A woman called me Dec 2 and told me my wife was having an affair with her husband, a realtor. After I got home, got drunk,puked, cried and everything else, she says it was only 3 nights out with 2 of her girlfriends (and this guy)and once he walked her out to her car after work and kissed her, but she pulled away. This story changed (after I had called the cheating man's wife back desperate for the truth) when she told me that she kissed him. This story changed again to a 3 minute kiss. (She's never kissed me for 3 minutes). She's always come home late from work (later than it takes to drive directly home, has always had a P.O. Box.

I know I'm rambling but I can't get past the obsessing. She says they kissed for 3 minutes, but she didn't like it (he tasted like smoke, it didn't feel right, etc.) But I also found out that they text messaged each other, and one of his text messages was: What are you wearing? her reply, "A smile. And then she tells me she knows she has a flirting problem, but that it didn't go any further than the kiss, that she didn't love him. We have gone to the therapist once, I've gone to mental health, I'm taking anxiety pills and I want to severe the connection between my heart and my head by blowing my brains out. Are there any women out there that can explain to me that a woman can kiss a man other than her husband for 2-3 minutes and not be attracted, not know it was coming, not want it?

It's been 25 days, and I don't feel any better. She was a saint to me. She was always so fervently against infidelity, yet she had no compuction going out to drinks with a guy she knew was screwing around with 5 other women in town. Can someone tell me is there any truth? Someone please tell me there is someone or something to believe. I hope I live long enough to find out.

P.S. I don't drink, take drugs, never laid a finger on her, make decent money, cook every meal, do the shopping,take the kids to sports and karage and clean the floors, in addition to doing the guy stuff like change the oil and mow the yard. She even says what happened had nothing to do with our relationship. I am crying in public place while I type this. Someone please help me.

Charlie

Hi Charlie! I am sorry for what you are going thru. Believe me, I know how you feel. You have found a safe place to talk here. There are some wonderful people who can offer you alot of support. Things will get better with time. First of all, you must take care of yourself. Eating, sleeping & exercise are very important. I know it's hard to think straight right now but you have to take care of yourself. Remember you have your children & they need their dad. When you have had some time to think,and I know that's not easy, you will need to come up with some boundries that you can live with. Maybe having your wife get rid of the p.o. box might be a start. Things like that. The boundries that I have for my H are: No female friends, I can check his cell phone & e-mail when I want, no lying for any reason, etc. He knows if any of these boundries are broken we are finished. You have to come up with your own set of consequences too & you have to stick to them. Have you asked your W why she did what she did? My H is still trying to figure that out.My H always said he never believed in cheating either & he was always honest too, until the A. I do believe,now that I've had months to deal with this A mess, that sometimes the A really doesn't have much to do with their spouse. I think it's about some problem with the WS(wayward spouse). For instance, maybe they have low-self esteem & crave the attention from someone else, maybe they are bored with everyday life(work, bills, kids, etc.),etc. I'm not saying that any of these things make the A justafiable because an A is always wrong. I'm just saying that just because a spouse has an A doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you.We're just the ones that get our lives torn apart. I think that the WS is very selfish to have an A. They do it for themselves.We BS(betrayed spouses) have no say so in the matter.I am just now able to go days without crying. It still hurts like hell & I'm still not sure that I am going to stay with my H, but I am starting to feel alittle better. I started snooping in Oct.2004 but didn't find the last of the evidence that I needed until Sept. 2005. Everyday during that time my H lied to me. I would ask him 4 or 5 times a day if he was having an A, if he was being truthful, etc. That's alot of lies in 13 months. Finally, I found the e-mails & he was busted. My life will never be the same but it will go on. I am sorry that I am not alot of help. There are alot of great people on this site that will be a big help to you. As I stated earleir, I am pretty new to all of this A mess too. I just saw your post and wanted to let you know that you're not alone & we're here to listen & help! Please take care of yourself. This A mess can take a toll on the body as well as the heart!

I'm moving this to the Discovery Forum so that many can see your post and hopefuly respond to you. Welcome to our community.

