Coming to a screen near you soon , these short and full feature film scripts have Spielberg worried and interested.

Are you?

INT. TV NETWORK HQ OFFICES-AFTERNOON
We see full-screen TV promo for new gotcha 'reality' program concept, 'Clown Shoes for Clay Feet.'
A GRAINY HIGH-CAMP DIG SITE IN SEPIA TONE, JANE CHALMERS, TV HOSTESS WEARING PITH HELMET, ETC. KNEELING AT A DEEP FIND
V.O. NARRATOR
After so many fitful starts, and startling fits, Chalmers trembled noticeably at the extremities she knew as her hands: could it be the Grail-like storied prize of legend, coveted for ages by costume archaeologists and foot-fetishists alike, now, lovingly cradled in those self-same quaking members? Was it that mythical artifact of universal amusement, the incipient adornment of ancient jest, the original pedus hilariosus....only whispered of since the time of Oppolodorus of Sparta, the inventor of the sandal....and THE CLOWN SHOE!
Audible gasp of glee as she uncovers it, showing it to the camera.
Tune in every Wednesday night at 9 and find out just who will be found wearing them------ don't clown around, check your local listings & be there!
CAMERA PULLS BACK ONTO CONTROL ROOM OF NETWORK
JANE'S ASSISTANT

Killer, really.
JANE CHALMERS
Yeah, but just who dies......we'll see....
(forced smile)
We all set with our footwear people?
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Looks good; Genitore called personally about dinner this weekend.
JANE CHALMERS
(rolling eyes)
Why can't Sean Connery call me; he'd have understood....'The things I do for England.'
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Speaking of which, BBC's looking at cloning us already---on buzz alone.
JANE CHALMERS

Good, hey Variety's already made me a 'Clown Princess'--- figures the Brits'll call us the new Monty Python.
JANE'S ASSISTANT
That works, 'Flying Circus', clown sh.....gee, wonder if they give knighthoods to women?
JANE CHALMERS
Shoes, circus, yes.....let's just make sure I don't end up wearing them, hmm? And, as for that royal garter, I flunked curtsying at charm school.
(gets up to leave)
Gotta go pray to the footwear deity, anything else?
They walk together to the hallway.
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Don't forget your clay treatment pedicure in half an hour.
JANE CHALMERS
Yes, but first my Achilles Heel of a sponsor needs attention.
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Always thought that was a terrific brand name for a line of fashion women's shoes.
JANE CHALMERS
Just don't give our little man/child any ideas; I'm certain his ancestors were behind Chinese foot-binding as a fashion statement.
She and Jane part at the elevator laughing.
CUT TO:
EXT. BRIGHTLY OVERLIT OFFWORLD ENVIRONS-PERMANENT DAY
We are witnessing a hazy ethereal nondescript Olympus-like setting where the leitmotif is some kind of eternally lighted netherworld, outside time/space/matter; we only visually see Mr. Machina; this is no Hollywood 'Heaven', a la Capra......a sense of wry humor pervades, more akin to Alfred North Whitehead's 'throbs of experience' Central dispatch than anything material.
O.S. ONE
(disembodied stentorian voice)
I have need of that pushy liminal one.....
D.X. MACHINA
Yes, oh powerful One....er, did you not mean 'luminous'?

O.S. ONE
(rhetorically)
How can a mistake like this
CAMERA ZOOMS ONTO D.X. MACHINA...
Any mistake.....happen at this Level of Being?!----look it up---- 'threshhold in space'.
And....have Him take his dice, along with his aide, what's the name?
D.X. MACHINA
Archie Tipes, your Oneness, afraid that one's providing ambience at a Jungian seminar.
O.S. ONE
Very well, inform my 'shyster in residence' that this time it's HIS name being vainly tossed around.
(laughing controllably)
D.X. MACHINA
'Pride before the fall, eh....'
O.S. ONE
It's never that simple with these little gods in embryo, I'm afraid...anyway, not involved in such tribal political matters, period: just in the energizing business----going back to Bliss, no calls.
FADE OUT, LITERALLY.
INT. PLUSH HALL-LIKE OFFICE OF PHILLIP INGRATA GENITORE-AFTERNOON
He is meeting with his staff about the flak he's getting about his sweatshops in Asia.

P.I.GENITORE
(interrupting)
Look....we're getting jack-hammered with this
(squinting at a newspaper)
'blood, sweat and tears', they're calling it, every day this week-----these same flakes I see on our gratuity junkets are all of a sudden 'reporters', serious journalists? I need reliable American self-indulgence and a hit show for misdirection, like now!
ADVERTISING V.P.
Kevorkian was right--- 'meretricious', every one of them.
P.I.GENITORE
Who? Merit-what?
ADVERTISING V.P.
Whores.......you know, Dr. Death...
P.I.GENITORE
Keep it clean, we're talking about my image here!
Jesus......
ADVERTISING V.P.

Sir, we've got you covered
(cues computer slides)
As you can see, we envision cross-branding deals like this one with Hermes of Paris
SHOT OF PRO-GENITORE WINGED SHOE IN PARIS WINDOW DISPLAY.
Now.....
P.I.GENITORE
Has legal looked at this, I do not require new grief....
ADVERTISING V.P.
Done; matter of fact, they tell me we can dodge this Asian thing, maybe even get a 'Hand Made in Italy' tag thrown in thanks to a loophole in the GATT treaty, as long as the tongue of the shoes is added by Italian EU workers.
P.I.GENITORE
That's more like it, with what I pay for legal knitting....
(smirking)
what about the sole instead, you know, 'the all-terrain footwear with the Italian sole'. We'll keep the tongue thing for the ladies model.
(self-amused)
His phone intercom buzzes; it is Jane Chalmers, he picks up, motioning the staff out.
P.I.GENITORE (cont'd)
Jane, the show buzz is deafening, sounds like a home run, according to Variety....let's,uh, discuss it this weekend.
CUT TO:
EXT. HERMES BOUTIQUE PARIS-DAY
Two 'Waiting for Godot' type hoboes are loitering in their usual spot outside the haute couture venue like they used to own it; they wear once fashionable attire, ,now obviously down on their luck frayed but dignified; decked out after ancient Tarot 'O.IDIOT' symbology.

