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Win A Free XBOX 360 Elite!!!!!!!!
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A website called points2shop.com is a website that allows you to fill out surveys, complete offers, and play games to make money. Each offer/game you complete/win, you make a certain amount of points. Those points are converted to money which you can use to buy thing off of amazon.com, put them into your paypal account, etc. To SinUp, Clck the following link...
http://www.points2shop.com/?ref=uin1254367456
Try it out and let me know what you think. Thanks.
For some reason the remembrance of the old Nude Nation for bizzaro Diablo I players popped into my head so I googled to see if any remnants of it still existed....and found this mostly defunct forum. So, If any of my old cohorts happen to come nosing around, this greeting is for you. If you want to virtually say hello, create an Alliance character in realm Ursin of WoW and look for an odd little gnome mage named Gowron. Here's to old times of cursed nuditity!
WW
PS: I miss my old Frog's Staff of Heal Other, drained of course.
I still play Diablo original, or at least I did...I cannot seem to connect to Battle.net anymore. It keeps telling me it cannot identify my version and that I might have a computer virus.
The idea is - if anyone still reads this forum - that anyone still playing out there could reply with their info if they're looking to play with other legits (non cheaters). I never really see anyone on anymore but i know some people like to play private games to stay away from all the cheating that goes on in diablo 1.
Ya i just started playing again Char is level 19 Rouge im on US East PS: Channel Diablo Le on US East some times has other legits in it ya name is 2cizzle
I just started playing again but if anyone is still out there and likes to play legit, look me up. I'm playing a sorc (lvl 17 right now)named Malistdor on uswest.
Lvl 39 now. I still haven't seen any legits playing.
The search for gear seems to be going agonizingly slow this time around for some reason. My setup looks like:
Helm: Obsidian helm of sorcery 40/16
Armor: Naj's light plate
Weapon: Arch-Angel's staff of sorcery 19
Shield:
Amulet: Serpent's amulet of the heavens 30/14
Ring: Dragon's ring of wizardry 53/23
Ring: Obsidian ring of the heavens 35/14
I think this is the longest I've ever been wearing a staff, but i just can't seem to find any worth while shields and i still haven't found dreamflange. So right now I'm still looking for a lot of gear (a nice obsidian or emerald shield, thinking cap, dream flange, better rings/amu would be nice too, and and a couple bountiful of apoc staffs :)). I still try and keep items i would like to have for a few other character's i should be starting after i get 40+. A LAW, tank warrior, tank mage, and a rogue. It's almost impossible to mule anything with no one playing anymore. The good thing is i haven't found anything worth muling so i don't really have a problem yet.
Anyway, I'm still on uswest, still playing Malistdor. Look me up
Hi Mal
I play mostly multiplayer direct connect (the multi on single player trick)
I'm real busy with WoW at the mo, but I may start my mage on B.net
and see if your on, I'm in the GMT+12 timezone so still not much chance of seeing you on.
hi all
lvl26 warrior trying to get past the second lvl of hell/normal
got 74% res all, 108% to hit, and around 100 AC, got max magic and dex (yay for elixers) low vitality (working on it) and 101 strength (at work so cant get exact numbers on my vitality and HP, HP is around 140? 160?)
been trying to buy a kins sword of anything from gris for a long time now, and never seen one spawn. do I have to go to wirt? or do I need to lvl up more?
any suggestions to getting some better gear or good places to look for uniques and jewelery ( all my res is from one ring sheild (40%) and helm (24%?))
thanks in advance
dont know if anyone still reads this forum but might aswell update.
bought a nice +77% 60AC Plate armour last night, and now the overlords and most other melee in lvl6 nightmare cant land a hit on me, so I'm doing farming runs of lvl 5 and 6, soon to go to 7 and beyond. got to lvl 27 and started to see knights prefix items at gris, and even saw a kings staff of speed at the witch.
going to also farm lvl 2 and 3 nightmare hoping for a Helm of Spirits, while saving gold for elixers of strength and my kings sword of speed/haste. also on the look out for a jade/obsidian shield of the wolf. soon to be collecting +magic items (reading glasses) to get teleport and a few higher lvls of my spells, being able to cast heal efficiently from blues would make hell alot easier.
I'm a legit player, no backups, no hacks, playing diablo 1 retail version 1.09, this is my first multiplayer warrior past lvl10, and I have never before played long enough to complete the game.
I have yet to see past the second lvl of hell :P
I would love to try a mage or a rogue, or even a variant or mod char but I'm playing the warrior on a challenge from a friend when he heard that I was playing D1 as a warrior he said that a warrior couldnt complete the game, it was impossible, and that you would gouge your own eyes out from bordem before you even came close. I'm attempting to prove him wrong, and enjoying the class and the callenges it brings.
And first - Killing Diablo in normal hell should be very easy, with any class, even with most heavily restricted variants. All you need is determination and a little know how. There is a lot of information inside the back pages of this forum, or go to RBD, Realms Beyond Diablo, it should give you a good start. http://realmsbeyond.net/diablo/cd.html
Good luck on your first kill :)
--------------------------------------
Anyone happen to have Jarulf's Guide version 1.20? Or happen to know around what time it was written, which Diablo version would it correspond to?
wow, thanks so much, that Realms beyond diablo site is awesome.
I plan to get back to my Warrior tonight, and get a few things sorted out, he really needs that kings sword of haste, and some better resistance jewels, so he can take off his obsidian shield, for a high AC shield with extra +hit points.
more updates to come :P
Great to see people actually posting here hehe.
Zerker what gateway do you play and what name do you use?
if you play in us east, look me up, the name is duner.
so after switching around my gear, and doing a bit more griswold shopping, I couldnt seem to get my AC much above 100, without sacrificing my resists, and I found I had too much str magic, and not enough dex and vita, so I decided to start again from scratch.
New warrior's name is Slayer (couldn't think of anything :( )
str 56
magic 23
dex 58
vita 51.
I have a lot of +hit points gear and a schaffers hammer.
not so good against light immunes, but good enough.
I'm currently doing church in Nightmare, and making heaps of gold, saving up for elixer and book shopping, also need to get some reading glasses (+magic setup) to get teleport and stone curse. biggest thing right now is getting str up to wear plate (going for 65str) and hoping like crazy that some +resist all rings/amulets drop.
I'll be keeping the schaffer's till gris starts to sell some Lord's or Kings bastard swords, then will grab one and continue to shop for that king's bastard sword of haste/speed. also hoping to get a helm of spirits for later, so I can go into caves with kings bastard sword of vampire/bat (the Mana leech one) and HOS, to just stay down there and farm xp.
finally hit lvl 26 with the new warrior, and could buy some elixirs, all the gold I saved up got spent on items at gris though.
heres what he is wearing right now
Blessed helm of giants
Plate of Harmony (73 base def)
blessed shield of the wolf
Mithril sword of power (Bastard sword)
Topaz ring of brilliance
Amber ring of vigor
spiders amulet of dexterity
Stats:
142 armor
140% to-hit
35-44 damage
80/112 str
29/41 mag
60/65 dex
58/74 vita
249 hp
81 mana
and 33% resist all
I figure a kings/masters bastard sword (or even a lords, what ever I can get to increase my damage without lowering my to-hit too much) and something like a blessed FPM, and a few more +magic and +str elixirs should have this poor guy running the lower lvls of normal/hell to get some better resist rings and amulet.
for now, more church runs, as I can make alot of money in a short amount of time, and don't have to freak out about Black deaths.
interesting side note, if you try to go onto Bnet with an existing multiplayer char and select create new account, it will re-name your char.
My warrior is now named WNxZerker (WNx is my clan tag for Warrior Nation, and Zerker is my online name)
Well, I have finally done it.
just watched the end movie, and I must say, I never new they were planning a sequel right from the start :P.
heres my Chars stats.
str :89/106
magic: 41/41
dex: 60/79
vita: 68/84
Armour: 204
To-hit: 185%
Damage:39-61
Resist: 56% all
life: 273
Mana: 68
gear:
Helm :blessed helm of giants
Amulet: amulet of precision (19)
armour: blessed plate (91%, 70 ac)
shield: blessed shield of the wolf
Rings: obsidian (37%) amber ring of vigor (19%, 16)
Weapon: king's sword of speed (a broad sword, not a bastard sword :( )
Lvl 28.
lvl 13 and 14, was mostly melee, so I made alot of gold, and saved alot on pots, made good use of stone curse on lvl 15, was mostly ranged, with a few blood knights for flavor.
Lvl 16 was treacherous but not overly difficult. I proximity pulled all the blood knights around corners, and finished them off, and then charged into the packs of Advocates, retreating when blood knights appeared. by charging around, rather than trying to stone curse, I forced the Advocates to teleport around, while they were teleporting, they couldn't hit me and I took less damage.
Laz and the other uniques where cake with a stun recovery lock from the KSOS, I would have been toast without the new weapon and res ring though. with this setup, I didn't die once, and could have been alot less careful. only thing that would have really given me trouble was lava maws.
Diablo went down in short order, I Pulled him out of his room by accident, as he came out with the first wave of Advocates. I took him around a few corners, took some big hits from him, then closed the gap, and stun locked him to death.
much easier than I thought it would have been, but then again, all the stuff that still remains out there about this game is aimed at hell difficulty.
I hope this thread will help other young warriors, find their way through this game.
Next plan is to get to 50, while I play a little bit of hellfire (this char will remain Classic (I have two installs of Diablo, one is hellfire the other is not) ) plan to get a barb to kill the end boss, and then hit him 50 as well. all going well, I may try a bard, I had a quick play around with one, but they seem a little too fragile till you get their hit rating high.
This is a Neverwinter Nights mod from a few years back. In a nutshell Hellfire with the NWN/DnD rules. It's pretty good so far, and really does highlight the differences between the two rulesets. Since 2/3rds of our variants were DnD based, it's interesting to see what really happens when you combine the two.
It's all there Griswold, Leo, Cain, and Gillian. Also, you can hire the orignal War, Rogue, Monk and Sorc. The Warrior is named Jarulf.
Characters:
Chela Lot Barbarian/Fighter Soloist,
Olia Lot Sorceress w Jarulf
That was really difficult. A salute to Moriah's Latona, the first AMZ-LOL.
I was going to make Marisa a Jungle Amazon, but I'm glad I didn't after finding two platemails of the stars. A +10 and then a +11. All in all a lot of great gear. It almost doesn't feel like LoL, until the potion runs remind me. Earlier today, I ran out of potions attacking Laz, finally nailing him with just 44 hp remaining and an empty tank. Cheated out of killing Diablo, I was back in Laz's office this evening after finding a Shadowhawk to compliment my sword of the bat.
With no Teleport, it took a few Phases to randomly arrive over the wall to the pentagram. When level 16 loaded it was the dream setup, and after the prep a little zap of lightning brought in the big red guy. Sort of wished I hadn't, -he really slapped Marisa around. At 1/3rd of a belt I guiltily put out a couple of firewalls. Totally unessesary, the Shadowhawk had done it's work.
I'm not the greatest LoL player, that's for sure. If It takes too much time to kill a guy, I'll just fry him wth a spell, powered by a potion, that I have to go get another one to replace...
It's 10 years too late! It's a collection of variants for Classic Diablo!
Tag: SIGIL
A Sigil (rhymes with giggle) is someone from the City of Doors, AKA 'The Cage' a doughnut shaped town on a stick at the centre of the universe. While a Sigilite/ian might be new in Tristram, he's from mechanical city connected to every plane of existence. Needless to say, he'll have seen a lot of strange things.
Aside from his odd speech and colourful, often spiked clothing, Sigils are also easy to spot because of their magical tattoos. They also tend to stay in role as either Warriors, Rogues or Sorcerors. It pays to specialize:
Warrior: No spells from memory. No scrolls except Town Portal. Staves are OK. Unlike the others, He can wear any helm, and wield a warhammer.
Rogue: Can cast Heal, Heal other, Phase, and Telekinesis from memory, and can read scrolls. She can use any staff too.
Sorceror: He can cast any spell and use any scroll or staff. As a result, he doesn't need a tattoo.
In Sigil, loose metal is rare. Trying to peel metal off the city quickly results in death or inprisonment in an extradimentional maze. Social convention also frowns on clanking around in a tin can attracting thieves. For example, a renowned Warrior might only wear a loincloth and brass knuckles. Our Sigilians aren't comfortable using large amouts of metal equipment either.
Armour: Sigils will proudly wear rags, but anything up to Studded leather is OK. (Your graphic should always be robe, underwear or 'jeans')
Axes are symbolic and really useful. Any can be used.
Bows are also fine.
Clubs up to mace is OK, as are mauls. Warriors get hammers
Helms from cap to helm are ok as are crowns. Warriors get even greathelms
Shields are almost unheard of in Sigil, but you can use Bucklers and small shields.
Staves are ok, and very useful.
Swords. Rare in sigil, but everyone can use a dagger or short sword.
Rings and amulets are stylish, especially when enchanted.
Visiting shrines is encouraged. Consider even Facinating, Ornate, or Sacred shrines as a low-level Warrior or Rogue. You'll be able to cast the spells you learned for the price.
Magical tattoos. One of the interesting spots in Sigil is Fell's tatto parlour. For those that dare visit, a magical tattoo can be impressed to the skin. Here are 3 that can be used in Tristram but you can only choose one:
Mark of the Smoldering Corpse: Commemorates the pyromaniac wizard Ignus's capture and imprisonment by the wizards of the Hive . Activate your tattoo by fighting a boss while standing in a cross or corpse fire. At any time thereafter, you may summon Ignus's mad shade who will seek out the nearest opponent. (can cast Elemental)
Collector's Tattoo: The untouchable Collectors gather every day in Ragpicker's Square to scour the City of Doors. Remember their efforts by playing a game living off the land. Don't spend any gold in town, and the spirit of a poor Collector will come to you when you need. (Bone Spirit)
Scar of Grief: Every scar has a memory attached to it. The touch of a Black Death awakens the knowlege of Bloodstar.
Designers notes and characters.
yeah, I miss playing Planescape ; ) These are basically just Woody's Archtypical Characters spiffed up with a backstory, stripped and then given tattoos. I tried to implement Tieflings and Aasimar (demon-human and angel-human) but only got as far as +1 Magic/lvl for both with -light'evil' and + dex for Tiefling/ +light 'good' and +vit for Aasimar. Sorry about the Sorceror, but unless you're playing Muscle Mage, you win anyway. He's mostly there for multiclassing.
My Sigil Warrior Duygu is lvl 25, dotted, and wears jade and obsidian helm, armour with:
Lords club of Gore -shot Lazarus with Eaglhorn.
Emerald buckler of Ages -Bought from Wirt
Garnet amulet of the Zodiac -Lucky, lucky find from a chest on lvl 15.
Crap rings. Giants, dexterity. I want gold so badly.
Duygu does well on Level 16. Bloodknights are slow, and resists help with advocates. Plus, you can take them on one at a time using your tattoo or a bow.
"A Sigil (rhymes with giggle) is someone from the City of Doors,"
sigil/vigil is a closer rhyme than sigil/giggle.
"While a Sigilite/ian might be new in Tristram, he's from mechanical city connected to every plane of existence."
