Morning………

It’s been a while since I have written because everything was going fine for us.

We just got back from a two-week vacation that was a surprise for me. I knew nothing of it. He took care of ALL the arrangements and finances. My part of the vacation was to enjoy and relax. The vacation was amazing, wonderful, relaxing and I felt we connected on a new level. I thought the affair was completely behind us and that we were definably moving forward.

We were making love a few nights ago and in the middle of it I found myself wondering if “this is what it was like when he was with her?” Needless to say it wrecked the mood. I tried to let it go but from then on I was so angry with him. I was angry with him for absolutely everything he did. I have found myself wanting to know HOW one was has an affair. I want to know HOW do you go from having a drink, to let’s have sex? I want to know how do you cross that line? I was out with the girls in the bar this past weekend and I kept wondering as I watched people, what seemed like innocent flirting………….is this how it happens? Do you just walk out the door and go to a hotel?

I have had so many feelings since this happened. I tried to explain to him that he has taken much from our lives since the affair. He took my trust…he had 30 years of it and in less than 2 years he has only earned a part back. He took our friendship and changed it forever. I felt before like I could tell him anything and we talked about everything. How do I talk to him about Tom and Mary having an affair and how wrong I feel it is if that is what he did to us? He took a part of me…………I find myself sometimes comparing me to her………….was she prettier, smarter, better shape? What was it that drew him to her?

I value everyone’s opinions and experience’s here. You all have helped me get though a horrible time in my life. It is amazing how talking helps.

Thanks for listening,
Linda

Linda,

I saw your post a couple of days ago and I've been trying to think of something useful to say. I'm afraid I've come up empty. I just want to say I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. I remember the kind of anger you talked about. I remember times when my husband seemed to really be trying but I was too angry to stay focused on the present. That's probably the hardest part about recovery - staying in the moment when you're with your partner. It often feels like there are three people in the room (and bed) and you feel so resentful that this other person has invaded your life and destroyed your trust. And once those thoughts and feelings start to take hold, it's hard to arrest them. I have no suggestions or advice on how to stop that from happening other than try to stay "in the moment" with your husband; that's much easier said than done, unfortunately.

I don't think there is any one answer to the question "how do affairs happen?". I'm sure some are as "simple" as two people meeting in a bar, having a drink, and going back to the hotel. It's hard for me to understand how anyone could feel the kind of connection in those circumstances that would allow them to end up in bed together but, for some people, an emotional connection is not a prerequisite for sex - a willing and available partner is all that is necessary.

As to what the other woman was like. . . we've all tortured ourselves with those thoughts and it's a normal reaction. But the truth is, it doesn't matter. It wasn't about what she looked like, it was about what she was willing to do. Many WS say that the affair partner wasn't as attractive as their spouse and the sex wasn't as good. I think extra-marital affairs are much less about the sex, and much more about a need to prove something - attractiveness, sexual prowess, etc, - or an immature curiosity about what it would be like to be with someone else. The point is, very few affairs happen because the WS fell in love with someone else and found him/her more suitable or attractive than the spouse. Try to keep that in mind when your thoughts wander to what the OW might have been like.

You've been with your husband for a very long time and I'm sure you feel that you can never fully trust him again - and maybe you won't. But if he's truly remorseful and doing all he can to show you that he loves you and wants a life with you, then focus as much as possible on that. If he's acting in a trustworthy way, if he's transparent about his actions, if he's where he says he's going to be, if he's open in his communication with you, then you have a lot to work with. You're never going to forget what happened, and you may not forgive it either, but you can still move toward healing. If you love your husband and he loves you, then hold onto that. Focus on the present and think about what you want for the future. The rest will get easier in time.

I hope things are better for you today.

DG

Hi Linda, I used to go thru the same things at one, two and three years. For me it was like when things were going good is when it hit me out of the blue. I think it has to do with your thinking that "this" is what it should have been like any way or all along. "This" meaning this good moment. And then I'd go on to think that my wife put a dark cloud over all of our remaining good moments because as I'd struggled to finally have a good moment, it would hit me out of the blue. Does that sound familiar?

