Respond to this messageReturn to Index
Original Message
  • Swansong......a toe tag is no solution to an identity crisis

      • Posted May 9, 2005 2:40 PM

      INT. FEDERAL COURTROOM MANHATTAN - DAY

      Scene opens with end of major felony trial in NYC Federal Court; defendant is notorious International Public Enemy Type Red Mafiya gangster Ivan Atrovsky; they are awaiting the jury verdict......
      DEFENSE COUNSEL
      has just left courtroom to attend the men's room and is approached by lead Prosecutor Angela Fassbach, star testosterone wannabe bitch of the office, man-hater, all-around egoist from hell

      Kind of in a hurry, got a call from Mom Nature...
      PROSECUTOR
      Don't bother; what I have to say may just moot out your efforts to avoid shitting/pissing your pants: Look, the Attorney General and I had an interesting talk about your bullshit tactics in this case; now, you may have skated past the Judge on this one, but I'm sure you've heard of the National Security Court, lead-lined walls, secret indictments, ringing any bells?
      DEFENSE COUNSEL
      Are you seriously threatening me with that crap you use on mid-level career types buried deep in the bowels of the Beast you work for; because if you are, my bowels've got an answer for you....
      (he walks away to the head)
      PROSECUTOR
      Hey, don't believe me; but when you start calling that stall your office, we may have another chat on current and future affairs, as in those you'll be having with some other potential clients in some government housing I have in mind.
      (she reenters Courtroom)
      Bailiff asks for defense counsel table to find all counsel, as Judge has heard from jury foreman
      BAILIFF
      All rise!
      JUDGE
      Very well, are all counsel and defendants present?
      DEFENSE COUNSEL
      Yes, your honor, although I don't see Ms. Fassbach.
      JUDGE
      Her deputy is here; she has informed the Court that she has been called to Washington by the Atty General; let's proceed. Has the jury reached a verdict?
      FOREPERSON
      Yes, your Honor; the jury finds the defendants Ivan Atrovsky, Anatole Kasspar and Grigori Skinski ........Not guilty as charged on all 17 counts, the Government having failed to meet its burden of proof; so say we all.
      (usual uproar, despite Judge's gavel )
      JUDGE
      Counsel, your clients are free to go; Court adjourned.
      [CUT TO LA, NEXT SCENE......SIX MONTHS LATER]
      Ultra-Luxury Automobile & Concierge Boutique Dealership, LA; "Swanson" ,our former NY criminal defense lawyer whose real name is Mike Lowenstein has gone into an informal federal protection program at the STRONG urging of the Feds, who may want him as a future witness against his former clients.
      SERGIO
      All right, now you are about to undergo oral examination for your PHDs, as in Philosophy of this Dealership: we are not sales staff, we are Accoutrement Attaches and our task, if we decide to accept you, is to make real that which is desired in automotive and other excess; gentlemen, and lady, we, the select, will enable the Select to select their metallic fantasy of themselves in motion. Very well

      ON THE SCREEN YOU SEE A NEW CLIENT DEPICTED IS A YOUNG FEMALE MODEL, ACCOMPANIED BY AN OLDER ESCORT

      -----he may be her father, lover, agent, brother, you don't know; Smyther, they are yours.......
      SMIKE SWANSON
      How ya doon, ahh, molta bella, aren't you one of the Solid Gold dancers?? Signore, how may I serve you? I already know that what you wish is not to be found on a showroom floor, on display for anyone and everyone. Am I correct? Good; now, shall we commission our automotive artists to create Your kinetic sculpture......
      SERGIO
      What the hell are you doing? Is this some Vegas stand-up act or your attempt at perfect failure?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Begging your pardon, but that is Carmine Rizzoli and his companion is Jill Jasperson, supermodel; he has just purchased the Simpson place for her and is about to present her with a one of a kind Masserati, this he has made known to certain intimate sources with whom I am acquainted-----but such information you could not have had. They will be instantly recognizable to you once you have seen my autographed papperazi collection with certain personages of Hollywood and the world.
      SERGIO
      (Calling downstairs to his staff)
      Caroline, did you assemble the slides for our little meeting here? Yes, could you come upstairs, please.
      (Knock at the door )
      CAROLINE
      You called?
      SERGIO
      Aren't these the random stereotype photos we got from the wallet and frame manufacturer next door?
      CAROLINE
      No, sir; this is the celebrity wheel that the ownership put together for promotional purposes, I must have gotten them mixed up.
      SERGIO
      Fine; thanks, you may go.
      (turning to SS)
      Let's see how you handle this next one....
      (He clicks the prompter and Frank Sinatra comes up with his daughter Nancy)
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Well, those boots are made for walking.....and, uh,well, he isn't.
      [Laughter from other two classmates]
      SERGIO
      We're going to take a recess, kids; be back in an hour.
      CUT TO MOMENTS LATER:
      Sergio's office; SS is seated across from him, looking at a young woman's photo behind Sergio
      SERGIO (CONT'D)
      I suppose you know what she drives, mmm?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Well, now that you ask, I would say something domestic, high-end, but domestic; silver metallic, isn't it?
      SERGIO
      ( Shocked at this uncanny guesswork about his girlfriend's car)
      It happens to be a BMW!
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Oh, the German company out in South Carolina? I think they're made there now, started up a year before your friend's was created there, as I recall.
      SERGIO
      OK, truce, my well-informed psychic freak. Look, I don't know how you managed that celebrity bingo trick today, but let's just hope you keep it up and we'll all make serious money.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Deal; hey, no hard feelings, right? Look, come by my place this weekend and I'll show you some of my secrets.
      CUT TO FLASHBACK:
      EXT. OUTDOOR MOVIE SET NIAGRA FALLS - DAY

      Flashback to 1957:" Smike" Lowenstein, age 10
      MRS. LOWENSTEIN
      Look, dear; it's that beautiful movie star from the black and white film we watched last week on television, remember?
      MIKE LOWENSTEIN
      Wow, mommy, gonna get her autograph!
      (he runs off in her direction)
      MOVIE GODDESS
      (she notices a little boy tugging on her dress)
      Well, hello there, and what's your name?
      MIKE LOWENSTEIN
      ItSmike! Couldya...uh.....sign your name.........
      (he has a bit of a speech slur due to nervousness)
      MOVIE GODDESS
      (she sends an aide to get an 8x10)
      There we are, "To Smike, best wishes, Ava Gardner"---how's that?
      (she adds the crowning touch by kissing the photo, leaving a lipstick imprint)
      MIKE LOWENSTEIN
      Gee whiz, th...thanks!
      (running to his mom)
      Look what I got!
      MRS. LOWENSTEIN
      Well, now, isn't that lovely of her...
      (she notices the misspelled name, but ignores it for his sake)
      We're going to have to frame this and put it up in the living room!
      CUT TO:
      later that year, Little Smike---the nickname stuck, due to its magical source---- is listening to an Elvis LP, holding the album jacket in his hands; he is alone in his room; he picks up a ballpoint pen and starts writing......
      NARRATOR (V.O.)

      "To Smike, keep on rockin' n rollin', Your Pal Elvis P....."
      His heart was pounding; he had seen a toy guitar recently with a really hokey ELVIS fake signature on it------everybody knew it wasn't real, but they liked it with the fake E L V I S on it anyway; his looked REAL!




      He was hooked; how many people, especially kids, had ever seen Elvis' signature anyway! It was all a matter of credibility and perception, even with the so-called "authenticated" big-ticket baseballs and anything else a celebrity could or would sign, including long-dead persons like Abe Lincoln; I mean, anyone can research the "actual" signature and do a great copy, right down to the ink, paper, etc. Remember the Hitler Diaries, they're still debating that thing.

      No, even experts disagreed, you never had unanimity. Sure he knew this as a lawyer later in life, but little Smike instinctively knew this as a kid, in his intuition-powered gut----yes, he had the makings of an expert forger, although that he didn't or wouldn't forsee. What he did know was that this would get him lots of admirers, especially girls.....
      Only they were actually allowed to hold the autographed album in their hands; guys might soil it.
      By the time he was in college, he had boxes full of albums, hard to find photos , including a Rat Pack Oceans 11 publicity shot with all the gang's signatures, dedicated to Smike, of course. It wasn't as if he was selling them or otherwise committing real fraud; no, just spreading joy and wonder wherever he put on his one man show, including the girls dorm......
      CUT TO FLASHBACK IN COED DORM:
      In such a dorm room with an attractive redhead named....he was terrible with names, other than celebrities, that is......he was deep into his rap

      SMIKE LOWENSTEIN
      Yeah, me and two other friends of mine were roadies for the Buckinghams on their first summer tour; it was incredible----one of our jobs was to screen the groupies, you know, only 10s got through.....You would have made it, no problem. And this one
      ( he pulls a photo of Paul Revere and the Raiders out of his portfolio case-----he got it from a photography job he really worked that summer------)
      "The British are coming for you, man; thanks for being so cool, Paul , et.al." Hey I've been lucky, that's all.
      Redhead is moving toward him on the bed, obviously intending to get intimate
      FADE OUT.
      INT. SMIKE'S CONDO - EVENING

      Back to the present, Smike is showing part of his collection to Sergio and his lady friend: Sergio is especially impressed with the Sinatra "collection"
      SERGIO
      Where did you come by this one?
      It is the Rat Pack shot he got from a nostalgia shop years ago, of course, sans the personal touches
      SMIKE SWANSON
      I'm glad you asked; my dad was a theatre manager at the Paramount in NY and, well, he had pull with the distributor execs-----got em all to Hancock it for me.
      SERGIO
      You know, these are real selling tools: these two have got to come to the office, trust me on this.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Hey, you're the boss; anything for the cause.
      SERGIO
      (His girl pulls a bottle of champagne from her oversized purse)

      This could be the start of a beautiful friendship; let's drink on it.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      That reminds me, got Bogie and Rains here somewhere....
      CUT TO:
      INT. SCHULTZ LUXURY BOUTIQUE/DEALERSHIP - DAY

      Monday morning at the dealership; Swanson is poised for his first big transaction; a dour looking man with a double chin and waist to match is sitting in Swanson's office, doing the paper work on a nice Maserati sedan he has just ordered----it's for an "associate", a surprise....he notices the conspicuously displayed photo on the wall of Blue Eyes
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Jeez, is dat Frank?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Ole Blue Eyes himself; very proud of that one.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      You got udders?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      A few; my dad was kinda in the entertainment field, and he had connections.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      He was 'connected'?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Well, you might say that; I wasn't actually there when he got the photo signed, but my father sure was; he loved Sinatra.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Who don't; you think I could see the others some time, maybe when I pick up the car?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      No problem; it's a date. Well, this is all wrapped up, is there anything else I may do to fulfill your needs Mr. Constanza?
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Maybe, not today though; gotta meetin in a few minutes; we'll be in touch.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Pleasure servicing your needs, sir.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Yeah, but will you respect me in the morning.......HAAAAAAAAA!
      (Nervous laughter from SS and the others nearby)
      FADE IN:

      scene opens six weeks later; Swanson has been setting sales records at the boutique, and his love life has picked up; he is having a romantic dinner at Spago with a lovely woman he met at the swanky dry cleaners near his office; she is a striking person, 30ish, a graduate student in psychology at UCLA evenings and a single mom; she had commented on his interesting wardrobe having speculated that he was in show business----thus began a coup de foudra
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Smyther, you haven't had much to say; que pasa, senor?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Sorry; it's just been such a new life for me, maybe just LALA fever.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Cute, I may use that one in my psych thesis: undiagnosable syndrome, featuring acute girlfriend......Ha, Ha.......with accompanying speech retardation and undifferentiated lust.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Now there's an emotion I can get my arms around. You know, this is the suit that got this complex system we call "us" started.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Versace never looked so good; seriously, you seem troubled, the Ph.D. to be is in, baby.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      I may never get well, if I can afford you. Hey, my former life was so different: yeah, the criminal law taught me to be the actor I need to be, but the people I deal with are either more subtle or I am more naïve than I feared.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Counselor, you can lean on me.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      You're very easy to be with----my highest compliment. I've told you about the divorce, how it nuked me and my world; I had to reinvent myself to the point of Patent Pending, for Christ's sake. You don't actually see that stamped on my forehead, do you, they promised me at the cloning factory that I'd be a new man.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      I know I'm a new woman; look, let it go: did you know that the Greek root of the word forgiveness means letting go. That was then, this is now. The important thing is to be present in the now, feel your mind's awareness of your breathing, your heartbeat.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Wow, you may owe royalties to Kenny Loggins for that one, reminds me of something you don't know about, my heart condition---the one you just diagnosed, not to mention created. Better get the check..
      (smiling)
      Later at his condo, in bed, post coitus
      SMIKE SWANSON (CONT'D)
      You know my autograph cachet? People get so turned on by it----I suppose that's why I started it as a kid. It started innocently enough, a way to be special, but it seems that it has defined my life. It's wild, I became a lawyer to stay out of Nam, but this hobby sort of took over. Weird; that make me a groupie?
      ISIS VISCAYA
      No, that's my job. Really, as long as it makes you happy, not loco, what's the harm is hero-worship, I mean it's not like worshipping El Diablo.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Depends on whose Bible you read;
      I'm glad you feel that way, because, well, 'Glad to meet you, hope you guessed my name........'
      they embrace and make love again, with the Stones tune blaring.....
      FADE OUT.
      INT. OCCIDENTAL ITALIAN MOB SOCIAL CLUB - DAY