FIRST HOBO
You know the boulangerie on Rue Danton?
SECOND HOBO
Looking wearily up from his days old paper, the smaller, dimmer one.
Yes, what of it?
FIRST HOBO
Just this: no more day old croissants for you!
SECOND HOBO
Mierde! What did you do this time, make some remark about her tits?!
FIRST HOBO
Id-iot! Sold out to Cafe Americain!
Wiping angry tears with soiled Hermes scarf.
SHOT: HERMES LOGO CLEARLY IN VIEW AS HE DOES SO.
SECOND HOBO
Oh, woe, so.....Kennedy was right, then, the Pax Americana, imposed wily/nily upon the once varietal world.....why do we wait for another catastrophe......
His hand sweeps toward display window of shop.
'Fashion sneakers', is that next, in this very window?
FIRST HOBO
(amazed at insight)
You've been reading again, sorry I taught you; and....and, what do you get......but de-pressed, no?

SECOND HOBO
What about.....our Bread, we cannot live by hope alone.
(breathless)
FIRST HOBO
Take a deep breath, will you, good for the soul....I think....I hear the cafe around the corner is adding free croissant samples so as to compete, you see.
SECOND HOBO
Perhaps it is French owned.....
(slowly smiling)
Maybe we wait a bit longer.
FIRST HOBO
There, you see....she say that I remind her of a good/bad.....
(pensive)
Or was it bad/good....card, in her Tarot deck!
SECOND HOBO
Oh, glorious news, a guardian witch, and you are her Joker! Are you sure you're the smart one?
FIRST HOBO
(another insight, panic)
Pshaw! I am a modern man, perhaps even post-modern....
(seeks to impress)
Mathematics, you see, the more bad, the sooner one gets to the good.

SECOND HOBO
Perhaps, we wait a bit longer, then.
(sighs)
CUT TO:




INT. BEDROOM OF P.G.; FEMALE COMPANION SLEEPS-NIGHT
P.G. thinks he is asleep, but is not sure, perhaps it is a 'waking dream'....before him is a holographic image, moving freely, addressing him...

P.I.GENITORE
Who the.....what the Hell?!
HERME MERCURE
Why, I am your new partner.
The hologram is very clear, though transparent.
P.I.GENITORE
(looking @ sleeping woman)
This is a dream.....
HERME MERCURE
Hardly....oh, Her, took a sleeping pill, on top of some sort of stimulant, naughty girl.
(smiles)
P.I.GENITORE
How did you.....
HERME MERCURE
Misseur, I did not get to be who I am being unobservant----shall we to business?
They have moved to a spacious balcony, overlooking a brilliant cityscape; P.G. is still flummoxed by the evasion of H.M., putting 'him' down to a hangover remnant, and the lure of business, as usual...
P.I.GENITORE
Just what is it you do for me?
HERME MERCURE
Why, my dear fellow, I'll have you know some of my peers in the Fortune 500----some would say B.C., of course, as I am quite your senior
(smirking)
call me the patron saint of Commerce itself!
(he knowingly laughs mutedly)
P.I.GENITORE
You're French; what have you done that I should be of any interest to me and my firm?
HERME MERCURE
Pointing to P.G.'s closet and his own tie.
Is it not true that clothes make the man, just as....you make the firm, oui?

P.I.GENITORE
Excellent, we have the same taste.
HERME MERCURE
My dear fellow, we perhaps may complement each other's desires.
P.I.GENITORE
Co-branding.....but, how did you......of course, you initiated the upscale deal, right?!
HERME MERCURE
In a manner of speaking, yes.
(smiling Sphinx like)
The newspapers, you know, how can they understand us, forces majeur, eh......let us say that certain, how you say 'backers',forces in their own right... felt it to be a...strategic move, mmm? And, this 'branding'----something one does to mere cattle, yes: had it up to here with such beasts in my youth, you see.....
(inside joker's smirk)
I prefer cross pollination; shall we say 10 am, next Monday, your office?
P.I.GENITORE
(startled)
Well, I've got a .....sure, yes, Hades
(pause)
Hell, yes.
HERME MERCURE
Bon----I see you know your myths; by the way, you remind me---old age, eh---I'll be there in the flesh----this hi-tech way of travelling, while amusing, can be troublesome when it comes to signing documents, yes?
P.I.GENITORE
You know what, come up to my weekend place on Sunday, more pleasant, less hectic, I insist.
(egotistically)
Hey, how can I get ahold of, you know, this high tech device of yours?
HERME MERCURE
(index finger to mouth)
Not so easy........sometimes I feel it has taken me ages to build my, how do you say, network, you know, friends in high places. Not to worry: I know the head man, a Mr. Deus Machina, a master technician. Until Sunday.......I do so appreciate Nature's idylls, reminiscent of Arcadia.
P.I.GENITORE
(pauses at strange name)
Oh, yes, Canada, lovely.
HERME MERCURE
(seeks misdirection)
Yes, of course.....Canada, surely, home of your 'Cajuns', interesting cuisine.
FADE TO VERY BRIGHT LIGHT:
INT. LIVE STUDIO AT NETWORK-EVENING
It is the premiere of 'Clown Shoes for Clay Feet', Jane's reality program; it is near the end, at the 'awards' segment. The band begins playing her theme music, Sondheim's 'Bring in the Clowns...'
JANE CHALMERS
It's our 'Moment of Truth', ladies and gentlemen, where you help us select the not-so-proud wearer of the Clown Shoes and, as you know, we have included a sample of viewers selected randomly to chime in via email as well; so, let's see our three finalists, by previous audience vote, one more time.....
SHOTS: VIDEOS FEEL TO FOOTAGE FOR VERISIMILITUDE EFFECT.
The first video vignette is of Mr. Swanson Squirdling, at a graduation ceremony.
V.O. NARRATOR
'Now, having finally completed his unlikely matriculation, the feckless Mr. Squirdling humbly holds in his pudgy hand the degree he has, against all odds, secured after much hard work and travail; his usually puffed-out breast can scarcely contain his pride at having graduated with the top honors bestowed by the school known as magna cum largo---we kid you not-----bestowed by the school, he's shown here in footage submitted by his own family in graduate attire at the Wichita Women's Technical School as its first male graduate...... in bra design and construction!'
(applause)
JANE CHALMERS
Poor Swanson, looks like there's a mammogram or two in his future; next one, please.
Shown is a certain Spike Buxxum judging a beauty contest.
V.O. NARRATOR
'Insalubrious as was the moment to his reputation, Mr. Buxxum----his real name folks, we checked----was so enthralled by the failure of the chesty young woman's gown to contain her mammary endowment, he deftly undertook to fondle both entrants in HIS brain's 'best breast' contest, inattentive to the embarrassingly material proposition that he had been summoned as a last minute substitute judge in the regional transgender 'Miz-ter America' contest!'
(applause)
JANE CHALMERS
As you all know, all candidates have agreed to these viewings, so all you lawyers putting on your winged shoes, made by Genitore, of course, with the heat-seeking plaintiff detector attachment, also available from another sponsor, can just, oh, think about..... baseball!
(knowing laughter at sexual innuendo)
Hey, the magic of TV, your 15 seconds of shame, sponsors and present company of course excluded; final vignette---- just look it up-----please!
When we return, the results!
V.O. NARRATOR
The distinguished University academic committee charged with putting on this year's Symposium had been meticulous in its efforts to maintain all the trappings of the ancient Greek discussion format, down to the very last detail.
"Well, I'll tell you this, a bunch of grown men, professors at that, parading around half-dressed, drunk as skunks-----not to mention the morals charges we intend to bring on the complaint of several young boys------we had no choice" asserted police chief Durward Quirkman to the assembled TV cameras.
At the preliminary hearing held later that month, the defense counsel stoutly held forth that his clients had done nothing more than Plato himself might have done in the name of the original Academy.
"Well, Mr. Schmoozewad", replied the judge, "I will tell you this, once we catch up with this Mr.Plato he'll be facing the same charges as your clients!"
(applause)
JANE CHALMERS
Folks, not touching that one, literally, too touchy, feely; anyway, it's definitely Greek to us! Back with the winner in a jiffy!
FADE TO BLACK.