H2C

We are going to our second therapist appointment today. Sorry for all the wordiness, I am not yet familiar with all the abbreviations. She said her p.o. box is set to expire Dec 31, I'll have to check on that.
My obsession right now is, she first said it was a kiss she kinda rejected, and that changed into a 3 minute kiss she was a part of. How am I to believe that's all it was? I've never kissed any woman for more than 2 minutes where it didn't lead to a whole lot more. She says she's not attracted to him,but did like the attention and that he's a class clown type that's funnier than me His wife (who found out where I work and got one of my business cards to call me and let me know of the affair) says he admitted to an affair. Here's where we get bogged down. I have told her I can't get any lower, just tell me the WHOLE truth. Oh, I also found out from the other guys wife that their was "phone sex", that she had seen message between the two. I asked my wife about it, and she said most of the text messages (phone sex) were mostly about her work (escrow), which I immediately wrote off as BS, because he can pick up a phone and call her office directly. I did say she thought she mislead him into thinking there was more between them than there was. I asked for what she would consider a "bad" text message.
She said he sent one that said "What are you wearing?" her reply was "a smile".

So, I have a couple years of basically a lot of suspect timing (her job closes at 5:00, it's a 35 - 40 min drive home, worst case) and i can count on one hand how many times she has been home by 5:45. In her defense, she does have the busiest unit in her office, with more assistants than any other, so it could be she was actually at work an hour later than everyone else, I just don't believe it right now. This event calls every other event into question. I have a 2-3 minute kiss that she claims she had no idea was coming (even after the "what are you wearing" inquiry),she claims she didn't like it or want it, yet it went on for 2 minutes. She knows where he lives (he invited her to see his new place about a year ago,and she supposedly spent 2 minutes just looking at the inside, and then left). I also have, from what she says, about 15 text messages (most of them non sexual, from what she says).
And she says she didn't have sex with him. The wife of this guy, at my request, called him (she told me that he tells her everything) and she told me she thinks they did not have sex, because when his therapist asked him he said "thank God, not yet". I don't know if they just got there stories together, or what. I do think their is a big gap between a two minute kiss and no sex.

Am I twisting thing in the worst possible way? I have bought the books our therapist told us to, read them, and I'm more screwed up than ever. They don't even attempt to define an affair. A fling? What do you think? Is it possible she's telling part of the truth, all the truth? I know this, I would know anything it it weren't for the other woman. Can a woman kiss a man in public and not feel anything, be turned off, and not know it was coming. She has always been very flirty and outgoing. I'm looking for a woman's view, because if I talk to a guy, I'm weak, can't satisfy her, or they'll just say she's f'n bitch. I want a woman to tell me if what she's telling me is possible true. Thanks for letting an insane man ramble

Hi Charlie. My best advice is not to believe what the WS first tells you. My H spent 12 months telling me nothing was going on. Then it became "well, maybe I had feelings for her but nothing ever happened & she didn't even know I had any feelings for her".Then when I finally busted him wiht 200 e-mails between the 2 of them , H now says"we kissed once, in the office". He had to admit that because I read it in one of the e-mails. He still swears I know everything & that they never had sex. My answer to all of this is HA!!!!! I don't know why the WS can't tell the whole truth. Maybe they forgot what reality is. Maybe they don't want to admit how bad it was. Maybe it's a dirty little secret they don't want to let go of. Who knows! I've just learned that the WS rarely comes clean with the truth, especially in the beginning. One thing that might ease your mind is to have your spouse call you from her office phone the minute she is getting ready to leave work each day. I assume you have caller I.D. & that way you would know exactly what time she leaves work each day. Now, if she throws it in your face that you are treating her like a baby or checking up on her, tell her that HER actions have caused you not to be able to trust her & that she has to do whatever is necessary to try & earn your trust back. Trust & respect are earned not just granted. She has to realize that her selfish actions have caused the worst pain you have ever experienced. By the way, emotional affairs are just as bad as physical ones.Be careful & do not blindly trust her. She has proven to be untrustworthy. Take care!!

