Are you a "nurturer", a "leader", a "mediator", a "rescuer", a "critic"? How do you prefer to handle (and resolve) conflict and adverse circumstances: confront, deny, focus forward, focus backward? Do you believe you have significant control over the people and events that unfold around you?
How has your primary style influenced your recovery from affair(s)?
Did you learn any surprising truths about your approach to life in the months and years after d-day?
>>Are you a "nurturer", a "leader", a "mediator", a "rescuer", a "critic"?>>
With my family I think I've been all of those things. With other relationships I tend to want to be the leader and/or mediator. I find myself trying to get others to resolve their issues with me and other people in their lives. I try hard not to be the "critic" but sometimes it pops out anyway. Overall I'd rather take the lead than to be lead though.
>>How do you prefer to handle (and resolve) conflict and adverse circumstances: confront, deny, focus forward, focus backward?>>
At this point in my life I'm big into resolving things and not letting things fester. I confront things head on. I've always pretty much done that, but not always in the most productive way.
I tend to focus forward now more so than I have at any other time in the past. Some of that's age, some of it is affair recovery.
>>Do you believe you have significant control over the people and events that unfold around you?>>
I used to have a major problem with wanting/needing to be in control of everyone and everything. I didn't feel at peace unless I felt I was in control. As you can imagine I wasn't at peace much because people and situations didn't always fit into the mold I set for them.
>>How has your primary style influenced your recovery from affair(s)?<<
First let me say my primary style changed big time during affair recovery. My need to control the situation hindered me/us at every turn. Once I "let go" and realized I couldn't control the people around me or even the situations I found the peace that had alluded me all those years. I realized that I'm only in control of me. I have to learn to deal with what happens around me whether it be good or bad. To me that's been the biggest challenge, but has reaped the most rewards.
>>Did you learn any surprising truths about your approach to life in the months and years after d-day?>>
I learned that I'd been approaching life the wrong way. I was like a fish trying to swim upstream. Yet wondering why everyone around me was going the wrong way. Turns out I was the one going the wrong way. That was a hard truth to get my head wrapped around.
Did you learn any of it here?
I learned a lot of it here by making friends and opening my mind to change. I learned a lot by talking with a very good counselor. And I learned a lot by simple admitting that I can't change other people, I can only change me
It seems like such a simple concept when you read it. But it was extremely hard for me to put into practice. Still is sometimes.
Are you a "nurturer", a "leader", a "mediator", a "rescuer", a "critic"? How do you prefer to handle (and resolve) conflict and adverse circumstances: confront, deny, focus forward, focus backward? Do you believe you have significant control over the people and events that unfold around you?
How has your primary style influenced your recovery from affair(s)?
Did you learn any surprising truths about your approach to life in the months and years after d-day?
Did you learn any of it here?"
Wow the funny thing is the above sounds like one of my job interviews at work I just went through to apply for a management position. I actually fell one point short on conflict management. I tend to internalize things rather than approach the person and resolve the conflict. Big surprise there eh!!! lol
Throughout my whole life I have avoided conflict, in particular with my mom. She always makes me mad and hurt, but I never let her know that. The same pattern ensued in marriage. I would be mad to the point of boiling over, but until I boiled over the anger wouldn't come out. Instead of just simply saying "what you just did bothers me".
Recently I have begun the giant task of working on that dilemna. I have begun to tell my mother that she is treating me like a child, or that what she says is not acceptable. I have even hung up the phone on her several times.
I truly believe that we show people how to treat us.
Like GT, I think I have been all of those things at various stages in my life. My primary style, well I would have to say it used to be rescuer up till D-day. Since then, I know I have changed, but I am not sure what style you would say it is. More than anything, I would say I have become a leader, I say this because of the challenges I have taken on with my job.
Surprising truths about my approach to life...oh yeah, BIGTIME changes there. One thing is dealing with conflict, I want to hit it head on, finding a solution or means of acceptance is more important than blame.
