Well I've been a busy doggy again!

Between jigging about to middle-aged businessmen I've been on my hot phone calling TSO's in the middle of the night until they made a things with "lb" on it say "kg".

Similarly I went to an estate agent and demanded that they change all the adverts about houses to say it in sexy metres rather than nasty old horrid feet and inches.

Later on I went past some teenagers and when one of them said his height in feet and inches I went right up to his ear, drew in a full metric lungfull of air, and screamed as loudly as I could for the full length of my breath. His girlfriend asked why I did this and I explained that he willingly chooses metres to describe his height - which he then did. This is absolute PROOF of something or other.

Next I went to a golf course and when anyone said "yard" or "yards" I coughed out "metre" or "metres" thus, once again, proving that they chose to say the word metre they did, yes.

On my walk to the next town (I'm banned from driving as I've caused a number of accidents whilst using a well known correction fluid on my speedometer) I didn't see ONE sign in imperial. But I did have my head bandaged up where I walked into a big roundabout sign with my eyes closed whilst hearing people say "kilogram" all the time.

Talking of which - having consumed about a kilogram of "special mushrooms" I phoned up some TSO's again (despite my phone seemingly turning into a hamster and offering me a cup of tea).

Then I went home and switched my TV on. Unfortunately I accidentally put my boot through the 86.12211 cm screen because some people accidentally said some things in imperial before packing their bags and moving to France.

Later I decided to go to the pub wher I did not hear any Australians because they don't come here. For some reason they (the bouncers) kept throwing me out. I got barred from 12 pubs in total. Where's their sense of humour? All I did was throw my half a litre and a bit of lager over the serving girl/boy at the point they said "pint" just so I can help them choose to say metric words.

Still, it was refreshing to imagine that the butcher shops and greengrocers in the same street only showed price per kilogram - strong stuff these mushrooms, you know?

On my walk home (backwards so as not to see any signs - I'm not falling for *that* one again) I noticed, in the dark, people erecting signs that said "My house, 200 metres" with a little arrow underneath - proof again, folks, that ordinary Britons are CHOOSING to say the word "metre" instead of the word "yard" and "I'm a little teapot short and stout" instead of "Madame, you have the right to remain silent as I arrest you for possessing a controlled substance".

And if Crimewatch UK ****DARE**** quote my height in feet and inches ...

(sound of inhalation as lungs are filled....)

Hello,

Well - between grassing on ordinary people by ripping them off for selling in the units they were asking in - I had a few spare moments to go for walkies around a big DIY/Home improvement store simply to look at things with metric words on it.

As I walked around I heard a woman and her teenage daughter looking at aerial cables. The mother was saying "This one is 5 metres, is that enough?" and the daughter says "Perhaps this one is better, 10 metres?". They spend some time trying to decide and saying things like "will it go far enough?" and so forth. Eventually the mother said "10 metres? That's 30ft isn't it?" to which her daughter said "30 feet? Sh*t! That'll be enough to cable up the neighbours!!! Yeah that'll do."

So there you go - proof that people in Britain say "metres" and choose to use metres.

Also proof that kids swear too much if you ask me!

I mean, "ft" ??

Now *this* is a thread-and-a-half!