We just got back from our 2nd therapist visit, which focused mostly on my poor self esteem. We also talked about my obsessing, and the therapist said that if there was any truth, I would have all I could by now. I don't know if that parallels what you say, or not. We did agree that next Wedsday we will talk about WS problem, my insecurity or qualm is that they (the the WS and the therapist) are looking at her story as the truth, and I suspect are going to treat this like a combination of her flirting (which hasn't quite been identified yet),and the fact that she was molested at a young age, which somehow made her feel powerless and go along with the 3 minute kiss. The WS has told me she took 2 years of psychology in college, I wonder if she's misleading the therapist, or if the therapist probably knows more went on, but doesn't feel it does us any good to force it out of WS.

As far as WS, since Dec 2, she does come home on time, calls me when she leaves work. Amazingly, she's home an average of about 35 minutes earlier than prior to Dec 2. I did have a panic attact Tues morning, took my pill, (that didn't help), went out into the garage and ran on the treadmill like the mental health guy told me (that didn't help) and then came back in, woke her up and told her I wanted to see all her text messages NOW. She showed them to me, none from the guy (thank God) just girlfriends from work wishing Merry Christmas. She has agreed to let go of the P.O. box, though I just thought, she could just as easily open a new one. On Dec 5, she did have her boss call me and tell me that all the escrows that this guy had with her have been transferred to another officer, and that he will not be allowed in her office. So that was good. She took these steps. Maybe I'm just too hung up on the truth. She says he hasn't called her, and they haven't spoken.

She told the therapist (who tried to confirm with me) that this kiss (as far as I know) has "shocked" her with how important her marriage and family are, and that she will, as she put it, "never put myself or my husband or family in this position again". And that this "shocking" can actually change someone, according to the therapist. Have you gone to a marriage therapist, and if so, what were your results?

Hi again Charlie! In answer to your question, we went to a marriage councilor about 5 times in March of this yr. That was before I knew for sure what was going on. I suspected an A but only had alittle proof. I now know that he lied to the councilor & me the whole time.So, it was basically a waste of time.Just be careful.The WS are so good at lying.I honestly think that they have themselves fooled. Just remember that you are entitled to varify anything that you don't feel comfortable about. Hopefully you will be able to work things out with your wife.I still think about the A all the time but am pretty much done crying 24/7. For awhile there I thought I was going to go crazy. I don't know if this happens to many BS but I have found some self-esteem & backbone thru all of this. I now realize that I am worth alot & if I chose to stay in this marriage then he is one lucky guy. I have been a good wife(he agrees) & I am a good person.If I chose to leave I will survive somehow. I think I still love him but it is not the wonderful love that I had for him & it will never be that way again. Our marriage will never be what it was. That is such a sad thing to know. He was my everything & now he's not.Our marriage was special & now it's not.The WS will never know how bad they goofed up. I don't think they can ever understand what they do to us. The thing that also hurts is that I don't think my H would ever have volunteered to come to me & tell me what he had done. He would have let me live this lie of a marriage & not said a word. It's like we were given no choice in our own lives. I am glad that I snooped for 12 months until I found out.I still doubt that I know everything but at least my H & his lies have been exposed.Good luck with your situation. Remember to look out for yourself. You have to because nobody else will.Also, if you don't feel comfortable with the councilor that you have, try another one.

Last night was a bad one,almost as bad as Dec 2. I obsessed all night, slept on the couch, tried to work out at 4:00 am, but couldn't. I wen't into the bedroom and told her about my post to you, and how your response from your husband was identical to hers. She said that we are all different people in different situations. I have become exhasperated,exhausted,and just want the truth. I told her that I felt I could not forgive her (I had previously thought that I must hav forgiven her, because I wasn't mad at her since Dec2). I asked where the divorce papers were,she told me where, and that if I couldn't get over my obsession, we should divorce. I can't bring myself to do it. She cried for an hour, she doesn't want a divorce either. The gist of what I'm getting at is she finally revealed that not only did they kiss, but he fondled her breast (supposedly in public). It took me the 25 darkest days of my life to sqeeze this out of her. She pleads that she honestly does not know why she went along with the kiss, and/or why she flirts,and that she wants to continue with the therapist to find out. She was balling the the entire time, and really broke down at the thought that the therapist will not see either of us if we decide to divorce (the therapist explained this to us from the beginning), because she doesn't know where the flirting/lack of a natural "married woman" response to direct contact from someone other than your spouse. Could this be sincere?

