I was referred to this site by a friend. I have found a sense of peace here that I am not alone and everyone here has experienced what has happened to me and I am looking for suggestions and support.

I have been married for 13years together for 14 and we have a small child. I have always been supportive of my husband however 5-1/2 months ago I discovered that while my husband was away on business he had an affair with a woman for 2+ months. While he was away he was offered a new job so that he would not travel so much and could be home more with us, he titled it "Our new life". I quit my job, located a new home in another state, moved there and the night of our arrival I could sense something was wrong, I tried to ask what was bothering him only to get the response..........nothing I just had a lot of time to think while I was away. 7 days later I discovered the affair. I was utterly devasted and could not believe he would do this to me. I calmly called him and told him not to come home that I had discovered his affair, at first he pretended not to know what I was talking about, then he got defensive and said that I was snooping in his business, then finally admitted that he did have an affair. It did not stop there, it was NOT over, he was intending on telling me when my mother came out for a visit so that I would have support and his new woman was moving to the same state we had just moved to. Rather than go completely bolistic I used reverse pyschology, I set my mind that I was going to show him what he could have had, and what he was losing......the final 2 weeks we spent together before I would return home to all of our family (out of State again) were the best 2 weeks that we had in the past 2 years. My theory and work paid off! The night before the movers were to come and we were to leave for California, he suddenly decided this wasnt what he wanted, he wanted us to stay.....Unfortunately too little too late. My mother cancelled her flight home, and drove back to California with me and our daughter. The first night away from home, knowing the decision we made was one of the worst of many nights to come.

We have been seperated now for 5-1/2 months and are still trying to find out if we want and can survive his infidelity. I so want to forgive and trust him again, I must admit I have begun to forgive and am trying to trust. He is making it very difficult for me to gain emotional closure and move on because he believes that now that it is out & over I should just "move on".

I have found that each time he makes me angry I do something to retaliate and hurt him, like chat online with men. I have been 110% faithful to him during our entire relationship, because when I took the vows of marriage I took them forever.

He has hacked into my email accounts, online chat accounts and then calls me and tells me to file for divorce. The last time was just 2 days ago, he logged onto a chat site with my email, my password and tried to find dirt...he didnt find anything.........as usual. I believe that he is trying to justify what he has done and cannot accept the fact that I have been completely faithful.

I am looking for others input and comments and give me another perspective to determine if I should continue to try to salvage my marriage or set myself free.

CW

Howdy Carrie,

Welcome to the Recovery and Discovery Affair Forum. I'm very sorry you had to find us however you've found a safe place along with alot of caring, sharing and wisdom from the folks here.

Hopefully the first thing this site provides new members is letting them (you) know you are not alone. I'm glad this forum has already taken care of that.

I hope you have read enough here to know that's its typical for a WS (wandering spouse) to say just "get over over it", "we need to move on" If it was only that simple there would be no need for forums like this. Could he just "get over it" at the thought of you with another man? I doubt it.

He didn't accidently bounce a check, he made the choice to betray you. Your whole world (your safe place) has just been turned upside down and I'm guessing to you everything you thought was...ISN'T. Does it seem as if your marriage is one gigantic lie now? He seems like a stranger to you? He has to understand that.

He needs to earn your trust back. What is he doing in that area? Is he going to I.C.? Reading books? Anything? Don't confuse jealousy with love. Instead of checking your email...he should be figuring out why he gave himself permission to do what he did.

In the mean time, as tempting as it to look for valiadation from other men you need to stay true to YOU. Stay away from that temptation.

<<<I am looking for others input and comments and give me another perspective to determine if I should continue to try to salvage my marriage or set myself free.>>>

Do you love him? Does he love you? Decide what you want/need for reconcilition to take place. Is there anythere left to build on? I suspect there is otherwise you wouldn't be here. How about taking some time and deciding what you want?

Welcome to the forum.

Tex

P.S. When you feel comfortable post your story in the discovery forum. You will get more feedback there.

I'm always saddened to hear of others enduring the pain of an affair. Like Tex stated you are not alone.

If you choose not to reconsile, and can find in your heart to forgive, you will be the better for it. It is through forgiveness that we are forgiven. ("and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you." Ephesians (Chp 4 I believe, and I forgot what verse) This is what helped me to forgive my husband after numerous affairs.

They will try to justify their errors out of guilt. Try to find something to condemn you on. My husband could not find anything on my either, and it made him feel even worse. They may even try to get you to commit adultery too, by saying, you know you can date anyone you like now. But don't buy into that....not until you are divorced. Be strong until it is over.

Now you will see 20/20 hindsight, and every excuse, every line will be so obvious now. You will wonder why didn't I catch that before?

Well, take care my friend...your are loved.

Carmen

My H's A was a choice he made not a mistake he made.I do not have to forgive him for CHOOSING to have the A & lie to me. I am not going to be a doormat. I can choose to give him another chance with our marriage but I am not going to forgive him for what he did. It was a daily bad choice that he made & he knew it was wrong.