I hardly know where to begin--so much has happened in the last week that I'm still trying to process.

Background--my husband had a serious illness 2 years ago. Once home from the hospital he became depressed and woke up each morning terrified to go to work. He ended up going to a shrink and is on antidepressants along with a bunch of other medicines. It took a long time to adjust the medications right. Things got better for him in that he no longer woke up terrified to go to work, but on the medication he lost his edge. He no longer had the drive and fierce will to succeed. To make a long story short, he tried his best but in the end he lost his job of 29 years. This happened in February, 2005. He is still trying to find a new job. I, in the meantime had been working my butt off at a very stressful job that consumes most of my time and energy but we need the money.

Fast forward to the last week in June. I accidently came across some porn sites and erotic stories on the computer. I was violently shaking as I confronted my husband about this. Yes, he looked at the sites, it became a game for him to see what he could find. As for the stories, he and a female friend had been exchanging stories and editing them for each other. Both liked to write and saw nothing wrong with this. I let him know how hurt I was that he spent all this time visiting these sites while spending very little with me. I also told him I felt betrayed by what he was doing with this woman especially given the nature of these stories. If writing was so important to him why had he not shared any of this with me? Why the secrecy if nothing was really going on? He felt it would upset me because I expected him to spend all his time job hunting. After a lot of tears and talk we vowed to work on reconnecting with each other. He wrote an e-mail to the woman and told her he would not be exchanging and editing stories with her and why.

I still had doubts and started checking his e-mails and checking which internet sites he visited at night. (He's always been a night owl and I go to bed early since I get up early.) I started finding more and more stories that I thought were fishy---these didn't sound like ficiton to me. Then I discovered the "other" pictures. Thing is, these were not from internet sites, these were from a digital camera. When you hold the cursor over the picture it tells the date and time the pic was taken and the model number of the camera. I was stunned. I checked some family pics we had taken with our camera and the numbers matched. This was July 1st and that night I confronted him. I watched him squirm with each question as he tried to lie about it until I finally confronted him with the fact that I had the proof and what it was. We sat out on the patio half the night talking it out. He admitted he was wrong and said he was sorry and said he thinks the medication makes him act and do things he never would have before. He said the relationship was just weird. (Many of the pics were of her posing nude in hotel rooms and doing things that make me sick to think about. Some were just normal pics. He never wanted to take pictures of me before. Why her?) I was in shock. I never in a million years would have expected him to have an affair. I totally trusted him. His job required a lot of evening meetings and weekends so it was easy for him to be with her and me not suspect anything. I slept about an hour that night. The next day we talked some more and I got everything out including how alone I felt because he was always the one I went to when I had a problem or needed comforting as he was my best friend. How do I deal with this when he's the one causing the hurt. I still needed my best friend. The next day I continued looking for things and asking questions, getting all upset again. He asked that I take a break from the investigation till after the 4th of July. You see, the 4th of July was our 30th wedding anniversary! Talk about timing. So we took a day off to watch fireworks rather than create them. Today, I went back to the pictures (they were on a CD which I found) to check dates again more carefully as I was in shock the first time I saw them. It just upset and hurt me more. The day after his birthday, the day before Thanksgiving, three days before Christmas (which was also the day after our son came home from college for Christmas break.) All times when he should have been with his family. We had it out again needless to say. He doesn't understand why I keep looking for things which just make me more miserable and is concerned I'm making myself sick with this. Yes, he had an affair, he was an idiot, stupid, sorry. Stop torturing myself with all the details. (His words.) The thing is, even though he said he broke it off in the spring I have to be sure. After all, he's lied to me for about a year. How do I believe him now? Also, for me to be able to deal with this and get past it, I have to know everythng. It's just the way I am.

The good news, relatively speakng I guess, is that he is planning to talk to the shrink on Monday about his medication. He wants off it if possible so that he can be his old self again. Also, I made an appointment today with a marriage counselor for next week and he is more than willing to go.

It's only been 6 days since I discovered this affair. It's the longest, most horrific 6 days of my life. I went looking for a website because I needed to talk with someone about this and get the perspective from others who've been there. Right now I feel like I'm grieving for the death of loved one. I guess I am as I'm grieving for the loss of my marriage as I knew it for 30 years and the husband I thought I knew so well. I feel a huge sense of loss, I feel hurt, betrayed, angry, sad, pick an adjective. And LEAH, I totally understand the comment you made about wanting sex now more than ever before and asked if anyone else felt that way. YES! In between the blowups I've craved sex. I know it surprised and confused my husband (although he DID oblige). It surprised me at first too, but I need to feel close to him again and I need to feel wanted and loved and to have the hole in my heart filled up.

Well, I've found it cathartic to get this out. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read it. So, any advice on where to go from here? I'm so afraid I will never learn to trust him again and what's a marraige without trust? On the other hand I'm equally afraid I WILL trust him again someday and end up getting hurt again.

Hello, my husband actually told me of his 2 'flings' almost 2 weeks ago. Some days are harder than others. I spend half the time either pissed or depressed and the other half beating myself up. The thing I keep coming back to is, if he did it twice, what makes me think he won't do it again? If I wasn't good enough for him, why is trying to stay with me now? Is it just because of the kids (we have 3)? Did he tell me in hopes that I would leave him or is he honestly sorry and wants to change?

The only advice I can give you is go to the discovery forum and read some of those posts ... I find them very helpful. I am dealing with it a little better now than I was a couple of days ago, but I am still really messed up. I am considering counseling. He doesn't think we need it, but I think I could use a little individual counseling anyway. If you need someone to talk to, I usually check the discovery forum everyday now, so you can always leave me a post and I will get back to ya. Hang in there hun, you can get thru this. You sound like a very strong and capable woman. You CAN do this!

Jessica--Thanks for responding. It really does help to have someone to unload on. I'm sorry for what you are going thru too and it must be especially hard if you have children at home. My youngest is away at camp working for the summer so there is no one to have to put up a good front for. I'm a teacher so I'm home for the summer. I can't imagine dealing with this AND work at the same time. However, it might have served to take my mind off of it a little.

My husband also said he would not leave me but I wonder sometimes if he wouldn't be relieved if I left him. He keeps saying he loves me but how do I reconcile that with what he did to me, to US? I keep trying to make sense of it all and to understand but I guess my mind just doesn't work that way. I keep going between feeling sad but sort of ok for awhile and then everything comes back to me and I get angry. It may be a normal reaction but its got me tied up in knots.

I will keep reading and checking in here. I think it will be very helpful. Everyone that has responded has been amazingly empathetic and supportive. I've cried reading each and every one. THANK YOU!