By the way, this is the 2nd therapist we've seen. I talked to my boss today (a spiritual man) and he says it's apparent that my obsessing is obvious, that I haven't forgiven her, and if I don't stop obsessing, it will drive her away, and I will lose the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. What do you think? Could there be a difference between men and women as far as revealing the truth of the affair? Does it matter? And how do I force myself to stop obsessing?

I am by no means an expert on any of this A mess; just trying to feel my way thru this the same as you & everyone else on this forum. Sorry that you had such a bad nite.There will probably be more but you will gain strength. I think the way you are "obsessing" is prefectly normal & your wife needs to accept the fact that this is part of the healing process. She has to take responsibility for the pain & shock that she has caused you. She,and your boss, are being unreasonable when they expect you to just" get over it".They can't possibly know how this rocks our whole world & causes more pain than we ever thought imaginable. I have flat out told my H that from what I've learned it can take the BS a couple of years to"get over it". I asked him if he was going to be able to stand whatever I have to go thru to grieve & recover. He said that he would. Sometimes he gets alittle upset but he caused all of this & he does realize that.I really don't know if there's a difference between male & female WS.My main problem right now is that I am not sure if I will stay with my H or not.I just don't see him as the great guy that I thought he was all these yrs. I look at him now & think "I don't even know who the hell he is". I have gained alot of strength the last month & now often think of the kids & I moving and starting over. I think" How could I possibly give my heart back to someone who could do something so awful to me?" Maybe that will change with time but that's where I'm at right now.I just don't know how to trust someone who lied so much during that time. I think you need to talk to you W & let her know that you have to work thru this grieveing period at your own pace & that if she wants your relationship to survive than she needs to respect this process. Let her know that you understand she may grow impatient & angry at times but that she needs to understand that she caused this pain, & mistrust & she now has to do the work to help you both get thru this.Maybe you can even give her some tools that could help her help you. I told my H that I need him to call me several times a day just to say "hi". I need to know that he's thinking about me.I also told H that I wanted flowers(just cheap ones from the grocery store). It took him 12 months of me telling him that's what I needed BUT I finally got flowers a few weeks ago. By having her help you heal it will help both of you. It will help you because you will see signs that she is trying & it will help her because it will give her an active part in helping you heal.I think the Ws gets upset & says "get over it" because they feel guilty seeing what their selfish behavior has caused. They just want everything to be back to normal so they can forget about what they did.I am sure that it's hard for them to face reality & see how they have torn us apart. But I am very real with my emotions & words & I am not going to pretend to be o.k. when I am not. I have been very honest with my H. He knows that if it weren't for the kids I would have left the minute I had the final proof that I needed of the A. He also knows that I have not made up my mind as to whether I am staying or not.Speaking of that, let your wife know that your emotions are all over the place & that you are doing your best to make sense of all your thoughts & feelings. Communicate & ask for her patience(not that you should have to). It's very important for the both of you to sift thru all this A mess together. My H often got tired of having me ask the same questions everyday but I explained that I needed to hear the answers over & over. I needed that consistancy from him.When she does give you new little bits of information, thank her for being honest. Also, let her know that WS can post on here too. We really are nice to them & even value their story & point of view.Don't know if I mentioned this before but when I was really angry I found it helpful to write in a spiral notebook & leave it for my H to read. I had to vent someway & I was doing way too much yelling. I truely wanted to kill him sometimes!! Anyway, I would write several angry pages & leave it for him to read.It helped me alot.Also, do you have a hobby or interest that you could do for a few hrs. a week just to help get your mind doing something enjoyable for awhile? Also, how about a once a week date nite for you & your wife? Get out of the house & spend a few hrs. reconnecting with each other.It may seem uncomfortable at first but you do need some neutral time to reconnect. My H & I go to the $1.50 movie. I can't talk about the A in a movie theater so, it's a safe date place. I hope that you & your W can work things out. Just let her know that it will take lots of baby steps on both your parts & both of you should realize that there will be setbacks from time to time.Take care & talk with us whenever you need to!