We had been married 31 years when my wife had an affair. We are still together but our recovery at 6 1/2 years isn't what I thought it would be. I think it is the on going resentment that we feel for our spouses cheating on us that makes the good times bring on the bad. For me, it seems that resentment must surface when we are emotionally involved (in a moment) with our spouse. The resentment doesn't care whether it is a good moment or a bad moment, it's coming out or at least entering your thoughts. Naturally we expect the resentment to surface when we are in bad moments but we are somewhat shocked that resentment comes out during good moments or seemingly out of the blue. It just doesn't make sense.

We married them (my perspective) to feel safe and always have someone that we could count on during life's bad times and especially have someone to have good times with. But you never expect your spouse to become part of your bad times. So not only do you feel betrayed, you feel alone because as you say there are topics now that you must avoid talking to your previous best friend about. Now there is no one that you feel safe to share anything and everything with. That in itself is a huge loss to a human being.

I don't really know what to say here other than, as DG said, try to stay in the moment, the good moments. Eventually you will probably grow tired of resenting. When I reached a point where I expected the out of the blue crap as normal then most of my resentment (at least surface wise) subsided. I had changed as a person though.

Hi Linda,

First, I am glad you have not written much lately because things had been going so much better. That IS good news and it shows you that it can get better still, given more time.

I think I was at pretty much the same point at about 2 years that you are at now. It was so much better but...the anger still surfaced on occasion and then stayed with me awhile. (In bed was a biggie) With that came many other unwanted thoughts and feelings. Somewhere, somehow, around 2 1/2 years things really changed. The triggers were less (or my response to them), I found myself no longer associating everything we did with what he did with them. I still had unwelcome thoughts but didn’t feel the need to voice them anymore, or maybe I was just too tired of announcing that the roller coaster was taking a dip. The elephant was no longer in the room with us. It was still in the house mind you, just not constantly in the same room.

Because things seemed to have improved so much, it became harder for my husband to understand when something did set me off. One night, around the 3-year mark, I became upset about something (I don't even remember what it was anymore) and my husband got peeved about it. (He had been so patient and understanding but this time he got angry and questioned my running "hot & cold".) I thought for a minute and then told him that he wasn’t going to like what I was about to say. I proceeded to tell him that I didn’t know if this would make any sense to him but that I loved him BUT I also hated him for what he had done. (Notice I did not say I hated WHAT he had done, although obviously I did, but that I hated HIM for what he had done.) I kept repeating, "I hate you" as I broke down into tears." The dam had broken. Well, I did not get the reaction from him that I expected. Instead, he instantly softened, took me in his arms and held me while I cried, and told me that that explained a lot.

That was about 2 months ago. That episode I described above seemed to have been a real turning point. After getting that out, it is almost like there is nothing left to say about it. I still have the random thoughts about him and the other two women. I don't know if this is "normal" or not at this point but I still think of it every day. The difference now is that the thoughts seem to go away almost as quickly as they come. It happened, it was awful, but it is in the past. I don't seem to have the need to hang on to them anymore or to get angry about it anymore. I'd like to think that it means I am beginning to come to peace with it.

Hang in there, Linda. It WILL get better. Just like I could never have believed that my husband could have an affair, I could also never have believed how truly long and difficult the recovery process would be.

I have to echo what H2C said. I also am no longer the person I used to be. The pride I once had in myself is not what it once was. Sometimes, in those quiet, lonely moments we all have, I feel that I have not been "true" to myself for staying with a man who could have done this to me. Even one I have loved for some 33 years. One I still love, today.

I wish you peace.
Angela

Angela, I still think about it every day in some capacity too, even at 6 1/2 years. I wonder if there will ever be a time that I can go a few days or weeks without thinking about the affair. But there is so much infidelity around us that there seems to be a reminder around every corner.

I think this might be where divorce followed by building my own life again makes a huge difference.

Or it could be the 9.5 years since D-day.

Or, more likely, the combination. I haven't lived with my FWS for almost five years, and I'm in a new relationship.

Chris.