The prosecutor is going to go forward with the trial. The detective said today that this case is weaker than the one before it, except if I testify. If I testify, I could get cross-examined by the defense. It could get ugly.
I don't think I want to testify, and now I'm scared. I don't think that they can force me to, can they? (Someone mentioned that if I was supoenaed, then I'd have to.) I contacted Legal Aid today to see if I could get visitation supervised or temporarily suspended. The intake lady was snitty, would not answer some questions I had, and so I don't know if a lawyer would be able to help me with whether I should testify, or if I'll just get counsel about visitation issues.
When the ex called today to see if the children could go with him to dinner, I wanted to throw up. I said we had other plans.
I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I set up a counseling session about this for Thursday.
It would be easier to just do nothing. Should I?
Jean
This message has been edited by Jean150 on Apr 12, 2007 4:29 PM
Is district attorney the prosecuting attorney? I was told he would call me within the next 4-6 weeks.
You know, a part of me does feel badly for the ex. I did love this man once. But I am also incredibly angry at him -- I think that's it -- the anger at what he has done and what he may have done and the mess this all puts us in. I know what this man is like -- very addictive type --and when he zones out, which has been often -- he is inaccessible. The way he medicates himself makes him inaccessible -- this in itself, aside from the unsavory things, has made me concerned for the kids a whole lot in the past, but I let that go.... Nothing I could do. Now that his addiction has most likely been taken to another level, well, that has put me over the top.
I'm sorry that I'm over the top. This whole process is agonizingly slow. While we wait for another trial, I still have to deal with him and the children. The shock of the whole thing as wore off and now I just get reminded of it every time I have to talk to the man, or the detective, etc. I'm not sitting around ruminating, tho. Work, school, homework, etc. has kept me busy.... we went to the beach for quite a while tonight, too, and that was refreshing.
It's just that I can't seem to get away from this. Unless I just drop it, refuse to testify, and ignore that icky feeling in my gut every time I see my children leave with their dad.
Try not to worry about the trial I am betting after meeting with you the DA will not want you on the stand. If he is going forward with this I am sure he already has the three women who saw him do this lined up to testify. Most of what you would testify to are character issues and how he has lied in the past. (Not sure that is real evidence) Neither side is going to want you on the stand not knowing what you are going to say. If you do testify the DA is going to walk you through the entire process and if he feels it could get ugly he will probably not want you to testify. Things he has done in the past that have nothing to do with this bathroom thing will not be allowed into evidence. You have been through alot try to worry about yourself and your kids. If he gets convicted you should have no problem getting supervised visitation. I am shocked that you can't get this now. Worrying is a problem that might never happen. I have a job where I testify all of the time and it will not be as bad as you are thinking. Most of the time once all the evidenvce is presented I would bet they plee it out, that means they usually do not go to trial at the last minute. I know this site is a great place to get out your worries I just hope you are not letting this eat you alive. Good luck and try not to worry about what might happen.
Last night I talked to a counselor who was highly recommended to me. I'm feeling better now and have formulated my own plan of action. I'm not going to testify unless required by law, but I am going to get a lawyer and get visitation suspended or supervised until further notice.
The counselor said that he sounds deep in his addiction, and to be careful because many addicts can get furious and/or dangerous when people get in the way of their "drug." That's why she said not to testify -- that all I need to do is take steps to ensure my children are safe. She said that if legal measures are not in place by next weekend (which, I would think, they woudn't be), that I should just be straight with him and say plainly that legal measures are in the works, but that the children will not be with him unsupervised until further notice.
I asked her then about what should I tell the children when it's their weekend to be with him? She said to say simply "Dad is in some trouble with the law, and until that gets straightened out, you won't be going with him." Then she said something that really resonated with me -- the truth does not make a person crazy -- it may hurt for a bit or make you sad -- but the truth is not to feared and never makes one feel crazy -- it is the lies, the half-truths, and denial that are "crazymaking." The children know that I've been stressed. They're not dumb. I just haven't felt that I could tell them why, and until this point, not sure that they needed to know anything besides that "mom is stressed about some stuff right now ... it's not about you." Well, soon, I may have to share more with them.
She also told me to get both my children evaluated for sexual trauma, and she recommended someone -- yowzaa. I'm not sure about that part just yet.
I feel better now that I know I can do something about this.
It was good to talk to a professional and lay out the whole story, albeit the abbreviated version, and get an objective viewpoint. She has dealt with issues like this in the past, and I just can't tell you how good it was to be sitting down with a "real person" and to have gut feelings, backed up by facts, validated. I should have done this way back in October when I first learned of his encounters with the law.
Now I understand how families with this types of addictions and abuse stay quiet -- the mind is a powerful thing -- denial is powerful -- and it is hard for one to get one's head around things like this without outside help.
There is still a part of me that wants to think, "Jean, you're getting carried away. He is not a sex addict, so of course it can't be getting worse .... he wouldn't endanger the children...." Then again....gut feelings are there for a reason, right? This is hard for me because as I was growing up, I was "trained," if you will, to believe that my gut feelings didn't matter. I don't want to make this same mistakes with my kids, so I better fix it in me now.
I may be leaning on the support of these board for a while during the thick of this.
I started feeling a little panicky in the car today when the thought came to me that within a week I will be telling the ex that the children won't be going to his place. Then, of course, I have to tell the children that, too.
He hasn't called the orthodontist for the children as he said he would to set up payment arrangements. I don't think that this news I'll have for him is going to make him any more inclined to do that. He is so childish. It's funny, as he's so professional at his job -- and so it's like a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hide. The counselor said that I may have to get a restraining order on him. All this seems so over the top.
Just talked to a laywer from LegalAid -- they don't handle this kind of case, so I'm on my own. BUT, there is a motion that I can fill out in domestic court for him to pay the ortho bills if he continues to ignore them. I don't need a lawyer to do that.