Hi Charlie! Just wanted to say "Happy New Year & I hope that you & your wife can find happiness.It's a long road but hopefully will lead to good things.

to you too, Barb. I'm starting to get a little better. The last 2 days I didn't wake up with panic in my heart, so that's good. Hope all is well with you and your family. Sorry it took so long to reply, I'm not very computer savvy, and took me a while to find your post.

That's o.k. Charlie! I'm no good on a computer either. still don't know how to get the smiley faces on my posts! You'll have good & bad days; just part of the emotional rollercoaster. Enjoy the good days & remember there will be more & more of them as time goes on. I am feeling pretty darn "normal" since I forgave my H.It was time for me to let go & realize that I needed my higher power to take the burden off of me. I need to live! I still wonder sometimes if he's being honest or if he's doing what he says he is but I've seen a change in him since I forgave him & he's really trying so hard. I think we're o.k. now.He's going to get counciling so that he can give me(& himself) the answers we need. We have made a choice to never take our marriage or each other for granted again.It's a good feeling & hopefully we will stick to it & things will work out.That's our hope anyway.It feels so good to be in his arms again & see him as my loving husband & not as the H that had the A.It feels like it used to.Take care Charlie!

<<I suspect are going to treat this like a combination of her flirting (which hasn't quite been identified yet),and the fact that she was molested at a young age, which somehow made her feel powerless and go along with the 3 minute kiss.>>

Charlie, I am so sorry for your pain. I have a similar past as your wife. I had been sexually taken advantage of several times growing up and I had been raped just seven years ago. I am starting rape counseling soon and have found out that cheating is common for women with my history.

It doesn't excuse the action but I have been in your wife's shoes before and just recently.

Here is what went on in my head, literally. I hope it helps...

Because the man was interested in me, I for some reason played along. I don't know why. I convinced myself it was what I wanted even though it wasn't. Maybe it was leftover from trying to convince myself that the rape was something that I wanted so that I could deal with it. I also didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying no, so i pushed the thought of my husband out of my mind so i wouldn't hate myself. I have done that time and time again, let men kiss or touch me that I would never choose to kiss or touch if the choice were mine, and played along with it. I also have a flirting problem, but it is not because I am interested in the person I am flirting with.

I don't know what causes me to do these things but I hope to discover what it is in rape counseling. I am convinced that unless I understand why I did it and take steps to change these patterns, then I will be likely to do it again. I am working so hard to rebuild my credibilty with myself and with my husband. I am going to AA because I think women like me also tend to have "problems" with alcohol and their behavior when they are drinking. I am going to rape counseling to understand how that situation affects my life and to break the hurtful patterns it caused. I plan on going to an intensive counseling program called the Hoffman Process because it helps you break patterns learned in childhood and replace them with better patterns. And then I am going to individual counseling and couple's counseling for as long as it takes.

I've also started journaling, observing my thoughts and actions and struggling to be as honest as possible. That has been helpful for getting to know myself better, which will help me pinpoint where I'm going off track.

See if your wife relates to this description: Low self-esteem but big ego, self-hating but selfish. I suspect she does. Suggest that she take the steps I'm taking, they're helping already after only one week. Her history may have also caused an affection or sex addiction. Have her explore that possibility.

she isn't self -hating, but she says she has low self esteem (which is what our therapist says I have), which blows me away, because for all intents & purposes, I'm married to Angelina Jolie. Seriously, she looks just like her. Selfish, well, she does like money, and spends her money on her credit cards,which are spent on Victoria's Secret clothes. She likes expensive stuff, (Audi TT, Cadillac STS) which I can't afford to give her. She doesn't know why she is flirty, though she said it didn't start until after her divorce from her 1st husband ( I am #2). She was abducted and sexually molested at a young age, I think between the age of 7 to 12. She is very quick to anger, and very quick to get over it. I am very slow to anger, and hang on to it longer.

