hello, I am new to this board, this is my first post. (I was not sure which forum to begin posting in, but this one looks like it has the most traffic.) I am the BS of a man who had a 13 year affair with his former girlfriend. It was an emotional affair a lot of the time since she lived out of town, but they managed to "get together" several times over the years. Then, she moved back here (Atlanta) and the A intensified, of course. I found out about it 11 months ago, but have only recently been looking on the internet for information, resources, support, etc. At times I am calm and matter-of-fact about it, but at other times I am absolutely livid. So, I am looking for support from others who have "been there".

I'm sorry you have had to search for this kind of support. I can't imagine the shock of learning that your husband carried on an affair for 13 years. I'm sure you're questioning everything you thought you knew about him and your marriage and wondering what you want for your future. You described yourself as feeling, at times, "calm and matter-of-fact" about this. I don't remember ever feeling that way but I do remember being in a state of shock for a long time. And when I came out of that state, I was really angry. Then I fluctuated between angry, afraid, desperate, depressed, accepting, angry again, hopeless, hopeful, looking forward, looking back, blaming myself, blaming him, blaming her, etc., for a very long time (we're talking years). That's the roller coaster ride of recovery. I wonder if your husband interprets your matter-of-fact attitude to mean you're "over it"? The fact that you're looking for support on the internet is a pretty good indication that you aren't over it, and it would be pretty miraculous if you were after only 11 months. I suspect you may just be starting to process it.

If you haven't already done so, I would encourage you to institute a no contact rule. This means he cannot see, talk to, email, or otherwise communicate with the other woman under any circumstances. There is no way for him to break the emotional connection if he continues a relationship of any kind with her. And you need to be able to verify that he isn't contacting her. Ask for his passwords, check his phone bills, do whatever you need to do to reassure yourself that he's being honest with you. It may feel really awful at first, and he may accuse you of not trusting him, but. . . well, yeah. He destroyed the trust between you and he has to earn it back. Part of his responsibility now, in the wake of his destructive behavior, is to do whatever you need him to do to help you feel secure. His actions need to be transparent and, if he doesn't understand that, you might suggest some counseling. In fact, it might be helpful for both of you. This isn't going to be easy, and I'm sure you know that. I hope you can find the support you need to help you through this.

DG

oh, there definitely is a no contact rule (although he broke it twice 2 months after D-day). He now knows that if he EVER contacts her again, it is definitely over between us. Roller-coaster is a great way to express the large range of emotions that we feel. My main feelings were betrayal, shock, humiliation, and anger. Lots and lots of anger. We went to MC and then to IC. Now we are just kind of plodding along. I am interested in hearing from other women--how they "handled" the whole recovery process. I am still in the middle of that process, of course.

A gentle reminder: there are some men here who have been betrayed, and we may have some insights into recovery for you, too. There are aspects of betrayers and betrayal that are not gender-specific...

...especially the shock, dismay, betrayal, and anger at discovering that the "no contact" rule has been broken. For me, that was worse than D-Day. (I think my ex-wife heard "no sex" when I said "no contact".)

How long have you been married? Has this been going on the whole time?

When you're ready to tell more of your story, I think you will find a lot more specific help.

Welcome, and I'm sorry you had to join the club none of us ever wanted to join. You'll hear from different kinds of folks, those who've stayed married, those who've divorced, those with more recent or more distant scars.

Chris.

ps. You can find the stories of many of the posters here on the "Members" board.

thanks, Chris, for the reminder that being betrayed is not gender specific! Any words of wisdom are welcome. We have been married 19 years, and his emotional affair began 4 years into our marriage, became a physical affair a year later. Long distance affair until 2006 when she moved back here, then of course a "full-blown" affair. Found out about it a year after that. End of this month will be the 1 year anniversary of D-day.

Hi Betrayed

Just to add a little something to what Chris said. When I found this board a long time ago, seeing men on here really helped me stop being so angry at the other gender. At first, I would walk through a mall, grocery store or gym and look at every man and judge whether or not I thought that person would cheat ot not. My answer was mostly yes, but I wasn't looking at the woman and making judgements. It was a strange place to be, I was very angry. I remember running on the treadmill real fast and pretending it was my husbands and his girlfriends heads under my feet. By the way, exercise is a great stress relief when dealing with an affair. Eating right and trying to get sleep helps too. I had to take Tylenol PM at first to get any sleep but it really helped. I'm not angry anymore, that was long ago and I think I got over that real quick when I got to this site and realized that men too were going through this. As a matter of fact Chris was one of the people going through the prospect of divorce about the same time if not a several months before me.

Some people do get through this but the only ones I've seen do this have a spouse who is very remorseful and a spouse who makes any changes needed to repair their marriage LONG TERM. The "get over it" attitude does not heal a marriage. Accountability is very important. Is your husband giving all the info you need? I felt my ex was very remorseful and doing things to help our marriage for a year after but then found out he continued to lie and hide things. I'm not sure he even knows what honesty is or he just thinks it's unimportant.

I hope your husband does the things necessary to repair your marriage, it is very painful to go through this.

Charlie