I am hoping this forum will help me. I have been married for almost 23 years. I found out on October 17th that my husband had an affair. I just have known, but I was very shocked. He has a major problem with depression, and part of me knew that he was vulnerable, but he seemed to have such low self esteem. I guess I convinced myself I was safe, and I believed him. It is a strange story. Any feedback will be appreciated. Basically, our relationship was suffering last winter. He was so depressed, and wouldn't stay on his meds. I would shut myself off from him, because I was getting depressed. He constantly blamed me and our sons for his problems. He began having even more serious mental health issues. He perceived things about himself that weren't true, basically imagined health problems,so he became more isolated. Anyway, he met someone last spring and began seeing this woman. I had no idea. About a month later he had an emotional break down, and threatened suicide. Right then I should have insisted on hospitalization. About a month later he said he needed to move out for awhile. He said our sons were stressing him out. I wanted him gone, because HE was stressing US out. All during the seperation we were in touch. We still went out, we had sex. I even made him an appointment with the doctor and went with him. I got worried though, because I knew it wasn't good for us to be apart, and he wasn't making progress, I was so blind. Anyway, at the end of September he went to a group of doctors, who seemed to help him. He then wanted to come home. (Now at this point I had no idea about the OW.) He told me that he realized he had to fix himself, and that he needed and wanted to be with me and our boys. Things went along well. I was glad he was home, and he did seem different. He was also very compliant with his meds. Well, about a month after he came home, I learned the truth. I was driving up to our house, and I see a commotion in our yard. I pull up to the house. He walks into the house, and this woman walks over to me. She was very upset. She starts asking me how long had he been home. I was so shocked. She said she had been seeing him since the spring. She said she knew something was up, so she had a friend find out if he was back home. He claims he didn't know how to end it. He said he knew she would eventually come over, because he had been pulling away. Part of me believes that, and part of me doesn't. I wonder if he was wanting to keep us both. It kills me the way she acted like she was the one done wrong. I guess he was cheating on her to. I guess I want someone to tell me I am right by staying with him. Sometimes I think I'm stupid. I do have alot invested, and we do get along well, as long as he is healthy that is. I keep scrutinizing the phone bills. I get so upset when I see the times he called her. Why didn't he come clean before he moved back home? I would have taken that alot better than this. For the most part he is doing everything right, but I still feel insecure. It is horrible. Just when I think it's getting better, I will have a flash back. At least the nightmares have stopped.

Howdy Jordan,

Welcome to the site. I'm sorry you had to find us.

I was very happy to read he is under a doctor's care for his depression. The symptoms manifest themselves differently between the genders which is why it goes under diagnosed in men.

Hopefully you have read some books or checked out a few websites on depression on men. I am guessing you must have done some research because that was a damn good observation on your part to recoginize it. Is he also seeing a counsellor along with taking the meds?

Now you need to do the same thing with affair recovery. Read. Also perhaps suggest marriage counselling to your H.

Here are a few recommended books:

• The Monogamy Myth by Peggy Vaughan
• After the Affair by Janis Abrahms-Spring
• Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass

There is a complete listing of reading material in the announcements and policies forum.

Its important you take care of yourself: Sleep, eat and exercise. If you find YOU need help please see a doc also. Its very normal for a BS(betrayed spouse) to have to deal with their own depression after discovering their spouse's infidelity.

Once again...welcome.


Regards,

Tex

P.S. I am going to copy your post to the Discovery Recovery Forum so you'll receive more responses.

Thank you so much. I'm so relieved that I found this forum.

Jordan....hi. Only you can determine what decisions are the right ones for you. It is very early in your discovery phase, so I don't be too hard on yourself about this. Your husband is depressed..he needs help,you have chosen to stay with him and try to see if you can't get to another place? This OW sounds like a trip...the victim...right. As most people on this forum will suggest, if the two of you can get into some type of counseling, things might be at least identified. Twenty three years in a marriage is a very long time...you have much history and much time and energy and love invested in one another. I wouldn't be too quick, at this point, to try to "second guess" what your husband was thinking. To address your primary question...no, you need to do what you "feel" you need to do...listen to your body and what it is trying to tell you. If you sense that you should stay, then stay....sometimes we don't listen to what we really need....trust yourself and your instincts. Please keep posting, as th is will be a very comforting, helpful place for you to get a great deal of support from some wonderful, bright, caring people. We have all been where you are...

I think I know why your husband would cheat on you. And why he was considering suicide. He may have felt some sense of rejection, by you or somebody in his life. And that rejection triggered his suicide attempt. I know because that's what happened to me. I was rejected by somebody I cared for and tried to die that very night. Maybe your husband feels trapped in some way in his marriage, ask him what he enjoys and wants in life if he didn't have his family. Try to fulfill his wants and needs in the marriage and vice versa. Rejection could mean you rejecting him sex, or rejecting him on something really important to him, or rejecting his values. I hope this information helps you.

I think your doing the right thing by staying with your husband, because it's clear that he has problems and your kids need their father alive and healthy.

He didn't come clean before he came home beause he knew this would hurt you nd didn't want you to be hurt, I know that sounds confusing but it may be true for his case. He probably could have gone on forever without telling you. This affair had nothing to do with you, he was fulfilling his needs, selfish as we call it. I feel for both you and your husband, as I am in the same situation. It's normal to have nightmares, insecurities, flashbacks, everything is alright one second and the next eveything is shattered once again. Please do a self evaluation for yourself while your husband is working on himself. You are important too and deserve to be a healthy mom for your boys. Try the book or cd by Dr. Phil Relationship Rescue and the Workbook. Try not to look back just keep looking forward.

F*E*M*A*L*E