When you allowed these men to kiss you, did you go further with it?

Neither one of us drinks or does drugs. I hope it is an affection addiction. I asked her if she had a sex addiction,and she said no. What would you say to your husband if he asked you?

no, i did not allow the kiss to go further. this last, recent time the guy touched me on the breast. i took a second to build up the courage but then i pushed him away because i hurt inside, for what i was doing and because deep down it was not actually what i wanted.

and, yes, i do think i have a sex addiction. i haven't been diagnosed as such yet but i am going to rape counseling starting tomorrow and i want to talk to them about the possibility. i have noticed i use and feel the same way about sex that i do about alcohol, to fill the hole that feels pain.

It helps to know there's a least 1 precedent. When flirting, did these guys text message you innapropriate things? Or were you able to discern ( I presume you had been flirting a long time) what was direct sexual innuendo or just joking around? I'm wondering, because that's what she says happened, and that it lead to kiss she didn't want.

sorry it took me so long to respond. i was out of town.

there were other guys that i was hanging out with in a group of friends that i had. we all made sexual innuendos towards eachother as jokes so it was hard to tell what was appropriate. now i would say that it was all innapropriate but i didn't feel that way at the time.

there was one guy who had a crush on me and would text message me about how he wished i were not married. i tried to be nice and not hurt his feelings by saying, yeah you're attractive, too. but i really didn't think he was. i realise now i should not have said that because it probably made him think i liked him and encouraged him to make the advances towards me that he did. i felt uncomfortable being his friend because his advances were unwelcome, but i didn't want to create tension in the group. in that group there was only one guy friend that was totally respectful of my marriage. he was the only true friend, as i see it now.

the guy that i kissed i did not know. i met him on vacation. i didn't even notice him even though i realised later that he was pursuing me, and he told me so. it started when he offered to give me a massage (he had a professional license). the massage was very professional, nothing innapropriate, but it layed the groundwork for me to notice him and for me to reach out for him when dealing with my rape issue became too painful for me and my husband was thousands of miles away.

but the point is this...
what your wife said may be true. she may have problems pushing off men's advances due to her childhood. but that is not an EXCUSE for her cheating on you. if that is the REASON she needs to deal with it, if not for you then for herself or to keep from hurting other people that she loves.

i read somewhere that an affair starts when you discuss your marital problems with another man. now i believe this and i intend to stay well on this side of that boundary. i hope your wife will commit to doing the same.

Responses on the Discovery forum (below).

http://www.network54.com/Forum/375592/thread/1135719442/last-1137454670/We+have+a+new+Charlie+and+he+needs+our+help+from+women.

A couple of posts ago, you said you thought you had/have a sex addiction. But you also said that you never went beyond a kiss or touching. I don't understand.

Please add responses on the Discovery Forum (click below).
Thank you.

http://www.network54.com/Forum/375592/thread/1135719442/last-1137454670/We+have+a+new+Charlie+and+he+needs+our+help+from+women.

Charlie,

Allow me to be the lone voice in the wilderness. I certainly cannot speak for your wife or possibly know what really happened between her and her friend, but I can tell you this much: I have been happily married for nearly 30 years, and I love to flirt. It is almost an obsession with me. I simply have to know that my husband is not the only man on the face of this earth that finds me attractive. On occasion, that obsession has sometimes gotten me into a bit of trouble. I've never ever crossed the line, but I sure have walked right up to it and then right down it, pushing the envelope as far as possible. It's a rush that I can only guess must be similar to what a junkie experiences. (I've never taken an illegal drug in my life, so I have to just guess here.)

My guess is your wife has some insecurity issues, and working with the excitement that can go along with the world of businessmen is a huge temptation for her to bolster her ego. I am a paralegal, and getting the attention of a lawyer or other powerful businessman is a real "fix" for my ego. They psychiatric world would probably tell me that I do these things because my father was distant; never told me that I was pretty; never told me that he loved me; and then died when I was 17. They would tell me that I am constantly looking to fill that need for male attention and approval. And they would probably be right.