      The scene opens on The Occidental Familia Social Club, where we find Mr. Mario Constanza in company with certain of his confreres, sorting out the details of the "homecoming" of their soon-to-be freed Boss of the Rapienza Family of California, Nevada and related territories.....; Sinatra tune, 'Come Fly with me' is playing in background
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      So, what yous is telling me, I gotta pick im up; look, I can't keep my trap shut and we're planning a fuckin surprise-----get outta here; here's the way it's gonna happen: Lou, you an Angelo are pickin up the Boss, cabish? Yous know how he freaks out over Sinatra and all that jazz. I got the car, but I also got some mementos, possibly for his collection, that will help to cheer him up after 5 in stir. Have I made my intenshuns crystal clear, or what? OK, then, noboby says a goddam woid about what I got planned. Any questions?
      ANGELO MASTROANI
      What if he ast me, ya no, about what's up, why ain't you, his second, there?
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Ya tell him the troot: I got a surprise for him dat I didn't want to blow; hey, it's not like he's fuckin packin heat or nuttin, right? HAAAHAAAAAA! Sore ite, got it?
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      So, we play it cool, biz as usual, nothing special, just another day in gangsta paradise, huh?
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Hey Lou, would it kill you to keep up on current events; read a fuckin paper, magazine, whatever, the Feds are gonna be watchin us, so low key is the.....key, right?! Now, whazon the agenda further; oh, yeah, hey, Matty, what ya got on this fuckin Swanson for me?
      MATTY MAZONE
      Here's the deal: felony prosecutor in Brooklyn for ten years, then flips to de udder side, reppin small timers mostly, but our guys are telling me that he got some bigdeal Commie fuckhead off a serious drug rap.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Gimme names, dates; I wanna know about his old man, how he's supposed to know Frank, everything, got it?
      MATTY MAZONE
      Goin out to Miami Beach, meetin wit a retired Underboss of the Fabergente crew who may know what's what, who's who.
      Mr. C leaves the building; Lou D. sits down with Matty
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Ain't it with an "m"?
      MATTY MAZONE
      What the fuck, what is with an "m"?
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Who.
      MATTY MAZONE
      That's what um askin you!
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Ya know,"Who's who."
      MATTY MAZONE
      You wanna get shot. What are you sayin, you whop you.
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      No, it ain't "what", it's "who" that might be the problem -----that's all I'm sayin, no big deal, Christ.
      MATTY MAZONE
      I'll tell ya who the fuck is who, and what is what: I ain't no Lou Costello, you ain't no Abbott, and who ain't on first, who is on last, as in how many chances you got to shut the fuck up!
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Hey, um done; go ahead, to each is owen; ignore good English, whom am I to tell yous.
      CUT TO:
      INT. ART DECO HOTEL ON SOUTH BEACH - DAY

      scene opens with Matty pushing the intercom in the vestibule of Anthony Visconte's art deco hotel building on Collins Ave, South Beach; the 80 year old "honorary don" of the Fabergente familia lives there with his cat Cleopatra, and has been there, done that, the dean.......
      MATTY MAZONE
      (responding to a loud 'Hello dere')
      Don Visconte, it's Matty Mazone from LA.
      [Buzzer sounds]
      ANTHONY VISCONTE
      Welcome, come in; join me on the terrace, you never know, you know?
      MATTY MAZONE
      Thank you so much for seein me on short notice; I bring salutations from Don Constanza hisself, and a small gift as a token of his respect
      (Matty hands the old man a stolen Rolex, limited edition.)
      ANTHONY VISCONTE
      He has mine; tank him for me, although time ain't no friend of mine any more.
      MATTY MAZONE
      Yeah, but the Don told me to tell you that it is a good charm cause it only looks ahead to the future and as long as you got it on it reminds you that you got one. Ain't dat poetry?
      ANTHONY VISCONTE
      A beaut-e-ful thought, that is; please sit, sit.
      he clicks on opera music as a reflexive cover against bugs, not knowing the Feds don't even know he is alive, which, of course, is one of the reasons he still is....
      MATTY MAZONE
      This is some set up ya got here; any of your old pals around?
      ANTHONY VISCONTE
      Nah, all we got here are Spics an goddam Russians claimin to be Jew refugees; it's something, the Israelis said no to Meyer but these fuckin clowns get Passports by the boxload; they ain't stupid, gives em protection from extradition if things go south.
      MATTY MAZONE
      I heard they're real whack jobs, they'll shoot ya just to see if their fuckin gun works!
      ANTHONY VISCONTE
      Well, let's just say that they lack finesse; we never woulda tried to pull some of the shit they do for kicks.
      MATTY MAZONE
      Don Visconte, I may need some dope on one of their top guys and also some new boy out in LA, an ex-New York attorney name of Smyther Swanson who may have repped him on a drug indictment a few years back.
      ANTHONY VISCONTE
      And they talk about our names: that's a WASP with a ten foot stinger! Sounds fake to me, as in undercover type shit.
      MATTY MAZONE
      You ain't kiddin, sounds phony to me; so this former mouthpiece, about 50ish is sellin------get this, they call it 'accoutermint acqwezishin attacheez'------top end cars, and who knows what all else, real hard to find shit-----to the bigspenders of the international set in LA. So, Mr. C. is there purchasing a welcome back gift for you know who and sees this picture of Sinatra with a personal dedication to this schmuck Swanson in his office; asks him how he got it and boom guy says his old man was 'connected'.
      ANTHONY VISCONTE
      What more did he say about his old man?
      MATTY MAZONE
      Worked at the Paramount Theatre as manager, whatever, and knew all the Hollywood execs of the day, that sort of bullshit.
      ANTHONY VISCONTE
      You know how they say old farts like me got total recall for all the early memories; it's the troot, and um telling you now for a fact that ain't no clown by that name ever run that spot. Used to be a bigtime venue, hell Frank did his early croonin there, the Skinny Guineau they called him. You had it right: it's bullshit. Guy by the name of Fred Allison or close to it was the manager there in the 40's and 50's. I know cause we ran him: you know, got him girls, all kinds of shit off the truck in exchange for no tab and accesss to backstage, plus a few concessions, ya know, nothing big. As far as your gold-plated liar goes, I guess he doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut; imagine his Russki client might be interested, if you need leverage.
      MATTY MAZONE
      Holy shit; can you find out if the guy's usin a fake name and who his commie client was; I mean I can get into the court records, but without names it could get me government attention-----for all we know, this guy is some kinda deep cover schmuck and the files are sealed or something.
      ANTHONY VISCONTE
      Sure, give me a few days and I'll have all that; matter of fact, let's go to dinner at a Russian spot I know. They give me respect.............................. along wit lots of information; they admire the way we used to do things, sorta like mythology for them.
      (They head out)
      FADE OUT.
      INT. BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP IN LA - DAY

      scene opens on Sergio and the owner of the boutique company in LA; the owner, a young dot com whiz who bought the operation after having been a very happy client, Tad Schultz, founder of comE.com----pronounced "commie", very prophetic------- which he sold to AOL for a mint
      TAD SCHULTZ
      Look, the Times wants to do a big story on us and I told the editor OK; so let's get this place looking its best; also, tell wonderboy that I want him to bring in some more pix from his collection-----tell him we'll insure them bigtime, no worries, all right. When is he back from New York?
      SERGIO
      In a week; the funeral is tomorrow and then he's staying for a long weekend, taking care of family business. I'll get him on the cell, if you like.
      TAD SCHULTZ
      No, let's respect his privacy at a time like this. I'll schedule the interviews and photography for a month from now to allow for plenty of prep time; anything else, gotta get up to Napa for some face time with my vintners.
      SERGIO
      One more thing, you remember, what do I tell all these cash customers we'll be doing?
      TAD SCHULTZ
      My guy is former Treasury in D.C. and is faxing me a legal opinion on a loophole his firm has found----actually it seems he created it for future reference
      ( big grin)
      -----buried in the regulations; once we get it in, no sweat on the reporting issue. Hey, what's that rap song lyric : "The creed is greed." I'm outa here. Ciaio Serge.
      CUT TO:
      INT. FUNERAL PROCESSION LIMOUSINE - DAY

      scene opens with SS sitting in the back of a limo, proceeding to his mother's funeral; the motorcade is headed for the Jewish cemetery in Queens; he is being watched, at a comfortable distance, by certain people at the request of Anthony Visconte........
      FIRST THUG
      What's he doin here if he ain't a Hebe?
      SECOND THUG
      Look.
      What they see is SS placing a stone on his father's headstone, adjacent to his mother's freshly dug grave; the name and date are duly noted
      FIRST THUG
      Bingo; somethin tells me this prick was not, whadaya call, adopted, ya know; let's get outta here.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Rest in peace, ma.
      (He throws the first shovelful of dirt on her coffin)
      PETER MCADOO
      Smike, I heard and had to come out; you got a minute, or can you call me-----how long you in town?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Thanks, Pete; this is a pleasant surprise. I want to get things wrapped up here by early next week. Look, I could use the company, let's get a drink.
      PETER MCADOO
      Hey, we're the Jews with booze; let the limo guy go, we'll take my car.
      CUT TO MOMENTS LATER:
      INT. DIMLY LIT UPSCALE BAR BOOTH - DAY
      at an old watering hole near the Javits Federal Bldg.
      PETER MCADOO
      Hey, you sure it's ok to talk shop, you're in mourning, for Chrissake.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Be a good change of subject; she had a good life, no complaints.
      PETER MCADOO
      The word I'm getting is that Vladimir, aka several other monikers, may be in need of your services again. Remember 'The French Connection'?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Well, everything old is new again.
      PETER MCADOO
      Exactly, and guess who's in the loop? Teddy Schultz, your goddam boss.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      No; hey you guys promised me that the witness protection setup was sweet, and impervious to this kind of shit.
      PETER MCADOO
      Ever hear of dumb luck; you're that "lucky."
      SMIKE SWANSON
      You have got to be shitting me; I go deep to get away from the Russkis and their sense of "blood brotherhood" and you tell me that by coincidence it's reunion time; shit I should have lost the case.
      PETER MCADOO
      No, we wouldn't be having this conversation if that had come down; fact is, legal ethics fucked you on this one.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Oh, so zealous repping is not good for my health, that it?
      PETER MCADOO
      Not when it comes to the Red Mafiya, it would seem.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      So what the fuck do I do, go to the Italians?
      PETER MCADOO
      From what I saw they're already in your life; give it a shot, pardon the expression.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Jesus, the Sinatra freak------Christ!
      PETER MCADOO
      Look, they don't like the Reds, you got that goin for you; they see them as somehow déclassé, ok, without loyalty to anything or anyone. You have got to play it cool, and I needed to warn you just so you don't go into a fuckin seizure when you see us coming.

