I was over at SI and that seems to be the concensus on what's been buggin me lately. In their resources they have a definition written by some guy called blindjustice. Anyhow, I feel like I have lost that loving feeling, what do I do? I am not angry, I am not happy. I am just blah......
Jordan
Bitter, but better.
This message has been edited by firemandown on Jun 21, 2007 7:34 PM
Get up every day.
Eat some.
Work some.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Read some.
Write some.
Talk some.
Sleep some.
Repeat frequently until you're ready to do something else.
Of course, the nature of your work is different than most of us who work a "regular" five or six day week. Even when you're working, sometimes you're not completely occupied...and sometimes you're literally fighting for your life, the lives of your coworkers, or the lives of victims. So I understand that maybe you have to find a different way.
I think keeping your mind and hands occupied with challenges is probably number one, Jordan. It's mental gymastics sometimes, but that's necessary sometimes.
In the end, you just have to get through it...I wish I could be more hopeful or helpful.
I came up with that term about 6 years ago when I found myself in the plain of lethal flatness. It was about 2 yrs after d-day.
Part of me was relieved by the numbness. It was better than the violent roller-coaster. The other part of me worried that I may never escape. It was really profoundly FLAT.
I now theorize that it's actually a physiological response to long-term heightened adrenaline and stress. It may be post-post traumatic stress disorder. PPTSD.
Because so many of us went through this same flat numb phase, you should know that we also eventually found our way off the plain. One thing to bear in mind is that you may not know exactly where you are for a while when you do get off of this plain of lethal flatness. It will likely be yet another new and unfamiliar place - although with feeling again. I guess it must be the world of the heart and soul we're experiencing.
Adultery is pretty life-altering. I found it extremely challenging to never be able to return to where I was pre-d-day; and to learn to accept that I live in another world now. It's not the one I used to live in.
x
This message has been edited by Red--Wolf on Jan 27, 2007 11:17 PM
Someone said to hold and hug, even when you don't feel like it. Sounds resonable, but doing it is another thing. This is really different from the coaster ride, but walking around like a zombie isn't much fun either. It is like I have a million things in my head, but I can't grab onto a single thought. So I just sit and veg without thinking, maybe the gym would help me here. Guess we will see, I just have no umph to get up and go.
Red Wolf, Where was the next stop after you found your away off the "plain of lethal flatness"? I didn't realize you coined this phrase at two years out. I thought this was what was happening at 9,12 or 18 months. Guess that was still a shattered heart in intensive care on pain meds. I thought I was flipped out because at two years out I am really there. You said you may not know where you are but you can feel again. Where are you now? It is so helpful to have someone who has been on this bus before who can tell us what is waiting for us at the next stop.
This message has been edited by meg4 on Jan 28, 2007 2:13 AM This message has been edited by meg4 on Jan 28, 2007 1:45 AM This message has been edited by meg4 on Jan 28, 2007 1:42 AM
I am a FWS and my H appears to be stuck in the 'flatness' even at 4 years out. Can anyone tell me if they just felt like they preferred to stay there? That maybe the numbness was a safer place to be?
Is there anything I can do as a FWS to help him get out of this phase? He says he's not happy and he just doesn't care about things. When I try to talk to him about our marriage situation, he just completely shuts me out and turns off any good feelings he does have.
He has been to IC on and off over the past 9 months (more off than on really) and hasn't been for a few months now, but his IC says he has a wall built up around him and some people can knock them down and others can't.
Depression is sometimes an outcome of betrayal. What you have described sounds like depression to me, but I would expect a counselor to make mention of that if s/he noticed it.
What does he say when you ask him about this "don't care" state of mind? Does he exhibit the classic signs of depression in other aspects of life, or only toward you? (Type "depression" in any search engine and you should find a site with a list of symptoms.)
Another possibility: four years isn't really a long time for an individual to get a grasp on recovery. Some people don't even calm down until three or four years later. I didn't file for divorce until almost five years had gone by and I knew for sure my displeasure wasn't just about an event (affair) but was about the sorry state of communication in the marriage and that it couldn't be fixed.
This sounds harsh, but he may not be sure about being married to you, and that ambivalence may look to you like "don't care".
You know your husband and your marriage best. What do you think about these possiblities?
Thanks so much for your response. I appreciate you taking the time.
My H does have bouts of depression, although now his feelings of not caring are really just aimed towards me and our marriage. He says the marriage is 'fine'. Things are often better as long as we don't discuss any types of issues. If I just keep my mouth shut about things that make me unhappy, or areas in our marriage I would like us to work on, then he distances himself from me. He doesn't want to deal with any of it.
My main concern about that is that through my 2 1/2 years of counseling, I have learned that part of my problems before the A is that I was afraid to speak up about my dissatisfaction because I didn't want my H to be mad. This is one of the things my IC believes has lead to my affair. I am not at all blaming my H for this, I realize it is something that I needed to work on. Now when I do express myself, it all comes back as what I feel is a type of punishment. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.
My H has no interest in working on our marriage. He is fine with it the way it is. He is him, I am me and there is no 'us' to speak of. I do understand the need to be independent and have our own time to do things we enjoy on our own, but I also believe there needs to be focus on our marriage and to think of each other instead of only ourselves.
I feel that there are many underlying issues about my A (which was an EA) and the choices he made when we separated. He seems to want to sweep them under the rug. I want to work through them so that we can heal from them.
The gym helped me more than anything else. If I was too upset, I worked out until I was ready to drop. Although I have a fairly long history of working out, I did it more than usual after his A. Most of us have some self esteem issues after your partner has an A and I think the gym helped me feel better about myself. It also helped me cool off when I talked to him.