My husband is a wonderful man who would rearrange the stars for me if I asked him to, and I would never want him to know just how flirtatious I am when I am in the presence of men that I perceive as powerful or influential. I never, ever want to hurt him and do not believe that I would ever have an affair. I am very much aware of my problem and do my best to keep a lid on it.

My guess is that your wife is aware of her issues as well, but probably is reluctant to admit she has a problem. My advice to you is to realize this has absolutely nothing to do with you or her love for you. She's the one with the problem; not you. If you love her as much as it seems you do, be patient with her, but insist that she talk with someone about it.

As for your original question: yes. It is entirely possible for a woman to engage in a long, intimate kiss and not take things anything further. (A little hard to believe that she didn't see it coming, unless she has talked herself into believing that.) I've done it many times myself. It's all about power over the guy and nothing to do with love or even attraction, for that matter.

I hope this has been helpful. I wish I had seen this back when you first posted it.

We are in therapy. She did acknowledge she has a "problem", but no one has clearly defined it for me. She also admitted answering text messages, one specifically that read "What are you wearing?", she replied "a smile". She still maintains she had no clue he was going to kiss her, as this was supposedly the way they "joked around". I don't know if the therapy is helping as much as the Lexapro, but you are the second woman who has told me that a woman could kiss a man for that length of time and not want or like it. That helps.
I just don't understand a lot of things. Thanks for your post.

Charlie

Charlie, you don't understand it because it sounds like you are a very good person who probably always does the right thing. If it helps, those of us who have this awful need don't really understand it either. I always feel just terrible whenever I allow this kind of thing to happen. Crazy as it sounds, just please, please know that it isn't because you don't fill a need that she has, or because she doesn't love you, none of that. It is a dark, deep, bottomless pit that 100 men could never fill. What your wife and women like me need to do is learn to be satisfied with ourselves and not dependent on the approval of men. I am constantly working on it.

My very best wishes to you, sweet Charlie. I hope this all works out for you and your wife.

Sherry

for the kind words, Sherry. I am also hoping this all becomes easier for me at some point. God Bless

Charlie,

I don't know if this will help your situation (I lost track of this post somewhere near the end).

I work with victims of rape and abuse and from what I have been taught and what I have witnessed, these victims will set themselves up unknowingly to become victims again. I believe this is what hurtinglove is trying to put into words. The tricky part of this is that they do not mean to do this or to become like this, it just happens and it happens to them time and again until they get the help that they need.

I work primarily with adolescent youth, and most of them are in this program because their parents were noticing this destructive trend and wanted something done about it before they got too much older.

Hope this helps...
HurtDeeply

I am sorry that you are going through this heck I am sorry I am going through this. So much pain and saddness is hard to bear. I have no answers I still only have questions myself. The old 'god never gives you what your not strong enough to bear' makes me furious as this is hell on earth. I know that I am strong enough to get through this I am just mad that I have too. I am sorry I had trouble getting on to talk to you when you were there. I have read your postings and know this there are people out there who are kind & good and who do not do this kind of behavioral immature acting out.

I have read all the posts & it seems like the women that responded that they understood why your wife would have did what she did, have done it more than once. Has your wife? You will never know the whole truth of what really happened. I hate to say it but you might want to think worse case senerio, deal with what pain that causes, then when more stuff comes out you won't be back to square one. My ex H started off saying they never had sex, to it only happened once, to it was going on for 3 months but meant nothing and now (after I D him) he is still with her - over a year now.... It would do your W good to read the post of other BS. She will see what pain this causes everyone that it happens to. That healing has a certain process that you just can't side step. I still think about ex's A and it still hursts like crazy. You will learn how to push it away faster and it does get eaiser to manage. I have heard that on a rare occassion an A has made a couple stronger - more attentive and nurturing to the marriage. Don't get down on yourself for obsessing it is part of the process. Hope this helps.
Sherrie