      Here's the setup: Taddy boy is playing it loose and thinks he has his ass covered on the cash transactions he is doing with some schmuck lawyer, from the last Administration, who thinks he pulled a smooth scam when he was at Treasury's money laundering unit, thought he hid it in the regs; we have been watching him, and his Russian mistress, for some time.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Slow it down, man; are you telling me that our customers are helping the Russkis bring in their dope in the cars!
      PETER MCADOO
      Yeah,dope, diamonds, artwork stolen from the Hermitage, but not all your customers are in on it; look, the guy you sold the Maserati......
      SMIKE SWANSON
      I am dead, compliments of Sammy.
      PETER MCADOO
      Stop panicking; this couldn't have worked out better, as it happens; these clowns are going to take each other down if we play this thing right. Now, here's the plan....
      FADE OUT.:
      INT. SMIKE'S CONDO - EVENING

      SS IS back in LA, sitting in his spacious condo in the Hills with Isis......it is a week later
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Baby, you seem tense; I am sorry about your mother, but she had a long life; what is it?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      It's not that, it's that autograph collection thing I told you about------you know the head of the Department at UCLA Medical , right?
      ISIS VISCAYA
      You need a shrink? Promise me it's nothing Freudian----I don't remind you of your mother, do I?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Hey I've been called a lot of things, including that, but it's not true.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Well that's a relief; what are your feelings about incest----a sistah needs ta know-----just kidding; hey, I'll get you in with Dr. Rotweiner early next week, ok?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Thanks; listen, with a name like that I hope he doesn't handle impotency cases----or maybe he creates them, just what I need.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Not to worry about that problem, got the antidote; in the meantime, you wanna talk about it?

      (CONT'D)
      SMIKE SWANSON (O.S.)
      SHOW MONTAGE OF PAPPARAZZI & AUTOGRAPH HOUNDS OF PROMINENT STARS FROM ALL ERAS.
      Sure. Ever since I was a kid, when I saw my first celebrity and actually was able to approach her, I've been fascinated by the whole idea of fame, how a piece of paper is like a piece of that fame, a remnant that only you possess-----the star doesn't even have it anymore, it's yours alone. And the way people respond to it and to you because you have it. It's a kind of power that even the person who signed it doesn't enjoy: all they can do is give away pieces of themselves over and over, and when it's done they have almost less than nothing left. I never really thought about it that way before, but it's as if you have preserved a semi-private moment of their life in yours, but not the other way around. What do they get that lasts----- nothing really.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Whoa; you're scaring me. Isn't that the way stalkers think?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      That's just it, they are "stalking" you, really, defining who others think you are, confusing the "who" of even you to yourself. I mean, what do you really think of these creeps who collect almost anything, anything: bubble gum wrappers, shoes, dead animals, stuffed animals, who knows, shrunken heads, even petrified shit, for all I know, depending on the issuing ass!
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Mr. Swanson, I'm afraid we're out of time for this session, thank God. I have to run, sitter's waiting. I'll call you when I get home---get some rest, the Doc is great, you'll see.
      (They kiss and he walks her to the door)
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Listen, before you leave would you do something very intimate for me?

      (pregnant pause for double entendre to take effect)

      Would you let me have your autograph.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Hey, I don't qualify, remember; besides, do it yourself, right?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      That hurts, especially right after our session...Who knows, maybe some day, and I can say I got it before you were famous?
      ISIS VISCAYA
      I 'll have Dr. Rotweiner order some shock therapy for that one.
      CUT TO:
      EXT. THEN INT. OF DOCKS/WAREHOUSE VENICE ITALY - DAY
      next scene opens at the docks in Venice, Italy, where the custom Venetian glass sunroof, among other things, has been installed; a special Maserati is being "prepared" for transshipment to Los Angeles.....; shipping company offices at the pier----SPEAKING IN ITALIAN
      FRONTMAN FOR RED MAFIYA
      The manifest shows no buyer's name; what do we do?
      FRONTMAN #2
      Hey, I don't give a shit; that's their problem at the other end. Our deal is we customize every special order car that goes to Shultz in LA. The names are phonies anyway.
      F1
      I guess you're right. Anyway, they're too busy fuckin with Mexicans and Colombians to worry about some old technique, right?
      F2
      I don't know nothing; I do custom work so that fatass Jewboys in America can get laid----now what's that hurt except maybe good taste!
      F1
      Hey, Gino, why the fuck we do this for these greaseballs, anyway; it's our ass if we get caught.
      F2
      Because, paisano, they pay more than the Italians; ten more cars and we're out.
      F1
      What are you gonna do with your money, 'Cesco?
      F2
      Whaddya think, I'm goin to move to America and order custom cars for my rich asshole customers! HaaaaHaaaaaaHaaaa!
      F1
      Yeah, especially the bitches: all you gotta say is "Fine Italian....Anything, they fucking buy it.
      F2
      (Laughing)
      That's right; maybe we could do that with our cocks?
      F1
      Hey, get outta here, I got my principles; I'm not selling my birthright----only renting it! HaaaaaHaaaaaaHaaaaaaa........
      F2
      Quiet; here comes that fucking communist bastard, Dimitri to check on his cargo packing. Remember, there's no problem with the paperwork, otherwise they fuck us up on our money.
      F1
      Speaking to Dimitri who has entered the offices with two sunglass-wearing mountains, looking Corsican or something

      Everything going ok, boys? No problems?
      DIMITRI
      No, why, should we expect any? Everybody's been paid, so why problems?
      F1
      I don't know, just been hearing rumors about the fucking FBI and Interpol doing some checking lately.
      DIMITRI
      Ha! Those assholes have fucking Moscow office and they're worse than goddam Clouseau. The Americans are idiots and soft; you know most of their agents have never even killed a man? Fucking pussies. We got a cosmonaut on the payroll; guy says that the Astronauts cry sometimes in space, you believe that shit? All sad for America: fuck America, we've already bought the parts we want, including their goddam President Bush, the one married to his fuckin mother.
      F2
      How the hell do you buy a CIA Director?
      DIMITRI
      With campaign cash, that's how, and he even throws in his bank regulators for good measure. Anyway, we're out of here, gonna go fuck some Italian women for warm ups.
      F2
      Hey I hope you practice safe sex, they can really want to do all sorts of shit.
      DIMITRI
      Yeah, no problem: we tie them up!HaaaaHaaaaHaaaa
      FADE TO BLACK.
      INT. OCCIDENTAL ITALIAN MOB SOCIAL CLUB - DAY

      Scene opens at the Occidental Social Club; Mr. Constanza and some of the crew are getting briefed on SS......
      THUG 1
      Mr. C, you ain't gonna believe this shit: our boy is a Hebe......
      THUG 2
      ......he coulda been adopted ya know, I mean it's not like we caught him wearin one of those Pope hats or nothing.....
      THUG 1
      Um talking here!
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Shut up; where's Matty?
      ( Just then, Matty saunters in the back door)
      OK, yous two go get arrested or something, alright, that is if you know how!
      The two young/dumb thugs are walking out, arguing amongst themselves that they thought the idea was NOT to get arrested..........
      MATTY MAZONE
      Sorry boss, they piss you off? Fuckin evolution, ya know, it makes each generation weaker, less adept-------they're my sister's kids, what could I do.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Fuggedabowdit; lookit, those two bozos telling me straight----he ain't who he seems to be?
      MATTY MAZONE
      Geez, I had a whole organized report all ready-----guy's a former Jew lawyer with the Feds; word is they're usin him on a sting or something like at against his former clients when he flipped to the other side; Feds got pissed, threatened him with all kindsa shit about national security oath, blah, blah, blah, he says ok......
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Whoa, whoa; your telling me that we're dancing wit the fuckin Devil and all we done was engage in a little legit commerce in honor of our boss; America ain't America, that's all I gotta say. We save their fuckin asses in WWII and keep the Nazi cocksuckers off the docks and outta da sabotage biz and this is the tanks we get. Where are the good guys anymore?
      MATTY MAZONE
      Tell me about it; it gets worse: AV in Miami got it straight from the Reds down dere, his former client, the guy he gets off, is Ivan Atrovsky, major badass genius fuckin killer.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Fuck me. OK, I wanna see our legal eagles tomorrow, set it up; let them fix this shit. Alls I know is Mr. Sapienza is getting out soon and I want peace and fuckin quiet on the Western Front, cabish?
      MATTY MAZONE
      Ya know, we could play this ting like the good guys: get next to this guy and use um for cover with the Feds and the commies.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Yeah, right; let's run that by the counselors ---- go set it up.
      FADE OUT.
      INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE AT UCLA MEDICAL SCHOOL - DAY

      scene opens with SS sitting in Dr. Rotweiner's office; the shrink has a white coat on as he has just finished a med school lecture;soft opera music is playing
      SMIKE SWANSON
      I've never seen one of you guys wear one of those, makes me feel incurable, like you've come to take me away, as they say.
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      Not so fast; we don't even know if you're ill, do we?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      That's a relief. But you don't need a weatherman.......
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      Careful, quoting Dylan songs may be a sign of definite weirdness. Look, Mr. Swanson, I'll drive, all right? Speaking of music, any objections to the opera----I find it relaxes people, the problems in opera are so just exaggerated versions of life and death.
      (he switches on a CD)
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Fair enough, Hell,I may be a character in one, no doubt the soprano role; what shall we talk about?
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      I'm a Jungian, Mr. Swanson. That means, among other things, that we may dispense with all the canned assumptions about the dark psyche and talk about you according to you. Please begin.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      My favorite subject, so I'm told. It all started ........
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      It?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      We're making progress already, I can see that. Touche; you see, I am a pathological liar, I think, since forever.
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      And you expect me to believe that?
      (smirk of amusement on Doc's face)
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Interesting; I never considered that angle, at least not with a headshrinker, I see your dilemma----so, basically, everything I now tell you......
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      Is potential horseshit; you know I've actually done this before, so let's let me sort it all out, shall we?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Fine, fine. What is so scary is that I can't tell anymore whether I am telling myself the truth; as far as others are concerned, no one has ever challenged me before-----at least as far as I can remember. Which raises an equally tough question: is my memory also a liar?
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      Let's back up a moment; do you know your name and, if so, how?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Sure, my name was given to me by my parents and I've seen my birth certificate so I know they weren't lying to me, at least not about that.
      SHOW INSIDE RANDOM FIRINGS OF NEURON NETWORK OF MEMORIES IN SMIKE'S HEAD----ILLUSTRATING HIS MOUNTING CONFUSION AT EACH INSIGHT BY DR. ROTWEINER
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER (O.S.)
      So let us assume it is therefore safe to call you Smyther Swanson;
      how do you know that you are that person recorded in the birth certificate and not some adopted or kidnapped child, now grown, all the while raised as your namesake?

      The point is that, while, in fact, DNA can determine who your parents were, there is no sure way of knowing if they were who they said they were, or, if that is not true, the same can be said far enough back in their ancestry that science breaks down for lack of a sample and we are left with perhaps nothing more than a long-perpetrated fraud, generation after generation.