EXT. ASIAN SWEAT SHOP BRIGHT STEAMY DAY
SHOT: OF AERIAL ZOOM/ OBVIOUSLY HAPHAZARDLY CLEARED NEAR-JUNGLE SITE, WITH METROPOLIS TOWERS---E.G., BANGKOK---JUST VISIBLE OVER TREETOPS......FOCUS UPON CORPORATE NAME/LOGO ON AND IN BUILDING: 'WINGED FOOT ENTERPRISES OF THAILAND, LTD.', SHOWING LOGO AS BLURRED MOTION PICTURE OF MERCURY....
A photographer has left his crew truck on a wooded hilltop, having been wired up with concealed cameras and outfitted with phony middleman credentials; he is seen entering the factory, with no problems.
CUT TO:
VARIETY HEADLINE: 'CLOWN PRINCESS & HER AMERICAN CIRCUS FLYING HIGH, GIVES NOT SO JOLLY BOOT TO COMPETITION'
Jane is the new Johnny, America's sweetheart; new advertisers have deluged her office, most persistent has been the Hermes representative, a charming Frenchman, who seems to effortlessly glide across the floor rather than walk. They meet for lunch.
HERME MERCURE
Enchante, my dear, so good of you to come.
JANE CHALMERS
It seems you have charmed my assistant; anything to do with her Achilles Heels idea?
HERME MERCURE
(falsely modest)
Shall we simply call it a 'trade secret', yes?
JANE CHALMERS
I prefer 'magic'......as in trick.
(smiles demurely)
In any event, it seems to have worked, here I am.
HERME MERCURE
Yes, yes......here we are; I see why it is that the world is now in love with you, such aplomb, such wit.
'He' is on his turf, having arranged the luncheon down to the most impressive detail, even knowing here favorite cocktail, color, etc.
JANE CHALMERS
I didn't order this......
HERME MERCURE
I did; is it to your liking?
JANE CHALMERS
(taken back)
Well, yes, but....
HERME MERCURE
Please, indulge an old fool who fancies himself a gentleman. Permit me to fulfill my....task, on behalf of my....superiors, so to say; we....they....are prepared to offer you carte blanche in exchange for primary sponsorship of your wonderful program. They appreciate its leitmotif, you see, more than you can know.
JANE CHALMERS
I appreciate the kind words, but exactly whom do you represent?
HERME MERCURE
There, you see, they have particular affinity for such a nicety as 'whom', especially in view of the difficulty of English.........
(cut off)
JANE CHALMERS
Then you won't mind my repeating it: just for 'whom' ....do you work, Misseur Mercure, did I pronounce it correctly?
HERME MERCURE
But, of course, like the ancient god of Commerce, Mercury.
JANE CHALMERS
See him all the time at Grand Central.......wings on his feet, striking, although a little light in the wardrobe.
HERME MERCURE
Most amusing, I'm sure, which brings us to my employers, whose speciality is in out-fitting the human form with all necessary...... accoutrement.
JANE CHALMERS
You're in clothing then.
HERME MERCURE
As I said, all which may be truly needed by man.
JANE CHALMERS
Or woman.
HERME MERCURE
Certainmonte.
JANE CHALMERS
And all I have to do is wear these......accoutrement, oui?
HERME MERCURE
Do I surprise you by responding that that is entirely up to you; this is not of concern to.....these mark-ed forces.
JANE CHALMERS
Please, I'm all ears; tell me more.
HERME MERCURE
As you wish..........
FADE TO BRIGHT WHITE:
INT. SMALL SQUALID CAFE PARIS-MORNING
Our two hoboes are breakfasting on stale croissant.
FIRST HOBO
Not bad, yes?
SECOND HOBO
Compared to what........the butter is spoiled, and the cafe....
(cut off)
FIRST HOBO
Ingrate! Stupide! This is a gift from above, do you not see it? You have feathers in your tousled hair, encyribe!
SECOND HOBO
'Him' again....I am tired of waiting....and what do you expect, the pigeons shed them like the serpent his skin.
(he picks them from head)
They go outside to the damp cobblestone street.
CUT TO:

EXT. COBBLESTONE STREET OUTSIDE CAFE-MORNING
FIRST HOBO
Things are about to change, I can sense it.
SECOND HOBO
I'm too weary to rely on my senses; you wish to be sensible, our clothes are more ragged by the day, and my shoes.......
FIRST HOBO
'Clothes make the man', is that it! Easy for Maupassant, he had money......
SECOND HOBO
We should wait for him, then......
FIRST HOBO
Idi-ot! Guy is long gone.....I tell you there's something in the air.....
SECOND HOBO
Yes, your body odor........or maybe the rotting corpse of this writer; let's get his clothes!
FIRST HOBO
(eyes rolling)
Why do I bother.......
(looking skyward, palms up)
A pair of new shoes and some clothes fall from the sky.
UNSEEN BY THE TWO GENIUSES AN ANGRY SPOUSE FIGHTS WITH HER HUSBAND, THROWING HIS CLOTHES OUT A 3RD FLOOR WINDOW.
SECOND HOBO
(falls to his knees)
It's Him!, He heard us........
FIRST HOBO
Ha! Who, your dead writer, NO! My faith has been rewarded, you see.....
(cut off)
SECOND HOBO
(kissing foot of first hobo)
Forgive me.....
FIRST HOBO
Body odor!
SECOND HOBO
I am a guilty dog, barking first.
FIRST HOBO
A dog is loyal........
SECOND HOBO
Look, there's enough for us both.
FIRST HOBO
You see, good thing I am strong for us both.
SECOND HOBO
Your were right......we will wait as long as it takes.
FIRST HOBO
That's much better.
(hits him on head with shoe)
CUT TO TWO WEEKS LATER:
INT. PLUSH HALL LIKE OFFICE OF P.I. GENITORE-DAY
His personal assistant is on the phone with him in his limo; he is furious.
PIG'S PERSONAL ASSISTANT
I'm sure its's all a huge misunderstanding.......
P.I.GENITORE
Misunderstanding....to the tune of $2Billion US; we had a deal with these guys, they approached us!
NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: 'HERMES OF PARIS BRINGS WTO COMPLAINT VS. GENITORE'S WINGED FOOT WARE GROUP; BRAND INFRINGEMENT, ETC. ALLEGED'
P.I.GENITORE (cont'd)
Any luck with Jane-----I can't get through on her private line?
PIG'S PERSONAL ASSISTANT
No go; say she's been told by the network lawyers......
(cut off)
P.I.GENITORE
Reminds me.....what the Hell do our counsel say, can't reach them.
PIG'S PERSONAL ASSISTANT
Well, it seems your crack team upstairs can't, well, seem to locate those dox you say you inked with Mr........
P.I.GENITORE
I SAY.....whose side are you on?
PIG'S PERSONAL ASSISTANT
What do you want me to tell the press, they're all over me?
P.I.GENITORE
I'll handle that personally.....headed to the photo lab right now---I've got this clown on hidden video, from my apartment that night, and then Sunday, at my place in the country. They're gonna be consuming some heavy crow on the newly cut-rate executive dining room menu at some formerly reputable papers when I'm through, as in defamation.
PIG'S PERSONAL ASSISTANT
I'm sure that the truth will out; besides, don't see that as a possibility.
She hangs up, knowing somehow that he didn't get that last put down.
.
CUT TO NEXT DAY:
INT. PHOTO PROCESSING LAB-DAY
TECHNICIAN, LONG HAIRED WITH GREENPEACE/EARTH DAY PARAPHERNALIA IN BACKGROUND IS PLAYING/COPYING VIDEO SHOWING 'P.I.G.' IN BED WITH MISTRESS, AND NO MERCURE; COURIERS IT OVER TO NETWORK OFFICES OF JANE C.
CUT TO:
INT. NETWORK STUDIOS-EVENING
Jane is introducing a new gotcha installment; she is at the height of her power, making her a convenient target of the usual suspects.
JANE CHALMERS
Ladies & gentlemen, tonight we're going to shift gears somewhat----you know we like to keep you guessing and, well, I think we've proven lately conclusively fact does trump fiction just about every time! Tonight, our theme is fickle Fate, in the corporate boardroom, or should I say, bedroom: is that redundant?
(knowing laughter)

----let's join our bedfellows, in that lofty space where you'll find more than invisible mythic forces at......work? ....and, men, this one fits the bill in the 'strange' category----let's watch!, courtesy of our guest's own mini-cam, I think his companies actually make them, somewhere in Asia.....
P.I.G. IS SEEN CAVORTING WITH HIS MISTRESS; SHE'S INHALING A WHITE POWDER, HE'S SHOWING HIS DERRIERE, MOVING TO TECHNO MUSIC.
JANE CHALMERS (cont'd)
Now, instead of our usual competition, where you are the judges, we showed this yesterday to a randomly chosen focus panel and they---you---this one gets the Clown Shoes, pants down!
Canned applause, laughter.
JANE CHALMERS (cont'd)
And remember, all you clowns waiting out there, don't bother to hide-----like the song says, you're already here! Next week, it's back to our cut-throat competition, between our more serious clowns like tonight's!
CUT TO THREE WEEKS LATER:
MONTAGE OF EXPOSE FOOTAGE OF GENITORE'S SWEAT SHOP PRACTICES; HEADLINES: 'GENITORE FOUND DEAD--FOUL PLAY NOT EXCLUDED'.
EXT. BRIGHTLY OVERLIT DEMIMONDE-PERMANENT DAY

The ante is up---Earth's voyeuristic realm 'beyond' in time/space is obsessively armed with cameras, seen and unseen; feeding a spiraling frenzy to clone---and dethrone--- Jane's seeming success; every network has ripped off and attacked CS4CF as vicious, even phoney, enlisting the Church into the 'bargain'; Misseur Mercure has been summoned......
O.S. ONE
So, just what words on the high-energy messages floating around here saying "No lawyer's tricks allowed, period!" didn't you get?
HERME MERCURE
(sarcastically)
You forget your sobriquet for me,..... 'shyster in residence'?
O.S. ONE
Sarcasm won't cut it----my chief attribute is infinite patience, along with the privilege of apparent contradictions.
HERME MERCURE
Right....good, made my rep with misdirection, the old impetinata, like in fencing, a little artful feint, for the electronic public.
(mimes the moves)
O.S. ONE
TV , artful, never happen? Besides, art's another force for another..... Skywalker.
(self-amused)
HERME MERCURE
Well, no of course not... hey, don't shoot the messenger, right......just file broadcasting under my Commerce hat.
O.S. ONE
So, what do we do about this mess......
MEGA SCREEN OF PRIVACY LAWSUITS, RELATED CHAOS MELANGE.
O.S. ONE (cont'd)
We have to watch this you know....it seems, eternally.
HERME MERCURE
(mimes HAL 9000 voice)
There's really no question about it, this sort of thing has cropped up before, and it has always been due to mortal error, pretty much owing to your hybrid experiment....D.X.....I mean, where's the subtlety-----no, I'm the trickster and, what do we do-----insert the Deus ex machina ----please, just an excuse for a weak plot structure, I mean, even the material critics are on to that one, it's an idea whose time has....left, thankfully.
O.S. ONE
Look, what's done can be undone, strict cause and effect went out with Einstein----not that they understand it, or him....
HERME MERCURE
The no socks thing did not help....
O.S. ONE
Don't interrupt, I'm energizing; look,
we've crossed a threshhold here, big one, that's your turf----- 'liminal space', right?----what with humans and their toys------should have gone easy on the inspiration, you know, the quantum mechanics----next thing you know, the little toolmakers are lousy with cell phone, faxes, email, minicameras----Bingo, instead of a new golden age of healthy, learn-ed poets, I get road rage.
HERME MERCURE
Tell me about it----okay, Caesar crosses the Rubicon, no problem, I'm on it----but, this! Shoulda talked him out of it, before Empire, Legions, heavy duty footwear, orgies.......strike that last one...
O.S. ONE
Take a deep breath....I'll grant you, some of it even looks like fun.
(both snicker)
O.S. ONE (cont'd)
Enough, already; suggestions, and inspire me, okay? What about something like this trick?
(he invokes instant image)
A FLOATING HUGE HOLOGRAPHIC DEPICTION OF OLD FILM OF KIRK DOUGLAS AS ULYSSES OUTWITTING CIRCE WITH HERMES' HELP.

