Looking for opinions.......
Is there a difference between cheating and an affair?
My neighbor seems to think cheating is just sex that is available with no emotional attachment. An affair includes emotional ties and caring.
I think either way is cheating.........am I missing their point?

Any thoughts?
Linda

Maybe it's just me but it seems the word "cheating" in our society is viewed as something seedier than the word affair. Plus, Hollywood sometimes makes affairs seem romantic. But I've never heard the word cheater used in a romantic way. That could be why some think cheating only implies sex and an affair has emotional (which some view as romantic) ties as well?


At any rate, my answer would be it's the same thing. If you're cheating on someone then you're having an affair and if you're having an affair you're cheating.

GT

Hi Linda,

I think the two are synonyms (cheating and affairs) however, perhaps your neighbor was trying to make a distinction between types of affairs and instead got confused with the terminology.

For example, some of the reading I have done indicates several "themes" and/or "motivations" behind affairs, such as

1) an exit affair: this happens by a spouse who wants out and is too passive or lacks courage to openly discuss with their mate the problems of the relationship. Therefore, they have an affair (sexual) to legitimize their departure.

2) sex addiction: individuals with this addiction tend to have numerous brief affairs (such as one-night stands). It can also apply for individuals addicted to pornography (internet or otherwise). For them, "it was just sex" is more likely to "fit" HOWEVER, this does NOT minimize the damage and destruction of their behavior.

3) Emotional affairs: tend to be long term and may or may not include sex. My WS's behavior falls into this category-(with sex) as do the majority of affairs. These WS's may "love" the OP (see the previous discussion of Affair Love vs. Real Love for more on this topic).

I am sure I am missing some other categories (I don't have my books with me). These distinctions are not meant to minimize or encourage comparisons. Rather they are meant to provide a framework for the BS to try to wrap their brain around something that is, often, not understandable on many levels. A person who betrays their spouse/partner has done tremendous damage, regardless of the "category" they fit into.

I hope this was helpful.

Marie

What GT said.

I'm curious, is your neighbor male or female?

Cheating and an affair to me are the same word. Society may have a romanticized view that an affair is something more than just sex, but I think the media could be where that idea comes from. Anybody who has been through an affair knows it is cheating period!

I'm also curious what brought on this conversation......and if your neighbour is male or female? It could be that your neighbour is trying to justify some actions (either in the past or the present) or is just uninformed. Do they know about your spouse's affair?

My neighbor is a male. The conversation came about because our neighbor is divorcing due to infidelity.
I said cheating is cheating ---an affair is cheating--- my neighbor seems to think as long as there is no "emotional" tie "just sex" it is not as serious. He says there has to be a feeling of caring for it to be an affair.
I do not believe he knows my situation and I had not considered maybe he is trying to jusify some of his own actions.
I thought maybe I was missing something or my emotions are to raw and new to see 2 sides clearly of something I think is the same.

Linda

Sounds like your neighbour is going through a tough time. Maybe in his own mind he is trying to divide the two out in a state of denial - thinking its okay since there wasn't caring. (ie my wife just had sex with some guy, she doesn't love him)

But how many times have we heard the "i love you, but i'm not in love with you" after an affair. Love priorities tend to get screwy during that time.

I would have bet money and would have won that he was indeed a male. To me, your original question seemed to be wrapped around a male perspective in general. A lot of men betrayers defend themselves to their wives stating that "it" didn't mean anything, "it" was just sex. These same guys seem to be incapable of understanding the general female perspective about emotions involved for women before having sex with a guy. Women look at if from their perspective and men from their's. Neither is right or wrong, just curiously different. My wife insisted that "the sex didn't mean anything, it was the way OM made her feel." See the difference?

You know Linda, it is funny that someone can worry about whether or not it was just sex or sex with emotions when the big picture, in my opinion, should be the lack of respect for the fact that they could kill their spouse by getting and giving a disease like AIDS. To me, that would be far worse than sex with emotions if they had unprotected sex and gave me a disease.

Charlie

Excellant point, Chuck.