I'm not sure what a citizen of Sigil is called, if it even has citizens, but common slang is "berk" or "cutter."
"Warrior: No spells from memory. No scrolls except Town Portal."
TP is quite apropos. Are Warriors supposed to be Godsmen?
"Visiting shrines is encouraged. Consider even Facinating, Ornate, or Sacred shrines as a low-level Warrior or Rogue. You'll be able to cast the spells you learned for the price."
I imagine Sensates would especially like shrines. New experiences are always worth the price.
Over all, my Planescape lore is too rusty to suggest much... but there is a hell of a lot of lore to be had, to the point where this variant could become arbitrarily complicated. But simplicity is easier to play. I will say that I don't quite yet see the Planescape archetypes you've crafted, but that could be because I haven't played PS:T in at least a year.
This variant's got me wanting to play Torment... *mouse hand twitches*
That's what I used to think. Mostly because of the spelling, But it's the basis for 'the laugh' as in "laugh and giggle" which is really Victorian slang like a lot of the Planescape flavour.
I'm not sure what a citizen of Sigil is called, if it even has citizens, but common slang is "berk" or "cutter."
'ite'is resident for 3 generations, the other denotes the person considers Sigil their home.
"Warrior: No spells from memory. No scrolls except Town Portal."
:TP is quite apropos. Are Warriors supposed to be Godsmen?
I left out factions for sanity's sake. Although I did consider a Harmonium Guard character. I agonized over giving Rogues TP from memory, but decided not to.
"Visiting shrines is encouraged. Consider even Facinating, Ornate, or Sacred shrines as a low-level Warrior or Rogue. You'll be able to cast the spells you learned for the price."
:I imagine Sensates would especially like shrines. New experiences are always worth the price.
Agreed.
:Over all, my Planescape lore is too rusty to suggest much... but there is a hell of a lot of lore to be had, to the point where this variant could become arbitrarily complicated. But simplicity is easier to play. I will say that I don't quite yet see the Planescape archetypes you've crafted, but that could be because I haven't played PS:T in at least a year.
I just wanted the classes to be old D&D like, and also not a cakewalk. I suppose giving them each a faction/faction system would give them a bit more depth. Planecape really shines in terms of dialogue and situation, and both of those don't apply well to Diablo. If you have suggestions, I'm listening. That's how I work: a little now to see if anyone reads/cares/plays and more later if they do.
This variant's got me wanting to play Torment... *mouse hand twitches*
Torment won't run on my current computer, but I'm working on it.
Hey I'm going to play some d1 again and was curious about whether any of you would like to start a new character and play with me. if anyone is interested please reply w/ your msn or aim name and we'll set up some games! Note, if you post your msn name type out "dot" to avoid spam. e.g. bob@hotmail dot com
Hi there,
I've been playing some Diablo 1 lately. I'd be most interested in a few games, but they'd have to be ironman games. I've been looking for a skilled ironman partner for weeks now.
Don't know if anyone still uses this forum, but thought I'd give it a shot.
I deleted Diablo and just manually recovered the .drv files(older character files, I'm actually wondering if I have the right ones considering 1.09 had the .sv extension for character files). I now am on a different computer without the original registry entries for Diablo, and I would like to restore these files, in hope that my lvl47 mage is somewhere there. I've tried renaming, restoring with Kevin's Diablo Backup(not working), using different patches... The character files have the exact same size(both the .sv and the .drv).
you can get access to the chars but it requires some work. The old registry is not needed but you need to know the exact computer/host name your old pc had when you saved the chars. Without the correct name you are out of luck.
1. you need a Diablo installation that still uses .drv format, 1.07 or older. Either downgrade your install or do a un- and reinstall, then patch it up to 1.07 manually. Don't patch it via b.net, you get version 1.09 this way. For older patches goto http://ftp.blizzard.com/pub/diablo/patches/
2. put the .drv files into the old save directory (was \windows\system i think)
3. start Diablo, select Multiplayer on Direct Cable Connection and see if you can access your chars. If you can't you need to change your computer's name (requires reboot) until you can.
4. upgrade Diablo by connecting to b.net. During the upgrade your .drv files get converted to .sv files into your Diablo directory.
...it was Windows/System, not the root Windows directory. You are right. I will try that.
It's odd though, I have 10 chars saved as .drv files but I only recall playing D online via BNet, and only making one or two test chars for single player just to get the hang of the game quick...I do remember my old computer name, or I can guess it in a few tries, I just have to try using the /System dir.
Weird how noone came up with an util for this though. There are several backup utils...
Thanks, and maybe catch you tomorrow for a game? I just got home. I have my e-mail posted here, so you can use that to get in touch.
What a surprise .. checking thru old links i find the good ol' BNM Forum is still here!
Being not that active at forums anymore then in my D1 times i at least throw in a "Hail" to all comrades, old new and those to come. I'm in D2 Classic/LoD HC now, but lately hey i've even been thinkin' about playing a few games of D1 again. Morgane's thought of an anniversary game and such sounds pretty appealing to me.
You can catch me either in RBD games or on public by my old trusty account Dr.`Disaster (too bad b.net refuses to create those special char names anymore ;).
Prolly a good reason why i can't catch most of you is an outdated /f list. Updates are most welcome :)
i'm glad to see there are still Diablo 1 forums still active with people who love the game... i'm always under the name HellFollows
My legit rogue:
Lvl 36 / 3rd dot at 35
Royal Circlet
Saintly Plate of Precision
Kings Sword Of Heavens/Strange Sword Of Haste/Dreamflange
Strange Bow of Heavens/Needler
Stormshield/Emerald Shield of Ages
Dragons/Drakes rings of heavens
Obsidian Amulet of Zodiac
I love this game. Easily in my top 5. Single play is almost exausted for me, but I'd play more often if public wasn't so disgusting/impossible. Variants night is the cure for that, but are there enough players? A 10th anniversary game would be amazing : )
...is that it is wide open (no mod tools). There are certainly administrator tools, but I forgot the user name/password I created this board with a long time ago so any smacktard that stumbles by can essentially post any inane bit of crap they choose. If this board were to experience a resurgance, the smacktard quotient would go up exponentially.
More importantly, I recently mixed some vanilla bean ice cream (Edy's) with sesame seeds from Stella D'oro and cinnamon crunch pudding cake from Foodtown.
just started playing diablo again (last time i played was in high school.) Is there anyway to co op and look for people who still play old school diablo?
i just started again too... haven't played since high school either...
... it's definitely slow on battle.net ... much more so than the last time i logged on... but, really, it didn't take me too awful long to find a couple of people to coop with...
if you are looking for diablo legit players... there seem to be more on us-east than west. the most commonly used channel at the moment for legits is "Diablo Le" there are a few bots that are always in the channel that allow you to see who has been there last, just read the bot's descriptions to find out how they work.
Now, with Woody's permission, I can finally share the copy of the old site I've saved. With a couple of missing bits*, it's just the way it was in 1997 with the original variant rules etc. The message board even links back here. I'll keep the site up permenently, hopefully as a listed mirror from an orignal, revived Asylum.
*I decided to leave the stories here, Woody's tower and Woody's Arsenal are out of my hands.
For example, under Vikings the old picture is missing. Thank God this Variant is now back online, as I am the only one I know who still has a copy of that variant printed out (spilled on and half-eaten by my rabbit, but still legible!).
"For example, under Vikings the old picture is missing. Thank God this Variant is now back online, as I am the only one I know who still has a copy of that variant printed out (spilled on and half-eaten by my rabbit, but still legible!)."
For some reason, the art didn't come through. Annoying but livable. Still, I'll try and find out what went wrong. In the meantime, thanks to God and Woody, we have the original variants back. The only other caveat (not that it matters much now) is that nearly all of these variants got updates, notes, and other additions over the years, fortunately, most of that material is in Lem's variant zip, but a great deal more of it is buried here.
See The Adventures of Woody and Hairy for a prologue...
on with the story...
Woody and the Snakes: Part 1 – Sliders and Warm Beer
Woody and the Snakes; a tale in progress.
Part 1 – Sliders and Warm Beer
Morden surveyed the array of foods and spices before him. All required ingredients for his next masterpiece were in place. All except for one…
“Garlic! Zair is not enough garlic!” he bemoaned. “Well, zis cannot do! No, no, no, no, no. I must get more at once.”
Garlic was Morden’s favorite spice, virtually every dish he concocted was ripe with it. A trait that endeared him to more than one member of Snakegod. He untied the knot at his waist that kept his apron in place, removed his apron, neatly folded it, and laid it a counter. He took cooking very seriously and aprons were for cooking, not for fetching supplies.
Walking to the back of the kitchen Morden passed through a door that led to the cellars. The magnificent Clan Hall of Snakegod had many such cellars, but this one was Morden’s favorite. Some of the cellars were places of Arcane Lore and some were the resting places of stores of magnificent weapons and armor. This particular cellar was neither, it was not only the wine cellar, but also a pantry of sorts. A pantry where Morden kept his prized stash of garlic, hidden behind a loose stone under a fake keg of spirits. He whistled a happy tune as he descended the cold stair. Torches and braziers were lit at various intervals to light his way. Having made this journey a thousand times before, he paid very little attention to where he was going.
“Ouch!”
“Oh my,” came Morden’s startled reply. “What is zis?”
“Zis is me Morden, Woody.”
Morden looked closely at the pile of rags that had spoken to him. The voice he recognized, it belonged to one of the newest members of Snakegod, a silly little Mage that looked so completely ridiculous in his vast array of dilapidated equipment that Morden had liked him from the start. Not because of the way he looked, but because of the way he carried himself. Almost like royalty. As a grin spread across Morden’s face, the pile of rags at his feel began to unfurl with feline grace. Soon, familiar shapes began to form. Head. Legs. Torso. It was Woody alright. After one big stretch, and a helping hand from Morden, Woody was on his feet and the two Magi were face-to-face regarding each other.
“Woody, I am so sorry for stepping on your…”
“Head, Morden. You stepped on my head.” Woody finished the sentence.
Morden was horrified. “Oh my! Zis will not do! No, no, no, no, no. Please, let me make it up to you! I will cook you a special meal and everything will be good, yes?”
Woody shrugged. “Sure big guy, I could go for a bite.”
Morden looked immediately relieved and clapped Woody on the back. “First,” Morden said. “I must get some garlic. Yes?”
“Yes.”
Woody followed as Morden led him deeper into the cellar. As they walked, Morden inquired why Woody would be sleeping in such a place when, now that he was a member of Snakegod, had a suite of his own in the upper levels of the Keep.
“I don’t know,” Woody hesitated. “I guess it just sort of fits me. I haven’t known you for that long, so I guess you just wouldn’t understand. Not yet anyways. The rooms are nice, don’t get me wrong, but they’re just so CLEAN and ORDERLY. I just can’t take it, does that make sense?”
Morden nodded that it did, even though he had no idea what the Mage was talking about. The rest of their time in the cellar was pretty much spent in silence, each Mage immersed in his own thoughts. Aside from one very violent bit of vomiting on Woody’s part (he and Cohen had tied one on last night), the trip was swift and successful. Soon both Magi were back in the kitchen.
Having laid the garlic he had retrieved from the dungeon in it’s proper place on the counter, Morden picked up his apron and gingerly tied it around his waist. He neatly folded the sleeves of his robe and prepared to cook yet another great work of art. One that surely would dazzle Woody beyond any experience that he had had before. One that would be savored for a lifetime. One that would live on in glory as the greatest meal ever ingested by this Mage. One that would take him to such culinary delights that he would surely drop to the ground and grovel at the feet of the Master Chef that had deemed him worthy enough to cook for! ONE THAT WOULD…..”
“YO! Morden!” Woody shouted while he waved his hand in front of Morden’s face. “You still with me Champ? You kinda drifted off for a bit…what was her name, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“’uh?”
“Her name. The girl that you were just thinking about. Judging by the silly look on your face, I just assumed that you were thinking of some sweet-smelling gal. Was it Gillian? I’d understand that. Gillian is soooo damn HOT! Why, just the thought of her wearing…”
*Ahem* Morden ahemed. He didn’t really want to hear Woody finish that sentence. Besides, he was thinking of food not women. Women were fine and dandy, but food was Morden’s first love.
Morden got to work. As he measured and mixed and kneaded, a thought occurred to Woody.
“You know, Big Guy, I think you deserve a break. You work to much, slaving away like you do for the Snakes, when’s the last time someone cooked for you?”
“What? Cook for me?” Morden blinked in confusion. “Zis will not do. You do not ‘ave the training to ‘andle ze cooking utensils in ‘ere. My grandfather gave me zis stuff. It wouldn’t be proper…”
“Proper, shmoper. Just slow down a bit there Sparky. I wouldn’t dream of using your pots and pans and what-nots. I’m no master chef, I’ll admit that. But what I have is something better!”
“Better?”
“Better. Tell me, have you ever heard of Sliders?”
“No,” came Morden’s hesitant reply.
“Good!” Woody exclaimed with a grin. As Morden stood dumbfounded, unaware of what was to come, Woody plopped his moldy rucksack on the table and began to root through it. Before long, he had drawn forth a paper sack that was so stained in grease that one could hardly discern it’s original color. He also produced a large, brown bottle with some sort of amber liquid in it.
“There you go Snapper-Head!” Woody chortled. “Sliders and a 40 of Hams!”
*Sniff* Morden sniffed. A foul aroma had assaulted his sense of smell. Woody stood before him beaming. Morden’s mind raced…how was he going to get out of this without offending his new clan-mate. “Please, Woody. Zis will not do. No, no, no, no, no. I will cook for you, it is what I do best. Please don’t…”
He never uttered another word.
Woody ripped open the greasy sack and produced a square sandwich looking thingy and shoved it into Morden’s mouth.
Morden began to hack and gag.
Before Morden could spit out the vile concoction, Woody had removed the top from the bottle and shouted with joy “Cannon-Ball!!! Cannon-Ball commin’!!!” Woody shoved the bottle into Morden’s mouth and tilted the bottle, before Morden could spit out the “Slider” and was forced to drink the foul liquid.
Morden’s hacks and gags increased in their violence.
Time became a blur, it was all happening too fast. Morden’s new reality was Slider-Hams-Slider-Hams. The whole time, in between each alternating putrid sensation, Woody was there yelling “Cannon-ball! Cannon-Ball commin’!!”
Finally the pain had stopped. Morden had ingested everything that Woody had forced on him and now he began to regain his senses. Woody stood before him, grinning a stupid little grin and eating one of those hell-spawned sandwiches and washing it down with Hams beer.
“Pretty damn good huh?” Woody said with a mouth full of food. “See, sliders are truly an American cuisine. Most people I know only find they have a taste for them at like 2am or so. Not me! I love ‘em! And this beer. Have you ever tasted better? They pretty much quit making it a while back, said some crap about nobody buying it. Well, not me, no sir, I LOVE IT! I found an old warehouse in Arizona, in the desert, that has hundreds and hundreds of cases of the stuff. Just sitting there in the hot sun, waiting for me, all for me!”