HERME MERCURE
These clowns don't even think we exist: 'I don't see it, therefore I resist'; besides, they've seen the movie; I suppose DNA manipulation's off the table........
O.S. ONE
Been there, can a worms; no, fashion, trends, styles, gotta be soft touch, free will, that sorta thing.
HERME MERCURE
(pensive)
Please, don't involve us in that tribal stuff......so Hollywoodized, we're intelligent subatomic forces, throbs of experience, process, not mat.....I've got it! No worries, Chief.....synchronicity!
O.S. ONE
What, Jung?
HERME MERCURE
(nodding)
Yes, 'there are no accidents, only things we misunderstand until later, looking back', they understand that, same thing.
O.S. ONE
These clowns are mostly Freudians, telling you, what with Jung going public on our UFOs, bad for the truth all around, they're just not sufficiently evolved.
HERME MERCURE
Then it's time for a quantum leap: all the world loves a clown.
O.S. ONE
Isn't that the problem----clown overpopulation?! Please.
HERME MERCURE
Chief....no offense....
O.S. ONE
None taken.
HERME MERCURE
That's just it! It's only effective---they call it 'funny', when everyone's got those shoes on----- 'Gotcha' suddenly evolves into a sizeable 'closet clown'.....coming out party, en masse!
O.S. ONE
Volunteer your clownness, humility----I like it.
Hermes prepares to leave.
O.S. ONE (cont'd)
One more thing......get a good copyright lawyer on this----could be very profitable.
HERME MERCURE
What about those electronic rules?
O.S. ONE
What, a lawyer protecting clowns' right rights: perfectly in tune with the Natural, the purest instinct----simple self- preservation.
CUT TO NEXT DAY:
EXT. HERMES BOUTIQUE PARIS-DAY
Our two Bohemians are loitering as usual, enjoying their new togs; a stranger approaches conspicuously.
FREDDY MERCURY
(American accent)
Gentlemen, gentlemen......
They reflexively look around, habitually ignoring themselves as the possible objects of his interest.
FREDDY MERCURY (cont'd)
No, no, you, yes!
FIRST HOBO


You are addressing us, Sir.......?
FREDDY MERCURY
Mercury, Frederick, Esquire, at your service.
SECOND HOBO
(indignant)
Hey, that's usually our line.
FREDDY MERCURY
Of course.......you must be wondering just what all this badinage is concerning, am I right?
FIRST HOBO
We haven't yet gotten to what could fairly be termed badinage; more like persiflage, correct, my friend?
(pokes second hobo in ribs)
SECOND HOBO
Ouch, careful, my injury.
FIRST HOBO
Fool, you were struck on the head!
SECOND HOBO
(rubs head on cue)
FREDDY MERCURY
You are buskers, yes; is this your usual act, very amusing, I must say, I've heard of you two.
SECOND HOBO
(defensive reflexively)
Well, we haven't really been ourselves....since the war......
FIRST HOBO
What war?
SECOND HOBO
Indo China..........remember, we were disqualified by the Foreign Legion.
FREDDY MERCURY
Don't they accept everyone?
SECOND HOBO
See what I mean, very depressing really.
Mercury is beside himself at his prescience; they will be perfect.
FREDDY MERCURY
Fellows......, so sorry, we have yet to be formally introduced.
SECOND HOBO

Yes, how do we know you're not from the Legion.......
FIRST HOBO

What are you talking about!
SECOND HOBO

Can't be too careful, that's all, they might have sent him for their...boots.
FIRST HOBO
(rolls eyes)
What boots!? We didn't join, idi-ot!
SECOND HOBO
Then where did we get the boots he's seeking?
FIRST HOBO
And just how do we know he even works for them, to recover the boo
(explodes)
Arghhh! Now you have got me doing it.......
(turns to stranger)
You were saying, kind sir?
(smacks partner)

FREDDY MERCURY
Quite right: my card.
(hands each one)
FIRST HOBO
Intaglio print, rather nice.
SECOND HOBO
Raised lettering too; we had such printing, remember, Jocko, when we were blind......
(first hobo stomps foot)
FREDDY MERCURY
I have a proposition: how would you like to be on television?
SECOND HOBO
Is it the sort they have in shops.......we don't show up very well, poor quality you see; remember that gendarme insisting it was us?
FIRST HOBO
That case was thrown out, buffoon!
SECOND HOBO
My point exactly, very poor imagery, I looked haggard, and fat. Ha! Would that I betrayed even a slight paunch, much less f.....
(smacked)
FIRST HOBO
Misseur, my friend, he is not well.....
(glaring)
FREDDY MERCURY
My friends, where are my manners.....shall we repair to a convenient boulangerie for some repaste while we discuss.....
SECOND HOBO
Your....proposition.
(smirks at partner)
SECOND HOBO (cont'd)
You see, I am a proper man of affairs.
He rubs his forefinger and thumb together as if unseen by Mercury.
FIRST HOBO
(under his breath)
May the force be with us.....
CUT TO NEXT DAY:
INT. TV NETWORK HQ OFFICES-AFTERNOON
Jane's assistant has been told no appointments; she is hunkered down, confused and beseiged. The papers have turnned on her, and the niche she created.
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Um....Jane......the gentleman has been waiting for.....
JANE CHALMERS
Who? I'm afraid I don't know any, not certain I ever met one.
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Mr. Mercure......
JANE CHALMERS
Well, do show him in; surprised he's willing to be seen in my company.
He is shown in, all floating and with a strange aura.
HERME MERCURE
Jane, I heard the news and had to come, much like it, the disappointing news.
JANE CHALMERS
Looks like you bet on a one trick pony, Herme....and, what do you mean, this was inevitable?
(he kisses her hand)
HERME MERCURE
Patience, child, seen it all before----I believe you call it a 'witch hunt'; I wish to convey.....
(cut off)
JANE CHALMERS
Your sympathies?
HERME MERCURE
Certainly not; no, I have a proposition.
JANE CHALMERS
I'm afraid that window's closed, unless you're on a first name basis with say, some major wizardry, preferably with a magic wand.....
HERME MERCURE
(under his breath)
Funny you should mention this.....

