---Can there be too much communication? Why? Too little? Guarded and fear-based, or loose and careless?---
All human communication takes place in the context of a relationship between the people involved. Some relationships are almost completely transient (person standing in line with you whom you have never seen before) and some are almost completely entwined (minor child and parent; spouses).
I think I could argue convincingly that the stranger next to me in the bank lobby can definitely try too hard or communicate too much information, especially if he or she is talking loudly to someone more intimate who is present or at the other end of a cellphone call. That situation is both “too much communication” and “loose and careless”. However, this situation is really not a whole lot worse than a transient annoyance. It is unlikely that an instance will turn into an incident that will cause pain or suffering...unless I repeat something sensitive that I overhear about someone.
In my work, I talk to reporters and have built working relationships with several of them. I tend to be guarded and very clear about what information is “on the record” for attribution and quotation, and what is “on background” to help the reporter ferret out the story s/he is seeking. And sometimes I communicate strategically (pitch or sell a story) to get a particular message out through the reporter’s medium. The cynic would label this “spin” or “gaming” the reporter, to the extent that the reporter does not know or discern and disclose all my possible motives for commenting. This whole area is food for the academic study of journalism and mass communication. But I don’t imagine that’s the real thrust of RW’s question.
The really tough calls are further up the intimacy chain. How open can or should one be with a boss, a coworker, a subordinate, or a professional contact or colleague? This is a situation almost everyone faces in life, and it is undoubtedly where we can make the biggest mistakes. (As proof I would offer the statistics on affairs in the workplace.) The greatest risk is of too much unguarded communication, as there are people who will use information to manipulate, humiliate, or otherwise control others in a professional or social setting.
Issues with friends often involve breaking confidences, or imagined confidences. Telling one’s secrets can be a scary thing, and knowing that one’s secrets are safe can be a really good thing. I think we would all like to imagine that our confidences shared in friendship are like therapist-patient conversations: strictly held private. In practice, I think we all kind of “grade” our friends according to what comes back to us that we’ve said in assumed confidence, and guard our communication accordingly.
In parent-child relationships, I think there is also such a thing as TMI. While I might want to know in a general way about relationship and health issues of my parents and adult children, I really don’t want to know certain details.
And now, we come to intimate partners. I really think the key is matching styles: open, high self-disclosure types should be with others like them, and the same is true of closed, low self-disclosure types. For example, a person for whom a discussion of underwear or swimsuit styles with a partner is excruciatingly personal, intimate, and self-disclosing should probably not pair up with someone who likes to share and hear deep feelings about emotional intimacy. People who like to discuss feelings should be together, and so should those who don’t.
With that said, I do think that intimate partners do have to be on guard against volunteering “brutal honesty”. While we all want to have at least one person in life with whom we can share unguarded thoughts, I think there is still an obligation to hold back unasked-for negative opinions of a partner. This is why jokes about a woman asking her partner “do these pants make me look fat” has such deep meaning for many men (and makes us freeze up). Even when asked for the plain truth, it’s better not to give a plain-truth or poorly-considered answer. Some men know or eventually learn it’s not a “yes-or-no” question but a need for emotional reassurance.
So in short, I think it is necessary to always be guarded and careful about what one says to a friend or intimate. Not out of fear, but out of consideration for their feelings.
---Also, like the phrase 'all cowboy hat with no cattle' there can be lots-o-talk with no particular communication.---
Clearly true. Stories can just be bulls#!+ stories, or they can express some deeper thought or feeling.
---In general is it better for your mental health to express emotions or not?---
Screaming in your car or kicking the stuffing out of a heavy punching bag are all ways of “expressing emotions” and they are probably all healthy. “Expressing” those same emotions to another person in the same way might be permanently damaging.
---Sometimes should emotions be felt and not heard? Or should they be heard so they aren't felt as much?---
Making negative emotions heard, in my experience, didn’t really ever help much of anything. What helped me was just feeling them for a while and realizing that I was not going to die from feeling badly for an hour, a day, or a week.
---What does 'good' communication get you long-term? What does 'bad communication get you long-term?---
“Good” communication, in my opinion, gets a person good relationships, while “bad” communication breeds bad relationships. But the definition is circular, because I also think that “good” communication is defined as communication that breeds a “good” relationship, and vice-versa.
---Are the inherent risks of honest communication worth taking? Or is it safer to keep honest communication to a minimum in order to reduce risks?---
I think “honest” communication is a worthy goal, but that its meaning changes with context. For example, unless I become a credentialed medical professional, I won’t ever say to someone “you are obese” when I know it’s true. That’s “brutal honesty”. (If I were a medical professional, I would feel COMPELLED to tell a patient that and try to work on acceptable solutions.)
Honest communication in an intimate relationship means (to me) a willingness to tell how I feel (and likewise to listen to expressed feelings). It does not mean going into excruciating detail for my partner about any of her traits or habits that I don’t like and why it bugs me. To me, dealing with that stuff is part of grownup life and whining about it is so...junior high.