      But, not to put too fine a point on it, what's a name after all, even if it is really yours, as far as you know. In that sense we may, all of us, be liars.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Aren't I supposed to be feeling better by now. Because I----whoever that is-----am not. I came in here to discuss the likelihood that I have behaved like an out of control liar and you tell me that I may be a lie! Thanks very much.
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      I did include myself, in all fairness. Look, facts, as we know them, are all built on assumptions, most of them seeming to be pretty solid, largely because we, society, mostly agree that they are true, which may be very different from actuality.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      So one billion Chinese could be wrong about rice? Here's a personal fact: since I was a kid I have been forging autographs to myself---assuming I am myself----and "assuming" -----and asking others to assume-----they were genuine. Now, there are real signatures somewhere of these people. Isn't that clear cut?
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      I'm afraid not. Here is the problem: who, other than someone who never actually saw the person in question sign his/her name, authenticates that signature as real, especially in the case of deceased persons. How do we test that guarantor's credibility, the only real evidence being that other people believe him/her? And why do they believe him/her: because other people believe him/her about other signatures. How can there be any ultimate certainty? Stranger still, the signer may decide next week to change his/her signature-----don't they first create it and no one else? That is why we, this same agreeable society of ours, have created something we call trust, but can this agreement we have made to trust each other be trusted?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      So a second opinion may be a real waste of my time, since he/she is going to trust your diagnosis of me, whoever you and I may actually be.
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      You have stumbled upon the paramount exception to the rule: experts make a living by not agreeing. But outside of the realms of expertise and its bearing upon making money, the rule applies: you open a bank account, sign a card and they give your money to anyone that signature tells them to; how do they know it is YOUR signature, unless you say it is. The same with the drivers license you are about to tell me they, or anyone, can compare it with. No, the certain facts are very limited in scope: the signature "you" decide to use matches up with who you think you are based upon what others, in writing or otherwise, have told you.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      You ever had a patient tell you that 'our time is up?' Could be a first--hey, at least we'll be famous; look, since you've done one helluva job destroying my mental state, one unrelated question you must get alot, you handle impotency problems?



      SPECIFIC SCENE IN SMIKE'S HEAD SHOWING HIM VARIOUSLY IN A STRAIGHT JACKET, THEN PACIFIED WITH MEDS, DROOLING VACANTLY STARING, ALSO SHOWING A 'DREAM WITHIN A DREAM' SCENE OF THE LATTER SUBJECT IMAGINING HIMSELF AS SMIKE SWANSON, SITTING IN DR ROTWEINER'S OFFICE!
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      Yes, actually, it seems the name exerts some sort of reverse psychology---anyway, if it's an issue, I just advise them to call me Dr. 'Rotweiler'.
      (both laugh with comic relief)









      I put it to you plainly, how do you know you are not imagining your life and are, in actual fact, someone else altogether, induced into this imagined "life" by the use of psychotropic drugs administered by a qualified nurse at some mental institution? This is the subject of my seminar here at the medical school, and I have yet to have any student, howsoever brilliant, rebut it.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Timeout. I-----again-----may not be who I think I am, right; ok, then when I go to a notary public to verify my signature all that he/she does is legitimize a potential lie. So the law is a harlot,as somebody famous once told us, after all, fucking--I mean servicing those who service her!
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      And now I see your dilemma: you now see, do you not, that if we are all liars, howsoever unwitting, there are no lies.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Weird! But, wait a minute------then everything is weird?
      DO PULL BACK SHOT AS IN 'ARRIVAL' OPENING OR 'MEN IN BLACK' CLOSING, FROM EARTH INTO SPACE, VERY SLOWLY THEN PICKING UP SLOW SPEED, POSSIBLY USING SEGMENT OF PYTHON'S 'MEANING OF LIFE' SONG, 'JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU'RE STANDING ON A PLANET..
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER (V.O.)
      Mr. Swanson, you are standing---rather sitting----on a chair itself perched upon a floor of a building itself sitting on a rock-like ball in what we call space, governed by a force we call gravity about which almost all of us, including the late Dr. Einstein, know virtually nothing. Yet we do not fall "off"-----keeping in mind that there is no N,S,E, or West in Space, whatever that is, filled, it seems according to the latest research, with 'dark matter', constituting almost 90% of the known universe, the essence of which we are unable to divine, try as we may; Yes, Mr. Swanson, everything is indeed weird.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      I would call that a big 'YES'. You don't make house calls, do you, 'cause I could really use you as a mindguard/guru for my next business appointment.
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      And now it is I, at least the 'I' called Dr. Rotweiner, who must terminate our session for now.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Terminate------and you guys are supposed to be sensitive?
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      Would you prefer 'end'?; I want you to do something for me, Mr. Swanson; here is a micro tape device: I want you to record everything for me in the next week or so, including that appointment. Now don't worry about the law, as the recording will be surreptitious and a mere aide in my analysis; the battery is longlasting and you will, under stress, forget it is even on your lapel; besides, why fear the 'harlot', as you have indicated-----she can be satisfied with less than justice, eh?
      CUT TO:
      INT. MOB LAWYERS OFFICES - DAY

      SCENE CUTS TO THE LAW OFFICES OF KNEEDLER, WHEEDLE & INVEIGLE, LLC; Ivy League men, and women all, they have repped the West Coast Mob since Prohibition.........
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      So, tell me sumpin, what the fuck have we walked into here?
      LAURA INVEIGLE
      Mario, this fellow appears to be as clueless as you. My sources in New York have advised me that he is being set up by the federal authorities; now, he may have been tipped off by a 'friend' in the prosecutor's office, we are still attempting to learn who;
      but one thing is certain: they are using him to get at a Red Mafiya ring of smugglers who are relying upon distraction as their modus operandi.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Hey, at these prices, do I gotta also hire a fuckin translator? What the fuck------I got sources, too, do I send yous a bill? I want legal stuff here, not freakin street dope, awright. Gimme da boddom line for Chrissake.
      LAURA INVEIGLE
      Sorry, Mr. C; here is what neither you nor he know: the Feds intend to kill everyone in a raid on the dealership where he has been positioned; they will attribute it to a 'hotdog' agent, who will also be killed-----an African American who has instigated, and had settled, an embarrassing racial discrimination class action suit within the Bureau.
      The settlement is their cover, although it has yet to have been paid out. We're working on the date of the raid, although it seems imminent.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Fuckin great, um supposed to pick up Mr. Rapienza's Maserati on the 16th, am I gonna get shot?
      LAURA INVEIGLE
      You must understand, our source is in the U.S.Attorney's office; we don't know because they don't. What we do know, however, is that the smugglers use Venice for their heavy duty contraband: drugs, artwork, diamonds: therefore, since your vehicle is emanating from that site, we recommend that you cancel the order.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      No offense, but that's pussy shit. Itza matter a fuckin principle, bout bein used, an some constitutshun shit, too: Look, no way um letting that car be grabbed, especially without anything from the Sinatra Collection to show for it-----dat stuff is priceless, shots I never seen of Frank and all the rest hangin out in Vegas, Manhattan and whatever. We gotta tip off coupla guys bout da merchandise an put im in our freakin protection program. We want our guys to sting this thing, got it?
      LAURA INVEIGLE
      How do you propose to do that?
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      No sweat; we get to the nig.......I mean, de African American dude; he gives us the set up an we bust em; it'll be just like de ole days, fuckin Commies instead a Nazis, right? Besides, I oh-weez liked da way doze dudes talk an dress an shit, ya no?
      LAURA INVEIGLE
      Well, we could use the Whistleblower Statute.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Yeah, set it up sows we can tell the guvament to blow us! I love it; can you arrange a meetin wit dis black guy?
      LAURA INVEIGLE
      It'll be tricky, we must be sure he is undetected. Odds are excellent he is under surveillance, visual and electronic. Who can we deploy to divert the surveillors?
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Got da purfect guys: can't get arrested. We send um out looking all illegal an shit and deez fuckin stakeout clowns bite 'cause it looks too fuckin easy: cops love obvious shit, especially at 3 am.
      LAURA INVEIGLE
      We know his lawyers well, I used to date one of them. We will make it happen; the rest is up to you.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Just set it up before the Boss gets out next week; gotta be smood, he can't handle too much publicity, ok?
      LAURA INVEIGLE
      I think he may make an exception if he knows, after the fact of course, that his spot is going to be taken by the fellows who put him in there, don't you think so?
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      (Belly laughing)
      Call the fuckin Enquirer, Ted fuckin Turner, I don't care!
      CUT TO:
      INT. SCHULTZ LUXURY BOUTIQUE/DEALERSHIP - DAY