Morden began to feel a stir. A bad one. He could feel his face flushing with each ridiculous word this Mage spoke. He had found his anger and it arose in his throat like bile. Oh, what he would do to this Mage for the pains he had suffered. He began to feel lightning surge through the air and venom was boiling in his veins. What a shame that it had to happen here, in his beloved kitchen. But there was no recourse, this Mage had to die. Violently.
Woody saw the storm brew in Morden’s face. He wasn’t sure what had happened just now that would set Morden off like this but he sure as hell knew trouble when he saw it. Trouble stood before him. “Now, now, what’s this then? Get a bad one did you? No problem-O, I’ve got plenty more, just let me get one for you, heck, I’ll taste it first ok?”
Woody had a hand in the sack as Morden unleashed his fury. Being that he was a bit prepared, as soon as Morden began the incantations of destruction, Woody grabbed the Sliders, the Hams and his moldy sack and took off at a dead run.
“Thanks for the fun Morden,” Woody called over his shoulder. “Gotta be going now!”
At the last second, as Woody turned away from him and ran, Morden checked himself and cancelled the spell he was casting. “Zis will not do! No, no, no, no, no! I will not destroy that which I ‘old dear for zis man. I will let my grandfather help me!” Morden picked up one of his grandfathers pots and said “Grandfather, help me. Be true this day, guide my ‘and.” Morden pulled his arm back and threw the pot with all his might at the retreating Mage.
Splat was getting hungry.
He and Ridcully had been pouring over a set of newly acquired tomes for the last several hours and he was losing focus. He needed food.
“Where are you going?” Asked Ridcully.
“Oh, I’m just going up to the kitchen for a bite to eat. Want anything?”
“Nah.”
Splat walked with a purpose and in no time at all, he had walked down the hall that led to the kitchen and raised his hand to open the door…
*BLAMO*
Splat had raised his hand about half way when the door burst open. The swing of the door took him by surprise and he was flung against the wall. As he hit the wall, a blur of rags fluttered before his eyes and a silver shape, traveling at a great velocity struck the ragged form at the level of Splat’s eyes. Splat heard something that sounded like “Ouch” followed by a wet thud.
For several seconds, Splat was motionless. He waited patiently for the door to swing shut, not out of patience but out of wisdom. The string of obscenities comming from the kitchen burned his ears and he’d just as soon go hungry as walk through that door.
“Aw man,” Splat bemoaned. “I’m so damn hungry I could eat a…a…something BIG, that’s for sure! Crap. No way I’m going in there, Morden seems about ready to take off someone’s head and I sure don’t want it to be mine. Guess I’ll just have to…hey? What’s this?” Splat noticed a small, grease stained paper sack sitting on the floor at his feet. “Helll-o, what have we here?”
***
Morden had calmed down a bit. He had shoved a full clove of garlic into his mouth and the sweet taste had helped to relax him.
Suddenly, he froze.
A sensation was forming in his mouth unlike any other. A sensation of pure rapture. A sensation of velvety ecstasy that was tantalizing his taste buds. The thought shocked him.
“Oh my!” He said in a throaty voice. “Yes! Zis will do quite nicely! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Iz all that they lack! Garlic!”
Morden had found a few of the Sliders that had fallen out of Woody’s bag as he fled on the floor. He quickly added an obscene amount of Garlic to each burger he found and ate voraciously. Soon, he was VERY thirsty and he eye’d the bottle of Hams beer on the counter.
“Zis will NOT do!” Morden wandered over to a cabinet where he kept a small stash of wine and popped a cork. “Mmmmmm,” was the only sound that came from the kitchen over the next several minutes as Morden became one with the Slider.
*Sniff* Ridcully sniffed. “What the HELL is that smell!?!”
“Oh man, Rid, you just gotta try one of these things…THEY’RE AWESOME!”
“I’ll pass thankyouverymuch.”
Woody sat on the corner of Shift’s bed She was good to him and he always seemed to seek her out when in a time of need. He needed her now.
“My God, Woody. What happened to your head? That’s one HELL of a big goose-egg ya got growing there.”
Shift was wrapping some ice in a cloth and she gently applied it to Woody’s injury.
“Don’t ask my sweet, don’t ask…”
====================================
Woody and the Snakes part Two-Point-One: Who’s that girl!
It was a warm sunny day. Woody sat in the courtyard of the Snakegod Castle enjoying the moment. He had at his side, a bag of “Sliders” and a few bottles of warm Ham’s beer. All in all, his impromptu picnic was going beautifully. His thoughts wandered. He was a tad melancholy over the defection of Shaft to the Tarot Clan. Not that he had anything against the Tarot Clan, quite the opposite in fact. It was just that she was one of the driving forces that had prompted him into joining Snakegod. Her and Lok and Lok was gone as well. ‘Oh well,’ he thought. He had made many friends in the meantime and took a degree of solace in that. When he thought of his games of “catch” with Odysseus, his mood cheered up immensely. “Catch” was a game that Woody like to play with unsuspecting companions. It wasn’t *too* painful and it usually made him laugh till his sides hurt. To date, “catch” was the *only* good use he’d found for the Blood Star spell.
Woody’s thoughts focused on the task at hand. That task was savoring his Sliders and Warm Beer. He was just about to shove a burger into his mouth when Strech and his squire appeared at the far end of the courtyard. Woody was about to hail the warrior, but Stretch had his mind set to some serious task and Woody assumed his call would go unheeded.
Stretch crossed the courtyard and made straight for the front gates.
“Hmmmm,” Woody hmmmm’d. “Must be some visitors today.”
His fingers twitched as he gave voice to some words of power and an ethereal ‘day-planer’ appeared in the air before him. It floated a foot or so in front of his face. As he looked at the initial page, it was months behind the current date and the out of date page was filled with ‘to-do’s’.
“Good afternoon day-planner, would you be so kind as to show me today’s activities.”
The dayplanner flitted and fluttered and in short order, the current day was on display. Then the day-planner addressed him. “you have no activities scheduled for today, you have one-thousand-three hundred-fifty-two past events still awaiting action. These actions include, from oldest to newest:”
“Bathe,
Trim nose hair,
Trim eyebrows,
Compliment Gillian,
Innocuously cop-a-feel off the nearest sexy rogue,
Begin phase one of ‘Gut-be-gone’ workout program,
Try out the coffee enema that’s all the rage,
Call your mom…”
Woody waved a dismissive hand and the day-planner vanished.
With his field of vision now unobstructed, he saw Stretch greet some visitors and then turn his horse away to tend other matters. His squire stayed behind and led the visitors right past his shady haven and on too the main keep.
Woody took in the strangers. The squire he dismissed offhand. He’d seen him about and he was every bit as stoic as Stretch. Bound to duty and all that crap. He’d make a fine knight someday, Woody was sure of it. But he’d be a boor to the end, Woody was sure of that too.
Next came an older gentleman. He was very distinguished and a little dangerous looking. Old for sure, but Woody laid immediate odds that the guy could whip many-a-Snakes ass. ‘I won’t be crossing him’ Woody thought to himself.
Last came a vision from the heavens above. A flame haired beauty that had stolen Woody’s heart without a word spoken. She was perfect in every regard. The fact that she looked at the same time vulnerable and deadly made Woody’s heart race. Gillian, shmillian, this was the woman of his dreams.
Woody watched in a dream like state as his Angel crossed the courtyard and disappeared into the main keep. He wolfed down the remainder of his lunch and drifted off to a blissful slumber as thoughts of his Angel danced in his head…
********************
“OOOPHHH”, Woody ooophhh’d. The ooophhhh was followed immediately by all of the air in his lungs leaving said lungs at a great velocity. Immediately after that, he felt a sharp pain in his midsection. As his vision progressed from blurry to partly-blurry, he became aware of two ominous figures towering over him.
“Uhhh, Cohen? Kari? What gives?”
“Ah, shaddap you little puke. We’re here to take you in”, Kari growled.
Woody had always been something special when it came to clarity of purpose. He could go from befuddled to alert at the drop of a hat if the circumstances were right. These circumstances were indeed right. In a microsecond, Woody evaluated the situation, realized the seriousness of the threat before him, snapped out of his lethargy and began a casting of a teleport spell.
“No, no, no. None of that.” Cohen said as soon as Woody’s hands started moving. With those words hanging in the air, Cohen reached down and clasped a necklace around Woody’s neck. As the clasp closed, Woody felt all of his precious mana reserves disappear in an instant. The spell died in his throat. His energy depleted.
“Now,” Cohen continued nonchalantly while Kari scowled. “Be a good little Wizard and come along quietly or I’ll let Kari run you through.”
“Could someone please tell me what the hell is goin…”
A glance from Kari cut off Woody’s sentence badda-bing.
Woody walked with the two Gronks. He was thoroughly confused but realized that he’d be dead or worse if he gave them any gruff. He was more than a little wounded by this treatment. Although he was sure that there MUST be some misunderstanding that would be resolved promptly, the thought of his “friends” treating him so callously had left him numb. He followed nonetheless and soon he was lead to the dungeons and incarcerated. Cohen removed the necklace, shackled Woody to a far wall and turned on his heel and left. Woody’s heart sank as the bolt slid home.
“Why do I always end up in jail…” Woody mused.
“Simple really,” came a familiar voice. “You are here because I have decided that you should be.”
From a corner of the room a robed figure emerged from the shadows.
“DISCORDIA!”
To be continued…
The next chapter of this story will be finished soon, watch for:
Woody and the Snakes part Two-Point-Two: Bring out the Gimp!
Woody was in a state of shock as one surprise followed the next. First, he had been woken from a blissful slumber by Kari’s boot in his midsection. Then he had been escorted to the Snakegod dungeon by Kari and Cohen and was promptly shackled to the wall. Now, Discordia was before him with a silly little grin on his face and he was claiming responsibility for Woody’s current predicament.
“Discordia, what the HELL is going on here?” Woody said angrily.
“Simple, like I said, you’re here because I decided you should be.”
Woody was so thoroughly confused that “Why?” was the only thing that he could manage say.
“Don’t be stupid Woody,” Discordia said. “I’m an Evil Genius remember? Duh! I just get a REALLY big kick out of this sort of thing. Aw, don’t look at me like that, it’s nothing personal. I dig you. You know I do. But, this is my business. The business of scheming and conniving. Geez, why do I always have to explain that part?”
Woody regained a bit of composure. He began to see things very clearly and things were starting to make sense. He was pretty sure that there was an out for him. Discordia never did this sort of thing unless he wanted something despite his claims that his actions were just a personality quirk. “Ok Disc, I figure you want something from me or you wouldn’t have gone through all this trouble. What’s in it for you?”
“Ahhh, to the meat of the matter then.” Discordia chortled with jubilation (he also began to wring his hands…a sure sign of an Evil Genius with an agenda). “Okee, dokee then, let’s get too it. Whelp, I can’t get too deep into the details, but basically I want you to sign a contract. The language of the contract states that you will do me a favor when I ask for it, no matter what it is. The favor I ask is likely to involve murder, mayhem, chaos, etc. Whatever I need at the time. You know, your basic Evil Genius stuff, fairly intuitive. In return, I will clear up this little mess you’re in.”
Woody was at a loss.
“Close your mouth Woody, there’s one more thing. To seal the deal, I need something very dear to your heart. You know, to make the contract magically binding. You have to give me your Clumsy Bow of the Pit.”
“What?!? Why do I need to give it to you? If it’s the bow you want, you could easily go take it while I’m rotting I this dungeon!”
“NO!” Discordia said with frustration. “No. It doesn’t work like that. You have to give it to me of your own free will. That’s what makes the spell work. Good God man, and you call yourself a Wizard…”
Woody felt as if the world was spinning out of control. As he fought to gain control, he gave the situation some thought. Maybe Discordia was bluffing? It sure wouldn’t be the first time and bluffing is a standard operating procedure for Evil Genius types. If he wasn’t, things could get a bit messy. Woody decided to take his chances. He’d always been a little slippery when his bacon was in the fire and this wouldn’t be the first time he faced this sort of peril.
“You can have my Clumsy Bow of the Pit when you pry it from my dead, cold fingers.” Woody said, straightening his back, steel in his voice.
Discordia flashed a look of disappointment. “You’re sure about that?”
“Yep.”
“Okee, dokee then. Sad to say that you feel that way. You really don’t have any idea how true your words are. I WILL get that bow you know. See you around Woodmeister.” Discordia gave voice to a word of power and disappeared.
‘So that’s it,’ Woody thought. ‘He just wants the bow.’
Woody’s mind raced over every detail of his stay with the Snakes. He tried to find any bit of incriminating evidence that Discordia might have to frame him and he came up empty. Before long, Cohen and Kari returned. Woody noted with despair that they were dressed in full armor and Cohen looked even more agitated than before. The two warriors flanked Woody and escorted him out of the cell.
Woody stumbled along as best he could. It became clear that he was being led to the main audience chamber of the Queen. His nerves got even tighter still when he noticed that there weren’t any Snakes about. The castle was usually alive with activity at this time of day as various Snakes went about their business. Soon, they had reached the main entrance to the audience chamber. Stretch was there and as the three approached, he opened the door and announced their arrival.
“Cohen the Barbarian, Kari fan of Kariya, and Woody the dirty rotten lowlife, request entrance into the Queen’s audience chamber.”
“Show them in,” the Queen intoned formally.
Woody’s heart sank. The ENTIRE fellowship of the Snakegod Clan was in attendance. Most of the faces he recognized, some he didn’t. Regardless, EVERY Snake looked downright pissed. Woody saw that Discordia stood near the dais with the rest of the Court. As he was led to the dais, Woody noted certain Snakes more than others. Snakes that seemed even angrier than the rest.
Haplo kept whining over and over something about Mac ‘N Cheese. Morden’s face was as red as his most prized burgundy. Jimi had a hand to his forehead as if he was keeping his head from exploding. Woody even noticed that Stretch was walking a little funny in front of him.
Woody was brought to a halt before the Queen who regarded him coldly.
“Sir Woodrow Grabowski,” The Queen said.
‘Uh, oh,’ Woody thought. ‘This can’t be good. She used my full name…’
“You have been held against your will for crimes against the Snakegod clan. You are here to answer for those crimes.” There were angry murmurs from the assembly. “Before I get to the charges, I have something to say. Of all the things that can seduce a person, treason against ones companions is the lowest. I’d rather be passing judgment on you for murder than the crimes that bring you before me today. Now, on to the charges…Ridcully…”
Ridcully came forward and handed the Queen a rolled up parchment. Make that a BIG rolled up parchment. The Queen took it and Ridcully resumed his place with the court.
“Sir Woodrow Grabowski, you stand before us accused of the following crimes.” As she said that, the Queen grabbed the parchment at the top and let go of the rest. The parchment fell to the ground and proceeded to unravel itself down the dais, past Woody, down the Hall, and out the door.
Woody Groaned.
“In no particular order,” the Queen said as she read the charges.
“The willful and malicious siphoning of all the cream filling from the Snakegod stash of Twinkies.”
“The replacement of all of Jimi’s coffee with decaf.”
“The thievery of Morden’s supply of garlic and the replacement of said garlic with Lowery’s Seasoning Salt.”
