Today I learned my wife of 20 years is having an affair. I have stage 4 cancer that is inoperable. However, my tumors while not shrinking are stable. My future is uncertain and I likely have only 1-3 years to live.

Since diagnosed a year ago, I have been through surgery and am on constant chemotherapy regime. I am mentally depressed and sleep much.

Iam 50, my wife 52. We have 3 beautiful children--17,15 and 12. I learned today my wife is having an affair. It has been going on for about 2 months. She admitted it and said she is uncertain if she wants to stay. She says she loves me but also loves him and does not know if she can end the affair. She is thinking things through.

I am not much of a husband right now but I thought my wife would be there for me. Right now I am more concerned about my children than anything else. A separation would be even more traumatic for them. I am also scared of being alone. I want to spend my time I have left with my children. I am not capable of caring for them alone.

I can forgive my wife. I am terribly hurt. But I do not want her to leave.

I have been through so much the last year that I no longer feel any anger. I am more bewildered, hurt and confused.

Comments? Ideas?

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation Dan.

I sure wouldn't want to live with the 'dis-ease' that she will live with from now on. What a horrible mess. Does the other man know much? It has been going on for just 2 months??

Of course you don't wnat to lose any time with your children. That time is so sacred.

Dan, I've started this post at least a half-dozen times.

I still don't know what to say, but need to say something.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I'm about the same age as you, and have lived through quite a bit, but serious illness is not one of my experiences. From that perspective, I may have little useful to offer, but here goes anyway.

When I learned of my wife's affair, my first reaction was shock...I went numb. Then the fear set in: we had two young sons (9 and 13) and I couldn't imagine how I'd deal with single parenting while running the family business....or even whether the family business would survive whatever would come.

Well, ultimately the family business didn't survive and neither did my marriage. By that time, my older son was headed off to college and I was left as the custodial parent of my younger son. (He just left for college a couple of weeks ago.)

My "normal" message is that we all survive the things we fear, one day at a time.

But Dan, you already know you won't survive your illness. It appears you've begun processing that "truth", only to be hit with a worse "truth": a wife who's not sure she wants to be with you, and kids you don't think you can care for.

Perhaps you could still "make lemonade" out of these lemons. Would/could your kids take on a large (perhaps some would view it as "unfair") burden for the care of you and your home if your wife left you? Unless one or more of your kids has special needs, there's nothing wrong with expecting kids the ages of yours to step up in a time of family crisis.

How do you see the situation?

Chris.

Dan

Uh Dan, what an awful position to be in. I wonder if your wife knows how selfish she's being? Sometimes when people are in an affair they just aren't thinking at all - it's more of a temporary insanity they are in and a "grass is always greener" type of thing. I don't know the state of your marriage before this all happened but I honestly can't understand someone doing this to someone with cancer. It is bad enough to go through an affair when you are perfectly healthy. Do you think that she could be under a lot of stress because of your diagnosis and acting out because of her own pain about the situation - will she even talk about that? I guess you would know more about that as you've been together a long time. I guess I'm asking that to try to understand if maybe "she" could use some counseling about the situation to try to work it out in her head. Just a thought. I could be way off.

Wishing you wellness and recuperation.

Charlie

Dan,

I am truly hurting for you. It is hard enough to deal with a spouse's affair when one is healthy, but you have more than a double burden on your shoulder. Dealing with an affair takes a tremendous toll on one's health. I am so glad you have found this site to have others here help you with your burden.

Your wife's affair affects everyone and I can certainly understand your concerns for your children. Where is your wife in her remorse? Is she taking any kind of responsibility at all? Is she still in contact with the other man?

Dan, I understand you have some major health problems which is terminal, but you will want to deal with the affair issues as IF you are going through this like anyone else. Try to focus on YOU. Keep eating healthy meals. Get your sleep. Get some exercise. Take deep breaths. Ask for help from your family to help you out.

Remember, you are not at fault for your wife's affair. She made the decision to have an affair. She made the life altering decision to go outside the marriage relationship. If she even tries to put any kind of blame on you or your illness, there is absolutely NO excuses. Don't believe it.

Take care of you. Focus on you. Come here often. Vent all you want. Let your emotions out on this board. We are here for you.

(((Dan)))

My thoughts are with you.
Lee

Thanks everyone. After a discussion, my wife apologized and promised to stay and not see the other man. Sadly, today, Sunday, 4 days after her promise, she is again seeing him. When I confronted her a few minutes ago by phone you acknowledged it, said she couldn't talk. I suppose I will find out more when she returns home today.

This is a very difficult situation. I am thinking mostly of our children. A traumatic separation and possible divorce proceedings with their Mother's infidelity coming out would be awful.

The stress on my children of my getting sicker and likely passing away over the next 1-3 years will be hard enough.

My wife's sisters--with whom she is very close, are aghast at her. They are planning an "intervention" (my sister in law's word) with her tonight.

While I do not want to accept the affair, I am also not sure that it is in our childrens' interest to pursue separation. I also fear about being alone.

This is a horrible mess.

Gees Dan. I'm glad her sisters are at hand, although generally there is little to no reasoning with the irrational and often bizarre thinking accompanying an affair. She already demonstrated that more than once.

She does not fully know nor comprehend this yet, but she is heading straight for some very ugly personal repercussions.