      scene opens on the showroom of the boutique dealership; Tad Shultz, boy owner, Sergio, SS and the LA Times are present with photographers, ready to do their Lifestyle layout on this burgeoning new enterprise; Swanson has, reluctantly, brought his Rat Pack Collection per instructions.....
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Hey, Serge, what is all this? Do we really want the proles to know about our services-----we're gonna need a 'No shoes/shirt, No service' sign if every low life in LA can walk through the door.
      SERGIO
      Relax, TS knows what he's dune. Seems he's got coverage out the ass on the cash sales he loves so much, so he's willing to hold his nose when some crapper-rapper asshole walks in with several hundred large.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Hey, the creed is greed, if he can stand the heat, but I don't like it; I've done some work in the past which tells me there ain't no loophole big enough for that kind of action.
      SERGIO
      Whad are you, a lawyer or something?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Musta been one...in another life, huh.
      Photographer positions the sales staff in front of the gallery of Sinatra memorabilia, shooting rapidly
      LA TIMES
      That's great; just one more, could you move to the left, I wanna get close-ups of these black and whites-------geez, where the hell did you get this one of Sinatra with Kennedy in Vegas? WOW.
      TAD SCHULTZ
      OK, fellas, if that's a wrap, we need to get back to running Fantasyland, here, we surely appreciate your taking the time to come out and see how the other 1/2 lives, the other 1/2 of 1%, that is!
      (Laughing at his own condescension)
      LA TIMES
      We're done; expect to see yourselves in print next week, say around the 14th weekend edition; and of course it will go out on the syndicate wires to all the major market papers, even Le Monde and some other Eurotrash outlets.
      [The Times exits]
      TAD SCHULTZ
      Hey, that wasn't so bad; OK guys, now you're gonna see a lot of IceT types from now on, so, you know, cultural sensitivity is the watchword. Serge, maybe set up one of our slide sessions with all the biggies----wait a minute, he's dead, right; anyway, you know, get our black security guys to get you up to speed on all the West Coast hip hop, whatever types, gotta go see the new owners of the bank, Russian émigrés, no less, very upscale with heavy degrees in science and economics, very impressive. Seems they want to go ecommerce, B2B-----I'm their guy, not Gates!
      He leaves, cell phone singing.....
      SMIKE SWANSON
      I thought technonerds were shy and introverted.
      SERGIO
      Seems they get very outgoing when the cash is incoming!
      SMIKE SWANSON
      I guess so, Tad was talking my ears off about taking this concept national, all the big markets-------can't argue with success, he mention that to you?
      SERGIO
      No, maybe he's grooming you or something. This Russian thing sounds serious.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Yeah, a little too serious. Got a doctor's appointment, see ya domani, eh.
      SERGIO
      Ciaio, Smikey, don't forget we take delivery on that Maz next week so dress British, think Yiddish, huh.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      More like Armani meets Damon Runyon, don't ya think?
      SERGIO
      Beats 'Yo, Dog' and FUBU.
      FADE OUT.
      INT. ALL-NITE DINER OFF JERSEY TPIKE - MORNING
      SCENE OPENS AT AN ALL-NITE DINER OFF THE JERSEY TURNPIKE, NEAR NEWARK; THE PLACE IS ALMOST EMPTY AT 3 AM, BUT FOR A NEATLY DRESSED BLACK MAN, HIS BACK TO THE FRONT DOOR, THE COUNTERMAN, A COOK AND TWO NONDESCRIPT 40ISH SOPRANO TYPES, FROM THE FABERGENTE CREW, JUST ENTERING THE PLACE; JUKEBOX IS PLAYING SINATRA TUNE, 'ONE FOR MY BABY....'
      SAL PITINO
      Jimmy, wanna close down for awhile?
      COUNTERMAN
      Sure thing, Mr. P; no problemo.
      (He hits a switch which closes the blinds, dims the lights and activates a neon "CLOSED" sign below the "Open all nite" sign)
      HAROLD AARON
      You the fellas I'm supposed to talk to about a certain lead in a certain investigation?
      ABBY MANNOLO
      Dat's us; we appreciate your bein available at such a weird hour.
      HAROLD AARON
      Hey, we invented 24/7; what can I do-----or should I say, what can you do for me?
      SAL PITINO
      Meanin no disrespect, Special Agent, but we can save your ass.
      HAROLD AARON
      Who says my ass needs such attention, you a fuckin proctologist?
      ABBY MANNOLO
      I can tell ya it ain't the Smithsonian Institute. Here it is: you're gonna be set up.
      HAROLD AARON
      I don't go on blind dates, besides I'm happily married.
      SAL PITINO
      What my associate means is, we don wanna see yous make your wife a widow.
      HAROLD AARON
      You clowns threatening me, what the fuck!
      SAL PITINO
      Whoa, whoa, no way; we mean nuttin but respect. You're working a sting out in LA involving some commie smuggling/money laundering deal usin heavy rides for cover, right?
      HAROLD AARON
      I can't discuss our business with you; let's just say hypothetically that what you say is true, so what, what's it to you?
      ABBY MANNOLO
      Again, Mr.-----Agent Aaron, we know that the Bureau likes to use out of town agents in big busts, kinda misdirection shit like in the NFL. We have it on very good authority, as in DOJ/NYC, dat you're gonna be a casualty when they raid the spot.
      HAROLD AARON
      Um listening.
      SAL PITINO
      We're gonna show hour good faith by telling you our business: one of our associates out dare in LA goes into dis swanky joint to special order a car, whaddaya call, a .............
      ABBY MANNOLO
      M a z e r a t i.....
      SAL PITINO
      Yeah, fuckin Mazerati; guy sellin it tells im his family's all connected an shit, like to Frank S. and so forth and so on, so this gets our associate's attention for sentimental reasons and the like. Check him out, turns out the guy's a former moutpiece for da Russian Mob, call it the Mafiya wid a "y", why I dunno, sounds da same, besides they ain't too hot with vowels, so it's real fucked up.....
      ABBY MANNOLO
      Va......whats?
      SAL PITINO
      Um talking here; yeah, v o w e l s, vow-Ls, look it up for Chrissake. For some reason which ain't totally clear yet, he gives up his practice an disappears, as in Sammy da Bull, sept he ain't no criminal, just a criminal lawyer.....
      ABBY MANNOLO
      Ain't they all.....
      SAL PITINO
      Please, Abby we're doin bizness here, try an be professional. Word on da street, his former employers, the Russkis, are looking for him, why we doan know. We can't believe they couldn't find him, what wit the Feds fuckin up wet dreams an all----no offense-----so we start thinking maybe he's working for the commies all along.
      HAROLD AARON
      JUKEBOX HAS SWITCHED TO JAMES BROWN'S, 'I'M BLACK AND I'M PROUD', SOFTLY
      Let me see if I can finish this before the breakfast crowd starts showing up: you fellows, your organization, doesn't like being used, what with your car carrying unknown contraband and all, especially by some lawyer turned secret agent who claims to be connected to your faction, not to cast aspersions, when he is actually working for either my organization and/or the new kids on the block, right so far?
      ABBY MANNOLO
      Fuckin bingo.
      SAL PITINO
      Hey, what would you do? We figure your bein hit is just soz nobody, innocent or not, walks away from this thing, wit tales to tell, get me?
      HAROLD AARON
      And just how is it that your people and mine, yours truly included if there is such a sting in the works, all happen to be at the same place at the same time?
      SAL PITINO
      Let's just say it ain't no coincidence that our little gathering in LA falls on the 16th, the day our car gets delivered.
      ABBY MANNOLO
      An les also say dat you are about as popular wit the Bureau as we are.
      HAROLD AARON
      For guys who usually don't know anything you have a lot of details, I will say that. So, let's take a deep breath: everything you say is true, let's just say------why should anyone trust anyone else?
      SAL PITINO
      We are the innocent interlopers here.
      ABBY MANNOLO
      Inter.......whaaaa?
      SAL PITINO
      What's a matter, you got a problem wit English? It's a fuckin legal term, the Special Agent knows what it means, so relax, or go get a GED......we don't like, as you say, bein yoused. Besides, we're Americans for cryin out loud, capitalists true and true. Commies are shit, ran their country like a rigged card game, and that ain't fair to the little guy.
      HAROLD AARON
      Hey, I guess with Superman down, you're the best we can do, that it? I know all about WWII, so save it.
      OK, you're patriots, Hell my people know all about 200 year old American bullshit, so yours is as good as any of it. What do you propose?
      SAL PITINO
      What if we had proof that you're bein watched by your own people and ......
      HAROLD AARON
      My lawyers have told me that much; what don't I know, assuming I believe you?
      SAL PITINO
      Here's the drill: you're wearin your vest, body fuckin armor, leadin the whole freakin thing, good for the image of the Fibbies, blah blah blah, only their sharpshooter's got cop killers loaded with your name on um at an angle they can pin on our shooters; these weapons are planted on our guys an everybody's bad guys-----usual fuckin suspects----- sept the law, a course, go down on this one.
      ABBY MANNOLO
      Hey, Sal, look at da time; gotta go.
      HAROLD AARON
      You guys got a secure phone?
      SAL PITINO
      Pick a number.
      HAROLD AARON
      I'll get back to you in 24 if I am satisfied.
      ABBY MANNOLO
      Copacetic; just tryin ta do da right ting.
      SAL PITINO
      We'll look forward to your call.
      HAROLD AARON
      We'll see; have a good day gentlemen.
      (Aaron gets up and is buzzed out)
      ABBY MANNOLO
      OK, Jimmy, open up, um starving.
      CUT TO FEW MINUTES LATER,WEST COAST TIME:
      SCENE OPENS ON SMIKE IN BED AT 1:00am!
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Hullo, uhhh.
      SAL PITINO
      Am I speakin to Mr. Smyther Swanson hisself?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Who the hell is this?
      SAL PITINO
      Call me your guardian angel, awright. Um callin about your appointment on the 16th, Mr. Swanson, or whatever you REAL name is, cabish? Don't hang up or react, just listen: we know who you are, what you are doon, and, most important, may I say, how you can live to tell this tale; are we communicatin?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      I'm listening. What do you want from me?
      SAL PITINO
      Um glad you ast; here's the plan, you're havin breakfast in Beverly Hills with the Clampetts at that favorite deli yous habituate, got it?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      No problem; when and who am I meeting, who the Hell are the Clampetts, for Chrissake?
      SAL PITINO
      Jus be dere at 9am;'set a spell', what you never watched no TV---- they'll find you, and no guests.......
      clunk, the phone goes dead
      CUT TO:
      INT. OCCIDENTAL ITALIAN MOB SOCIAL CLUB - DAY
      SCENE OPENS AT THE OCCIDENTAL SOCIAL CLUB, MR. C. PRESIDING......; it is the 14th.....
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Whadawegot, talk to me.
      LOU D'BENZA
      I don't like it, Boss; fuckin Russian asssholes are all over the place all a sudden.
      MATTY MAZONE
      E's right, Mr. C, these fuckers are conspicuous as hell, hangin at the Beverly Hilton, Rodeo spots, passin lots a cash, our girls tell us. Some kinda fucks we never seen before wit redneck names are in town too, fuckin Klampet, Schmampet , whatever; heard about it from our guy at da yuppie deli over on Sunset.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Know sumpin about it; lawyers tell me they're buying up 9% of every fuckin bank that's even thinking about having one fuckin branch, for shit's sake; banks mean one ting: money washin, question is from where for who?
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Whom.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      OK, Shakespeare, ever hear of For Whom the Bell Tolls? Well um ringin it; whaddaya doon sittin here, find out "whom" I gotta be unleashin my anger on steada you, awright?!
      Matty and Lou haul ass out, Matty looking at Lou with a grin......
      MARIO CONSTANZA (CONT'D)
      Carmine, get me the East Coast on the scrambler.... Sal, what's the story?
      SAL PITINO (O.S.)
      Greetings, Don Costanza; guy opened up like a fuckin fortune cookie. You got the whole shitload a pix of Frank and company and a buncha shit more like dat. Seems he's confused about who ta trust, what with the Feds, the Reds and us leanin on him. Says alls he wants is to get away from the Russian fucks who think they own his ass.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Souns good; tell me, who da fuck are da Clampetts?
      SAL PITINO
      Little gimmick we used soze ta let im know we're da good guys----ya know, "swimming pools, movie starz..." , representin all da shit he loves.
      Let im know da fuckin commies an Feds would either kill im or frame im on fraud an shit, respectively speakin, whereas we hole the keys ta da kingdom, so to speak. Right now we're the Drysdale to his fortunes
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      So he's now in our protectshun program, right?
      SAL PITINO
      Lifetime fuckin member, boss.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Ya done good; get laid on me, you an Abby.
      SAL PITINO
      Hey, jus like de ole days, widdout the fuckin commies.......we own dis guy. May even troe in free legals, for cryin out loud.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Gotta go, meetin wit the fuckin LA Times first ting in da a.m. Kirk out, HAHA Ha!
      FADE TO:
      EXT. SWANK CLEANERS WHERE ISIS WORKS - DAY

      SCENE OPENS WITH SS SHOWING UP AT THE SWANK CLEANERS TO SEE ISIS, UNANNOUNCED AND VISIBLY SHAKEN..
      SMIKE SWANSON
      I come bearing gifts
      (hands her a latte from Starbucks take out)
      can you take a break?
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Gloria, cover me, ok?
      They sit in SS's car
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Let's go for a quick ride.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      You sound like some of your black and white mob buddies.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      These guys are in Technicolor, honey, trust me.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      OK, the mothership needs an update-----what's happening?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Can you call in sick on my cell; look, there isn't time for me to lay it out now, just go with it and sit in with me and Doc Rotweiner.....
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Ok, ok; look, do you even have an appointment?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Um headed for the mental ER, babe; I'll wait.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      I hope he's in town........I think it's cool, he's teaching tonight. Guess I'll be real early.
      They are out of the car and on an elevator at UCLA







      CUT TO MOMENTS LATER:
      INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE AT UCLA MEDICAL SCHOOL - AFTERNOON
      Next scene opens with them in shrink's waiting room......; Isis is listening to the recording device SS was given by the Doc, swallowing hard; there is a TV in the waiting area, volume inaudible, showing an episode of 'The Beverly Hillbillies', opening scene intro with music theme....visible behind actors to audience
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Has anyone else heard this?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      You're at the premiere; are we together on this, cause I can't let anything happen to you or your child.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Oh, Jesus, Smike!
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Take a deep breath: I have a plan and someone I think I can trust in the world of law enforcement, FBI guy who may be in the same leaky boat with me. He's supposed to already be setting up protection. We gotta go with it right now, and not panic your mom until we can get confirmation, should be getting a call from him any minute.
      Receptionist shows them into the Doc's office; he is on his way, they are told
      SMIKE SWANSON (CONT'D)
      Hey I hope this isn't driving a stake into our heart, "Ice", shit....
      ISIS VISCAYA
      What are we the undead....sorry, poor choice of words; are you crazy, do you think that little of our thing?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      No, no, hey good choice of words, that's how I want us to stay, I'm happy with the blood we got, no more; it's these vampires out there, whoever they really are, that worries me.
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      This is a surprise, I hope a pleasant one.
      (He kisses Isis on the cheek)
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Doc, sorry for the drive thru behavior but I need some brainfood fast.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Show Alan the recording; Alan, you may have been more of a savior than you could have hoped.
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      My God complex is in the shop, so let's just say I'm listening.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Doc, I am in a crossfire, it seems, with no lesser of three possible evils, except, maybe------and this is why um gate crashin------the Italian mob. They may be the goddam good guys; in any event, like it or no, I am their face man, as they call it.
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      You're the lawyer; I need facts.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      As Bogie said, play it Sam.
      (He hands the recordings to Dr.)
      They all listen to his breakfast with the Clampetts: audience listens in on excerpt of the latter, with possibly visual ; key audio element: these are hoods, trying hard to sound Southern---should be very funny yet serious=Weird; blurry flashback, sound disembodied and coming only from the tape

