My son was 8 when I found out about the affair. That was 10 years ago. He graduates from high school this spring. We're looking into colleges.

After d-day we went through 4 years of thinking that some how the marriage could be fixed. The affair resumed. Now they have a 10-year track record with a 3-4yr(??) period of derailment.

There has been so much change. The home was sold. I not only had to step outside of my comfort zone, but also had to do away with it. Made a decision to pursue another degree and try a new career. Yesterday was my last final. January begins a session of comprehensive review and then clinical training lasts 1/2 a year. No more mid-terms. No more finals. It has been very hard to say the least.

Looking back at the affair experience, there is one interesting thing that has changed over the years. My perspective on what happened and why is entirely different.

I remember the chaos and confusion. I didn't eat or sleep. The pain was unbearable. I wanted to go out into the snow and freeze to death in order to make it go away.

It was a marriage to a long-term alcoholic. Eventually this lead to giving him an ultimatum - quit or get out, and it didn't work. In fact, what he needed to do was find someone who would cooperate with his addiction. That he did. He is still dating a bottle, with her and her own personal addiction on the side.

My path, alone, has been to eliminate alcohol completely. I go out with folks who drink socially, but I dont. It's just what I needed to do after the personal experiences and observations.

The 'marriage' was not so much between us as it was between the man and the bottle. The vicious fracture/affair/divorce actually happened between an addiction and someone who abruptly stopped playing the game with it.

Their resulting union no longer causes me pain and confusion. It doesn't impact my self-esteem as it initially did. I understand, and it makes perfect sense. At one point I overheard them discuss the mutual desire for their lives to return to normal, but of course they never will. I'm sure they know that well by now. Nobody gets out unscathed. Certainly not the children and not even the grandchildren.

There is something to be said for clearer perspective. It is palpable, not vague. You can work with it. It does not tap your arteries like chaos and confusion does. It feels stronger. It took 10 years of work.

RW-

I like to wonder what life would be like if the A would never have happened. Would I still be married? Who would I be? I do appreciate the changes I have made, and who I have become.

I don't think I would have evolved as much as I have. Kinda like being in the eye of a tornado, tossed onto a cloud then floating to solid ground landing on two feet. Yeah, feels good in spite of it all.

M

Here's to time, perspective, a measure of peace, and landing on your feet somewhere else.

Surviving "the tornado" MM mentioned provided me all four.

It's no longer about what I wanted from life. It's about what I DO with life. There's a he-yoooge difference that I would never have learned otherwise. Clinging to bombed-out wreckage (marriage, business) is just a really bad idea. It drags you down.

Hope floats. Peace calms. Letting go rocks. And love soars.



Chris.

"No more mid-terms. No more finals. It has been very hard to say the least."

I am very happy for you RW, I know how hard it was. YEAH!!!!

Charlie

Thank you Charlie. Back at ya!!

Here's the program story. First they took about 80-90 applicants - so I'm told.

By hook or crook 12 of us got in....for various reasons.

Over the course of a year we lost 5.

Seven go to clinicals.

And a partrige in a pear tree.