Moderator's note: The following response was moved from the Discovery Board to the Open Board per forum policies. The Discovery Board is for the discussion of a partner's affair only.

The Open Board is designed for betrayed and formerly wayward partners to discuss and recover from the impact of an affair.


chgd4good
(Login chgd4good)
Give A Chance
June 15 2007, 9:10 AM

I was the cheater... and all I can say is if your H is truly showing remorse and doing everything possible to fix the problems, especially within himself, then you need to look at the fact that, although may never totally trust him again, if your love for him is strong enough and the two of you can work on the relationship together, it is worth the pain.

I caused my H so much pain. And the pain I have caused him has caused even more pain in myself. I go through beating myself up daily, hourly, minute by minute, over how I could have done this to somebody who I love, cherish, appreciate and respect so dearly. Yes, we've always had rough times and there has been anger and fights, but nothing that should have caused my betrayal of this individual. I am so very much in love with him, and am so remorseful... I beg daily for him to give me the chance again. I believe that over time, the pain for both of us will lessen and the good feelings (which we do have on occasion) will heighten.

Hang in there. If he truly deserves the chance, and you are truly seeing changes in his actions, look deeply in his eyes and see the love is there. Where there's love, there's hope. Where there's hope, there's dreams. Be cautious, but give a little trust where you can... and if for some reason you're burned again, don't even give it another thought. He certainly wasn't worth it.

Not that any of this has helped... but clearly, if this person is doing everything in his power to show you the love and care he has for you, then maybe he has turned his life around and is recovering from whatever coerced him into this horrible situation.

chgd4good

Thank you for your response to Sandra. It sounds like you have some valuable insight to share. Please come back if/when you feel like it and share more of your story with us. Many have found the Open Board to be a big help when recovering from an affair.

As the formerly wayward spouse I can personally say our healing was due largely to the people on these boards. People from both sides of an affair who were willing to share their experiences.

Welcome to our site. I'm sorry you had to find us. But hope you will come back and talk to us.

GT

Excellant post, C4G. I too hope you come back and share more with us. There are many who could use your insight. You'd be surprised at how much good you can do.

Within a few weeks of our discovery, I really needed to hear from former wayward spouse's opinions on what my remorseful wife was then saying. It was so very difficult to believe her in the first few months unless I got what she said sorta translated or explained by other former wayward spouses.

Thanks for sharing and welcome.

Wish you well,

H2C

Very heart felt! So sincere.

You know, there was a time your BS WAS looking deeply into your eyes and it is because of that time that trust is such a difficult hurdle to overcome. He/She could do it once, they could do it again. Hell, why did they think they could even do it once? What does that say about me that they even entertained this idea of an affair? It's a whirlwind of lies and deceit and then ANY BS will somehow know that the words they hear now, right now at this very moment, as sincere and honest?

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to diminish what you are saying. It seems, at least from the 2 paragraphs you've written that you are sincere. What would be the reason that your BS should see you are "real", honest or sincere?

Like so very many of us, this will boil down to time and consistency for you to attain what it is that you seek, that which you willingly chose to tear apart.

So, yeah it does boil down to one question; Who am I living with?

I guess it's up to all WS's to prove they are worth the fight, worth the strife, worth all they have willingly torn apart. Is there any wonder such a minority actually survive? Then, what of those who actually flourish?

There is sanity for every BS that walks away. There is also tremendous reward for every BS that makes it work. Neither can be desparaged. It is a hurt that never goes away and it is a trust incredibly difficult to regain.

To all of you - THANK YOU- and to WS. It is tremendously helpful to hear from your side/experience. It's all so hard to wrap my brain around. I have read and will re-read responses and absorb as I can.

I have never experienced such a sense of hopelessness. I'm horribly sad and getting through the day is a challenge.

Thanks to all for words of kindness and wisdom.

Sandra, I'm the biggest advocate there is for "feeling your feelings". But don't be afraid to ask your doctor for pharmaceutical help if your feelings turn into generalized anxiety, an inability to sleep well, or persistent depression.

Please keep talking to us. We all do know what it feels like, and sometimes talking while knowing that the listener understands is the best medicine.

Chris.