I can't believe that they don't handle this kind of case....jeez. She said that most likely, without a conviction on this trespass charge, the court would throw out my motion to modify visitation (she knows the judge assigned). He probably won't get convicted unless I testify. The lawyer suggested that I testify.
I am so damn confused.
She even said to ask the prosecutor to put my daughter on the prosecutions's witness list -- just to give me time to file the motion for visitation -- so that he wouldn't be able to see her -- I'd be covered legally that way. It does nothing for our son. And then she said to get a counselor for my daughter. But I don't want her used in the system this way. I don't want strange adults talking to her about strange things. The counselor said to sidestep the whole trial for the criminal trespass and avoid getting Children's Services involved. The LegalAid attorney said exactly the opposite. The counselor said she is highly concerned and said the children are in danger and not to have them go over there alone at all anymore. The attorney said (when I asked), that I might be blowing it out of proportion, but better to be safe than sorry.
damn. This is when I feel like giving up because I'm getting conflicting advice from all over the place.
I guess I'm just back to watching and waiting. I'll testify if asked. Other than that I don't know what to do. Nothing overt has happened with the children and there is no evidence to confirm any gut feelings concerning them. I've been all over the board with this and still don't have a peace about any of it.
Yes, true, life is not peaceful a lot of the time, but I'm trying to find a course of action and/or outlook that will have me at peace with the situation. Can't find that.
Well, this second trial is going to be a jury trial, apparently, from what I saw on the court website.
I don't think anyone is able to be at peace with everything that happens in his/her life. There's just some bad stuff that happens that we get through. This is probably one of those times.
Control - the entire situation is out of your control, Jean.
Know that if you were asked to testify for either side - you will have to answer some hard questions from either side. You would not be testifying as a witness -
I sort of, kind of think I know what you would like to see happen however remember you would be destroying the father of your children. Are you ready to answer your children' questions when the time comes?
Is there a way you could let go of the entire "thing"? It is not your fight to fight. You still have some unresolved feelings for your former spouse - normal - but at this time the only tie you two have is the children. Open your energy channel to something a little more productive, to something which would not make you "feel sick about it". Worrying is spending negative energy - it is not productive, it saps your energy and your health ... for what?? It is out of your control !
I will not accept an answer from you which would start with: "yes, but...." Just let the power to be know that you have children - and let the ball roll... you never know you may be surprised
<<remember you would be destroying the father of your children>>
Pardon, Kat? How do you figure? What could I possibly destroy by answering truthfully on a witness stand? The truth is what I feel in my gut The truth is that something is majorly wrong. Am I in the wrong to want to know the progression of his addiction? And how it may be affecting our children? Yes, I am prepared to answer our children's questions.
The only thing I want to have happen is for my children to be safe and for the truth to come out. How can I help protect my children if I don't know what I'm dealing with?
Today I received an email at work asking for prayer for two sisters, ages 7 and 5, who had been molested. A trigger for me. All I can say is that what I am going through is like the betrayal of infidelity all over again. Although in some ways it is worse. It's one thing to "let go" of a relationship and work on your own healing. It's quite another thing to "let go" of your young children into a risky situation.
I do appreciate your input, Kat, and I thank you for taking the time ... I just don't see how you can say that. However, I am back to not taking any action concerning visitation until I have more facts, or he is convicted. I don't have a real peace about that, but I don't have a peace about taking any other action right now, either. What I'm after, as I tried to express above, is a peace that what I am doing is the right thing -- that's the peace I'm looking for. I am not looking for peace in any outward circumstances.
Jean, I see a couple of recurring choices where you could spend your emotional energy productively.
1. Take your daughter to a counselor or Child Protective Services and find out what her issues are with daddy, instead of letting a feeling fester in your gut. Give your daughter a voice.
2. Accept that you will never be able to control your ex's behavior or parenting (as long as nothing illegal is happening) and then figure out another way to spend the emotional energy that now goes into anxiety and worry.
For months now, the responses to you haven't been too different from the above.
Counseling for my daughter (and a bit for my son, maybe). One day at a time as far at the ex's trial is concerned.
And ... I'm going to talk to a few people about how long it would take to get my teaching certificate. Part of my stress is financial -- a financial dependence on the ex. I've accomplished my goals of nurturing my babies while they were little, and now it's time for a change. If I can get my certificate within 12-18 months, that would be ideal -- as a teacher I'd be on the same schedule as my kids, get two weeks off at Christmas, one week in the Spring, and, what, about 7-8 weeks in the summer.... I think I could handle that.
I just did a bit of networking yesterday and gave my book club leader my resume ... she says I can have her job because she's stepping down. She's some sort of "literacy liason" for the school district. On the school schedule, too, so ... we'll see.
She's not the one doing the hiring, but I bet she can have a lot of influence. The program is for educational and literacy renewal in urban schools and aims to enhance the communication and networking of teachers and parents for the benefit of the students -- thru book clubs and I'm sure other things that I don't know about yet.... sounds like a lot of fun to me, and also right up my alley. Not sure if I need a teacher's cert. for that, yet, but perhaps they would accept me if I were in a certifcation program.
With today's lack of educators, lateral entries are many - and they may even work with you while you are getting your cert - 18 hours for you would no be to hard
Thanks for being excited for me. Again, I've just given her my resume -- but I think we sort of "clicked" in the book club -- even before we ever talked of any job opening. So.... eye yi yi..... I've been so long without real money I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd probably start first with my wardrobe. And if I'm on a school schedule, I'd get summers free, so next summer we'd pile in the car and trek outwest so my two can get an idea about how big and beautiful this country is. And of course I'd start to pay my brother back for all his help.