“The coating of one codpiece with Icey-Hot.” Stretch growled at that charge.
“The removal of Haplo’s Mac ‘N Cheese, note that particular brand is the ‘Cheesiest’, and replacing it with a generic grocery store brand.”
“Breaking and entering into the Ridcully Institute and tampering with the proprietor of said Institutes magic oracle. The Oracle in question WAS imbibed with the spirit of Linux. It NOW holds the spirits of DOS 4.2 and Desqview/X.”
The Queen paused for a moment and scanned the rest of the charges. “Yadda-yadda-yadda. The list goes on, how do you plea?”
Although he was dumbfounded, Woody immediately and defiantly stated “Not guilty!”
The Queen motioned to Discordia who joined her on the dais. Discordia began an enchantment and an image appeared in the air above the assembly. The vision showed Woody in the act of committing every crime he had been charged of. As the last of the vision faded…
“I will now pass judgement. Even though you deny the charges like a coward, the proof before you is indisputable. It is my decree that you be spanked unmercifully until such a time that I feel you have learned your lesson. Let’s see,” the Queen said as she tapped a fingernail against her teeth. “Last time I handed out this punishment, it lasted a fortnight. Yeah, that sounds about right. Cohen! Kari! Put him in the position.
Cohen and Kari grabbed Woody and had him stand between two pillars that supported the Audience Chamber. A chain was attached to each pillar and a shackle was at the end of each chain. Amazingly enough, the chain was just tight enough to keep Woody’s arms taught and he was barely able to stand flat-footed.
“Petunia,” The Queen commanded. “This is your area of expertise. You may begin.”
“If it’s all the same my Queen,” Petunia said. “I’ve been sorta ‘training’ a couple of ladies in the arts of spanking and I’d love to give them the opportunity to administer the punishment.”
“As you wish.”
Petunia motioned and out from behind a curtain came Gillian. She was wearing a transparent baby-doll teddy, silk stockings, a garter belt, and stiletto heels. She carried a feather duster. The way she walked over to Woody made his blood boil, this was indeed the realization of his dreams.
“Yeah baby, YEAH!” Woody whooped with joy. “C’mon Gillian, punish me baby, I’ve been a VERY naughty boy!”
Gillian sauntered over to Woody and gave him a teasingly soft kiss on the cheek. “You wish,” she said as she stood off to one side.
“Bring out the Gimp!” Petunia shouted.
From behind another curtain emerged another bombshell. This one however was clad in bondage-like black leather from head to toe. Not a single bit of skin showed and she carried a Cat ‘O Nine Tails. Make that a Cat ‘O Nine Tails with little pointy spikes on the end. Make that a Cat ‘O Nine Tails with RUSTY little pointy spikes on the end.
Woody began to shake uncontrollably.
“Mmmmm,” Gillian purred in his hear, again coming close to him. The Gimp was now before him. “It gets much worse, if you can believe it.”
The Gimp removed her hood.
“NO!” Woody shouted in agony. “NOT YOU! ANYONE BUT YOU!!!” His heart was breaking. Before him, clad in dominatrix leather, was none other than Chrysoli.
She smiled a crooked little smile that would have turned him to putty at any other time. Woody was to devastated to notice…
********************
“WOODY! WAKE UP DAMMIT!”
Woody awoke with a start. He was drenched in a cold sweat and Splat knelt at his side and was furiously shaking him.
“Get up already! You’re late for the gathering, Rid sent me to fetch you.”
Woody looked around and he was laying under his favorite tree. The remains of his lunch were at his side. He jumped up and bear-hugged Splat. “Whoo Hoo! It was only a dream!” Woody shouted with joy. He looked sideways at the mostly eaten Sliders…”That’s the last time I eat those before taking a nap!” He said with finality.
Woody and Splat took off at a full run and soon they were in attendance of the gathering for Serin and Chrysoli. Woody couldn’t stop staring at her…
To be continued…
The next chapter of this story will be finished soon, watch for:
Woody and the Snakes part Two-Point-Three: Just a hunka-hunka-burning-love.
Woody stood transfixed throughout the whole gathering. All of the Clan of Snakegod was in attendance for the reception of Serin and Chrysoli and while something rather serious seemed to be taking place, Woody was oblivious to it. He only had an awareness of Chrysoli. The way she stood. The way she looked vulnerable and strong as she held the tolkens of her sister's legacy. The trace of her jawline. The fire in her spirit. Everything that transpired over the course of the gathering took on an ethereal quality. An other-worldly vagueness that Woody refused to allow to intrude on his reverie. At one point, as Chrysoli approached the dais to greet the Queen, Chrysoli met his gaze. It was nothing more than a passing observance but Woody still remembered, even now as he sat in his room reliving the gathering, the distinct feeling of his heart stopping. One very small part of his consciencness fought for control. The control of sanity. The control of sanity that would allow Woody to summon forth the entire cast of ER, complete with a magical crash-cart, so that they might encourage his heart to beat once more. Woody didn't allow sanity to gain control. For that split second, he allowed himself to drink in the agony and pain that he felt this woman would surely inflict. The pain and agony of devoting yourself to someone that would never realize your devotion.
After the Gathering had dispersed, Chrysoli had left with Shadowdancer. Surely on her way to her new quarters in the Castle of Snakegod. Oh yeah, that part was NOT missed. Chrysoli had forsaken her past ties to her family in order to join the Clan. She would be training with the Sisters and busy most of the day, but she would be around nonetheless. That made it worse.
"The question now is 'What to do'?" Woody mumbled to himself. He was pacing back and forth in his room, wrestling with the next step. Actually, he was just sort of spinning in a circle. His room was such a mess that it was fairly impossible to find a good, clear stretch of floor to pace on.
Woody had a revelation.
He traversed the garbage littering his floor and soon stood before his mirror. There, he took a good long look at himself. This time, his reflection seemed clear. Hiding behind a tattering of rags and rusted metal was a well groomed, handsome man.
Woody knew now what it would take to win Chrysoli. He'd have to make changes to his entire way of life. He'd have to don the appearance of a respectable man. Without such changes, surely Chrysoli would never give him the chance to show her what kind of man he was. He'd lose without ever getting a chance to win.
Several hours later, standing in an immaculately cleaned room, Woody dismissed the Golem. While Woody occupied himself by washing down a bag of Sliders with a Forty of Hams, the Golem had cleaned his room top to bottom. Now, having served it's purpose, it returned to the stone that had spawned it.
Standing before his bed, Woody removed what was until recently, his most cherished belongings. Soon, his trove of delightfully cursed armor, weapons and jewelry was laid out on his bed and he stood alone dressed in the clothes of his heritage. Clothes that no one in the Castle had ever seen. A collar-less, long sleeve, white cotton shirt with a string tie that started at his sternum and ended at his neckline, doe-skin trousers and moccasins. Woody resisted the urge to walk over to the mirror for fear that seeing himself in these clothes would recall the memories. Instead, with nothing but the clothes on his back, he weaved mana into a spell that instantly transported him to that oh-so-familiar red chasm near Gillians.
A short while later…
Woody stood in a haze of dizziness in his favorite Clearing. A Clearing that no one else seemed to ever intrude upon. It wasn't the shiny magical items at his feet that had been making him dizzy. It was the Rush. Never before had Woody felt such raw power seep through his veins. Before he had descended the chasm, he had refreshed his reserves of mana to a degree he'd never experienced. The pure energy that the Rush produced had made him feel nearly invulnerable. But, feelings of invincibility or no, he snapped out of it when it came time to take care of business. Woody always knew when to focus at the task at hand and with his determination, the denizens of the underworld stood not a chance. Before long, with his increased magical potential, Woody had slain every last monster shy of The Lord of Terror's lair. His efforts were rewarded with the pile of magical artifacts that were on the ground at his feet.
Even though he was beginning to doubt the sanity of this endeavor, he dressed himself in the treasures none the less. On his head he placed a Cap that made the world around him immensely clearer. As he looked across the Clearing, he could clearly see the remnants of raindrops that clung to the leaves on trees. He dressed in a set of Plate Mail that had the look and texture of smoky crystal yet the weight of tin. Over his shoulder he looped a large shield made of Cobalt and at his belt hung a Mace that gave him the strength of the Titans. His transformation was complete with a ring on each finger, one of which enhanced the feeling of euphoria as yet more magic Rushed through his veins.
"Whelp," Woody said with an exhaled breath. "If you're gonna be a bear, you might as well be a Grizzly." With purposeful steps, Woody strode to the Snakegod Castle.
Since there seems to be some interest in my old stuff, the following is the original text of The Complete Adventures of Woody and Hairy presented in its original form. I'll follow this up with the unfinished 'Woody and the Snakes'. Don't know if I ever posted those stories outside of the Snakegod Clan message board.
On a personal note, I've enjoyed re-reading these. Part 1 of Woody and the Snakes (Sliders and Warm Beer) is probably my favorite. Clearly, my writing got better as I went along...
...enjoy!
The Adventures of Woody and Hairy:
This is my first attempt at a story, let me know what you think.
Note: this story is based on Beyond Naked Mages, I suggest you check out the web page before you read this, you may appreciate it more.
Http://www.win.net/homefield/diablo
On with the story…
*twang*
“Your never gonna hit anything with that stupid bow you know,” Hairy said from atop the barrel he was sitting on as Woody’s arrow flew wide right.
“Shut up,” Woody mumbled as he focused on the advancing skeleton. ‘40 feet away now’ he thought to himself.
*twang*
“When will you learn,” Hairy continued as the arrow flew wide left. “Just ‘Bolt him.”
“Well, if you’d shutup for a second and let me concentrate, I might have a better chance.” ’25 feet away,’ Woody thought as he tried once again to focus. “What is it that those darlin’s are always yapping about? You know the whole ‘sightless eye’ spiel?” Woody asked with his eyes closed as yet another of his shots sailed wide of the target.
Woody notched another arrow, but it was too late, the Skeleton was upon him. “Ha,” said Woody, “so you wanna get up close an personal eh? Well eat this!” Using the bow like a club, Woody swung it at the skeleton’s head in an attempt to bash him to death. He missed again and struck the wall. The skeleton, seeing his chance, raised his sword in the air and readied the killing blow.
*Boom!*
The skeleton exploded from a bolt of Holy Fire.
“You could say your welcome you know,” said Hairy, “I just saved your butt. Again.”
“I had everything under control thankyouverymuch,” replied Woody. “If you would have just let me kill him with the bow, you’d be singing a different tune.”
Woody had sat himself down on the floor and begun to wrap duct tape around a part of the bow that looked as if it might break in two. “Damn that Griz and his hang up with cursed stuff. He won’t even look at my bow.” Complained Woody.
“When the hell are you gonna learn, that bow ain’t never, and I mean NEVER, kill anything.”
“Oh yeah?” Woody said as he stood, pulled the bowstring taught and pointed it at Hairy, “you wanna say that again?”
“Hahaha,” Hairy chucked, “give it your best shot.”
Before Hairy had finished, Woody had released the arrow. Just as Hairy predicted, the arrow missed him entirely and instead embedded itself into the barrel that Hairy was sitting on.
*KA-BOOM!*
The Explosion sent Hairy flying through the air. He landed with a thud.
“You idiot!” Hairy yelled, “are you trying to kill me?”
“Oh, man, I’m sorry, how was I supposed to know that was the exploding kind” Woody pleaded as he dodged bolts of fire. “But, you DID ask for it.”
The bolts of fire stopped and Hairy stood there literally smoldering. “Ok, I suppose you could say I did ask for it,” he said. “The very least you could do is heal me.”
“Well I would, you know I would, but I haven’t mastered that spell yet,” Woody lamented.
“What?” said Hairy. “Your a sorcerer of the 10th circle for crying out loud, how can you not know something as simple as a healing spell?”
“Look, it ain’t like I’ve been avoiding it or anything, I just haven’t come across any is all. Get off my back about it already.”
“Or what? You’ll shoot me with that bow again?” Grinned Hairy.
“Hehehe,” laughed Woody. “What do you say we go topside and have a couple of beers, all this adventuring has left me kinda parched.”
“After you and that cursed bow if you don’t mind.”
Once the pair of Beyond Naked Mages reached Ogden’s Tavern, they made a b-line for the bar. Seeing the two enter, Ogden nodded to Woody from behind the bar and poured the mages two cold beers and walked away to attend his other customers.
“What was that all about?” asked Hairy.
“Well,” Woody said, “me and Ogden see, we got us an arrangement. He gives me free beer and I entertain the crowd by playing the harmonica.”
“But, you don’t play the harmonica,” said Hairy with a puzzled look on his face.
“Correction, what you mean is ‘I don’t play the harmonica WELL.’ I do play however. See,” Woody continued, “it breaks down like this. If you look around, you’ll mostly see a bunch of surly warrior types. Yeah, there are some educated men like ourselves and a few Sisters, but mostly it’s just ornery warriors. Now, when I get to playing, these warriors see, get into a real foul mood. It’s just a matter of time before a fight breaks out and a bunch of chairs and furniture gets all busted up.”
“And thats good?” said Hairy in a completely confused voice.
“You bet,” answered Woody. “When these gorillas bust up the joint, they gotta pay for the stuff they bust. If they don’t, Ogden won’t serve ‘em no more, and this is the ONLY tavern in these parts after all. So Ogden, he overcharges ‘em for the furniture they break and even after the beer he gives me, he still makes a tidy little profit.”
“So that explains where you got that black eye the other day.” Said Hairy.
“Yeah, you guessed it,” replied Woody, “but I was drunk as a skunk at the time and didn’t feel a thing!”
“You a genius in your own sick little way you know.”
“Barkeep, BEER!” came the shout from a downtrodden warrior who had just sat down at a table next to the Mages.
Upon closer examination, the duo noticed what looked to be the sorriest bunch of weapons and jewelry they had ever seen laid on the table the warrior sat at.
Woody’s and Hairy’s eyes practically glazed over, and they began to drool uncontrollably.
“What have ya got there,” asked Hairy while Woody went to get the man a beer.
“Oh, it do be a tragedy,” the warrior practically was in tears. “I goes down to the catacombs, ya see. Laid my life on the line I did. And for what? This cursed garbage. It just ain’t fair.” The warrior was weeping openly at this point.
“I just hate to see a man cry,” sympathized Hairy. “I’ll tell ya what, I’ll give ya 25 pieces of gold for the lot of it. Just to perk you up again ya know.”
“Deal!” agreed the warrior.
The gold exchanged hands and the warrior broke into sinister laughter.
“Muahahahaha, you sucker.” He chided. “That stuff is unusable, thanks for the gold you fool. That crying stuff works like a charm.”
“I think that it is YOU, who is the sucker here,” Woody said as he returned to the table with the beers.
The warrior’s face was totally blank as he blinked in incomprehension.
“See,” Hairy continued his friends thought, “we would have gladly paid in the thousands for that stuff. But you, why your an ignorant fool and didn’t recognize your advantage. You, therefore, are the sucker here.”
“Those are fightin’ words…” growled the warrior
“Yep, they are” said Hairy as he punched the warrior in the face. In a matter of seconds, the whole tavern was one big brawl.
