Another post started me thinking about a question that always seems to be lurking in people's minds:

How long does it take until you're past thinking (and feeling badly) about the affair(s) that poisoned your marriage?

Was there one thing, more than any other, that helped you to "get over it"?

Chris.

"Was there one thing, more than any other, that helped you to "get over it"?"

For me yes. The one thing that helped me get over it the most was the realization of how selfish my ex was during our entire marriage. It took me several months to completely distance myself from my marriage and actually see the things he did for what they were - very selfish. I didn't see it all clearly until I spoke to a counselor for 3 months and she told me point blank that me ex was selfish and had an addictive personality. It's funny how clueless I was during my marriage or maybe I just had my rose colored glasses on? After we split, there were a lot of people who admitted that they thought my ex was very selfish and one of my good friends thought he was a total jerk.

I guess from then on out, I thought that even though I would struggle to get through school and money would be tight, that I would be better off without that negativity in my life. That was enough for me to "get over it."

Charlie

PS Chris, you didn't way what one thing helped you? Or did it?

It took almost 10 years. What helped the most was having a job, going back to school, working out (taking care of my health), and taking good care of my son.

It can be a very long road to full recovery. It seems that a handful of people bounce back after 2 years or so. Some never get over it.

RW, you left out the part about separation and divorce. Or maybe it didn't make that much difference for you?

To answer Charlie's question, I think separation made a huge difference for me.

Chris.

I don't break it down that way in my mind any more.

After finding out, I continued living with him for 4 more years.

Divorce happened 6 years after his affair began.

He resumed his affair prior to that.

RW

I agree exercise helped me a to a huge extent too!!

Charlie

Charlie,

You and I both endure/ed college programs too.

My program is so intense that there is literally no room in my day or in my head to spend on the affair/divorce memories. I'd have to schedule it in at about 9:45-10:00pm on Tuesday.

The problem with recovery is when 'it' lives in your heart, mind and body. That just takes time. It's organic and rather slow.