I am sincerely hoping that I can get some sound advice here from people that have had an affair and from spouses that have been hurt and know how my husband feels. I am finding that it is difficut at best to find a live support group for people who have cheated and want their marriage to heal.
My story:
Essentially, I had an affair that lasted many years. I also had a few one night stands during that time. The extended affair was with a co-worker who was also married and was a friend. To compound my sins, during that time, I got pregnant and was too much of a coward to tell my husband that it couldn't be his. We both agreed to an abortion, but as you can imagine, this weighs heavily on me and him now. Several years after that, my husband and I had a baby of our own. She is 5 now. My husband was aware that something was going on long before I knew that he did but simply coped with it. Despite my actions, I love my husband tremendously and can't envision a life without him. Unfortunately, my actions have not conveyed that message.
When confronted by my husband a few months ago, I was terrified. He told me that he needed to know everything from start to finish and that if I left anything out, he would find out and it would be over. I was frozen. I kept thinking that if I told him everything, he was sure to leave me, so I told him the truth while leaving out a lot of details. Over several weeks, he revealed that he had sources of information and had an investigator following me for a while. He told me that he knew I hadn't told the whole truth and that I had better tell all without leaving out any detail. He also told me that he needed to know to heal himself. This really terrified me because I knew that there was no way I could recall seven years worth of detail and if I unintentionally left out anything, I would appear to be lieing. We agreed that I would go away for the weekend and spend time thinking about it to jog my memory. I did that and worked very hard at remembering. By this point, I knew that if I couldn't relate everything to him, I would lose him for sure. I had nothing to lose by telling the truth but the reality is that there were still some small details missing, details that I chose not to say.
After that weekend, I give a pretty detailed accounting of events and my husband was satisfied that I had done my best and was willing to work on the relationship. It was very difficult for him though. He wasn't sleeping and was torn daily between loving and hating me. It was hard for me too though. I was dealing wth my own self hatred, my fears, lack of self respect, et. all while trying to appear normal at work and raise a child. I had no one outside of my husband to talk to and when we spoke he either conveyed his love or a loathing that made it difficult to breathe. He called me a lot of nasty things and because I knew I deserved it, it I listened and agreed with him. I never knew what each day would bring. One day he was fully committed and the next would say that I disgusted him. Over a period of heartbreaking weeks of this, things were going pretty good. He was satisfied that he knew the whole story and was starting to heal. Our relationship had become supportive on both sides and we were both convinced that we had a long marriage ahead of us.
This past weekend was my daughter's birthday. An old girlfriend of mine brought her kids to the party. I had told my husband previously that she knew nothing about my affair. It was stupid to lie about that. I have absolutely no good excuse for it. For some reason, he decided to ask her point blank. She was so surprised that she say that yes, she was aware of everything. My husband told me that night that as far as he is concerned, our marriage is over but we can live separated in the same household for my daughter's sake. He told me that he can never trust me again and intends to lead a completely separate life except for my daughter. The next night he went out to a bar and found someone to haxe sex with. Out of hurt, I asked if she was better in bed than me and was quickly told that yes, she was. I made the mistake of asking again last night if he was telling the truth about that and he said that yes, he did tell the truth and would not lie to me if I asked something. However, that didn't stop him from wanting sex with me.
In the meantime, my husband has told me that he loves me but is not in love with me because he is not allowing himself to care about me anymore. He says that when he looks at me, he forces himself to recount events so that he will not care. He doesn't wear his wedding ring but still wants sex with me, says that he cares if I have a health or safety concern, but otherwise doesn't care anything about me. He says that while there is a small ray of hope for our relationship, he is not willing to put forth any effort to save it. He says that if it is saved, it will be due to my efforts alone.
How I feel and what I need to do:
Right now I feel like I'm dieing inside. I have not spoken to the person I had an affair since right after my husband confronted me and I called at my husband's insistence. I will never speak with him again and a perfectly ok with that. I made the mistake of realizing just how important my husband was after the fact. Now that I have all but lost him, I feel like my life is over. I am so ashamed of everything that I can't possibly talk to anyone I know and I don't know where to turn.
Last night, I kept asking my husband questions to clarify the parameters we now live under. It's so upsetting to hear that I get very emtional and defensive with my husband. This is mainly because he is so ok with it, no remorse at all. I, on the other hand, cannot fathom it. He wound up sleeping on the couch because I just couldn't let up on the subject.
I recognize that it is now all up to me. My actions will either make or break this very shortly. I think that my best course of action is to not question the current living situation no matter how much it hurts. If he goes out, I should deal with the hurt and be supportive of the fact that he needs to. If he has sex with others and still wants it with me, I should be there for him. Afterall, thats what he did for me, right? The only difference was that he was not blatantly aware. I should keep my thoughts and feelings in this forum rather than forcing him to listen to them. I should be pleasant and nice to be around at all times.