[several hours later]
“You know,” said Hairy as he spit out a tooth. “Your right, if you drink enough, the pain is really not that bad.”
“Hehehe,” laughed Woody as he clanked his mug against Hairy’s, “it’s gonna hurt like hell tomorrow though…”
“You know what was best about this night though?” asked Hairy.
“What?”
“That I got to drink all this free beer and I didn’t once have to suffer through you playing your harmonica.”
Part Two: The Adventure Continues:
It was warm.
Hairy looked around and found himself in a meadow of wildflowers. Movement caught his eye, it was Adria. She was dressed in a filmy transparent gown that left nothing to the imagination. As she approached him, he became entranced by the hypnotic sway of her hips. The look on her face was one of pure seduction. Hairy’s heart began to pound, and his mouth went dry. She stepped up to him and fell into his arms. As lost in the moment as he was, Hairy almost didn’t notice that when she opened her mouth to kiss him, her tongue was at least 4 times it’s normal size. That’s when she licked his face…
“Ahhhhggggg,” Hairy screamed as he opened his eyes and found a cow licking his face. Smacking the cow, he tried to shake the cobwebs from his head. Everything was a little fuzzy, but he began to calm from the weird dream now that he realized he was awake.
*Sniff, sniff*
“Well, that explains the warm sensation,” Hairy mumbled as he stood. He had been laying in a fresh pile of cow manure. It all became clear. The night before had been one of excessive drinking and fighting. The fact that he was passed out in the cow field attested to the excessive drinking, while his sore jaw and ribs validated the fighting. It took him a minute to locate Woody. He was also passed out in a fresh pile of cow manure, just a couple of feet away.
Woody was in a sort of ‘upright’ fetal position. His knees were curled up to his chest and his butt was ticking straight up in the air. He was curled around that stupid bow he cherished so much.
“Wake up,” Hairy said as he prodded Woody with his toe.
“Aww, Ma, just a few more minutes,” Woody mumbled in his sleep.
“WAKE UP YOU DORK,” Hairy shouted as he kicked Woody straight in the ass.
The blow sent Woody into yet another pile of manure.
“Ok, ok, I’m up,” groaned Woody.
*Sniff, sniff*
“Man, what did I eat last night? My breath is horrible,” Woody said.
“That’s not your breath, it’s cow crap. Somehow we passed out in the cow field last night.”
“Oh.”
“Lets go get cleaned up,” said Hairy as he began to head towards the Inn.
“Wait!” Woody exclaimed. “We can’t go back to our rooms like this.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know. I’ve got it real bad for Gillian, and if she sees me like this, I’ll never get a date with her. Besides, I think today is the day she recognizes my ‘inner beauty’ and goes out with me.”
“Ok, but where then? The river?” Hairy asked.
“Nah, rivers to cold. How ‘bout the fountain?”
“Sounds good to me,” Hairy said as the two headed for the center of town.
[several minutes later]
“Hello my friend, stay a while,” said Cain.
“It’s ‘friends’ Cain, plural, there’s two of us,” Woody said. “He just NEVER gets that one right.”
Before Cain’s very eyes, the duo had stripped down to their undergarments and jumped into the fountain.
“What the HELL are you doing?”
“Bathing, what does it look like,” answered Hairy.
“Guards! Guards!” Cain was shouting at the top of his lungs.
“Guards?” Woody asked Hairy. “What guards? I’ve never seen any guards?”
“We better split just the same. Let’s head for the river.”
“I’m right behind you!”
The two Mages scooped up their soiled clothing and prized, albeit cursed, equipment and ran towards the river. Heedless of the cold, they plunged themselves in and began to wash their bodies and clothing.
“Something’s bothering me Woody,” Hairy said.
“What’s that?”
“Well, I couldn’t help but notice that you have three leg holes in your undergarments.”
“Oh, that,” Woody said. “Simple, it’s my 6-day underwear.”
“Sorry I asked,” Hairy groaned. “That is DEFINITELY something I didn’t need to know.”
Shortly thereafter, the pair were clean again and headed back to town.
“How about a little hair of the dog?” Hairy asked.
“Sure thing bud, I’ll meet ya there. I’m gonna swing by Gillian’s first. I got a feeling that today is my lucky day!”
‘Poor bastard’ Hairy thought. ‘When will he ever learn.’
To be continued…
The Adventures of Woody and Hairy:
Part Three: Women; can’t live with ‘em, pass the beer nuts.
Note: this story is based on Beyond Naked Mages, I suggest you check out the web page before you read this, you may appreciate it more. You can also find the earlier chapters there as well.
Http://www.win.net/homefield/diablo
On with the story…
Woody and Hairy, noticeably less offensive smelling after bathing in the river, were walking back to town. Once in town, the two would split up and meet shortly at Ogden’s Tavern for some breakfast and a little ‘hair of the dog.’ First though, Woody was on his way to see Gillian and Hairy was going to run by the Trading Post and see if anyone had abandoned any cursed gear.
Woody’s brow was furrowed as he silently struggled for the words he would say to Gillian today. He was fully enamored with her and today he felt that she would finally relent to his advancements.
Hairy walked silently next to his friend. He grinned to himself when he imagined Woody blurting out the wrong thing to Gillian like he ALWAYS did. Whatever rude comment he would make would be followed by the inevitable face-slap.
As they reached the fork in their respective paths, Hairy left Woody to continue on his own and veered off to the Trading Post. As he arrived, he sighed at the same old crap he saw every single day.
“I need a THINKING CAP RING!” an armored mage called out.
Hairy chuckled out loud. The way the guy carried what was no doubt an Arch-Angels Staff looked as unnatural as Hairy would look wearing a dress. Not that he’d never worn a dress…there was that one time…she had begged him…said something about “driving her wild”…how was he to know that she was just going to steal his gold…boy, was THAT a long walk back to the Inn…Hairy shook his head violently to banish the unwanted memory from his head. No need to relive THAT again.
“Tell Woody he still owes me one for that Durn Bow!” said WarLocke as he passed Hairy.
Hairy ignored him too. WarLocke had found that bow that Woody cherishes so much and had been prepared to trash it. Woody showed some interest in it and WarLocke had given it to him. Now that Woody had attached value to it, WarLocke thought he deserved more than just a thank you. ‘Whatever’, Hairy thought, ‘that’s Woody’s business not mine.’
The search through the Trading Post was fruitless and Hairy was pretty agitated. Nothing but Godly Plate of the Whale and Kings Swords of Haste to be had. ‘Who wants that crap’, thought Hairy. ‘I’ll take a Useless mace of the Fool any day!’ Empty handed, Hairy headed back to Ogden’s and sat down at a table.
He had ordered a beer and some kind of meat dish (it was never wise to inquire as to exactly what kind of meat Ogden served) and just as the barmaid was delivering the beer from the bar, Woody entered the Tavern. The entire left side of his face was bright red.
“Hahaha, smacked you again huh?” Hairy laughed.
Woody sat dejected at the table.
“Yeah, she did.” he said. “I just don’t understand women at all. I mean the conversation was going pretty well and the WHAMO! She up and pops me one in the beezer. Didn’t slap me this time either, she hit me with her fist. HER FIST!” Woody wailed, still in shock.
“Just like that? With no warning? Are you sure you didn’t say something stupid?”
“No, honest! We were talking about this and that when I started bragging about what a great day we had yesterday. I told her we found all kinds of great stuff. She asked me what we had found and shortly thereafter she jacked me one!”
“Well, what was the last thing you said? Right before she hit you?” Hairy asked.
“Well, like I said, she was showing a lot of interest in our haul yesterday so I told her that, “we could go up to my room and I’d show her my Bent Staff of Disease.”
Hairy broke into uncontrollable fits of laughter.
Woody glowered at his friend, but eventually the laughter got a little contagious and he started laughing too.
“Oh damn,” Woody said, “I blew it again. When will I learn” he pondered.
“I’d say never”
“You know, I’m getting pretty sick and tired of you cracking on me for striking out with Gillian. At least I have the balls to step up to the plate.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Hairy.
“It means that it’s no big secret that you’ve got the hot’s for Adria. Hell, I don’t blame ya, she’s a good looking woman. If she’d only do something about that ‘skunky stripe’ in her hair she’d be that much better looking.”
Hairy’s face took on a far-away look at the mention of Adria. He snapped himself out of it and said “yeah, so what’s your point?”
“My point is that I’m in the game. I’m asking Gillian out on dates. I’m taking a shot. You just dream about Adria. You never ask her out on a date. Your a wimp.” Woody said. “Is that enough of a point?”
Hairy bit back an angry retort. He hated to admit it, but his friend had a point.
“Ok then Mr. Swinger,” Hairy said. “If it’ll shut your yap, we’ll just go over and pay a visit to Adria after breakfast. Is that’s ok with your busy schedule?”
Woody grinned broadly, “fine by me,” he said.
The rest of the meal was eaten in silence. Woody, even though his face and jaw stung a little (Gillian has a hell of a right hook), ate voraciously. Hairy on the other hand seemed to have lost his appetite. A dread overtook him at the prospect of actually asking Adria out on a date and as a result angst replaced his hunger. He did manage to drink his beer though (and several more).
After breakfast, the two friends began the walk to Adria’s Hut. Much like the meal that they just shared, the walk was void of conversation. They had made their way through town and were preparing to cross the river they had bathed in a few hours ago when Woody said “wait here” and dashed off into a near by thicket. When he emerged, covered it burrs and thorns, he was holding 5 Black Orchids. He handed them to Hairy.
“Here you go man, they match her raven hair. Chicks dig flowers.”
“Thanks Woody, I owe you one.” Hairy studied the flowers. It was widely believed that Black Orchids were bad luck, but Hairy figured that maybe such a gift would appeal to a witch. He hoped that was the case anyways.
Not too much after Woody had retrieved the flowers they reached Adria’s Hut. She greeted them at the door with her standard “I sense a soul in search of answers.”
“Uhmm, good day Adria.” Hairy stammered. “You look quite lovely in that dress.”
Adria seemed to like the compliment, so he continued.
“I was, uhm, wondering if you weren’t doing anything anytime, well, maybe we could, uhm, maybe, have dinner together?” Hairy said in a breaking voice. At that last part he wilted, expecting the rejection that he feared. “Oh, I almost forgot. Here are some flowers for you. They’re Black Orchids. Do you like them?”
“Oh my,” Adria cooed. “I LOVE Black Orchids. And, yes, I would love to have dinner with you. I’m amazed that it took you this long to ask me. I’ve noticed the way you look at me.”
Hairy was on cloud nine. This went well beyond his wildest dreams. “I’m glad you like the flowers,” he said after a long silence.
“I truly do, thank you.”
“Ya know,” Woody broke in. “The flowers are just like your raven hair.”
“Really?”
A sense of pure dread and panic swept over Hairy. NOOOOO! Not this! Everything was going so well! He just COULDN’T ruin it, could he? It was too late, Hairy had no chance to stop the next words out of Woody’s mouth. He knew that his dreams were about to be shattered.
“Yeah,” Woody continued. “Just like your hair, ‘cept for that ‘skunky part’ that is.”
“I beg your pardon,” Adria said in measured tones. Her face was darkening by the second.
“Aw, you know. That white ‘skunky thing’ you got going up there. You’d be a fine looking broad if it weren’t for that.”
The world exploded.
Adria, in a fury, began sending streams of lightning and fire at the two Beyond Naked Mages. Golems formed from the earth and descended upon the two. Elementals appeared from this air and charged. The world was chaos.
With his premonition of what was coming, Hairy was ready. At Adria’s first move, he raised his mana shield and stood before his friend taking the majority of the attack. That gave Woody enough time to gather his wits and raise his shield as well.
They broke and ran. Ran faster than they ever had. All Adria and her conjuration’s saw of them were “asses and elbows.”
[several hours later at Ogden’s]
“Well, it’s been one hell of a day, don’t you think?” Woody asked.
“Yeah, it sure has.”
“I guess it’s time to pay the bills,” Woody said as he pulled out his harmonica.
“Actually,” Hairy interrupted. “You won’t need to make us suffer through your playing tonight to start a fight.”
“Really, why’s that?”
“Because I owe you one after this morning.”
With that, Hairy hit Woody with a furious left-right-left and the whole place erupted into a melee.
Ogden sat behind the bar grinning, his thoughts on the money he was making by just watching…
To be continued…
The Adventures of Woody and Hairy:
Part Four: The Void.
Note: this story is based on Beyond Naked Mages, I suggest you check out the web page before you read this, you may appreciate it more. You can also find the earlier chapters there as well.
Http://www.win.net/homefield/diablo
On with the story…
“Uhghh,” Woody groaned. His head was pounding, his ribs were sore and his “naughty bits” felt as if someone gave ‘em a good kick. As he opened his eyes he found himself in his room at the Inn. “Not real sure how I got here,” he thought to himself. He squinted as he looked out the window and figured it was around 2 o’clock in the afternoon. He had slept pretty late but he didn’t care. It was quite an effort, but Woody managed to drag himself over to the wash basin where he was going to submerge his head into the inviting cold water. “Eewww,” Woody said just before he plunged his head in, “someone puked in my basin.” As the memories of last night became clearer he mumbled to himself, “oh yeah, I blew the chunks in the basin. I guess it’s back to bathing in the river for me.”
As he made his way through the hustle and bustle of everyday life in Tristam, Woody carefully reviewed what had happened yesterday. “Let’s see,” he began. “I struck out with Gillian. I ruined Hairy’s chances with Adria. Hairy kicked my ass.” He grinned despite himself, “all in all, not a bad day!” Soon his grin faded as he remembered why his “ding-ding” was so sore. Just after Hairy had unleashed that combo last night, Ogden’s broke into a full scale melee, Woody had managed to find refuge from the fracas under a table in the corner. Shortly thereafter, rogue crawled under the table with him. She was dressed to the hilt in full plate mail, jewelry galore and one hell of a good looking bow. He should have been able to read the signs, but his intuition always failed him.
“Fear not lass, the Wood-Man is here to protect you!” Woody said in the most chivalrous voice he could muster. With that he embraced the vixen protectively with both arms. In hindsight, he still didn’t remember consciously grabbing her bottom.
“You PIG!” The rogue raved.
Woody felt her armored elbow slam into his midsection. She leapt to her feet, knocking the table over.
As she towered over him, eyes wild, she said “I wanted to avoid the brawl because I didn’t want to hurt any one, I never intended to cuddle up with you. Now however, I’m back in the fighting mood.”
Woody had cringed as far back in the corner as possible, but it didn’t do a bit of good. She reached for him with both hands, one grabbing him by the neck and the other grabbing him by the crotch. She heaved him into the air and promptly hurled him through a window.
He had just finished reliving that last part as he finished freshening up in the river. “It was bad enough she threw me through the window,” Woody thought. “She sure as hell didn’t need to storm into the street and kick me in the balls one more time for good measure.”
As Woody made his way back into town, he decided that he had better avoid Hairy today. He was probably still pissed about yesterday, so Woody decided to find something else to do. Before he knew it, he had stumbled into “Clan Town.”
