I'm new here so I'll try to give you a description of my situation. I have been married for 36 years. About 2 years ago (D-day + October 2004) I discovered a chat transcript that had been accidentaly left on our computer from the night before. It was erotic in nature. I was in shock! My husband's hobby of talking to people from all over the world on instant messenger or icq was in fact a way to meet women. I started checking out his hotmail mail box and found a letter from a woman that led me to understand that he had actually met this woman (from Holland)... and it sounded like they were more than just pen pals. I confronted him with the evidence. He tried to lie at first but almost immediately broke down and told me of his two affairs that he had during the past 3 years. He had planned ski trips to Europe during the time I was unable to accompany him because I'm a teacher. He met them there. Each affair was developed through the instant messenger media and emails. Each affair was with a different woman from different countries.
He gave me a million different reasons for them: having business problems, physical problems... needing to prove he's a man, wanted to help them since their husbands couldn't have sex with them, etc.
In any case, I eventually decided to give him another chance and we resumed our life together within a short time. I erased his instant messenger accounts from our computer.
D-day #2= February 2005. I again found evidence of his chatting on the computer with other women in a sexual manner. I then decided that I wouldn't take him back unless we got MC. He agreed to it because he was afraid I'd really throw him out this time. We went to MC for about 4 months then we went on a long trip together. After the trip we just went back to living our lives. Then I had a new shock...D-day #3 was in April, 2006. I discovered that he had joined a dating site and was looking for a woman for a sexual relationship (I know this because I pretended to be someone on the site and got him to open up to tell what his intentions were in a relationship.)
I was devistated and my trust and belief in him were destroyed. I went to a lawyer and started proceedings. I didn't confront him then but waited for him to get the notice from the court. He was really shocked. Since then we are living in the same house with seperate bedrooms. He wants to stay married but I am doubtful. We are going to mediation but I have to decide for myself what to do. My head says get a divorce... my emotions say "Do you want to live the rest of your life alone!?"
I need someone to tell me their take on this situation.

Diane

No advice on your situation just now. Wanted to let you know that you will probably get more responses if you post on Open or Deeper Healing. This board is usually for issues with the site, not specific personal issues.

Sorry that you find yourself here. I think you will find the support and caring that you need.

Amelisa

Or try the Healing Heart board which is for newly betrayed who are just finding out.  There is a link on the left side of this page, in the upper left side. The mods will probably move this there anyway so that you will get more responses.

WELCOME! I wanted to say I am sorry for your pain and that you find yourself here, but we are glad that you found us. Please feel free to ask questions and post as much as you like.

You ask "when should I give up", if you filed for divorce it sounds like you already have, even if divorce is not what you really want.  I have come to find that you cannot change anyone else.  It is up to them to want change and to seek help to change. It sounds like your H ahs not done anything to change except make promises he couldnt keep. Unless he gets help and figures out why he continues to cheat, he will continue to cheat. Obviously he hasnt figured that out.  Maybe IC (individual counseling) can help in that regard as opposed to MC.  This is his issue and he needs to address it.

Take Care...Carol~

EDITED TO ADD: If your spouse is cheating he really isnt there in the marriage...you are already alone.  I know this sounds harsh, and not what you want to hear.  I have told myself the same things...I dont want to be alone...but I am alone if he is not fully in the marriage.

I am so sorry you find yourself here and want to welcome you to our "family". You have posted your story on the Forum Issues Board (the complaint department ) when you should be on the Healing Heart/Deeper/Open boards. No worries. As soon as Tom or one of the moderators notices your post I am sure they will move it to the best spot for you.

It sounds to me like your H has a big problem he needs to address and get help for. I'm sorry it has come to your filing for a divorce. Is your H willing to get help for this addiction he has????

big hugs and blessings,
Jane

I moved this thread to the Healing board, where more people will be able to read and respond.

http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1155395484

TomJ