I internalize everything. I never let my feelings or emotions show. I had to be the strong one, mainly in my line of work I had to be an anchor in other people's crisis situations. So now that I have a crisis.......I have no where to turn and the inability to cope with it, in a way someone else would consider normal.
Men and Women are wired differently, most of the reading I have done and most of my life experiences back that up. Now don't get me wrong, what I am going to say is a general statement and doesn't apply to everyone. Men process information internally and women externally.
Depending on how a man was raised, he may have been taught at a young age, boys don't cry. So, starting at a young age many of us guys learned to hold in the emotions. That I believe is changing in younger generations.
I think that there are plenty of examples in everyone's experiences that you can look at yourself, or at a man in your life and see the answer to the question. I think that in many cases a man will hold in emotions, and when they do come out, they explode out. That explosion many times will take the form of anger.
I don't know if I answered your question, but my opinion and a buck fifty might get you a cup of coffee.
Marie, I'm not sure. I think people of both sexes hide from their own "real" feelings.
I think burying (not showing) feelings manifests itself differently in women than in men. I've known only a few women really well, but it seems to me that some of them show (expose) their hidden feelings in general or misplaced anxieties and worries. As Dave pointed out, I think buried feelings tend to surface as anger in men.
Chris.
This message has been edited by chris924 on Jun 11, 2007 8:49 PM
Men normally are taught at an early age to hold emotions, be strong, don't cry, crying is for girls, etc. I was taught that way and mine teachings were partly native American cultural too. Men don't show emotions, blah blah blah. I think this is why many men won't go see a doctor until it is too late.
It took me just a few years counseling youth in the Pennsylvania juvenile justice system to realize what the value of hugs was and telling a family member that you love them. It was very difficult for someone in my family to share how you felt about someone. I taught my parents at the age of 40 years old to say "I love you" as we departed or saying goodbye on the phone. For many years we were not able to share how we felt without falling apart and feeling extremely vulnerable, completely exposed. Again, this is normally a man thang but it can be a cultural thang as well.
You can take my opinion and $1.05 and get a cup of coffee with it. We obviously sell our coffee at a much more reasonable price than Dave's part of the country.
"this is normally a man thang but it can be a cultural thang as well."
While this could possibly be a normal feature in many men, it certainly isn't in all men. I am dating a man now who has shown and told me of his emotions better than even I can and I thought I was decent at it - I guess there is room for improvement. I don't think you can tell someone enough how much you care for and value them. I know that I feel more fulfilled with this guy than I ever have and I'm certain this is from his ability to show his feelings - it makes me realize how important I am to him. The guy I dated before him while a wonderful person, was the exact opposite with his emotions, which is why I changed a bit while dating him by not telling my own emotions as much as I wanted to - it seemed like it hurt him to say "I love you" after dating for two years.
I wonder what the difference is between the two? I know that when the one with little emotion went to his parents house they never said I love you or hugged or kissed but did show they cared by getting together often. My BF now hugs, kisses and tells his family he loves them often and also visits every week and he's the same way with me. It can't get better than that
My 2 cents and you can't even get coffee with that!
Charlie
This message has been edited by charlie288 on Jun 11, 2007 8:45 PM This message has been edited by charlie288 on Jun 11, 2007 8:42 PM
Looks like you got a lot of good responses and I'll throw in my two cents. As you might remember our D Days are only a few days apart. My H and I have done a lot of talking but maybe I should just say that I have done a lot of talking.
I believe guys have a fair amount of emotion but for one reason or another hold it in (yes, this is a mass generalization). When the heat is on and we really need them to "talk", they are unable to do so effectively.
I think there's a lot going on in their heads but because they've not spent a lot of time externalizing their feelings, they are just not capable of articulating and organizing what they're feeling. Their emotional verbal comm. muscle atrophies.
Plus, they're under a huge amount of pressure right now to say the right thing. (performance anxiety?)
In my H's case, I think he's scared sh*!less to talk to me because I'm just one big verbal vomit spewing venom and sarcasm. Is that good? No. Am I attempting to hold my tongue? As much as I am able.
Hope this helps and hope you are having some good days and moments of peace.
Marie, feelings change. If he formed an attachment, he will have to detach and that isn't an instant process. Even if he's honoring a "no contact" rule he may have lingering wishes or fantasies based on his attachment.
If he's doing (not necessarily saying) the right things: no contact, full accountability for his time, and attention to your needs, then it will still take him some time to emotionally come back to you.
Some folks talk about "TIME" around here as if the passage of time itself will change things. It won't. If he doesn't DO the right things, all the time in the world won't help you feel better about your relationship. But if he does do all the right things, even then it will take you both time to learn how to relate again (or maybe for the first time).
A few months out is early, perhaps too early for his feelings to fade entirely. Maybe he is trying hard to be honest and open with you in disclosing those feelings, even though he knows they will hurt you. In that sense, he's caught between the proverbial rock and hard place: withhold information, or come clean and hurt you. His coming clean about his feelings is probably better for your relationship in the long run.
And didn't you start this thread asserting that men hide their feelings more than women? In my (bad marriage) experience, my ex-wife simply didn't want to hear my feelings so I learned to keep 'em to myself finally. If you make it hard for him to expose difficult feelings, he won't do it. And that's death for a marriage.
I'm not telling you to end your marriage, I would never do that. I sincerely hope it works out and that you are happy. I just want to tell you that sometimes it turns out that we are far better off and do pretty darned well on our own without someone who can't give us what we need in a relationship. That said, give yourself some time and him time to come out of it. He may or he may not. It often takes many months for real remorse to show even it they are remorseful.
I'm going to break my cardinal rule and give direct and unsolicited advice because your last post hit a really hot button.
Get rid of those thoughts of what he "should" be feeling, and for heaven's sake don't ever say them to him!!!
In my opinion, the word "should" doomed my marriage. My then-wife and I came at each other with opinions of how the other "should" think and feel...which were based in what we each thought and felt and which were completely inappropriate for the other.
Acceptance of another, especially a life partner or spouse, necessitates keeping those thoughts of what a partner "should" do to oneself. We cannot tell others what to do if we are not asked. We can ask them to do things, and they can choose whether or not to do them. And we can choose whether or not to accept their decision. And so on.
It's that pesky "free will" stuff again. Everyone who is an adult gets to make his/her own choices.
This is not to say that a BS can't lay out expectations. We can. But trying to tell a spouse how s/he "should" think or feel is off-base. What's between their ears belongs entirely to them.
Upon further reflection, this thread falls into the "psychoanalyzing your spouse" category. Rather than focusing on your opinion of what your H "should" be doing, I would have been better to focus on overanalyzing a spouse's mental state. How my then-wife and I got to the place of telling each other what "should" happen, was by psychoanalyzing and applying labels instead of listening.
Either way, it follows from my conviction that what's between a partner's ears belongs to him/her alone.
Unconditional love and acceptance of another while maintaining appropriate boundaries and reactions is the hardest relationship skill to learn. At least it was for me.
"Unconditional love and acceptance of another while maintaining appropriate boundaries and reactions is the hardest relationship skill to learn. At least it was for me."
To follow the "gross generalization" I believe Chris you got it pegged ... in learning to apply the above the deadly game of "one up/one down" is totally erased from the equation among other relationship killers.
You appear to be in a good place at this time, Chris. Lovely to see it happen after so many months/years of turmoil.
I got it figured out, Chris is getting command of his own carrier....sure hope you show him how to "park" one of them big suckers...would much rather dock a tugboat....
LMAO!!!
Dave
P.S. You know I will always be your XO in heart and mind.
