First of all, let me state that my wife was very remorseful within a couple of weeks after d-day. I think her IC counselor was very quick to clue her in. She has been the perfect model (if there is such a thing) of a FWS who “gets it”, very transparent and working hard on the issues that got her into that mess. Communications have greatly improved between us. She used to be quiet and always the peace keeper never affording me the truth about how she really felt. And then naturally she built up resentment toward me since I couldn’t read her mind. Now she speaks out, stands her ground and I find myself dealing with a whole new set of emotions. It’s like being pissed off and elated at the same time. Pissed off that the dumba$$ (sarcasm here) doesn’t agree with me (because I’m pretty sure I know everything) and elated that there is genuine communication going on. :-)
D-day was May 30, 2002 (2 1/2 years ago). My W had a seven week physical affair with a co-worker but she was involved emotionally with the guy for several months before, maybe even as much as a year before. We are one of the older couples on the boards. We had been married for 31 years at the time of the A. OM and his wife had been married for 32 years. Not that there is ever a good time for an affair, but after 30 years together and our two sons grown and out of the house, me looking at retirement within a year, making all these plans for travel and “US” time again, spoiling our grand kids, the affair hurt me to the very core of who I am and shattered my very basis for living. My sons were with me for the week following d-day taking suicide watch shifts.
My wife and I have had multiple counselors for IC and as a couple. As you can imagine, I had a lot of anger to deal with. The anger showed up quite often in some of my early posts over on the "other" boards. Back in those days I depended on many on the boards who had gone before me. Especially FWSs who helped me understand my wife’s responses and reactions. Thanks again.
For a guy who used to be ooooozing with self confidence, I have had some serious inadequacy issues. I think the inadequacy issues are rooted from some of my wife’s responses to me back in the very emotional uproar of d-day and the few days that followed. And, there is what I call a “time related urgency” meaning that at our age and my W being full blown menopausal have caused some complications in my reconnecting emotionally. This is hard to explain. If you can imagine needing sex in a hurt marriage to reconnect (especially from a betrayed male perspective) and then being in a biological situation that hinders using sex to reconnect. Does that make since? Before you all start with the suggestions of male sexual enhancement drugs let me say that is not the issue. It’s more like whether I can recognize if she enjoys it. Whether I’m adequate, see? It should also be said that my wife’s guilt plays a part in this situation. I need to know that I’m desired, not by words but by actions and reactions. There doesn’t seem to be anyone on the boards who relates to me in this area. As well, there have been several failed attempts at finding a counselor or physician who could help us with this. I’m actually getting weary of talking about it or trying to explain it. I’m getting tired of being looked at like I’ve got two heads.
I don’t struggle with the anger too much anymore, well at least its not controlling my time like it used to. I do still struggle sometimes with the inadequacy issue though. It feels like that is one of those things that I’m just going to have to accept, that it will never be right again, like adjusting to loosing a limb or something.
I understand it all, especially the inadequate feelings. And yet you've done really well, much better than me. From your photos on GT's what do we look like thread, you look happy (aside from a little nuts).
So I think you've got there.
xxx
You are further along than I am. Your wife and my husband both had emotional affairs. my husband admits being in love with the other woman for a good part of last year. we have been married 15 years and have two young children and i am devastad. on your sex thing. did you get answers yet? we bought some books on spicing things up and that helped. i guess i can say that until the affair, talking about needing more variety sexually was difficult for us, it touched those areas where we can get our feelings hurt easily. in the past, before his affair, i was the one reaching for him and getting him turned on. he said he was feeling inadequate. why he felt inadequate when i was making the first move alot, i don't know. and that really killed me about his affair. he desired her and wanted her and pursued her. if he had put that kinda effort into our marriage before...well, now he desires me and we are moving forward in the bedroom, but out of the bedroom i am a mess. this affair just eats at me. i have compared myself to her. i have lost 40 pounds (needed to lose some...but not my idea of a diet plan) and i hate myself for not keeping my husband faithful. i feel i have failed in some way. please describe to me how your wife really understood how much she had devasted you. my husband was like another person last year and he was in a fog. the fog has been lifting, but it has been so gradual. i wonder if he would have woken up sooner if i had left and he had to "win" me back. would he value me more. how could a good honest man walk away from reason and reality to have an affair with a woman that has affairs like others go to lunch. he did not know that about her. he never tried to find out details about her. he accepted everything she said at face value. she was our neighbor, she was one of my friends, and they worked together for 2 years before the affair started and thank God we moved 800 miles away from her, that helped limit them seeing each other, but still with her that far away, why couldn't i break thru to him? why couldn't he see me except to be critical during that time?
sorry i am rambing.
H2C, you were one of the first to greet me in the chat room when I stumbled on in last week.
Your first paragraph was alarmingly similar to my situation. My wife is remorseful and while she stewed for some time unable to communicate with me while communicating freely with the OM, we are now communicating like never before. Sometimes there is hurt as in spite of her remorse, there is a certain empowerment about her now. She's going to do this and she's not going to do that. The fact is that those things are important for her to be happy and not fall into despair again. She wants me to be my own man as well and to do for myself, but my problem is simply I'm much farther back at point 0 in finding my individual self.
It is 2 weeks today since D-Day, but amazingly our progress has been pretty good. I always had performance anxiety and fear of inadequacy which put a distance between us when there should have been closeness. Having realized that tomorrow is never a guarantee, now all I want is to be close to her and regardless of what happens we are experiencing an intimacy in the bedroom we never had.
This place and you people have given me ways of communicating my thoughts and feelings to her as well as to understand things she is going through.
I think we are going to make it. And it can be a better life together although somewhere in the sky of our relationship, there will always be a dark cloud obscuring some of the sun.
H2C, I wish you all the best and thank you for your warm welcome to the club.
I would like to figure out how to cut and paste dialogue so I do not have to do so much typing. But anyway, you said "If you can imagine needing sex in a hurt marriage to reconnect..."
Yes I can relate. I need that. It was part of the once happy part of our marriage, even though it is now tainted (at least in my mind). We have not had sex in over a year. It is more than just physical to me. It is connected to being wanted and desired. A display of passion on my H's part I think would be extremely healing for me. Even if it is painful emotionally. The last few times we had sex I remembered thinking about him and her doing it. But I think after time those thoughts of them would be replaced by new and fulfilling ones between us. The last time I initiated sex with my H, he was responsive, however he lost his erection before we got very far and so...
I am not sure why that happnened. I told him it was ok that we would just try again some time. But he has not tried again and neither have I. He never had those problems before. I can only guess why it may have happened. He did not talk about it after that. Anyway, the very sacred part of our marriage that was violated to me needs to be reinstated and healed. But that is such a delicate facet of our being. I suffer with fear of rejection a lot. The lack of feeling desired sexually only makes this worse for me. Yeah, I'm a mess. But at least I have insight. Sometimes.
I am so happy to see that you are still together after five years. It has been 4 1/2 months since I found out about the affair and I am struggling. Every day is a struggle. I wish that I could see some light at the end of the tunnel. My husband is trying so hard but I don't trust him at all. WHen did you start to feel better...