Please give me help...am I on the right track? Is this the right thing to do?
Hello and welcome to a safe place. I'm sorry that you had to come looking for us.
First of all you need to read "Joseph's letter" to his wife. Its in the archives here or maybe on the helpful links area. This will help you understand what your husband needs from you and why. Someone please post it for this new person.
Regarding him having a revenge affair. That will just leave him more empty inside. I hope that he doesn't do it. It just causes more people pain, besides himself what about the woman that he has the affair with. Does her feelings not count? And, what if she is married with kids. What about her family? Understand? You need to gently convey that to him if you can.
We have people, good people, from both sides of infidelity at this website. I would advise you as a former wayward spouse not to read on the "Discovery Forum" for a while. Sometimes the newly betrayed are understandably venting much anger there, although that forum at some point would help you realize just how deeply you have wounded your husband and your marriage.
Keep reading and keep posting. It will help.
Wish you well,
H2C
This message has been edited by hurt2core on May 16, 2007 12:32 PM
Oh my God! You are very much telling my life for the past 9ish months.... the only thing different is that mine was one guy that I thought I cared deeply about and we had sex 3 times within one month. Other than that.... it is pretty much like reading up on me.
I have no answers for you, as I myself am working so desperately at this. Just wanted you to know that I am in the exact same boat as you.
Cyndee
edited: firemandown is my husband.......
This message has been edited by firemansflame on May 16, 2007 12:31 PM
I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.
You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isn’t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don’t have.
Now let’s enter my reality. Let’s both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what’s the difference, it’s not important. Then later when I’m expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can’t just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don’t you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.
So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn’t come from jealousy, it doesn’t come from spitefulness, and it doesn’t come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn’t it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn’t it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can’t and the reason I can’t is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.
Second, Wow, have you addressed the "why's" within yourself? What gave you permission to go outside of your commitment to him?
As difficult as this will sound, your behavior appears to make you what is called a serial adulterer (SA). These are the most likely to fail. Is there any reason that he should not consider this a permanent part of who you are? What is it within you that makes you available to other men? What is within you that has this need? Is there some sexual inadequacy in your husband that justifies your availability?
These are all questions that you'll need to answer, if not for your H (husband) but for yourself. If you stand any chance of reconcilliation, at all, you'll have to come completely clean about any and all of your transgressions. If you intend that your relationship will be, from now on, honest then you'll have to make that commitment to yourself as much as to your H. If not, you'll likely have to allow your M (marriage) to dissolve a quiet death.
Remember 65% (or higher) of marriages that involve infidelity result in divorce. Multiple infidelities make matters worse.
Many would advise you seek professional help for your "problem". For whatever reason, you feel this behavior is somehow acceptable and to change your perspective you'll likely need help. You should likely seek professional help, if for no other reason, than to assure your H of your intentions to resolve, and to solve, your character issues.
The biggest issue is your perception of the notion of loyalty and your belief in commitment. These are not trivial issues to overcome. These were to be taught to us in our youth. Your actions have spoken volumes about who you really are and be sure he is only beginning to come to grips with the truth of those statements. This is a rollercoaster from hell and you are at the very beginning. On average, healing from infidelity takes from 2-5 years if competently addressed. The problem is that most WS's (wayward spouses) don't "competently" handle it. They prolong the process by continuing to lie and they make matters even worse by continuing behavior that led to prior transgressions. All undermine a BS's ability to trust and to believe there is anything, whatsoever, to work towards.
You should know at the outset that even though you may learn of what caused your interest to be available, any attempt to communicate that to your BS will be met with considerable resentment. Recognize, right now, there is NO excuse for infidelity, none! Excuses come in many forms but if the words "but" or "because" ever flow from your mouth you can bet you WILL be judged and not one bit of it will be good. You may not be told and you may assume some acceptance but you would be wrong, you will have no such acceptance. Here me correctly here, you will have none!
For most BS's their dilemma is to reconcile why you might want to be married and still want to act this immaturely. In fact, they'll want to know why you even wanted to be with someone else, at all. Why be married?
Your H's behavior has now become as deplorable as your own. Read about Cyndee and Jordan, right here, on this site. It is beyond sad. People willing to do this to their spouses, in general, should not be together. If that is what you want, if that is what you need, if that is your "preference", then why are you married? Go find someone who you can genuinely commit to and allow your victim (painful or not) the freedom to find someone they can truly trust.