      SOUND of Plates rattling, short orders in background with music over of Beverly Hillbillies theme music by Scruggs, instrumental version, no lyrics(V.O.)
      INT. DELI ON SUNSET BLVD. - MORNING
      JED, AKA UMBERTO

      Mr. Swanson, allow me to make introductions: Um Jed and this is my son Jethro; we're new to Beverly Hills and wanted to get ta know you, you bein highly recommended to us in the luxury car and other marketplace. Gonna be replacin da truck an furnishin the mansion, decoratin outside at the cement pond, an so forth; can we count of you to assist us?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Sure, uh, what exactly did yu have in mind?
      JED, AKA UMBERTO

      Well, assuming our associate back East explained it to you, we are interested in one of those Italian jobs, Maseroute, I think; only thing is, we heard that some other folks might be interested in one too, and, here's the thing, we need it like in a couple of days, say on the 16th and, well, we want her 'As-Is', like you fellers say on TV; also, we heard that you have the nicest collection of black and white ole timey photos of all these here Hollywood stars and such, which we just gotta have if Granny an Elly Mae are ever gonna feel at home out here. So, we want to introduce you to a real nice black fella---he's waitin on the other end of this here tellyphone----who can give you all the details, cause we're in a hurry an aren't all up on our math and legal stuff, to tell ya the truth. He' s such a fine fella an is real worried that everything needs to go real smooth so that these fellas, calls um Reds for short, we kinda think theys Injuns or such, will be angry when we come pick up this here car, he says they can be real nasty, might even have shotguns on em, guess they're kinda nervous fellas or real hunter types. Whaddya say, Mr. Swanson?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      I don't see any problems at all; I have just the car you are interested in and want to assure you, Jed and Jethro, that I want to be your personal assistant in getting everything you desire. I will make sure, working with your friend on the phone line, that these dangerousReds, uh, I ndians ,are handled according to the law.
      JED, AKA UMBERTO
      Well, now that is mighty nice a you, such short notice an all; we hear tell that you know something about the law and have done some business relatin to these Injuns, so we sure are feeling better about this whole thing. Oh, yeah, you be sure an tell your pretty friend from Mexico that we know she would appreciate you handling this for us, seein as how, accordin to our black friend, she's got a youngin and lots a bills to pay; we're gonna make sure you are paid extry on this here deal.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      A real pleasure meeting you and I want to cooperate with you all the way----just think of me as a fan, ok, you folks are the 'good guys', especially lately.
      JED, AKA UMBERTO
      Jethro, how bout we finish up our eats and get on down to Ro-de-o Drive, sure like the sound of that name, though it makes us a spell homesick.
      (END of Tape)
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Doc, I don't think I've been threatened by a nicer couple a fellas, do you?
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      And what, may I ask, did our telephone pal have to say?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Called the number on the phone screen they left with me; it seems that a certain Special Agent Aaron of the Federal Bureau of Intimidation backed up what our Lil Abners had to say, albeit in code.
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      Smyther, you're a bright fellow, capable of lateral reasoning, what do you make of it all?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      This is very embarrassing, but what the hell is lateral reasoning? You see, you're apparently wrong about me, why should you want my read?
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      Well, as you have said, we don't need a weatherman.....What I need from you is who, what, where, when and why.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      (His cell phone rings:)
      Yes, I understand; and, Mr. Aaron, thanks.
      ( To Dr. and IV)
      Everyone is safe, at a safehouse out of town, Ice. Dr., here's the playbill: The Clampetts are with the Fabergente family, kissin cousins to the Rapienzas, it seems, the Reds are Russian mafiya, and the Feds are, well, themselves, or so I thought, until SA Aaron informed me that he was to be Kennedyed by them, his words; and, well, let's see, the Clampetts, a/k/a Rapienza/Fabergente, are innocent just like their namesakes.

      Any questions so far? Ok, when: on the day after tomorrow, they all are on a collision course at my place of business, which, apparently is owned by a greedy stooge of the Reds, who are using his operation to wash money, smuggle everything not locked down and, oh yes, fuck over guys like me who are oh so accidentally, if the Feds are to be believed, in the wrong place at a bad time. Now, they're all using me for something; the Clampetts/nee Rapienzas only seem to want the phony fruits of my fraud, so they are the most reasonable players in our little melodrama, including me.
      Um going with them: why, I like oxygen and, besides, they saved Aaron's ass and, in turn, mine and those I care about.
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      And you want my opinion?
      ISIS VISCAYA
      He needs it, doctor; this is the same man who has questioned his own credibility in and outside his own head; what should we do?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      And, while you are pondering that, ponder this: my photos are fakes; even if they kill me I still have to deal with Sinatra, surly rock stars and assorted luminaries in one or more subsequent dimensions.
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      Power of the media, folks;
      (he presses the intercom)
      Jean, get me Dick Powell at Channel 5 please.
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER (CONT'D)
      Your tangled web may actually prove to be the biggest media circus in memory. Unless the shooters want Oswald Two , seems to me that everyone will get what they deserve including you, my starstruck friend: it will be your autograph others are seeking, that is, whoever you are.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Why am I not laughing? Will you talk with Aaron? Can I trust him?
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      He has obviously trusted the Clampetts and you; your best friend other than Isis here is going to be P.T. Barnum and his minions, camera and mike in hand on the 16th. Remember, perception is what matters in this tangled world wide web we have woven, all of us; entertainment trumps content, and you are running the show: isn't that what you have always done and wanted to do?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Yeah, and I don't even have to bullshit anymore. Is this the point where you place your hand on my forehead and shout "Be Healed!"
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      Too touchy feely; better you should walk on water on the 16th, and call it roughly equivalent.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Aren't we assuming the Russians are incredibly inept?
      ISIS VISCAYA
      What Alan has told you makes that irrelevant, right?
      DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
      I am afraid that Smike may be prudent on this one: they count on underestimation based on the state of mother Russia; what must happen here is the car must reach its destination intact, with no sign of trouble: Smike, your new friends the Rapienzas must somehow deal with this vehicle problem, compliments of your Mr. Shcultz, I hear he can afford it. Besides, if the Russians run him, they will take care of him for you. Right now you need their advice, not mine.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Let's go Ice, Aaron told me where to find them; Doc, add healing to my bill just the same.
      FADE TO:
      EXT. PRIVATE CABANA AT BEVERLY HILTON - DAY

      Scene opens on Russian confab at the Beverly Hilton pool area, private cabanas if you please....; they are speaking in Russian
      IVAN ATROVSKY
      What do you mean you can't find this prick lawyer?
      ANATOLY KASPAR
      I beg your pardon Commisar, but someone must be protecting him.
      IVAN ATROVSKY
      This bothers me even more; what do our sources at the Embassy have to say for themselves?
      ANATOLY KASPAR
      Schultz is a fucking weakling but so far he knows nothing except money and wine.
      IVAN ATROVSKY
      And the FBI and CIA fuckers we pay, they have nothing?
      ANATOLY KASPAR
      They are as weak as Schultz; we need to go to their Negroes, they hate this American bullshit, for a price at least. I have just the person; he has agreed to meet with us tonight at the disco on Sunset.
      IVAN ATROVSKY
      Good; I want to know who is fucking with us, we cannot count on ex-fucking Presidents, they have no balls, even this Neil Bush fuckhead, I could kill him, goddam bagman for the family and can't get the old man to make some calls; I want him killed.
      ANATOLY KASPAR
      That is arranged; right now let's see what the nigger has for us. He has fucked them in the ass in their courts and is pissed as they keep stalling on his settlement payment; he had to ask the judge to site them for contempt, can you believe it?
      IVAN ATROVSKY
      Why do we want to buy this country, Anatoly, it is full of pimps; remind me to get the goddam Arabs some pocket nukes to blow up some of their asshole institutions, after we get the money we want out of it, that is!
      CUT TO MOMENTS LATER:
      Scene turns to the Occidental Social Club, on Sunset, with SS and IV knocking at the door.....
      SMIKE SWANSON
      I need to speak with Mr. Mario Constanza, please.
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Whom shall I say is calling?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      You mean who, right, never mind; uh, tell him Mike Lowenstein or Smyther Swanson, OK?
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Souns like split personality or sumpin to me----you need a shrink, maybe, huh.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      If I don't see him soon um gonna need a talented mortician, so please tell him.
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Wait outside
      (walks back to the private sanctum and addresses Mr. C, who is with several "friends")
      Sinatra tune 'Softly', is playing as background in club
      Pardone, Mr. C, got some clown out here says he's......well, dat's the ting, he don't really know who he is or nuttin, sometin about some Mort Tisch shit.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      You fuckin with me, cause that 'who' shit is still on my list; gimme his fuckin name, describe the asshole.
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      That's another thing, he ain't too bright cause he's usin some bullshit name like 'Smiler Swansong', an, you know, dat's kid shit, come on, 'swansong', which has the meanin, ya know, that he's about to die and making noises an shit.....
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Where's my gun! Somebody shoot boat uh dem.
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Sorry, yous no how I can get carried away wit all the reading I do in my spare time, which is really a lot here at the Club, how much fucking pool can ya shoot........
      (sees guns coming out all around the table)
      Christ, that ain't the name, obviously, Mike Lowenstein aka Smyder Swastika! Or some shit.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      How interesting; awright boys, clear out an kill Louie if you want, he's so fuckin smart he'll figure out how to raise hisself from the dead, right!
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      You still want I should go get him?
      (six guns are cocked simultaneously)
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      If you could fine da time....
      Smike is shown in to Mr. C; Isis is kept outside in the Club gameroom; Sinatra tune 'My way' is playing softly
      MARIO CONSTANZA (CONT'D)
      I hear you finally remembered your name.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Sir, Mr. Constanza, let me ex..............
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      To doze widdout class you wouldn't have no time for splainin, you'd be wid your altered ego Mort Tisch.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      I understand. No more bullshit, right. I have come to thank you personally and to apologize for my unintended miscommunication back when you ordered the car.....
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Um a reasonable man, a businessman. I come in to do some bizness, all a sudden um getting conned; hey, bygonez are bygonez, sides your lies were so shitty I knew dey had to be government issue.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Then perhaps, I sincerely hope, I mean to say.....
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Dat the Feds have been usin yous-----hey, dat's why you ain't wit whaddyacall Mr. Tisch.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Wow, you're better than James Bond, for cryin out loud.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Don't suppose you got Sean Connery, love that fucking guy----"Bond, James Bond", cracks me up, wid admiration, acourse , ain't even a fuckin Limey an da way he made that bitch da Queen crawl to him wit the sword an all, beautiful. Look, Mike is it?, we been at dis for a long time now an, well, never did da authorities--------how did they ever get in charge anyway, except widdout our help, cabish?-----own us, no, was always de udder way around. We did a lotta good shit for dis country, ya know. We fuckin refused ta kill King, or Kennedy----such a lovely woman: dey do dis right in fronta her, makes me piss red; ya know, shoulda ratted those fucks out then sept our credibility wasn't so hot. So now, we figure, here's our chance to atone, ya know, what wit this black dude bein set up an all.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      I guess I haven't fainted yet because we're still talking. Thank God, now all I------I mean we-----have to worry about is the Mafiya, you know, with a "y".
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      No style; sure fuckin degrees out de ass from fuckin commie schools an shit, big deal; can't even spell MAFIA......HAAAAAAAHAAAa!
      (slaps SS on back hard)
      We got it covered: here's da drill: we jus bought da truckers your yuppie cocksucker boss uses an the guys on the dock; sure, commies tink dey got it all worked out, never figured that brainwashin cuts boat ways: alls ya gotta say to dere American front guys is that these Reds got uncircumcised dicks an fuck whosever's wife and kids dey kill, Bingo.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      What can I do to show my good faith?
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      You awready done it, even doe ya didn't know it, couldn't a.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Huh, I feel stupid.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      So did we when we did some diggin; got sloppy, ya know, tings get too good yous lose yur edge, cabish?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Is that with a "b" or a "p", never could figure it out?
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      You sure you ain't part Italian, cause we got a guy here who's always comin up wid shit like dat!
      SMIKE SWANSON
      No disrespect, I swear.....
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Fugedabowdit; look, plenty a time later for lessons in the language a love, for now, you an your lady friend are low profile, everything is cool; yous show up for me ta take delivery, cabish---capish----now um all fucked up here! Jus kiddin; yous been in bizness dere for two years now, right?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Exactly two on the ........ 16th, wow, didn't compute before.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      It don't matter, except it's gonna seem like da Simpson case all over down dere: got fuckin media out de ass showin up for what dey tink is some big goddam party, launching your expansion, yada yada yada.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      To sting the sting, right?
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      See, you Jews was always bright, like Meyer, fuckin genius.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      How have you managed to keep this quiet, from the Feds and Ruskis?
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      What, now you want to be made, learn all da secrets? Let's just say dat the Feds an da Reds been in a fuckin standoff for what, 50 years till dah Reds ran outta rubles------needer one worth a shit, for Chrissake. Any fight we was involved wit, 15 rounds max, an dere, ya know, the outcome was whaddya call, predictable an all. Na, dey got all dat counterintel shit, misinformation, disinfo, fuckin lies on toppa lies, pretty soon dere boat playing the game fuckin kids play: "If you knew that I know that you know what......." Gives em boat a fuckin headache, can't tink strait.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      So they discount the truth as often as they do bullshit.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Your startin to remind me a duh fuckin Grasshopper on dat show.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Kung Fu.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Yeah, loved dat guy: so polite, then he kicks everybody's ass like he's doin em a favor. Dat's anudder ting, fucking Russian mobsters, huh, wit dere karate an shit: we just rope a dope em, then fuckin shoot em like in Indianapolis Jones.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      So the Feds are coming no matter what; what about the Reds?
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      What is dere an echo in here; pay attention, dey tink when dey buy information from da Feds dat it's as good as what we always got---no way, they ain Americans like us; besides, they're all fucked up by dat same shit they an da Feds been doon since Christ was a kid.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Cabish!
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Didn't teach ya dat in law school, did they? You on da team?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Backup quarterback.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Good, cause we did not want to kill ya, respect the Jews greatly, gotta tell ya. Hey Carmine, get Louie. You'll like this guy, real scholar. Gonna keep you under wraps for awhile till we know it's safe to go home; want you all rested for the Sting of all stings.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      How can I repay you?
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Just show up at de occasional arraignment an we'll tink of something; once you got privileged info, like now, you are one safe Jewish boy.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Just say you have retained me, retroactively, and you got it.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      You been retained, ex post facto----hey, the Romans were Italians ya know!
      hands SS a stack of C notes, neatly bound by the Federal Reserve, no less
      CUT TO:
      INT. PRIVATE ACCESS HOTEL SUITE - EVENING