As for learning anything or any of it here, I would say that this board, and the one I used to belong to impacted my life, my approach to life, in so many ways. I believe that I am entirely changed from who I used to be. The affairs, and the friendships made on the boards, this one and the one I used to belong to are have changed me deeply.
The largest change, self awareness, and knowing its ok to put myself first in some cases. Not to fault my parents, but I was raised to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." That is a good way to live, but you can't live it being blind about reality. That is still paramount in my life, however, I think I was more willing to give and trust more easily than I now am.
It's to bad that it takes a life altering situation, (the affairs) to force us to discover hard truths about ourselves and other people. Overall, I have learned (because of my wifes affairs) so much about myself, about relationships and about communication. What I have learned also carries over into my work in a positive way.
Are you a "nurturer", a "leader", a "mediator", a "rescuer", a "critic"?"
I would say GT about summed this up for me as well - I take all roles on occasion and try to limit my critic roles although I do slip. I tend to be a mediator as well.
"Do you believe you have significant control over the people and events that unfold around you?
I may have thought I had some control over people (my ex mostly) before I went through my separation because I tried to stop my ex from doing certain "bad behaviors" but after reading a few books and talking to a counselor, my sisters and this group extensively, I know I have absolutely NO control over anyone. It certainly has changed the way I live now not only with my ex but also with some of my family. I don't bother trying to criticize family when I feel they are doing something wrong. I will not let anyone I date get away with any behavior I am not comfortable with. I've dumped a few guys with just minor clues of my ex's behaviors - it doesn't take much - not now. Life it too short to deal with ever again.
I do, however, believe that I have most of the control with things that unfold around me by choosing, or not choosing to react or making choices to change the things I don't like. I always have felt that way except getting caught up with my ex and his behavior certainly changed my thinking a bit for a while. I felt stuck becuase I cared so much about my children and their quality of life.
How has your primary style influenced your recovery from affair(s)?
I would say exactly the opposite. My recovery from an affair has changed or influenced my primary style. I now refuse to be a mother to someone, I refuse to let them make me control them through their bad behaviors, etc. - period! I do feel I've always tried to limit my criticism, I feel I have always been a nurturer, leader in some respects, a mediator and a rescuer sometimes.
"Did you learn any surprising truths about your approach to life in the months and years after d-day?"
Absolutely, that I cannot or could not control anything my ex did. I thought I could help change him for a long time. I learned that I should have never married someone that selfish, although I am grateful for the two great children he gave me. I learned through his bad behaviors what I didn't want in another relationship. He taught me a lot and maybe that was important in my life.
"Did you learn any of it here?"
Without a doubt. Many here knocked me in the head several times when I was faltering deciding whether or not to stay with my ex or not. I put far too much blame on myself in the beginning because I was scared to get out for fear what it would do to my children - they are doing great! I am very grateful for it, which is the reason I continue to come here. Many of you make me think - a lot!
Dave wrote>>Overall, I have learned (because of my wifes affairs) so much about myself, about relationships and about communication.
One other thing I thought of that's changed through all of this. I see how important it is to teach my children to communicate in relationships. Not only for their perspective spouses, but for every relationship they are involved in.
I never realized how valuable "good" communication is until I learned how to do it the right way.
GT
This message has been edited by gettingthere on Apr 13, 2007 4:50 PM
I used to try to be all things to all people. I used to think I had some control over other people and events in my life.
What I’ve learned:
Nice guys (and gals) finish last.
Life sucks sometimes. (Always knew it was unfair but …)
Trust no one completely.
I’m capable of hate.
I’m capable of rage.
That anyone could hurt me this much.
That I would stay with anyone who hurt me this much.
I can’t let things go.
I can’t even control my own thoughts much less anyone or anything else.
I have a lot to learn.
Obviously, I am not at the “enlightened” stage that the rest of you are at.
<<<Until then, you can get up any day and decide to do things differently.>>>
I know you are right. But knowing and doing... And it all seems to me like just a way to try to forget or at the least try to learn to focus or divert my attention and energies elsewhere. None of that changes what happened. What aren't I getting?