As for your H's behavior; It is NOT acceptable. You may have done wrong but surely his behavior will make your union whole? That is ludicrus thinking and it clearly will blast the two of you apart. So, with regard to your "acceptance", what can it possibly serve? How about two broken people of little character and surely of no human commitment whatsoever. How will that serve your marriage into the future?
It won't!
Pick yourself up off the floor and learn to be a different you. While your at it demand that he be the man you want to be married to. If you have any vision whatsoever of what a marriage should be, strive for it. Work for it! In the absence of such a vision ( and the work associated) you can be sure chaos will rein. Hmmm, it sounds like you already have that, don't you?
You've got a very long way to go and you and he will get absolutely nowhere if it ain't on the high road. My lord, what a mess!
"If he has sex with others and still wants it with me, I should be there for him"
No, you don't have to just be there for him sexually if he's still sleeping with other women. I think you need to think about your health as well as his. I know too many women and men who have gotten STD's from their wandering spouse and some won't ever go away. I know you jeapardized your health and his as well but you seem to sound like you understand how horrible it all was and you have a wish to fix it. If it can't be fixed, would it be okay for both, or either of you to have a disease? I was also betrayed and although I was tempted to have a revenge A, I didn't - it wouldn't have been any more "right" just because I was betrayed. I know you're feeling bad about yourself right now but if I were you, I would NOT accept him still having sex with other women and still have sex with him.
For what it's worth, every former betrayer I've ever spoken to has not let all the facts out right away and I've been here for several years - it is human nature to try to hide what may hurt your partner. I'm not saying that is the way it should be if you want to make your marriage work in the long run but just that it is normal behavior at first. The ones who truly make it in their marriages after an A come clean completely once they realize that it can't be done any other way. I hope he'll give you another chance.
Thank you for reaching out. I hope this site will help you sort out the myriad of feelings you are experiencing.
The first (and last) bit of advice I have for you is this: Please get professional help, for your child's sake as well as your own.
Sex with your H, after he has had sex with someone else, is putting your health at risk. If you have sex, please use protection (read: condom). But even that does not protect you from all risk. What will it benefit your child if you become ill?
It takes two people to work at a marriage. Your H's claim that it's "all up to you" is not accurate. HOwever, he is more than likely conveying that he needs you to step up to the plate, so to speak. He's waiting to see how you respond and what is important to you. Your actions will be worth much more to him that your words.
It is hard to step outside your perspective when dealing with such a difficult and painful situation, but please think about your child. If you think that living in the same house with H will convince your child that things are okay, you are both sadly fooling yourselves. Children KNOW when there are problems. It may be a better decision, from the way you've described things, to live separately.
Please, please, please get professional help! See a pastor, a counselor, a marriage and family therapist, a psychologist, anyone with professional experience in these matters.
Regan, do you think you could get your spouse to read here? I think he has a lot in common with some of us. The fact is, it's VERY rare to get the truth, all tied up in one little package, on the first go round. It trickles out, and sometimes at really inopportune moments (like your friend admitting she knew about the A).
The truth in my ex's A came out in spurts and NEVER willingly from my ex. I would have to piece things together and then come to him with that scenario for him to admit anything. I kept snooping, he kept lying, and neither of us were any better for it. It was a hellish time in my life.
As far as living in the same house, like roomies, WOW, that is a lot to process. I don't think it's always possible to be always kind and loving when dealing with an A - but you're right, this is a good place to vent. I will say that the friends with benefits situation is an awful place to be. My gosh, ya'll aren't casually dating, you're married! Of course you're going to be upset when he goes out and sleeps with someone else - just like he was, with you.
I can identify with your H's feelings about his own revenge affair. With my ex, I was a scorekeeper. I figured that whatever he had done, I could do, too. I had a free pass! Well, at the end of the day, I didn't want to face myself - afterall, I wasn't a cheater, he was... So, I never acted upon those impulses. Years later, I decided that it was because I was STILL keeping score: if I never had an A, I always had "one up" on him. That was twisted thinking at best!
I really do think your H would benefit from reading and posting here. What he's going through is not that different than what a lot of us went through. In the meantime, remember to take care of yourself, try to eat and sleep.
Monica
My yesterdays are all boxed up - and neatly put away.
An affair is a bad way to meet your spouse's emotional needs.
I think you have a right to tell him that he has to stop screwing around if he still wants to be married to you. After all, you did.
Revenge affairs, according to some folks who've posted here over the years, don't help and they often make things much, much worse. Mostly because they are like your husband's: premeditated, deliberate and in-your-face. It's the grownup version of a temper tantrum.
No matter what he says to you, that part of this mess is not your fault, not at all. His behavior and his responses to you are always his choice and he's making angry bad choices right now.
Do you think a separation would make any difference to him?