Chris.
This message has been edited by chris924 on May 31, 2008 10:47 PM
I have to agree with what Chris says about everything.
"Can there be too much communication? Why? Too little?"
I think so. When I was younger, I would spout off anything I felt like saying and over the years realized that I put my foot in my mouth far too many times because I wasn't thinking before I was yapping.
"In general is it better for your mental health to express emotions or not?"
I believe it is. I have always been very verbal about my emotions and think that this, along with exercise, have helped me keep a good level of sanity when things aren't going so well.
"Sometimes should emotions be felt and not heard? Or should they be heard so they aren't felt as much?"I
I believe mostly heard but sometimes, if it will only hurt someone else, then maybe it isn't good.
"What does 'good' communication get you long-term? What does 'bad communication get you long-term?"
I think this website is a really good indicator of that, don't you?
"Are the inherent risks of honest communication worth taking? Or is it safer to keep honest communication to a minimum in order to reduce risks?"
Absolutely on the first question. It's funny, I'm in a relationship now where I will be honest about my feelings even if it could end our relationship. I'm a lot less worried about ending a good relationship because I don't want to end up back where I was with my last marriage - I've learned a LOT! My ex and I never discussed any of the important stuff because quite frankly, I didn't know what the important stuff was before.
Charlie
This message has been edited by charlie288 on Jun 1, 2008 9:49 AM This message has been edited by charlie288 on Jun 1, 2008 9:45 AM
"What if a guy is known to have a good fashion sense and the woman really wants to know "if these pants make my ass look big"?"
Well, if any woman actually asked that question, then I like Chris's answer but,...and you knew there'd be a but, didn't you? I sometimes ask which so and so looks better and I'd really like to get an honest darned answer. For me, if you express your opinion about something when I ask, it means you care and I would not take it in a bad way. I suppose some women could take it the wrong way.
What if a guy really has an appreciation for a "big ass" and from his perspective the pants are just fine and he answeres so but in reality most people would find that "the pants make her ass look big". I think some women really want an honest answer to that question too, Chuck. Even though it looks like a loaded question to some guys, and probably is, its not always. Me, I just like talking about women's big asses. Where's Q when you need him the most?
I can't speak for Q, but it sounds like good communication between men and women requires tactful honesty by the man and in addition to that; the woman must stay on a rigid diet/workout program to ensure that her carefully tailored pants always look good. Then when she asks 'the' question, the man can answer honestly that all is well in those pants. This in turn will ensure smooth, open, honest communication dynamics.
Otherwise, there is a likelihood of troubled communication dynamics.
Can we all agree that it's good for a guy to appreciate ass - any kind of ass - big, little, and in between. To cut to the chase, I think that is the really important issue here.
What's the expression? Baby got back?
Also, there's no communication between men and wimens that can't be improved by a little fear.
Also, I'm the kind of guy that's very open with my partner's emotions. Ask me anything about my partner's emotions and I'll give you an open and honest answer. It's my own emotions that are a big ball of confusion.
I went to the opening night of Sex and the City with some friends and then out for cosmos.
The movie is really good, but I have to warn you...........there is a part that was like somebody stabbed a knife in my back. It is affair related and very emotionally charged. The thing is, it was like going back in time they did it so well.
I'm not sure I could have sat and finished the movie a few years ago. It caught me by surprise but after wiping a few tears and taking a calming breath I was okay.
Did I mention it was a great movie!!! I saw them interviewing the "naked guy" from the movie yesterday and I have to say he doesn't look nearly as good with clothes on lmao!!!!
What if the woman asks "do these pants make my ass look big?" and the guy takes the easy way out, tells her what "he thinks" she wants to hear, which has absolutely nothing to do with the truth, and he answers that her ass looks just fine in those pants when in reality she wanted an honest answer and when she got out in public, people cruely started making comments about how big her ass looks in those pants. Can that guy be forgiven?
I'm thinking communications, especially between a man and a woman, isn't based on quantity but quality. It has to be clear and concise with a dash of tackfulness assuming everyone is being honest with their feelings. BUT, being honest with ones feelings opens a whole new can of worms, perhaps involving values, one's self esteem, gumption, abilities to communicate, back ground, personality etc.
"people cruely started making comments about how big her ass looks in those pants. Can that guy be forgiven? "
That ain't the guys problem it is the rude and insensitive people who would voice such a thing. If you have nothing nice to say don't say it.....that's how I was brought up.
People come in all different shapes, colours, sizes and they can be beautiful on the outside and very ugly inside. Learning to accept people for who they are, and not what they look like would make this world a much nicer place.
Kid
edited to add: if you truly love somebody it shouldn't matter what their butt looks like in pants.....because you should love it regardless.
This message has been edited by Canuck_Kid on Jun 7, 2008 2:21 PM