Are you a "nurturer", a "leader", a "mediator", a "rescuer", a "critic"? How do you prefer to handle (and resolve) conflict and adverse circumstances: confront, deny, focus forward, focus backward? Do you believe you have significant control over the people and events that unfold around you?>>
I'm a mediator. I handle and resolve conflict by focusing on moving forward in a way everyone can agree on. I'm also an auditory learner, in that I have to hear things to learn them, and I tend to believe things I hear more than things I see and feel. I know I don't have control over how others react; however, I believe that other people will react differently to me based on how I act.
<<How has your primary style influenced your recovery from affair(s)?>>
Initially, I wanted to do everything I could to save the marriage and I thought my H felt that way as well. When that didn't seem to work, I tried to be different and I think a different points I tried each of those different styles. In the end I realized that I had to personally recover and staying forward focused really helped with that.
<<Did you learn any surprising truths about your approach to life in the months and years after d-day?>>
Absolutely. I learned that I let my personal boundaries be violated over and over again because I feared losing the relationship (not just my marriage, other relationships as well). I thought that by not demanding anything I was being a good wife and partner; I learned that actually this was my contribution to the demise of my marriage. I learned that I need to listen to my own needs and boundaries and that I have a right to them, and that it essential to a healthy relationship.
I have a child with autism. He is 15 years old. He only stopped wetting the bed six months ago. He still occasionally smears feces. I have to leave work to pick him up from school at least once a month for hitting a teacher or another student, he even hit the resource officer. He has punched me, kicked me, bitten me, attacked me while I'm driving. He has urinated in public places, destroyed property, hurt people. I could go on and on but you get the picture.
I know a lot of people who have kids with disabilities. I know one mom whose 12 year old is in a wheelchair, still in diapers, cannot speak or communicate except through hitting. I have seen her in parking lots changing her son's diaper ( and he is about 5'6'') in the back of her SUV. All the kids are different, but it is very very difficult having a kid with a disability, and it is a responsibility I will have until I die.
I bring this up because there are two distinct groups of parents of kids with disabilities. There are those who constantly complain about how hard it is, how horrible the schools are, how bad the services are, how mean and intolerant people are, etc. Then there are those who have accepted that life ain't fair and they live their life on their own terms. They take their kids to special needs activities and they lean on other parents dealing with the same issues. They value the professionals and friends who help and don't let those who criticize or tell them their kids should be locked away get to them.
What Chris is saying to me about affair recovery is the same as having any other adversity. My kid has autism; I can't make that not true. What I can do is choose how I deal with it and whether I let it ruin the other parts of my life. As hard as it is, the same thing can be done when your partner is unfaithful. It doesn't happen overnight and it sure isn't easy. But as much as we feel like we have no control over what has happened, we have total control over how we deal with it and whether we move on to be happy again.
I don't mean to sound pollyanna and there are certainly times when I have felt so sorry for myself and hopeless, suicidal even. The burden of these responsiblities and the things I have to sacrifice can be overwhelming. But feeling that way doesn't change what has happened either. So in terms of my son, I choose to look at how far he has come, and how I can keep teaching him more. I focus on the positives, like that he can talk and dress himself and that he is starting to make friends and how those horrible behaviors continue to diminish every year. I was able to find a job with an extremely flexible schedule and work at home so I can be home for him when I need to. I have a beautiful, normal daughter, and a mother who loves me dearly.
My life is nothing like what I expected or hoped for. So what? I can look at it as a miserable failure or I can be determined that it will continue to get better. Then I can do everything I can to make that happen. The only thing I can change is what happens next. Easy? No way. But the alternative is just unacceptable.
So I guess that answers a little more about my style LOL.
May God and tne Universe bless you today. If I lived near you I would pick you up and take you to a day spa-my treat. Then I would take you and your kids out to dinner.
My life is as close to perfect as I could imagine. My only wish, ( to be reconciled with my XH ) isn't happening, and I let that bring me down at times.
I'm done crying about it for today. Thank You for your inspiring story.