      scene opens with SS/ML and IV sitting in a limited access hotel room with their newest best buddy, Louie D'Benza
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Yous sure I can't get ya nuttin, room service, massage, whatever, we kinda own the joint.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      We're fine, Louie; I'm sort of tired from losing those billiard games to you and your friends back at the Club.
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Hey um down wit dat; funny thing is, I don't even hardly play no more, I like reading better, helps keep the mind active and shit. You like ta read?
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Why, yes, all sorts of things, why do you ask?
      (SS/ML is on the secure phone with SA Aaron....)
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      I could recommend some good stuff------jus finished a book by Depak Chopra, very spiritual, very inspirin.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      He is quite inspirational, drawing from all cultures yet synthesizing their central message of human aspiration toward commonality of meaning in life.
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Yeah, I was jus gonna say that; funny how minds think alike, right?
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Something like that; say, Matty, do you think I could get some aspirin, got a killer headache?
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Hey, um on it; got two guys outside, so don't worry about security while um gone.
      ( He leaves)
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Your mom and chico are fine; Aaron is class, just focused on the right thing, lotta guts. He's got the commies----sound like Mario----believing he is cooperating with them like some kinda rational Idi Amin; has them persuaded that he will Whistleblower the whole FBI into paralysis, they'll actually get more shit through than ever. Says the Russians are coming....
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Don't you have a shot from that film, Alan Arkin, "To boychik Smike, Alan"?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      You know you are right; that was one of the first ones where I had the celeb use my nickname-----you're relaxed to be talking about trivia.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      In case you missed it, it's that trivia that has, shall we say, gotten you/us into this fine mess.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      I might have Stan Laurel.......touché; let me get you up to speed, OK?
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Listening, my head can't possibly hurt any worse, so spare me any fluff.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      We are business as usual tomorrow; Aaron says that the Feds and the Reds are so preoccupied with each other that Constanza and crew are not even on their radar, just see it as a bonus: the Feds get a gimme collar and the Reds lose some competition. Amazing arrogance.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      It makes sense in a netherworld kind of way: here we have two ages-old worldviews and their stereotypical minions, Stepforded out on all that Cold War crap; how can they trust any information they get?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      You have ESP; that's the Italians' MO; you think Dr. Rotweiner would let me audit some of his classes?
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Hey, not your fault, you've worked for both sides, so they sort of cancelled each other out in your psyche, call it bullshit burnout. Happens all the time, it's what really happens to all their spies and intelligence bozos. After a while, it's a pox on both your houses. And they both deserve it, wasting all those resources shadow-boxing for penile supremacy, really terribly embarrassing to the species, the male version that is. Women have seen through it forever, that's why these freaks are all male.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Don't you want to know what's going to happen tomorrow according to American mob Hoyle?
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Not a Club member, just hustle pool with mid-level gangster management.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      That hurts; look, the "good" guys----situationally ethically speaking, of course-----are stinging both their adversaries bigtime; selected media types, including the Doc's buddy at 5, will be in attendance with strict rules of engagement: these media assholes may actually stumble into doing the right thing the right way, thanks to a little Mafia influence; I'm sure part of it was exclusive rights to the story from Mario and the Doc.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Wait a minute, the Doc needs your OK for that.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Hey, even I knew that he knew I want publicity on this thing, best insurance around. I'll waive any privilege and he knew it.
      Louie is back, with 10 kinds of analgesic...
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      For da lady...
      ISIS VISCAYA
      You know, I'm feeling better already.
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Boss says you can go home now; don't want things looking hinky so he wants I should get you back to your car-----we moved it so, if ya was tailed----those fuckers are so lost they will need Sherpa guides to get back to LA in time. Used a identical twin, right down to the plates so when whoever gets two different reports they'll blow it off; Feds ain't looking cause a Aaron an the Russkis are newbies in LA, don't know shit bout the Club.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      I'll be at the dealership at 8; look for you then.
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Hey boss don't do nuttin fore 10, but knock yourself out; shit don't happen till noon anyway:remember, act natural, we're backing you up, cabish?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Got lotsa pictures to pack up, wanna get started early.
      CUT TO:
      INT. LUXURY BANK PENTHOUSE ON WILSHIRE - DAY

      scene opens in Bank suite of offices on Wilshire, the latest Russian mob bank acquisition @ less than the disclosable 10% threshold; Tad Shcultz and his newfound friends/backers are wrapping up the latest cash laundry scheme....
      MIKHAIL BOROVSKY
      Theodore, you have quite a thriving business on your hands, and we are ready to take it, how do you say, to the next level; the publicity has really stoked the buyers volume, mostly in cash!
      (He grins)
      Obviously, we will make our personnel available to transfer the large amounts daily, for your own protection, you understand.
      TAD SCHULTZ
      I feel better just knowing your people will be around regularly and, with your new assistance from the Federal establishment, we should be immunized; the fact that you are utilizing an African American whom they fear is the ultimate security: hey, what do they say: "It's all good!"
      (Forced Russian laughter who haven't a clue what it means, like Tad)
      MIKHAIL BOROVSKY
      You are why capitalism wears such a friendly face now that we are partners in progress; Ursula, would you be so kind as to bring us some champagne and Beluga, thank you?
      TAD SCHULTZ
      I will have Mr. Aaron's share ready for him tomorrow when he arrives shopping for his vehicle, as arranged.
      MIKHAIL BOROVSKY
      Excellent; ah, here it is; gentlemen, To the beginning of a beautiful friendship! Prost!
      TAD SCHULTZ
      Hey, you know Casablanca: I can get you some great autographed photos of Bogie and Claude Rains......
      MIKHAIL BOROVSKY
      We prefer Major Strasser! HAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAA.
      CUT TO:
      EXT. THEN INT. OF BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP - MORNING


      -
      scene opens at the dealership, it is 7 am, the place is empty save for "Smike"; he has brought a huge bankers box of photos and memorabilia for Constanza......; he sits at his desk, with an 8x10 of himself, a few years younger, when he had them made up for kicks/gag gifts.....
      SMIKE SWANSON
      ( He mutters aloud as he writes )
      To Anthony Rapienza, Too Late for Me, Save Yourself, signed Mike L., Your New/Late Counsel."
      (He laughs nervously at his bathetic joke; he puts it aside)
      Dials the phone
      SMIKE SWANSON (CONT'D)
      Hey, Lou, nee Smike here; how ya feeling?
      ISIS VISCAYA
      (At the safe house; Louie is with her)
      Fine, fine; everyone is exhausted, except for Louie, never shuts up. How are things there?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Too early to tell; making out some provisional documents.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Not a will?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      No, actually, autographed photos dedicated to my new pals, mostly, and to you.......
      ISIS VISCAYA
      I like the 3D version, thanks. Look, Louie says-----well, everything, including that you are one safe Jewboy, got you covered; besides, if things go south, he has promised to take me somewhere special "soze to ease da grief a yous bein whacked"----kidding, kidding. Seriously, I like these people, their psychological profiles are healthier than most of the suits in white hats I know of.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Not to mention their grammer; look, I can think of worse things than having to say 'fug-ed-a-bowed-it' regularly. I'm peaceful about it; hey, before there were courts there was justice somewhere in the world, it's not just an ideal, it's real, only the law-----remember the harlot----can get in the way even accidentally. So long as there's little or none in or out of court to speak of, I figure I'm hangin with the people who at least don't pretend to be something they're not, cabish?
      ISIS VISCAYA
      Spoken like a true soldier; besides, they don't hang people anymore.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Right, only pack them neatly into 55 gallon drums. Somebody's coming, tell Louie to have his lookouts perk up.
      ISIS VISCAYA
      I love you, Mike; vaya con Dios. Sign some more pictures, you're the star now. Grande besso.
      A kid reporter with another TV outlet has wandered in, SS has forgotten to lock the door........
      REPORTER
      Hi, I'm Hall Stanley, with ExecNews, the business cable channel; heard there's a big event set for noonish, do you know where we should park the van?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      (Thinking fast....)
      Gee, ya know, good question; can ya have a seat, let me check on something.
      (Dialing frantically)
      Louie, what the fuck, some Jimmy Olsen fuck is.....
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Chill, counselor; we knew we couldn't avoid whaddya call leaks, fucking press; soze, look out your window, you should be seeing his van pullin outta dere now, sorta hijacked; I'll send him a cab. They ain't on the list, so looks like we got some cool equipment for salvage and so forth. Sit tight, we're on the case.'
      The reporter is gone via "cab"-----Louie has sent it before SS could react; going for a long ride outta town, in a special cab----cell phones don't seem to work, neither do the inside door handles....
      CUT TO:
      EXT. MASERATI IS EN ROUTE TO DEALERSHIP - MORNING