I'm not exactly an alchemist, but I do know that your troubles are merely temporary; what if I were to tell you that the best strategy at this moment is that timeless remedy: laughter in the face of the unknown.
JANE CHALMERS
From what I hear, that's all I hear----at me, this thing we birthed, and you want me to whistle past my own graveyard.
HERME MERCURE
A very old wise man once told me: 'Your defeat can be your victory'.
JANE CHALMERS
Aside from their usual aversion to wisdom by definition, why don't the critics seem to have heard that one.
HERME MERCURE
Critics, ach! Empty heads following something as intangible as the wind; you must now be the clown you have sought to expose in others.
JANE CHALMERS
That cliche is 'laugh and the world laughs WITH you', correct?
HERME MERCURE
Just so; I have two associates I wish to have you meet, may I bring them in?
JANE CHALMERS
What are you up to, Herme?
HERME MERCURE
Make that 'up', as in the direction of your fortunes, and 'two', as in Messrs. Jocko and Jules.
The two hoboes waltz in, attired in new clothes, and on their feet, enormous clown shoes, impossible to miss. They bound into their Alphonse & Gastone routine.
JOCKO
Enchante, madam; I shall be your champion.
(he bows, rising with a newly stuck clown nose)
JULES
Your most humble servant, my queen!
(he trips over Jocko's shoes)
JANE CHALMERS
To what do I owe your allegiance?
(laughing at their vaudeville ways)
HERME MERCURE
Jane, what if your subjects---millions of them--- couldn't resist laughing at themselves, the things they share in common?
JANE CHALMERS
(skeptical)
Alright, Mr. Wizard, let's start with politicians, shall we?
HERME MERCURE
Touche! But, you see, you have forgotten to let the 'second clown shoe' of your premise drop. Allow me to recall your fascinating American history: a wonderful human being, name of Dan Rice----and close personal friend of Lincoln----a clown of great renown, created the Uncle Sam imagery that still stirs any crowd to their common bond----he inspired the phrase 'get on the bandwagon'! Wherever his circus went, local pols clamored to ride atop it, hoping his popularity----a simple clown---would accrue to their benefit.

JANE CHALMERS
Clay feet on parade, eh?........you're not....from around here, I mean this 'time', are you.
HERME MERCURE
(ignoring her probe)
And, what makes such a person, seated next to a clown successful, a true man of the people?
JANE CHALMERS
'Hi, folks, um one of you'.
HERME MERCURE
Exactamonte. And who stands out after humility has taken its irresistible human toll but the fraudster, donning the egomaniac's mask.
JOCKO
Pardone, Madam, my associate and I are, how you say, very gay.
JANE CHALMERS
All to the good for a clown.
JULES
What my colleague wishes to convey to you is that he is in love with me, you see.
JOCKO
It is vice versa, I took pity on him, you must.bel....
HERME MERCURE
Boys, boys......does it really matter; come on, empathy, like true clowns.
They reluctantly hug each other, very awkwardly, stepping all over each other's shoes.
HERME MERCURE (cont'd)
Voila!
JULES
We believe that the world is full of clowns, waiting to exit the clos-et, yes.
JOCKO
And, by historical, how you say, 'sininthe- city', we are the universal tramp, like Charlie Chaplin.....
JULES
He means synchronicity.....reads alot, but not so good speller, mm?; the Swiss genius, Jung......one must have the openness of the Fool..the underdog, yes, nothing to lose.....
JOCKO
And why not, there are so very many of us!
JANE CHALMERS
Thanks to the egomaniacs behind the 'normal' masks......Brilliant!
JOCKO
(taken back)
Yes.....we could have been officers in the Legion, you know, busy with other....commitments.....
They are caught up in the euphoria of their new attitude.
JULES
It's lonely at the top, yes!
She sees the light, hugging Herme, then, trying to do so with the boys, barred by their gigantic shoes. She sees that they are irresistible is their admitted bathos.
JANE CHALMERS
Just crying on the inside, dying....to come out!
(into intercom)
Suzie, get the writers in here.
CUT TO:
INT. SMALL SQUALID CAFE PARIS-MORNING
The proprietor is reading Le Monde; on the front page are none other than her two freeloaders, Jocko and Jules, beaming with Jane Chalmers in the middle; the show is on a world tour, "All the World Loves a Clown".
WE SEE HER HITTING PAPER, SCREAMING TO THE BACK ROOM CHEF ABOUT WHAT INGRATE BUMS THEY ARE; HOW MUCH MONEY THEY OWE HER.
CUT TO:
INT. EUROPEAN STUDIOS OF ARGOS TELEVISION -EVENING
Jocko & Jules, the new darlings of the newly humble media airwaves have warmed up the audience with their shtick, all pantomime. Jane comes out wearing clown shoes and a multi-colored nose, and hair. She is subtitled in several languages.
JANE CHALMERS
Welcome, clowns everywhere! You know, we are so impressed by the greeting you the world has given us, and I think I now know why; a great clown once said: 'Man is the only animal on Earth that blushes---or needs to'; you and I, we're also unique, in a more positive way, just like the knowing smiling reaction we all had to his wit, his truth----and it is that same precious yet ignored thing that is universally desired and, yes, needed, as it is part of what we are------laughter at the truth about ourselves, our feet of clay, by which we all enter this world------screaming!
Laughter and applause.
And, instead of the brain's bullying----why shouldn't it act that way, we worship it, using it to do so!-----what if instead of: 'I'm glad that happened to somebody else' we used our intuition, our heart and soul, to say: 'That's happened to me or someone I know'--------because, and you have felt this, something we call miraculous---but only because it's sadly too rare---begins to happen: empathy. Without it, we go too far, we succumb to antipathy. And so, now, we all perhaps understand a bit better just why it is that all the world loves a clown!
More live applause, whistling.
JANE CHALMERS (cont'd)
Okay, now put on your clown faces and empathize------and the world empathizes with you-------you just can't help but laugh with them!



