, I will probably feel bad about it again tomorrow, maybe not. But again I ask, why should I care, she showed absolutely no concideration to me or our children when she did what she did. She didn't care that this would destroy me, WHY SHOULD I CARE?

Why should you care?? You should care because you love me. You should care because the next moment that you are not angry, you will be so ashamed at the way you are treating me that it will break my heart as I hold you while you cry.
You are right that I showed no consideration to you or our children at the time I was in my "stupid world" (as i always call it) - AND I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING IN THAT WORLD AS YOU WELL KNOW. I understand how you will continue to have these days, like today, I really do understand... that is why I continue to stay here. That is why I continue to hold you when you cry. That is why I'm not going anywhere - even though you just got finished giving me the ultimate "out" and I could leave without batting an eyelash, should I have chosen to do so. I'm here Jordan!! I'm here because I love you and I KNOW you love me to no end. I care and I KNOW you care just as much.
Jordan, tell me... "What am I to do?"
What am I to do - when you are at work and won't answer the cell phone. won't let me talk to you when i call your work phone. Won't let me see you are online on the buddy list & won't respond to my IM's. If this were just a case of 'needing your space' I could see that but it really isn't. You are ignoring me in order for me not to be able to talk to you. For you to be able to say what you want and I can not. We need to communicate!!! and not one-sided communication!!
I love you Jordan and I don't know what I am supposed to do. Only thing is to hang on.... please Jordan, I'm hanging on and I fear of letting go!! or having you pull my fingers one by one until I'm forced to let go.
I don't know what to do....
Cyndee

Cyndee and Jordan,

I'd guess that Jordan's work comes with an Employee Assistance Program.

Jordan, use it. You need some help to find the right way to deal with all this, buddy. Your way WILL kill your marriage.

Cyndee, time and separation are sometimes what a betrayed spouse needs. It would be a good idea to respect his need NOT to talk sometimes. Forcing him to talk is just like pouring kerosene on a fire. Not good.

The first step for both of you is to just calm down, and you may each need some individual counseling for that OR some time apart. It's probably too early for joint counseling. A betrayed spouse is often really angry about everything...it's normal and a natural reaction to hurt, especially in men. And the tougher and more manly the man, the more angry he often seems. That's why I suggested the EAP; counselors provided by Jordan's employer would know how to deal with men in his profession.

Cyndee, Jordan won't "hear" you until he's ready to listen. And he won't listen until he works through his anger and hurt. Please respect that and understand that right now, it's the anger and hurt talking to you.

Chris.

Cyndee-

I am sorry for your pain.

I wish I had THE answer for you. I don't. Jordan's reaction seems fairly normal. Play for the times he will open up to you. Do not crowd him. At some point, your remorse will break through to him.

This is the most difficult time in life.

Will this be a dealbreaker for him? Only in rare cases does it seem to be.

Time is the only answer here.

Stay with us.

Jay

Cyndee

I'll echo what Chris said.  What you're hearing now is Jordan's hurt and anger talking. He has to work through that. Imagine how you'd feel if you were in his situation. You'd most likely be reacting the same way.  How would you want him to be acting towards you? If it were me I'd have wanted my husband to hang in there with me until I got all the pain and anger out.

It's impossible as the WS to understand what the BS is going through. Just as it's impossible for them to know what we are going through.  We're both scrambling trying to make sense of this mess we find ourselves in. With no one knowing what to say or do for the other.

That's why sites like this one and the resources listed are so valuable.  Talk to people who have been there. Read anything you can get your hands on. Throw out what doesn't work for you and keep the rest. But most of all understand that this is a long long journey. It's not going to happen over night or even in a couple of years.

If your relationship can weather this it will be stronger than you ever imagined it could be. But you both have to work towards that common goal. In the beginning it seems to be more about just getting through the day. Try and focus on helping each other do that. If Jordan needs space, give him space.  You can't fix this for him or even tell him what he needs to do to fix it, just as he can't fix it for you.

Keep talking to us. 

GT