I met my wife when she was in the 5th grade and I was in the 7th. That was when we each had our first "real" kiss. It is a memory I will charish until the day I day and beond, god willing. We started truly dating in high school and dated continuously for 7 years. We got Married and started a family, we have three beautiful children and a successful life. Kind of a Brady Bunch thing. Well she took a new job at the same place I work and within a year I ran accross excessive phone calls and text messages on her phone. (About $700 worth in one month) The majority of the calls were to two different numbers. Turns out they were two phones owned by the same man. I confronted her and in hindsight I can clearly see where she only devulged enough information to make it sound like a close friendship. We went to counseling and she really seemed like she was responding, I changed everything I did, I wanted to make it a point that I loved her more than enything or anyone. I hit all her triggers and she even stated as much in our counseling sessions. She took an new job at a different location which eased my mind but it in fact made each of them more accessible to each other. I thought all ties were severed until 8 month later when I ran accross an email to him. I confronted her again and this time she basically told me the whole story - they never stopped seeing each other, they had sex, they had oral sex, she called in sick on some days to spend time with him, he emailed her pictures of him in Hawaii on their 10 year anniversay, they told eahc other in many emails that they would love each other forever and infinity, etc. They did all this while my communication with her had escelated as if we were newly in love. There were many, many times when I would text her and he would be right there with her when I had no idea, she tells me know. I want to believe all is over but I was betrayed once before I had any idea and I was betrayed again when I did find the high phone bill. What is really filling me is she saw me many times balled up on the bed, in the closet, in her lap, etc. crying and crying. She faked compassion so well that I dont know if I can ever truct her honesty or her compassion again. I need help. My head is not going to do well with this until I do. Oh yeah, about half way through all this I started taking Prozac which I swore I would never do because I was such an advocate against any SSRI unless it was a very spacial cicumstance, I now see inidality as a spacial circumstance.
First let me say that I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It is an awful pain that really never goes away.
It seems that you want to stay in your marriage and if that is the case, it's really up to your wife to do what ever it takes to keep you there.
She should be willing to give you all passwords to emails and cell phones. She should be willing to tell you anything you ask her. She should go out of her way to let you know where & who she is with. She should be eager to do what ever she can to gain your trust back.
Let your wife lead the way. I think you will know what to do by her reactions. If she doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't answer your questions, gets mad or thinks you should "get over it" these are signs in my opinion to get out.
I agree in that she should be willing to be open about everything and willing to share everything. It's terrible to do this but what I did was download free spy ware that will allow you to see what is done on the computer such as passwords, keystrokes, etc. I was able to figure out my husbands passwords because he used easy common words like his mothers name, believe it or not. It was a matter of figuring out simple things like that which helped me to get to the bottom of things despite the fact that he said 'nothing is going on, we're just friends'.
I was able to access the phone account on line and view text messages that were sent, phone calls made, minutes used on phone calls, etc. There is even an infidelity kit that can be used on personal worn items. It all sounds sneaky but all is fair when there is unfairness. I even hid a micro cassette recorder and hide it in the house left, returned to listen to see if anything else was going on.
All of the above is for your closure only and to get to the truth. The last thing to do is to send an E-mail to Cheaters.com and hopefully they'll help.
One note as far as 'not wanting to talk about it'. I've learned it has to do with the reminder of guilt. This pushes more strain on the relationship and can cause bigger separation and can even push your spouse towards the former lover for support. This is my opinion only because I am definitely not a counselor.
I hope for healing in your heart, mind, and soul because it will take time even though it appears there is no end.