Clan Town was where the local Clans and Guilds constructed their “Halls.” Each one was different from the other and most were a reflection of their respective Guilds. The more evil aligned ones were ominous looking, while the Halls of some of the more poetic Clans Halls looked almost ethereal. Warriors, rogues and sorcerers came and went in every direction and soon Woody became disoriented.
He continued to wander for a while when he came upon a very mideaval looking Hall with a sign that proclaimed it as the meeting place for Snakegod. Woody boldly entered.
As he walked into the main room, he immediately sensed the tension in the room. There were several Snakes scattered throughout the room that he recognized, namely Lok, Pel and shaft6. There was a scowling figure perched upon the Snakegod throne. He was taunting Snakes and visitors alike with equal zeal. Woody noticed that if anyone challenged this person they were lifted into the air by unseen hands and hurled into a murky bottomless pool in the center of the Hall. Woody decided to walk over to Lok to see if he could find out what was going on.
“Hiya Lok, what gives?”
Lok looked fairly agitated by the situation, “THAT is Eugene.” He said “He somehow got control of the magic Hammer and is in control of the Hall. He is raving about the Queen and some zoo or something.”
“Hmmm,” Woody hmmm’d. “Well lets just see what we shall see.” Woody boldly strode towards the throne where Eugene sat.
“EXCUSE ME! I have something to say.” Woody announced.
“I no think I care to hear what you want say.” Eugene responded. With the finality of his words, he brought the magical Hammer down with a loud “clack.”
Woody felt himself lifted into the air, yet there was no one near him. He sought to yell out, but his voice had fled. He was as helpless as a newborn babe as he was hurled into the inky blackness of the pool.
The darkness was thick. “Where am I?” Woody said to the nothingness.
“You are in the void.” Came the high pitched reply.
Woody looked around and discovered who had answered him. “What” had answered him was a better description. He was looking at a small rabbit wielding a bow of sorts. The rabbit seemed to be made of some pink, moist gunk.
“Oh well, I gave you fair warning.” Said Woody. With that he promptly picked up the moist bunny. As he lifted the creature he was finally able to see it for what it was. It was a Spam Bunny. “If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a damn Spam Bunny.” Woody announced just before he drop kicked the creature.
Woody sighed. “Now what?” he thought. Without any better ideas, he just started to aimlessly wander. Soon he was daydreaming of Gillian again. Gillian in a nightgown. Gillian in a nightgown and a tub of jello in the corner. Gillian in a nightgown with a tub of jello in the corner and a snorkel…
“Watch where the hell your going,” came a familiar voice.
Woody had just bumped into Hairy. After the shock of finding his friend down here, he gave his buddy a big hug. Hairy never noticed that Woody had just wiped spam juice all over his back.
“Hairy!” Woody shouted. “Am I glad to see you! What are you doing here? Do you know the way out?”
“Ok little buddy, slow down. It’s good to see you too. I came down here to vent some left over anger from yesterday.”
“Your not still pissed are you?” Woody said warily.
“Nah, not anymore. Whenever I need to blow off some steam, I either punch you or come down here and beat the crap out of those damn Spam Bunnies. I couldn’t find you, so here I am.” Hairy gestured. “Getting out is easy. Just close your eyes and repeat “there’s no place like home” three times.”
“Are you goofing with me or what,” Woody said suspiciously.
“Not at all,” came the reply.
Woody sighed and closed his eyes. “there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s…” OOMMPH! Woody doubled over as Hairy punched him in the stomach.
“There, I feel better.” Hairy said, grinning broadly. “Can’t believe you fell for that one.”
Hairy waved his hands and mumbled some words of magic and a portal opened before the two. “C’mon little buddy,” Hairy said as he helped his friend to his feet. “I’ll buy you a beer.”
“After that cheap shot, you’ll buy me two.” Woody mumbled as the duo entered the portal that would take them back to Tristam.
To be continued…
The Adventures of Woody and Hairy:
Part Five: Brother can you spare an ear?
Bonus section: The Vixen part 2…
Note: this story is based on Beyond Naked Mages, I suggest you check out the web page before you read this, you may appreciate it more. You can also find the earlier chapters there as well.
Http://www.win.net/homefield/diablo
On with the story…
Woody floated in an abyss. His whole body felt a little tingly. He had no memories to speak of, yet visions floated in and out of his consciousness like wisps of smoke from a tabac pipe. Gently, he felt a pulling sensation. He embraced it. He felt as if he were drifting in an ethereal ocean, letting the current pull him as was it’s want. The tingly sensation began to itch his arse and he gave it a good scratch. ‘How ironic” he though to himself as memories of a place called Tristam formed. ‘I have absolutely no inhibitions about scratching ‘this’ or picking ‘that’ in a public place like Tristam, yet here in utter isolation, I feel as if I shouldn’t be doing it. Hmmmm.’ As he contemplated the philosophical ramifications of his butt-scratching, a red dot appeared before him. The dot seemed quite a good distance away but it was growing steadily. Soon the dot was bigger than any building he’d ever been in and he was hurtling towards it at a now unbelievable velocity.
“Aaaahhhhh!!!” Woody screamed as he was plunged into the red sphere.
“Shut UP!” A voiced rasped.
Woody opened his eyes and the world was red. A towering figure stood over him wearing shinning plate mail and carrying a wooden staff carved with runes of power. As he gathered his wits, Woody noticed that Hairy and Wormwood were just a few feet away. They too were barely coherent.
Out of nowhere, Woody was bathing in a white light. It was as near to ecstasy as he had ever felt. As a matter of fact, he began to live up to his name. As the light subsided, he was standing and the redness was gone from his vision.
“JUST WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS CRAP?!?” The raspy voice rasped again.
Memories began to form and he now remembered who this guy was. His name was ‘LameAssCheater.’ He had offered to join Hairy, Wormwood and Woody on an excursion to the church. They had barely stepped off the stairs when LameAssCheater muttered a few words of power. Waves of lightning erupted from that staff he was carrying. Woody didn’t remember much after that. He did have a feeling that this happened twice though. He wasn’t real sure why he felt that way, it was just a hunch.
“HEY, MAGGOT! I ASKED YOU A QUESTION! JUST WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH THIS CRAP YOU CALL GEAR?!?” the raspy voice kept on rasping.
It finally sunk in. LameAssCheater had pk’d them and then monster-killed them. He was now raving over their gear, which he surely expected to be valuable in a conventional sense. Woody grinned in spite of himself.
“What?” Woody said. “You don’t want any of that stuff? Well how ‘bout some of this stuff instead.” With that Woody shoved both hands into his pockets and brought forth his collection of rings and amulets. “I’ve got a Frogs Ring, will that do? No? How about a Brass amulet of the Fool? That ought to fit you nicely.”
LameAssCheater smacked Woody’s hands and the jewelry went flying. He followed that up with a good kick to Woody’s ‘nuts’. He then stormed out of the dungeon and headed back to town.
“Why is everyone always kicking me THERE!?!” Woody wailed as tears came unbidden to his eyes.
He had just started to reach for some res scrolls for his bud’s when it occurred to him that there was something not right with his hearing. He tentatively reached for his left ear and found it missing. ‘Damn’ he thought to himself, where did my ear go? ‘I wonder if LameAssCheater took it’ he mused while he scanned the ground for his ear. Almost as if in answer to his thought, the left side of his head began to throb. When it had subsided, his hearing had returned. A touch revealed that his ear had magically regenerated itself, just like it had a thousand times before.
Woody wasted no more time and resurrected his friends.
When they had come too, they began the task of picking up their scattered equipment. Wormwood began to laugh.
“Hot DAMN, that was worth it!” Wormwood said between fits of laughter. “Just to see the look on that dorks face when he saw what he got for his troubles was priceless.”
“Yeah,” answered Hairy. “It’s nice to turn the tables on lame ass cheaters like LameAssCheater.”
“So, what now?”
“I guess we continue on in our search for more cursed stuff.” Hairy said to Wormwood.
“Sounds good to me.”
“Ya know,” broke in Woody. “I’m not much in the mood anymore. I think I’ll call it a day.” A melancholy had seeped into his soul and he needed to purge it. He needed to play his Blues Harp.
“No problem Woody,” Hairy said. “See you latter tonight.”
“C’ya Wood-Man.” Wormwood called after him.
With that, two Beyond Naked Mages delved deeper into the dungeon, and one sought out some solace.
[a short while latter…]
The Vixen was wandering. She had her bow slung over a shoulder and walked with no purpose or direction. These little walks she often took helped her to sort through the things that often occupied a beautiful rogues mind. Things like:
“Does my ass look big in this armor?”
“Why does my boyfriend prefer the company of his buddies?”
“Did he really mean it when he said he ‘loved’ me? Or was he just trying to get into my chastity belt?”
She was mulling over that last one when she heard the most sensual music she had ever heard. It was coming from a cluster of bushes just off to her right. As she approached the bushes, she noticed that there was a faintly worn path leading deep into the thicket.
She paused a minute and let the music wash over her. The music had a low sad tone, she felt as if she might cry. It was truly overpowering her senses. The tempo began to slowly change, slightly faster than before. Her heart began to ache. The music increased in tempo again, this time slightly transforming into a more animalistic rage. She felt herself flush at the notes. They had an almost hypnotic affect on her. It was intoxicating to say the least. As the music reached a crescendo, she could hold back no longer. She charged into the thicket recklessly, she HAD to find out where that music was coming from. Limbs reached out for her as she charged down the path. With a few strides, she had cleared the vegetation.
As the final notes died away, Vixen gasped. She had emerged into a hidden valley. Wildflowers grew all over. There was a softly gurgling waterfall emptying into a small lake. Birds and small furry creatures lounged around in lazy delight. They were curiously silent until the last of the music died away, then they began to chirp as if in response. And then she saw him. The Harp player that had for a moment, stolen her heart.
“YOU!” She stammered.
The Vixen could not believe her eyes. Sprawled out on the grass was the mage that she had beat the crap out of yesterday. The one that had grabbed her bottom. And here she was, in front of him once again. Maybe it was an aftereffect of that wonderful music, but she began to see him in a different light. He might be dressed in some VERY ratty chain mail, but he was handsome in a rugged way. If only he’d comb his hair once in a while (and stop scratching his butt).
Woody was startled to say the least. No one had ever found his secret valley before. When he realized just how cruel the fates were for making THIS particular rogue the first one to stumble on to his sanctuary, he began to shake uncontrollably.
“Calm down,” The Vixen said in velvety tones. “I’m not here for that. I just want to know where you learned to play the Blues Harp like that. It was incredible.”
Woody seemed about ready to answer her, when he clamped his hand over his mouth.
“C’mon, no need to be shy. I really want to know. You have a reputation for being a LOUSY Harp player, I would have never guessed that you were so good.”
Woody seemed to relax a bit, but it was short lived. He removed his hand from his mouth long enough to root a roll of duct tape from his backpack. He quickly tore off a strip and taped his mouth shut. He then proceeded to write something in the dirt with a stick. The Vixen went over to see what it was.
‘mouth shut, I no say bad stuff. You no get mad.’ It said.
“I understand,” Vixen lied. “Your music touched me though. Would you mind if I gave you something in return? Maybe a small hug?”
Woody shook his head yes as he stood.
The Vixen embraced him almost tenderly. Then she felt his hand on her….
[a short while later…]
Woody lay in a crumpled mess. The Vixen had REALLY worked him out this time. Why did she react like that? No matter how many times she said it, he still didn’t remember having EVER touched her bottom. That’s what really disturbed him. He didn’t doubt he’d grabbed her ass, he just wished he could remember it.
To be continued…
The Adventures of Woody and Hairy:
Part Seven: Entrance to the Cow Level
Note: this story is based on Beyond Naked Mages, I suggest you check out the web page before you read this, you may appreciate it more. You can also find the earlier chapters there as well.
If you enjoy this series, drop me a line, I’d like to hear some feedback.
Http://www.win.net/homefield/diablo
On with the story…
“Well, here it is.” Woody proclaimed.
“It’s a pile of cow crap,” observed Hairy.
“Yep, it is. But it is sooo much more. I have it on a VERY reliable source that this is our ticket to the magical and elusive Cow Level.”
For a few seconds, no one moved or spoke. Woody had a silly grin on his face and Hairy and Wormwood looked skeptical at best. Shaft’s expression was blank.
Woody, Hairy and Wormwood had been sharing a table at Ogden’s and downing more than their share of beer. After their umpteenth pitcher, Woody proudly proclaimed that he had discovered the secret to the mysterious “Cow Level.” Shaft, the beautiful and deadly rogue (weren’t they all?), had been listening with interest from nearby table and had joined the group at the mention of the Cow Level. She was a friend of the Beyond Naked Mages and was welcomed into the discussion. A fresh round of beers were poured and Woody related a story…
“I was just sorta wandering, like I like to do, when I bumped into this warrior type. He was dirty as hell, smelled like rotten eggs, was dressed up in rags and didn’t have any weapons. Like things weren’t bad enough for him, the dude was downright ugly. I talking U-G-L-Y. Why, he was so ugly, his face could push a fart through a bag of nails. But I digress. This guy, Mr. Ugly, well he shoves this parchment into my hands, laughs a goofy little laugh and takes off. Just up and ran away. Well, I gives this parchment a look I’ll be damned if it ain’t an ancient spell on how to activate the portal to the Cow Level. I took it to Cain and he confirmed what the inscriptions said.”
Wormwood interrupted, “But was he able to validate the spell?”
“Nope, just the inscriptions.”
“And that’s what you want us to follow?” Hairy said in a belligerent tone. “The ramblings of some ugly warrior?”
“Doncha get it? If this isn’t our ticket to the Cow Level, so what? What have we lost? But, if it is…” Woody let the question hang in the air. For several moments no one spoke.
“Count me in.” said Shaft. “I’ve got a taste for adventure and what the hell, I don’t have anything better to do today.”
Woody beamed at her and then looked at his friends each in turn. “Well? Are you in or out?”
“Oh, what the hell” Hairy said. Wormwood nodded is ascent also.
That’s how the four of them came to be on the verge of the cow field. On the promises of adventure and fame. On the ravings of one really, really ugly warrior. On the reputation of Woody, which should have served as a warning right off the bat.
“So now what?” asked Wormwood.
“Hang on a sec,” came the reply. Woody bent over the pile of cow manure and drew his Tin Dagger. He dug in the manure for a time and eventually extracted several mushrooms. Removing his Helm of Tears, he turned it over and filled it with water from a flagon he kept at his belt. The then proceeded to wash the mushrooms in the helm. After a short while, he had cleaned the fungi and handed a stalk to each person in turn.
“Eat ‘em,” Woody said as he downed his portion.
“Aw hell man, these things smell like crap.” Wormwood groaned after taking a whiff of the mushroom stalk.
“Yes they do. They don’t taste much better either. Now, if you guys are with me on this thing, eat the damn mushrooms so we can proceed to the next step.”
Shaft shrugged and ate hers. Hairy reached into his pack and brought forth a piece of taffy. He wrapped the mushroom in the taffy and ate the concoction.