I just wanted to point out that by writing about my son I didn't mean to discount any of the pain or difficulty of dealing with your spouse having an affair. It has been much, much harder for me to come to terms with my H's affair than it was to accept my son's disability, dealing with the affair and its aftermath is by far the most difficult thing I have ever done, and I still have work to do.
No matter how many good things we have in our lives it is never easy to deal with losing relationships and love.
Thank you for sharing your story, wisdom, and strength. Ironically, I do know somewhat of what you speak. My youngest son had meningacoccal meningitis at 5 months of age. We came very close to losing him. The doctors did not expect him to live and told us that if he did, he would most likely be either deaf, blind, mentally retarded—you get the idea. Well, he did live, thank God. We went through years, 15 years to be exact, dealing with the effects of that illness. They were years of doctors appointments, tests, speech therapy, and physical therapy. There were numerous surgeries, one to remove part of the growth plate in his leg which had closed prematurely, one to then straighten out the leg, two hip surgeries because of damaged bones there, and two leg lengthening surgeries. There were months of wheelchairs and crutches over and over again. He is now through with all of that and attending a very competitive university with a partial scholastic scholarship.
During all of those years I tapped into an inner strength I never knew I had. I had the major load of day to day care for him because I was the one at home during the day. I was the one who slept in the reclining chair all those nights in the hospital. People would ask, “How do you do it?” You just do what you have to do. For the most part I stayed pretty positive during those years. Seeing all those other children in the hospital with illnesses and diseases that would not get better made me realize how fortunate we were. Yes, it was a lot to deal with, but he was alive and there were things that the doctors could do for him. There were moments when I broke down when no one was around to see. One that sticks in my mind so vividly still is the day I went to the shoemaker to pick up his left shoe that we had to have built up about 6 cm. I took one look at that shoe, thanked this wonderful old man who we got to know very well over the coming years, got in my car, held that shoe and cried like I hadn’t cried in years. I then dried my eyes, put a smile on my face and went home. Over the years we would teasingly refer to those shoes as his “disco shoes” and about how it made him easy to pick out on the baseball field.
Somehow it was easier to be strong for my son than it is for myself. When my husband wasn’t working he was there doing his part in all of this. He always was my rock and I leaned on him often during those years. Now, he still is doing his part to try and make things better. I try to lean on him as I did before but it doesn’t help as much now as it did then. Then, I felt like together, we could get through anything life threw at us. This however is something he threw at us. We’ve both been damaged by it and my “rock” is no longer as strong as he once was.
I know that inner strength is in me, I’ve tapped it before when I had to. It seems more elusive this time. I believe the key is learning to accept. With Michael I came to accept early on because I had to. There were things I had to do. Coming so close to losing him also gave me the insight to look at the positive side of it all. This was something that we could deal with and do something about. I felt grateful for that. It’s hard to find something positive or something to be grateful for when dealing with an affair.
I don’t want to go through the rest of my life with a cloud hanging over my head. I understand the choice is mine and I will try to do some things differently in hopes that it will net me different results.
Rosie, Chris--Thanks for being here and caring. Believe it or not I am not always so down or negative anymore. I started therapy again and it seems like it takes me a couple of days to get back to feeling normal (or what passes for normal these days) again.
Thank you for sharing so much of your story. I guess we all adapt from our trials.
Angela,
It took me years...and a divorce. One of the reasons I stay around here is to try and help others get there faster, whether it's with a spouse or without. But the truth is, each of us gets there in our own time.
I have held many mothers' hand, encouraged cleansing tears, heard stories, and embrassed children with special needs some more complicated than others. And thru all those years and "cases" I have been in total awe of your combined strength.
A very dear friend was divorced when she made the decision to have her child back home after many years spent in institutions. Her 2nd H left her, her personal and financial life is/has been in turmoil BUT to see that young man thrive at home could be seen as a miracle. He is the only one left of his cohort! It is worthed. I have walked in her shoes for 4 weeks and I can testify it is NOT easy...
