Nat. A Lie.
In the Interests of Science
By bobalooga, September 09, 2009
Scientists are very interested in Big Brother 11 houseguest Natalie. It turns out she is an experiment by an obscure and somewhat stoned subset of Arizona State's bioresearch team to discover the lengths to which someone will go to avoid telling the truth. Evidently they told her that if she ever told the truth in the house without absolute necessity, she would have some horrible ending to her fragrant young life. Possibly forced bathing was threatened.
How else do we explain the evidence that she makes things up for no reason? It isn't enough to be the most proficient prevaricator this season, she also needs to invent things which have no relevance in the game or effect on gameplay. Apparently the lyin' side of life includes lying to herself as well, since she thought it would be a good idea to don an oversize bathrobe, plastic crown, and weild a pool-cue bridge as a wand as she paraded around the house on nomination night. As a costume it was passable, but her insistence that she WAS in fact the Queen of the house (Kevin BEGS to disagree) leaves us wondering if maybe there was a little something special in the champagne that caused her to don the regal garb before waddling around the house that evening.
Speaking of waddling, does anyone else get the impression that her lower body is magically possessed by a pair of directionally challenged ducks? That's the only way I can explain how her gait makes me feel as I see the left leg jerk away into the kitchen while the right leg heads for the bathroom. I can almost hear the Daffy Duck voice saying
"Thith way, thmelly girl!" "No, THITH way!"
But I digress, gait analysis isn't the point here. Science is our goal, fellow knowledge seekers! So, how can we determine what motivates our young rose to lie so much? Well, we called our crack research team for answers. (Our crack research team doesn't actually research crack anymore, but Delores still indulges) They helped us out by bribing a former classmate at ASU to spill the beans on Nat's problem with the truth.
According to sources close to the Gnat(but not close enough to smell her, so like 800feet), she was approached by the ASU bioresearch department and offered a free exorcism of her inner duck if she would participate in a study to determine the limits of human lying abilities. A test subject would have to NEVER let an opportunity to lie pass by, even in the most innocuous of circumstances. Our girl readily agreed, seeing that it fit perfectly into her course of study (ASU's 6 year undergraduate degree for the lazy). She was released into the wild with tracking tags implanted in her eyebrows on June 1st, 2009. Since that time her interactions have been monitored not only by Big Brother watchers everywhere, but also six guys in lab coats in an ASU dorm via webcam. We didn't ask for their researcher credentials, we just assume that folks in lab coats mean well.
So how is the experiment going? We asked the lead lab coat guy, who calls himself Doctor Boner, what they have learned. We include his answer unedited.
"Dude, she's like kinda hot! But nasty, man, like she don't shower, you know? Like, I seen her in the shower like TWICE and that was why we wanted the cameras everywhere, man! I'm like bummed we ain't seen no skin, know what I mean? Hey bro, you gonna eat them Cheetos?"
We don't get it, but everyone knows that Science is Good, so we wish the advance of science well.