“Hey! Good idea ya got there Hairy, got anymore?” Wormwood asked. Hairy shook his head and Wormwood moaned. “Aw hell.” With that, he pinched his nose shut with one hand and fed himself the mushroom with the other. The whole time he ate the mushroom he wailed, whined and rolled around on the ground in utter agony. Woody grinned at that one. He thought that Wormwood would react like that. That’s exactly the reason he didn’t thoroughly wash his mushroom.
“Ok,’ Woody announced, “now we wait ‘til sunset. Should be here in about twenty minutes or so.”
Woody and Shaft sat next to each other and yakk’d about this and that. Eventually Woody drew his Blues Harp and played a little. Shaft sat back and listened contentedly. Hairy and Wormwood began a friendly game of cards, using some of their excess jewelry as stakes. Before long, dusk had arrived.
All four of them felt a little “tingly.” Woody stood and went over to Hairy and handed him the parchment. He told him to recite the magic words when Woody told him to. Woody then lead Wormwood over to a cow and made him stand right in front of it. He told him that when he was prompted, he should lick the cow on the nose. This he said was the most crucial part of the incantation and if he didn’t do it, the spell would be ruined. There was no truth to that, Woody just really, really wanted to see it. Woody then led Shaft over to the same cow and put her in the “milking” position.
“I’m no milkmaid,” Shaft said in an annoyed tone.
“Of course your not my dear. But this is just as important a role as the others. If you don’t do this, the spell will be ruined.”
Shaft acquiesced. She didn’t seem to like it, but she didn’t complain.
Woody assumed a sorta “spoon” position behind her and reached for the udders also. She was about to protest when he told her again how important it was that everyone “do their part, or the spell won’t work.”
“Ain’t I a stinker,” Woody thought to himself. He knew that the ONLY part of the spell that mattered was the mushrooms and the reading of the spell. The rest was just a joke. He marveled at his accomplishment. Wormwood, when called to do so, was going to lick the cows nose. He could hardly keep himself from busting out laughing. Shaft, was allowing him snuggle up to her. He bit his lip so hard to keep himself from laughing that he was greeted with the warm taste of blood.
Woody nodded to Hairy, who then began the incantation. The words changed the very air around them. Small electrical charges began to appear. The wind picked up. Woody feigned fright and pressed himself harder against Shaft.
Woody whispered to Shaft to begin. The two of them began to milk the cows with zeal. Woody had told her to mimic what he did. Said something about the progression being called “Dueling Udders.”
Hairy’s voice became stressed as the spell reached a crescendo. Woody nodded to Wormwood, timing it so that his lick would coincide with the final word of the spell.
At the same time, Hairy shouted the final word of power, the one that completed the spell and Wormwood liked the cow smack dab on the nose.
There was a blinding flash and then the world went dead. The wind and lightning had stopped. The normal sounds of the forest were hushed. As their vision returned, they noticed a green portal had opened in between three cows. The rag-tag group rose to their feet and approached the portal as if in a trance. One by one, they entered the portal. Each one in a dreamlike state.
When they came to their senses, the four adventurers were in another world. They were standing in a forest clearing. One that they had never seen before. Any thoughts that they were still in their home world quickly vanished as they surveyed the strange plants and flowers all around. Beyond that, their clothing had changed as well. They all stared at each other in disbelief. All of their weapons and belongings were gone. Right down to the clothes on their backs. Instead of standing in the strange meadow naked, they were garbed in animal-fur loincloths. Woody openly oogled Shaft. She had a fur bikini that made Woody’s mouth water.
“What the hell?” Wormwood stammered.
“Seems we’re in it pretty deep.” Hairy moaned.
“If you don’t stop oogling me, I’m gonna make The Vixen look like a healer.” Shaft said to Woody.
Woody blinked and turned away for two reasons. One, he genuinely liked Shaft, she was a good companion. Two, he didn’t doubt that she would kick his ass.
They all just sorta stood there, no one seemed to have any idea as to what to do next. That’s when they heard the drums.
“Those sound like war-drums, and I think they’re coming this way. Follow me!” Shaft said.
She took off for the cover of the forest and the mages followed. They followed for two reasons. One, they didn’t doubt her expertise in scouting and forestry. Two, it provided a nice view.
To Be Continued…
The Adventures of Woody and Hairy:
Part Seven: The Cow Level part 2: Captured!
Note: this story is based on Beyond Naked Mages, I suggest you check out the web page before you read this, you may appreciate it more. Also, this is a work in progress and you can find the earlier chapters there as well.
If you enjoy this series, drop me a line, I like to hear feedback.
Http://www.win.net/homefield/diablo
[When we last left our heroes, Shaft the rogue and Woody, Hairy and Wormwood the beyond naked mages had completed the ritual that had opened a portal to the mythical Cow Level. After entering the portal, they found themselves in a strange forest clearing. All of their worldly possessions were gone, right down to the clothes on their backs. They weren’t naked however, they were garbed in animal fur loincloths. Shaft was sporting a fashionable fur bikini (leopard skin of course). Before they had a chance to figure out what was going on (or oogle Shaft), they heard approaching war drums and fled into the forest with Shaft in the lead]
On with the story…
“Dammit!” Cursed Shaft.
Shaft, Woody, Hairy and Wormwood had been running for their very lives. The companions were somewhere on what could only be the Cow Level and they were being hunted. Their pursuers made no attempt at approaching with stealth, they pounded their war drums incessantly. Shaft, being the most skilled woods guide had lead them in their escape from the drums, but just when they thought they had put the drums behind them, the drumming would be heard coming from another direction. It was almost as if they were being herded. They now found themselves in a clearing that turned into a dead end. Before them was a sheer cliff and behind them the drums approached…
“Well,” Wormwood panted, “what now?”
“They have us cut off, I think we have to make a stand.” Said Shaft as she surveyed the landscape. She found what she had been searching for in short order. She walked over to a fallen tree limb and broke the smaller branches off of the larger one. Before long, she had fashioned a makeshift warstaff. The beyond naked mages followed suit and soon they were all armed with staves. While they were arming themselves, the drums had been getting louder and louder.
Then, when the drums seemed right on top of them, the drumming stopped.
The four adventurers formed a semi-circle with their backs to the cliff and anxiously awaited the inevitable confrontation. They didn’t have to wait long. Silent as shadows, several forms slipped from the tree line into the clearing with the grace of elves…and the bodies of cows. They weren’t cows in a conventional sense. These cows walked upright and judging by their horns, they must have been bulls. The bulls wore black leather armor and carried various weapons. Some had hand to hand weapons, some had ranged weapons and some carried nets. By the time they had formed ranks in front of the adventurers, there were roughly 24 menacing looking bulls.
“I can’t be sure,” whispered Hairy, “but are they smiling at us?”
“Looks like the smile of a predator” came Shafts reply. “Maybe if we rush one end of their ranks, some of us might be able to get away…”
“EEEYYYYAAAHHHHH!” Woody screamed and charged one of the smaller bulls on the end of the formation. He was brandishing his staff like a whirling dervish and he meant to eat some steak tonight. As he neared his victim, he brought his staff down with all the might he could muster.
As smooth as silk, the bull reached out with a half hoof, half hand and grabbed the staff. He deftly plucked it from Woody’s grasp and promptly broke it over his head. Woody went down in a heap.
Hairy watched his friend go down with shock. “Whelp,” he said, “okee-dokee, I give up.” With that he promptly laid his staff upon the ground and locked his hands behind his head.
“Yeah buddy,” echoed Wormwood, “me too.” Just as Hairy had done, he too surrendered his staff and ‘assumed the position.’
Shaft’s expression was one of pure shock as she watched Hairy and Wormwood lay down their staves. She would like nothing more than to beat the living crap out of them for giving up without a fight, but she knew better. With the way that “small” bull had handled Woody, she knew that to attack would be suicide. She considered for a moment if the bulls would interfere if she pummeled Hairy and Wormwood. With reluctance, she surrendered as well.
The largest bull came forward. He had a scowl on his face (and a ring in his nose). “You speak the common tongue.” He moo’d bluntly. He then turned to one of the bulls carrying ropes and a net and ordered him to bind the companions.
While Shaft, Hairy and Wormwood were being reluctantly bound, the smallish bull that had thumped Woody picked him up like a rag doll and threw him over it’s shoulder. With deft efficiency, the companions were bound and placed in a formation, surrounded by the bulls. They were marched for a couple of hours, and eventually approached an encampment. As they neared the small settlement, the companions began to see more and more “cows.” These creatures were similar in stature to the bulls, yet they wore no armor. They came in varying sizes and colors. Some were solid black or brown and some were white with colored splotches. They also saw a noticeable difference in the bulls. Some had long horns, some had short ones. All in all, the population was quite diverse.
Wormwood leaned over to Hairy, “did you notice…”
“No talking!” Moo’d the lead Bull. He gave Wormwood a slight slap in the back of the head for punctuation.
Wormwood was about to ask Hairy if he noticed a similarity between the Cow Village and Tristam. The buildings were of a different architecture, but they were roughly the same size and in the same location. As they were marched through the village, they noticed that every cow was immersed in the day to day activities that typified a “human” village. Also, they drew nothing more that curious glances from the adult bovines. The younger ones, the calves, formed a rag-tag escort for the column. Pretending that they too were soldiers returning with prisoners.
The march ended at a sort of jailhouse. The companions were herded into a cell of their own. There were several other cells adjacent to theirs that had occupants as well. One cell held a monkey. Another, right next to theirs had a few humans and yet another held a Lion, a Scarecrow, a Tin Man and a small girl in a blue dress.
The “soldiers” locked their cell and left them alone with the other prisoners. Shaft sat on the floor and cradled Woody’s head in her lap. He had a gash on the crown of his head that she began to treat as best she could given the circumstances. Hairy wandered over to the bars dividing their cell with the one with the humans and Wormwood went over to the bars between them and the Lion, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the small girl in a blue dress.
“Excuse me,” a man said to Hairy in a Spanish accent. He wore brown pants and a brown vest over a white shirt. His hair was long and curly. “You dona happin to ‘ave sis fingers ona your right hand?”
“What are you? A Mexican?” Hairy replied.
“No sir, I ama a Spaniard. Ana I hate to pry, buy do’ya happin to ‘ave sis fingers ona your right hand?”
Hairy blinked in confusion. He held up his right hand to the Spaniard to show that he only had five fingers.
The Spaniard sighed. “You see, my fatha was a slaughtered by a sis fingered man. When I find this man, I will say ‘Hallo, my name is Enigo Montoya, you kill my fatha, prepare to die!’ But it hasa been twenty years, I ama beginning to get discouraged.”
Hairy raised his left wrist before his face and said, “Oooh, darn it, look at the time! I think I need to go check on my friend.” Hairy moved away from the Spaniard, mumbling “freak” under his breath the whole way.
Wormwood had an equally bizarre encounter. He had approached the bars and looked at the four odd characters before him.
“Let me guess,” he opened, “Dorothy, right?”
The Lion, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the little girl in a blue dress wore guarded expressions. They did not respond.
“C’mon, don’t be shy honey, is your name Dorothy or not? I’m only asking because we seem to be in a bit of a jam here. If you’re Dorothy, and you do have those nice red shoes, I’d appreciate it if you’d click those bad boys together three times, go home, and BRING SOME FRIGGIN’ HELP!”
The Lion began to shiver.
“Now see here!” The Tin Man said in a less than menacing voice.
Wormwood pointed behind the group and shouted “Look! Lions and tigers and bears!”
The Lion, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the little girl in the blue dress nearly jumped out of their skins (and pelts). “OH MY!” Came the immediate reply.
“Hehehehe,” Wormwood laughed to himself, “gets ‘em every time.” He walked over and joined Shaft at about the same time that Hairy was returning.
“So what now?” Hairy asked.
“I guess we wait.” Shaft replied.
Shortly thereafter, two cows, with an escort of soldiers, entered the jailhouse. They were dressed in robes. The robes had absolutely no effect on covering their protruding udders. “You will come with us,” a cow moo’d. “Do not be afraid, you will not be harmed. The soldiers here will carry your friend.”
“That won’t be necessary,” replied Hairy. “We can manage just fine thankyouverymuch.”
To his friends surprised, Woody sprang to his feet. “I can walk, I don’t need to be carried.” As Shafts expression began to darken he continued, “now Shaft, don’t be mad. I was in my own little slice of heaven while I was laying there with my head in your lap. I just couldn’t resist.” Woody grinned an impish grin.
Shafts expression softened and the companions were marched out of the cell, out of the jailhouse and into the unknown…
To Be Continued…
The Adventures of Woody and Hairy:
Part Eight: The Cow Level part 3: Juxtapositions and Reality Folds.
Note: this story is based on Beyond Naked Mages, I suggest you check out the web page before you read this, you may appreciate it more. Also, this is a work in progress and you can find the earlier chapters there as well.
If you enjoy this series, drop me a line, I like to hear feedback.
Http://www.win.net/homefield/diablo
[When we last left our heroes, Shaft the rogue, Woody, Hairy and Wormwood the beyond naked mages had been captured on the Cow Level. All of their worldly possessions were gone, right down to the clothes on their backs. They weren’t naked however, they were garbed in animal fur loincloths. Shaft was sporting a fashionable fur bikini (leopard skin of course). They had just been visited in their jail cell by a Cow that was now instructing them to follow her (it?)]
On with the story…
The four stalwart Adventurers, Shaft, Woody, Hairy and Wormwood, followed the cow out of their cells and into the street. As they left the jailhouse they saw a bull with clipped horns giving some sort of directions to a group of cows. The bull finished his business and joined the group.
“Allow me to introduce myself,” he moo’d. “My name is Cornelius and the beautiful cow that has escorted you out of our jailhouse is my wife, Dr. Zira.”
“Oh, your right about that,” Woody broke in. “Her beauty astonishes me. In fact, right at this very moment I’m imagining her smothered in barbecue sauce and holding a baked potato.”
“Shut up you fool!” Shaft hissed as she elbowed Woody in the gut. As he doubled over, grasping for air, he was eye-level to her, um, bikini top. She noticed him gawking and smacked him on the head for good measure.
The cows moo’d a chuckle.
“Whenever your finished,” Cornelius moo’d. “We have a quick tour planned which will be followed by a sort of question-answer period. After that…” He let the statement trail off. “First, my wife will take a moment to clarify some things.”
As Dr. Zira began talking, the rag-tag group weaved it’s way through the Cow Village. With so many similarities between the Cow’s Village and Tristam, the companions paid very little attention to their surroundings and instead focused on Dr. Zira’s moo’ving oration (insert for DeVasque).
“I’m sure by now your very confused about what’s going on. That’s natural, don’t be worried. You are in a plane of existence that has seen many changes over the past several million years. This plane, the ‘Cow Level’ as you affectionately call it, touches all other planes of existence through ‘juxtapositions’ and ‘”reality” folds.’ It’s really a very complex phenomenon, before I get into it, let me give a quick history of the ‘Cow Level.’”