      scene cuts to the "chase"-----the Maserati is en route to the dealership, with some cocky Russians as passengers; there are two cars following at a distance
      DRIVER OF MAZ
      You see those guys back there?
      SECOND RUSSIAN
      Da; pull over, see what happen.
      The two cars, with what looks like men and women, pass at normal speed
      THIRD RUSSIAN
      Fucking tourists from Minnesota; let's go.
      The car pulls out; they are playing the Beatles' "Back in the USSR", rocking out, Russian style....half way thru song, car sputters.....
      DRIVER
      Fucking Italian bitch, what is happening?
      SECOND R
      We are stopping.
      DRIVER
      Oh, you think so, you Cossack fuck you.
      SECOND R
      Hey, not for our ancestors fucking your mothers you not be here, bitch.
      THIRD R
      (Obviously in charge )
      Shut up shitheads; get to the curb. We are out of fucking petrol.
      DRIVER
      Gauge is on F.
      THIRD R
      F for Fucking stupid; we are being hijacked; get the shotguns out of trunk.
      Just as they realize they have no trunk key and latch won't work without engine running..... the tourists pull up; two Russians have 9mms...
      A "woman" with a bullhorn and an Uzi orders them out
      WOMAN
      (Pulling off wig)
      Get the fuck ouda da car; yous guys are dead if you was smoking in there, swear to Christ!
      (They get out, dropping guns, seeing they are surrounded )
      Jimmy, check the fuckin ashtrays, motherfuck.
      THIRD R
      Who are you; do you know with who you are fucking?
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      ( wearing conservative tourist clothes white sox included)
      It's 'whom' you ignorant commie bastard; can't fucking stand it when immigrants such as yourselves don learn the fuckin language, it's so easy now, what wid audiotapes, every kinda videotape, what the fuck. Onna groun; take off ya shoes and socks, den ya pants.
      SECOND R
      Why, you going to rape us like KGB?
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      ( laughing with his boyz)
      Well, yous are bedda looking dan yuh women, but, no, gonna let the brothers in slam deal with sexual matters, seein as how yous are headed dere; when dey fine out yous was gonna help off one a dere own, figure its bitch time for yous.
      DRIVER R
      We do not scare by you; we do time in fucking Siberian gulag, fuckers. We kill you good.
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Put da chains on em, Jimmy; you so bad, bite true dem an you walk away.
      Out the Maz window, Louie, driving, shouts:
      LOUIE D'BENZA (CONT'D)
      See yous at the U.N., Turd World section; oh, by da way, all your paintins an shit will be protected,....... at the Customs warehouse and FBI evidence lockup, c/o Special Agent Aaron; you'll see your stuff in whaddya call, Court!HAAAHAAA Nuttin personal, jus da way we do things downtown USA. Hey even lefties got rights!
      JIMMY
      (in car driving off)
      Hey, that was a very nice pun.
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Why, thank you James, very astude a you ta notice.
      CUT TO:
      EXT. THEN INT. OF BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP - DAY


      GRAND FINALE; ALL PLAYERS ARE CONVERGING ON DEALERSHIP; IT IS 11:30AM; THE RUSSIANS, SATISFIED THAT ALL IS WELL, ARE SENDING OVER THEIR BAG MEN FOR THE PICK UP; TAD SCHULTZ HAS PULLED OUT OF HIS GARAGE, TAILED BY ONE OF AARON'S MEN; AARON IS WITH THE ASSAULT SQUAD OF THE FBI WHO ARE PREPARED TO CARRY OUT THE PLAN THEY BELIEVE HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT; AND THE RAPIENZA CREW, WELL, THEY ARE READY TO CUE THE MEDIA.........CUE MUSIC, 'BEVERLY HILLBILLIES' THEME WITH LYRICS AS SOON AS SMIKE SPIES JED AND JETHRO IN LOT
      SMIKE SWANSON
      (Looking out to the parking lot; can't believe his eyes, two hicks in a pickup truck have made for the door....)
      Jed, Jethro?
      JED, AKA UMBERTO
      Well, beautiful morning, ain't it? We sure hope its awright to come by wanted to surprise the ladies; you got that car we been wantin?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      You guys can relax, we're alone.
      JETHRO,AKA VINNY
      Fuck me, hope nobody from New York is out here, this is very very embarrassing.
      JED, AKA UMBERTO
      We wasn't spozed ta even been here, figured we was done with this hayseed shit; get a call from Mario sayin we gotta be here to make the fuckin press happy n shit. Christ!
      JETHRO, AKA VINNY
      First fuckin TV camera in my face um gonna break the bitch; guys in Jersey see dis shit, we might as well be fuckin queer or sumpin disgraceful.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Relax; you guys are really good; how the fuck did you learn to put on that accent, really convincing.
      (total bullshit)
      JED/UMB.
      Ya really tink so; cause me an Vinny been thinking, we're pretty fucking good actors, ya know; you're friends wit all dese Hollywood executives an all, right?
      JETHRO/VINNY
      Yeah, maybe get us a entry-level gig, commercial or sumpin to get our talents in fron a da public.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Well, could be, could be-----but, look, that means no busting cameras or faces or ......
      JED/UMBERTO
      I think I speak for my associate, I mean Jethro
      (falling into lousy Southern accent they have been using all along at the Deli and here)
      , when I says fuck the guys in Jersey!
      SMIKE SWANSON
      That's the spirit; now why don't you boys go into my office......
      JETHRO/VINNY
      An set a spell----
      TO UMB./JED
      pretty good huh?
      (they all smile, especially SS as if he is going to vomit)
      Just then, TS shows up with his Russian pals in tow; doesn't think anything of what he sees, expecting weird customers, now that cash is king...
      TAD SCHULTZ
      (greeting the Clampetts)
      Gentlemen, you are in good hands with AllSmike, he's our best!
      (keeps walking with his weird Russian friends)
      Now it's the Feds turn as they encircle the building
      HAROLD AARON
      (into his mouthpiece)
      Ok, by the numbers; you know the drill; the guy with the hicks is with us, now deploy and clear any changes with me, report in every 5, got it?
      he hears acknowledgements and proceeds upstairs quietly with two SWAT guys
      CUT TO:
      EXT. LAWN AROUND BOUTIQUE BUILDING - DAY

      As soon as Aaron and company move upstairs, out of harm's way.....
      MATTY MAZONE
      (into his mouthpiece)
      Awright, boys, work your way up to these SWAT bozos, doin your lawn work, nice an slow....
      CUT TO:
      INT. SCHULTZ LUXURY BOUTIQUE/DEALERSHIP - DAY

      DICK POWELL /CH. 5
      (arriving seconds later)
      Mr. Swanson, Dr. Rotweiner said I should look you up. What's happening here, SWAT team/ FBI......
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Why don't you set up your gear near the Mazerati sedan; it will all become clear in a couple of moments.
      DICK POWELL /CH. 5
      What's with the country boys, having free hotdogs?
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Hey, I can assure you they are VIPs.
      CUT TO MOMENTS LATER:
      EXT. BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP IN LA - DAY

      SWAT TEAM CO-LEADER
      SA Aaron, got some guys, say they're undercover, tellin us ta stand down, unlock & unload....
      CUT TO:

      INT. BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP IN LA - DAY

      HAROLD AARON
      Shit! Goddam DEA or locals...hold tight, on my way....
      (smiles at his own acting abilities)
      CUT TO:
      EXT. BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP IN LA - DAY
      MATTY MAZONE
      (into a closed circuit communicator)
      OK, Louie, bring in da cavalry wit press badges blazing!
      CUT TO:
      INT. SCHULTZ LUXURY BOUTIQUE/DEALERSHIP - DAY

      Other press people swarm into showroow, and Mr. Constanza has arrived unnoticed....
      HAROLD AARON
      Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, may I have your attention: my name is Special Agent in Charge Harold Aaron; I have just ordered, with the help of certain undercover allies, the arrest of Mr./ Tad Schultz, his Russian mobster partners operatives on charges of money laundering; there is an additional charge of drug trafficking, and miscellaneous international smuggling by his Russian 'banker' friends aided and abetted by Mr. Schultz
      (he orders the car opened, revealing artworks of various kinds, and drug packages cleverly hidden throughout)
      Finally, I hereby place under arrest the SWAT members, who are charged with being co-conspirators in the attempted murder of this Federal Agent.
      Pandemonium; during it, after they have been stripped of their weapons featuring cop killer armor piercing ammunition, Constanza and Mazone's independent contractors slowly disappear; some press people have noticed the Clampetts who are there as a diversion/distraction for Constanza & company, and are interviewing them; just then, a limo pulls up with Nancy Sinatra emerging---she is, of course, wearing boots...cueing her hit song, 'These boots are made for walking', loud to soft
      EXT. PARKING LOT OF LUXURY BOUTIQUE - DAY

      NANCY SINATRA (CAMEO)
      Just great! I was looking forward to seeing the collection of photos of my Dad I saw in the LA Times----wouldn't you know it, the press was tipped off I would be here!
      (turning to her driver)
      Let's go, just don't know why they can't leave me alone.....
      CUT TO:
      INT. SCHULTZ LUXURY BOUTIQUE/DEALERSHIP - DAY

      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Hey, Smike, I mean Mike, you got dose pictures we spoke about? Gotta go get Mr. R., don't want to show up empty handed, especially since we gotta forget about da Mazerati for a while.
      SMIKE SWANSON
      Mike is good, please. Smike took a hike, as in forever. Took off the Smike dedications, per instructions; hope he doesn't expect them dedicated to him.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Nah, not dese; only de udders, from time to time, dat you're gonna procure for me, if you get my drift.
      MIKE LOWENSTEIN, FKA SMIKE SWANSON
      But Smike is history.
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Hey, what's in a name, as Bill Shakespeare toll us, right? Your pictures will, whaddyacall, still look as sweet.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Finally, um getting my money's worth, D'Benza; putz is right: all that matters is to who you autograph it , hey Mike?
      LOUIE D'BENZA
      Whom.
      MARIO CONSTANZA
      Good ting the fuckin media is here to cover your ass!
      (feigning anger, and gun-pulling gesture----C hugs ML and LD)
      Story ends, fading out on Mike Lowenstein phoning Isis to advise his good health......
      -30-
      MUSIC BUILDS UP, AND IT IS, OF COURSE, Back in the USSR.........
      ROLL CREDITS
    Login Status
  • You are not logged in
      • Login
      Password
       

      Optional
      Provides additional benefits such as notifications, signatures, and user authentication.

      Create Account
    Your Name
    Your Email
    (Optional)
    Message Title
    Message Text
    Image Services Photobucket.com
    Options Enable formatted text (Huh?)
    Also send responses to my email address
          


    Create your own forum at Network54
     Copyright © 1999-2009 Network54. All rights reserved.   Terms of Use   Privacy Statement  
    Got something to say? Email: staff@angrysponge.com