Made a mistake tonight by letting H know what I was thinking about. Let him know I was 'hurt' or whatever and I tried to defend something that I had said. Didn't realize that it was going to blow up like it did. I tend to forget that I don't have any right in showing emotions on certain things. I don't say this sarcastically. I am very serious when I say this. I try not to show any emotions that make it seem like I want sympathy. I believe a certain conversation was said one way and H feels it was said another way. I should have just let it drop but I didn't and now I am regretting it. So, when you read this post H... please..... I'm very sorry this whole thing occurred. Honestly.

Howdy Cyndee,

No-one thinks anything bad nor will they. Besides the only 2 that count are you and Jordan. Y'all had a misunderstanding. That's all. Talk it out and listen to each other....really listen.

Tex

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Y'all are about a stubborn two-some. But stubborn isn't getting you anywhere right now. As the saying goes: do you wanna be right or you do you wanna be married?

You've got to work on stop getting defensive when explaining your feelings and emotions to each other. You don't have to agree with one another but you do have to accept and try to understand how the other one is feeling. I know its hard to hear each other thru the pain but you've got to start busting that wall down one brick at a time.

Cyndee you misspoke. That's all. As I told Jordan any new BS would have been hurt by that comment. That's just the way it is and will be for awhile. Of course any person is going to defend themselves when they feel they are under attack but Cyndee...Jordan was trying to tell you how that comment made him feel. Do you see what I'm saying?

The way I see it... ok...y'all had a setback tonight. Learn from it so y'all can handle it better next time.

Regards,

Tex

I totally do understand H trying to acknowledge he took a baby step and in my book it was HUGE.

What a mess.... yes, I misspoke and think it wonderful that H looked past it and didn't wind up angry. Then I defended when I shouldn't have and he wound up angry. Now all I want to do is hug him and can't because he is working.

I leave with this..... "I'm listening"

Hi Cyndee,

When i read Jordan's post earlier...My reaction was he is saying I didn't react badly...Yea for me...it was about his reaction to not reaching you and NOT going ballistic with doubt...worry...thinking the worst...he was saying that he handled the pressure well, and trusted that you were where you told him you were....big step for a BS...

I was all over my H after his A...so i understand what he was saying...and It was a positive step for him...

Now Cyndee be gentle with your self...you are trying and that is the what you have to keep doing ...communication is tough because we react to words, actions, experience, facial expressions...we think we hear something and in reality our past tells us something else is being said...so we protect ourselves...become defensive...right now you both have to lean to listen to each other and forget the past...listen to each other as new friends...really hear what you are saying to each other.

Pat

Cyndee, I think all of us BS probably reacted the same way as Jordan in the beginning. We are/were all supersensitive to anything a WS would say or do.

I remember a time a couple of weeks after d-day when NM went to a small local parade. She had taken her cell phone and then after the parade she went for coffee or something with her mom not aware of what might occur between us, just business as usual. After a couple of hours my anxieties were getting the best of me so I started calling her cell phone. No answers after many tries. She had lost her cell phone at the parade. She comes home a few hours later unconcerned about whether or not she was in contact with me. It didn't matter to me that she was innocent in her whereabouts. Needless to say all hell broke loose and that was our first major lesson in the need to think about each other's possible triggering.

Neither one of you can think along the lines of "business as usual" for at least a year maybe longer. There has to be a certain amount of trust restored before anxiety and emotions subside and don't overtake one of you. Cyndee for the time being you have to let Jordan know where you are at all times. You have to become totally transparent like clear glass with all your activities. You have to account for your whereabouts at any given moment. This may not seem fair to you but you gave up "business as usual" by stealing time away from your husband and your family by having an affair. The other alternative will eventually end your marriage. (There are plenty of people around here to ask about that.)

There will come a time (if it hasn't kicked in already) that you will have a need to know Jordan's whereabouts at any given moment too. It may not seem fair to Jordan but he will also have to be understanding toward your needs. Again, the alternative will eventually end the marriage.

So how do you avoid this? First, do what Pat says. Both of you state what you need and both of you listen to each other. Work out by negotiating reasonable expectations and things that you can do to help each other maintain. Cyndee, you have to raise your awareness to match Jordan's super sensitiveness for the time being. Be aware of what being out of his sight and contact could mean to him. If you are at the grocery store and you are going to be 10 minutes late, call him. He may be his usual smartass self when he answers but deep down he appreciates it. The alternative is messy.

ETA: You just misspoke, that's all. A year ago you could mispeak about something and Jordan would not react, but (again) it's not business as usual. Jordan is super sensitive to what you say and do. Its a horrible feeling for both of you. I, like others, saw his post as trying to get support for his efforts in not letting himself get out of control. I did not see you as a bad guy by what he said. I saw him trying to apply some of the things that he has learned here and trying to get support for his efforts.

Cyndee, I don't think anyone here sees you as a bad person. I certainly don't. By how you reacted to Jordan's post indicates that you too are supersensitive about some things.

I see two people trying their damndest to get thru a horrible situation. That's what I see.

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