“On this plane of existence, each creature gets a shot at being the dominant species. It was originally a human controlled society. The humans were at the top of the food chain for a very, very long time. But, humans are self-destructive by nature, and eventually the balance of power shifted. Gradually, the human dominance waned and the apes took over. They also held sway for many thousands of years and this plane of existence became known as ‘The Planet of the Apes.’ Those were dark times. The Apes were cruel, much worse than the humans, but as all things do, their dominance came to an end as well. Many, many, times the balance of power shifted. Many, many species rose to the top of the food chain for a brief period. Some held sway for a few generations, some longer. They were good times and bad as all sorts of creatures got to be ‘king for a day’ so to speak. Anyways, we are now in the time of the Cows. We have been in control for many thousands of years and will soon pass the Apes for second place in length of power.”
“Now, as for the matter of how you came to be with us. This plane of existence is susceptible to a peculiar phenomenon know as ‘Juxtapositions and “Reality” Folds.’ A juxtaposition, as you know is simple word describing two things that are side by side. That is the first part of how you came to be with us. Earlier I said that this plane touches all others. That wasn’t entirely accurate. What IS accurate is that this plane is juxtaposed with all others, meaning that they are essentially side-by-side. On occasion, the juxtaposed planes of ‘reality’ touch eachother, or “fold” if you will, and travel between planes is possible. Hence, here you are!”
“Hang on a sec,” Shaft said as she increased here pace until she was stride for stride with Dr. Zira. “You’ve emphasized the word ‘reality’ each time you’ve moo’d it. Will you please explain what you mean.”
Dr. Zira smiled in her own little coy cow way. “Good question! Reality is a hard concept for some people to fathom. Most people think in terms of their own little existence and fail to realize that reality is quite simply defined as what people believe is real. For example, that Spaniard back in the holding cell. Was he real? He sure thinks that he is and I’m sure that you’d agree, but, the people that ‘imagined’ him into existence think that he is nothing more than that. A figment of their imagination. However, their imagination gave him an existence and he then believed that existence to be real. That’s the way of things. You’d probably be surprised to know that there are some humans that don’t think that YOU are real. However, there are some that do, or did, and that gave you the opportunity to ‘believe’ that you were real!”
“Ok,” Woody interrupted, “whatever you say you sassy little prime rib. I only have one question.”
“Yes?” Dr. Zira moo’d in an amused tone.
“Are we gonna have a chance to spend some time with the Lion, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the little girl in the blue dress? The reason I’m asking is ‘cause I REALLY wanted to ask if it was true what they say about the ‘Dark Side of the Moon.’ I just gotta know…”
“Sorry,” Dr. Zira moo’d, “that won’t be possible.”
“Damn.”
“I have a question,” said Wormwood, “you mentioned that many-species of creatures had a shot at being at the top of the food chain. Care to give us the highlights?”
“Sure thing, like I said, there were good times and bad times. There were also comical times. The good times and bad times are pretty intuitive. You know, the Time of the Tribbles was good and the Time of the ‘One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple People-Eaters’ was pretty crappy. It’s the comical ones that really stand out. For instance, the time of the Oompa-Loompa’s was pretty hilarious. Imagine these little green skinned midgets in these silly white overall’s savagely torturing their life long tormentors; the Vamiscious Knids. Geez, that was hysterical. Another example is when ‘Fred Garvin: Male Prostitute’ was king of the world. Heh, everyone had to wear these nasty plaid jackets and big white belts. The men were happy and the women were miserable. Not that women didn’t have their grand champion as well. The Time of ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ was an age of lesbianism ripe with frustrated males that were denied the one thing they really wanted: carnal knowledge of, and with, lesbians. The list goes on and on…”
As Dr. Zira let her answer trail off, the party of adventures and the Bull/Cow escort reached and amphitheater of sorts. As they entered, their escort lead the Adventurers through a tunnel and into the center of a large oval field of grass surrounded by stadium seats. The seats were nearly filled to capacity with Cows, Bulls and Calves. The Adventurers were led to the center of the field where a larger pile of what appeared to be their equipment was laying. Their gear was also intermixed with similar equipment, although much more powerfully magik’d. On the other side of the pile were three humans, two male and one female. They looked absolutely terrified.
“You have now reached a turning point in your stay with us,” Cornelius moo’d. “You can remain here and assume the role of the indigenous human population, which is to say “beasts of burden,” or you can go home. There is a catch however, in order to go home you must defeat, in combat, the humans across the pile from you. They too are from your “reality” and have chosen to fight rather than stay. Your gear and theirs is in the pile before you. If you choose to fight, you may select your gear from the pile first.”
“Hell,” Hairy said, “that ain’t no real choice. No way I’m living the rest of my days pulling a plow.” With that he went over to the pile and began rooting through it. All of the others joined him and began digging through the pile.
“What the hell is this crap?” Wormwood exclaimed.
It became apparent that anything that wasn’t theirs was fairly ridiculous in it’s power.
“You mean to tell me that those snotty-nosed punks over there have Godly Plate of the Whale for their armor?” Wormwood continued.
Sure enough, there were three sets of Godly Plate of the Whale in the pile along with King’s swords of Haste, Indestructible Staffs of Nova, etc.
The adventurers paused.
“I don’t know about you guys,” Woody said. “But I sure as hell ain’t leaving here without my stuff. I might look like a lamb on his way to the slaughter with my gear, but no punk-ass-lamer is going to get his hands on my Clumsy Bow of the Pit unless he’s prying it from my dead hands.” Having said that, Woody picked his stuff out of the pile. The rest of the group nodded in agreement and went after their stuff as well.
As it became apparent that the adventurers weren’t going to take anything that wasn’t theirs, the three humans that stood waiting their turn began to grin viscous little grins. Their anxiety turned quickly to a bold confidence. As the last of the adventurers retrieved their gear, the three remaining humans got their turn. They pounced on their stuff and soon they stood facing the Adventurers. Once they were boldly ensconced in their armor the three humans (one a Mage, one a Warrior and the last a Rogue) proudly proclaimed that they were the three principle members of the “Awsome and Koo Ass-Kicking-Cheating-Pkilling-Hack using-Lameass Lamers Klan of lower Michigan” and that they would fashion a necklace out of the Adventurers ears!
It didn’t take any direction from Cornelius before the melee began. As soon as the first Mana Shield was raised, all hell broke loose.
Shaft went one on one with the Sorcerer and soon had the better of him. He fought stupidly, relying on his gear to win the day. He flung fireball after fireball at Shaft, but none of them struck home. Shaft continued to circle him, never stopping in one place, and fired arrow after arrow into the Mage. Before long, his resources were depleted and his death scream proceeded the last breath that would ever leave his body.
Woody found himself one on one with the Rogue who proclaimed herself to be a Rouge. He knew that if he stopped moving, she would get a bead on him and it would be all over. He kept on dodging her arrows and when the opportunity presented itself, he cast a firewall right on to of her. Her screams of pain were pure joy. Joy turned to horror. As he was backing away from the “Rouge” he stumbled over a dead Mage’s body. The pause was enough for the “Rouge” to get a bead on him. With a wicked cackle, she took aim and fired arrow after arrow into the hapless Beyond Naked Mage’s body. His mana shield absorbed the initial onslaught, but soon it fell and Woody crumbled.
“NO!” Shaft screamed. She had just felled the Mage when Woody tripped over his corpse. She watched in horror as the “Rouge” peppered Woody with arrows. As he fell, she was already turning her deadly aim on the gloating “Rouge.” The “Rouge” was so absorbed in her own kill that she never saw Shafts incoming barrage. Although the damage was greatly reduced by the gear the “Rouge” was wearing, she was in stun-lock and unable to counter-attack. Soon Shaft had her second kill as the “Rouge” collapsed.
Hairy and Wormwood were getting nowhere with the Warrior. He was just too powerful for them. They phased in and out while hitting him with every spell in their books, nothing seemed to work. Elementals crashed into him, he kept on coming. Firballs immolated him, he kept on coming. No matter what attack the mages could muster, he kept on coming. The melee had reached a stalemate though. While they weren’t able to damage him, the Mages were deft enough to stay out of his reach and thus remained unharmed as well.
The Warrior had had enough. He heard the death crys of his companions and it was now time to end this nonsense. He sheathed his sword and drew forth a staff carved with runes. As he looked up he saw those two annoying ass Mages readying a spell. Too late for them. He saw the Rogue that had felled his comrades notch and arrow, and point it at him. Too late for her. He spoke the words of power. Lightning erupted in a wave from his position. He spoke the words again. And again. And again. Waves and waves of lightning flew from his staff. After the first few waves, he heard the Mages wail in death. He felt the Rogue’s arrows bouncing off of his armor, but she needed to do better than that. Before long he was rewarded with her death scream as well. He grinned in triumph…
[A short while later, Dr. Zira and Cornelius sat together alone in their house…]
“So what have we learned?” Cornelius mused.
“Well, it’s apparent that strength lies with those that favor equipment in place of skill. But, I believe that if those Mages were equipped on par with their abilities, the outcome would have been VERY lopsided indeed. The “Awsome and Koo Ass-Kicking-Cheating-Pkilling-Hack using-Lameass Lamers Klan of lower Michigan” wouldn’t have stood a chance.
“I agree.”
“So what now?”
“I guess we just wait for more test subjects…”
“I sure don’t envy the headache those Adventurers will have when they wake up. Too bad we had to give them that drug that erases their memories. I kinda liked them, they were very refreshing.”
“Yeah, me too. It’s the way it must be though. In their plane of existence, the Cow Level is a myth. Without that sort of ambiguity, our test results would be skewed.”
“I know, I know.”
“Well,” Cornelious moo’d, “what now?”
“Hmmm,” Dr. Zira moo’d a hmmm, “lets go have a talk with that ET thingy, I’m curious how he does that finger-glow trick…”
[In the cow field once again…]
Wormwood awoke with a splitting headache. His mouth tasted horrible, sorta like he’d been chewing on a skunk’s. Everything was a little fuzzy and the last thing he remembered was licking some cows nose.
He looked around and saw his companions strewn about the field. Hairy was laying in a fresh pile of cow manure and Woody was laying in top of Shaft.
Hehehe, Hairy laughed to himself as he stood and brushed himself off. Old Woodrow will sure get an ass-kicking when Shaft wakes up.
Hairy’s laughter faded as he headed back to the Inn to clean himself off. As he entered town, he was sure that he heard a womans voice coming from the direction he had just come from. Make that a VERY pissed off woman’s voice.
The Lord of Terror Diablo module for NWN nights is great, but it has always been missing cursed items.
I'v been thinking of creating a small module that would allow players to easily obtain cursed items before starting a actual module.
It would pretty much only be a shop called the Asylum that would allow you to purchase cursed items for minimal gold.
Although this module would be created for personal usage, I would be uploading it to NWvault if anyone else was interested in such a module.
In the case where people are interested, is there any other function that people want implemented. I can't make any promises, but I could certaintly try to implement it.
I'd be interested, that would be a lot of fun. Although, I think I'd enjoy it even more in Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, when it comes out.
In fact, I think I may just go through the TESCS original package and change every, say... 20th item to a random cursed item from Diablo. It would be different since, if it is like Morrowind, the magical item drops aren't random. But I still think it would be fun.
Especially with the new, involved combat system, a fighter/mage with crappy gear could be really entertaining :D
I was wondering if anyone had any tips for finding "Of the Dark" items. I'm looking for it for stealth purposes, but maybe some "beyond naked" variant players knew something helpful. I was looking in the Jarulf (or whatever it's called) Diablo guide which had some rather confusing formulas for figuring out something like this. Anyway, I was wondering if there are certain places or difficulty levels which do or do not give you "of the dark" items (I read that apparently a Helm of Spirits is only possible on Levels 2 and 3 on Nightmare or Hell difficulty). Any help would be appreciated, or if this is a stupid question because it is the same everywhere on every difficulty level, please tell me.
Items "Of the Dark" are qlvl 6 and considered cursed. This means:
(1) A monster must be at least mlvl 6 to drop the affix.
(2) A dungeon source (chest, e.g.) can drop it beginning on dlvl 3.
(3) The affix cannot generate in town or from boss monster drops.
Mlvl 6 monsters are Horrors, Black Deaths, Shadow Beasts, Burning Dead Captains, and the like. These guys start showing up on dlvl 3, so that's not a bad place to start looking. You'll also have decent luck hunting through the early-mid Catacombs.
The only difference that game difficulty will make in hunting "Of the Dark" items is the base type of the items that you find. Higher difficulty monsters can drop more base types, so it's possible to get things like Full Plate of the Dark and so forth -- not that FPM of the Dark is useful to a BNM.
I would recommend playing at least Nightmare for cursed item hunts. Not only do you stand the chance of finding cursed items with interesting base types (consider a nice highly durable cursed Ring Mail), but you can also find some rare and interesting unique items (which many players like simply for the novelty value). Jewelry is another factor: low level monsters that could not drop jewelry in Normal will be able to drop jewelry in Nightmare. Monetary gains are better in Nightmare also, so you'll be able to pay for all the potions you drink while dungeon crawling. Logistically speaking, Nightmare's a good idea.
Regarding Helm of Sprits: Your analysis is correct in that it has a very small window of opportunity. HoS is qlvl 1; Overlord's is qlvl 7; Helm type is qlvl 8. By the time Helms can drop in Normal, any unique helm will be Overlord's. In Nightmare and Hell, the mlvl bonus to base type allows monsters mlvl 1-6 to drop HoS. It's still theoretically possible to find HoS from these monsters as late as dlvl 5, but the ideal hunting zone is dlvls 2-3 due to the low mlvl boss monsters.
"I was expecting someone to tell me to go fornicate myself with an iron stick"
I would, but I'm afraid that you'd be offended. Lets just say I'm getting a bit eccentric as time goes by, so it really ends up a sort of friendly'good bye'.
Anyway, My characters spent a lot of time in the lower Church and upper Catacombs looking for dozens of Night and Darkness items. Like Lemming says, Church 3+4 down to Cats 1+2 are the best, Nightmare giving you the best range of gear. Be on the lookout for shrines and spellbooks, and watch out for Black Death zombies that can permanently take away your hitpoints. They are also common on those levels.
does anyone know where to find the stories that were on the original BNM site about wormwood? Those were really awesome and I would like to read them again.
This is the 3rd such request for material from Woody's old site I've seen in a month. Since I have a copy, I'd like to host the site on my server, Ideally so that Woody himself could get it back and maintain it again. and to that end have tried to contact him about permissions etc. No response so far though. There's a real desire for this material still. and it'd be great to have it mirrored to other Diablo sites. That way people could see the Asylum the way it was.
Made my annual pilgramage to the Asylum board and can't believe there is still activity.
I don't have the old site(s) saved anywhere, but I still have the stories. I still read 'em myself from time to time. Email me at the yahoo addy above and I'd be happy to send them to whoever wants them. Plus, I don't know if Woody and the Snakes was ever published on my site, but I can include that one as well.
-The One True Woody (now an XBox gamer to the core...gt: Ezekiel 25i7)
*Anyone that remembers me from back in the day will appreciate that XBox Live GT of mine :)
PASADENA CENTER
PASADENA, CALIFORNIA
JANUARY 14, 15 AND 16, 2005
MEET the stars from Lord of the Rings
Including: Elijah Wood, Billy Boyd, Sean Astin and many, many more will be there. Show info here: http://www.oneringcelebration.com
Join the party !