JANE CHALMERS (cont'd)
This first video, sent in by, of all people, the Chief Magistrate of the Hague, tells us, well, that he gets it: too much work and no play makes Jack the judge a dull boy. Roll it, please Jocko & Jules.
They assume mime poses in this and all videos.
V.O. NARRATOR
Jane, this one we call 'A Man of Few Words'.........Now a veritable shell of a man, Hangbender Schmidt was escorted into the starkly modern courtroom of The International Tribunal for the Disposition of Cases of Oblique Crimes Against Humanity, or the catchier 'TITFDCOCAH', his crime: he had created the goosestep......... "Order!" gaveled the Chief Magistrate, "We will hear the charges....." : "Hangbender Schmidt, you are charged with having, by dint of your 'inspiration', at 3:30a.m., Greenwich Mean Time, January 20th, 1934, come up with the style of marching now forever intertwined with the oppressive 'jackboot'.....how do you plead?"; after a pregnant pause, the remnant of an accused, a proud dignified-looking gentleman who was known for his unwavering embrace of principle, struggled to his feet and, in keeping with, and defense of, his passion for anatomical display......flipped off the judge with the international symbol of contempt, a big fat bird."
JANE CHALMERS
Who says language seperates people? Hang in there Hangbender.......brevity is indeed the soul of wit. And, remember, all you clowns , including the Hangbenders out there, while we don't necessarily condone your selfish behavior, if bad taste were a crime, we'd finally be rid of all the lawyers!
Applause, cheering.

We have one more tonight in our quarter finals competition, so be ready to cast your electronic ballots. Jocko, Jules.....
V.O. NARRATOR
This one comes to us from Star City, Russia, the Russian Cape Canaveral, what good sports; Torn between the greater good of peace, at last, between peoples of differing cultural mores and traditions on the one hand, and his selfish concerns about posing as the chained primate in Cosmonaut Grigori Kinski's elaborately feigned appearance of insanity as his ticket home, Astronaut Simpson agreed to play Jimbo the surly monkey in the upcoming television transmission back to Star City, from the confines of an admittedly long past prime Mir, hoping earnestly that when his time came to return his prehensile tail would fit into his spacesuit.
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. U.S. CHAMBER OF COMMERCE BOARD MEETING-NEXT MORNING
The eminence gris of capitalist commerce are specially gathered to ruminate over the 'clown shoes' phenomenon; there are even foreign affiliate representatives, newly infected by consumerism; a special envoy from the Vatican has even been persuaded to attend. People are somehow less frustrated, and gratification spending/consuming less....
CHAIRMAN PAGLIACCI
Gentlemen, and ladies......
(he smiles at his afterthought)
You all know our purpose; pains have been taken to insulate us from the press, so feel free to speak candidly.
CIS RUSSIAN REP. RIZHII
Meester Chairman, thank you for the invitation, on behalf of the Russian Federation; as you know, change has virtually plagued our society, and now you, the high priests of capitalism give us this, this 'thing', urging our people to embrace humility and see each other as equally flawed, without many needs. Is this 'business as usual', as your IMF has promised us?
CHAIRMAN PAGLIACCI
Please, our experts don't expect this to be anything but a passing whim of pseudo-culture; after all, that is the nature of the medium, by design: what is done may be undone. We simply 'need'----now there's the term of the hour...
(his smile returns)
To do a better job of ramping up the blending of want with need; then they unwashed can do what they do best and have done on cue over time----it's a win/win: we win, they think they don't lose!
MONSIGNOR MORTE
May I, distinguished attendees, be recognized?
CHAIRMAN PAGLIACCI
Of course, your eminence.
MONSIGNOR MORTE
Gentlemen.......
Self-conscious, unused to the company of women.
And, um, ladies.......I devoutly wish that this problem were so simple as it may appear, but take heart, as there may be an added reason to redouble your efforts.
(he is handed a dossier)
You see, we have much experience with what can only be describ-ed as 'certain forces', not, I regret, purely of this world. His Holiness' experts in Rome have encouraged me, in the strongest terms possible for... to inform this august gathering that Satanism may be at the root of this....popular fantasm. Sadly, this American woman
(he dons his expensive nez perz)
Is someone of questionable....character; moreover, it appears that she is in company of two, how to be delicate when speaking of....Evil.....street homosexuals.
There is open hub-bub; homophobia, all the worst instincts have been given the most ironic license. The Chair gavels a recess, closetting himself with the Papal envoy, as rehearsed.
CHAIRMAN PAGLIACCI
Your eminence.....
MONSIGNOR MORTE
Please, Francisco.....
(he strangely surveys Pagliacci's body)
CHAIRMAN PAGLIACCI
I feel that we have the....necessary forces, this time, of good, aligned to do what.. 'needs' to be done.
MONSIGNOR MORTE
Please to understand, there is, shall we say, an enlightened regime at large in today's St. Peter's; yet, as you know, since the Sindona matter and its consequent financial losses some years ago,
(cut off)
CHAIRMAN PAGLIACCI
The lawyer at the center of the Vatican bank scandal?
MONSIGNOR MORTE

The same.......we, that is, Rome feels strongly that this sad Chalmers business is, what is the phrase, bad for business, mmm?
(the smile of lucre)
I must confess that, as a man of some....worldly....affairs, even I was alarm-ed on finding that this Ms. Chalmers-----did you know that she is a Jewess?----is a divorcee, having been somewhat intimate with the late Mr. Genitore, a longtime practicing Catholic and great friend of the Church, and, well, during her university days dabbled in Wicca? Indeed, there is some evidence of deep interest in scurrilous Coptic texts concerning.....Lucifer; seems she became enthralled with the notion there that he was an angel of the Lord, his Latin name connoting 'bringer of light'----of course, these texts have been excluded from our Holy Scriptures, such heresy!
An aide of the Chairman summons them to luncheon, tabled with the most influential TV executives, including overseas representatives invited by this clique in the Vatican.
FADE TO BLACK:


EXT. JANE'S PARIS HOTEL CURBSIDE-NIGHT
The (corporate lapdog) media is unleashed, like a pack of dogs...of 'war'. The headlines of the evening papers read...
'REALITY TV......BUT WHOSE REALITY?'
PAPPERAZZI
Meese Shalmer, do you have comment?
(microphone pressed forward)
JANE CHALMERS
Si vous ples.......se encryibe!
BODYGUARD
Make way!
(shoving)
JANE CHALMERS
(to her Asst.)
What the Hell.......gotta be from the industry hacks.....first I'm ruthless, now it's their turn!
Jane makes her way into the Ritz, through the same entrance used by Princess Diana that fateful night.
BODYGUARD
We're clear, Ms. C.
CUT TO MINUTES LATER:
INT. HOTEL SUITE-NIGHT
Jane is suffering a bout of paranoia flashback, especially now that she's in Diana & Dodi's love nest.
JANE CHALMERS
Ray....
(scans his eyes)
You do work for.....me.....
BODYGUARD
No problemo, you know better, especially since New York.
(indignant)
JANE'S ASSISTANT
What's he mean?
BODYGUARD
Punched out my ex when he offered him $100k cash for dirt.
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Dirt, these reporters are mud wrestlers, look at this crap....... 'Was Jane ever interested in Tarzan, or....other Janes, like her favorite assistant?' Jesus, my personal body's guard will punch whoever out, for free!
JANE CHALMERS
Think I know what's up....and who's who; do we know how to reach Mercure?
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Since we're about to enter the paranoia zone, how do we know we can trust him, he seems to appear whenever he's needed, by appointment, yet.
JANE CHALMERS
Don't think he's the enemy; dunno, just have this strong intuition, like he knows which way the wind is going to blow....I trust him, he was onto Genitore way before anyone, including me.
JANE'S ASSISTANT
But you avoided that shoe salesman like the plague.
JANE CHALMERS
Allergic to rats, that doesn't take a.......
(her eyes glaze over)
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Jane, what's wrong?
BODYGUARD
Ms. C.,
(holds earpiece)
Lobby says a young man's on his way up.
JANE CHALMERS
(staring intently at them)
I....knew.......
(snapping out of it)
Young man?
BODYGUARD
ID'd him, name's Harley Quinn, know him?
JANE CHALMERS
From Agatha Christie.
BODYGUARD
Huh?
JANE CHALMERS
Later, show him into the sitting room.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. SITTING ROOM WITH ARTWORK-NIGHT
'Harley' has arrived, just in time; he and Jane are alone; his voice is the same.
HARLEY QUINN
Surprised to see me?
JANE CHALMERS
I would have been not to see you....although, 'you' aren't....yourself.
HARLEY QUINN
A privilege of......
(pretending to catch himself)
Let's just say that I enjoy some of the best doctors, along with certain other masters, available.
JANE CHALMERS
Is there some way you can get me in , do you suppose........ on Mars, or wherever these miracles are performed!
HARLEY QUINN
Surprisingly easy....and, besides, they're closer than you think.
(he offers her a cigar)
JANE CHALMERS
She reacts to the classic phallic symbol with typical Freudian effect.
Cuban, figures, I understand that Castro's healthcare is world class. Tell me, is his beard fake, like yours?
HARLEY QUINN
Ms. Chalmers, Jane.....an old acquaintance of mine said it best: 'Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar', yes?
JANE CHALMERS
(smiles blushing)
HARLEY QUINN
Permit me to suggest, you seem rather piquant for someone who's been through the......ringer.
JANE CHALMERS
Speaking of ringers, who.....what are you, really?
A LARGE PRINT ON THE WALL, FEATURING NONE OTHER THAN MERCURY AS DEPICTED AT OLYMPIA ON A FAMOUS FRIEZE, AS A VIRILE ADOLESCENT ATHLETIC SPECIMEN; THE FACE IS IDENTICAL.
HARLEY QUINN
Now, would your mountainous man servant have allowed us to be alone if you didn't trust me; no, you are upset, but not with me, and rightly so.
He, of course, has noticed her noticing it; it morphs into an ogre's visage instantly; Jane rubs her eyes and does a double take.
JANE CHALMERS
I suppose it's the eerie sensation of staying in her, Diana's suite, the one she and Dodi used that ni......so maybe you're a double agent, with the, you know, Company, or something, like her driver.
HARLEY QUINN
Yes, I quite understand, I myself have known her, always hunting for happiness, a tortured soul, but, perhaps good has come from such a tragedy.
He seeks to distract her from his 'relationship' with the one time Earth-bound goddess.....

You're far too smart for that sort of spy nonsense, at least as to moi; and as for the cigars, a simple matter of commerce, price-----after all, Castro is a lawyer.
JANE CHALMERS
Before I send for my straightjacket tailors, would you please tell me what the Hell is happeni......
(hand on forehead)
HARLEY QUINN
I'm sorry, my dear; I suppose it is rather off-putting, my.....disguised appearance, but you see, they would have spotted the, well, previous model, you see. Besides, we have bigger fish to.....
(cut off)
JANE CHALMERS
Skewer! I am livid, those bastards think they can jettison me, after what I've done.......
(politely interrupted with a mere gesture)
HARLEY QUINN
Take a deep breath, I appreciate the properties of the air, one must fill the lungs, shall we to the balcony?
JUMP CUT TO:
EXT. SPACIOUS BALCONY-NIGHT
She is now strangely becalmed, refreshed.

That's it; Jane, I'm going to be frank: the time for a paradigm shift is, well, long since overdue, not that time is my metiere; simply put, you're the solution, they're the problem, always have been; rhetoritician friend of mine, Greek if I recall, put it best: 'Why does the status quo have a Latin name?'
(polite laughter, body language)
Poor fellow, poisoned.
JANE CHALMERS
See what I mean------what's the latest formula for 'extreme prejudice'?
HARLEY QUINN
(demonstrates hyperventilation)
Ouummm........
JANE CHALMERS
Now you're my guru, great....these are serious people, the manicured mob, for Christ's sake!
HARLEY QUINN
Please, Jane, don't do anything for that superb emergent entity's sake, quite powerful enough without our 'help', believe me; look, I have a plan, a neat little contretemps, and let me assure you, far from there being a Judas in the wings, you have a very good friend in a very high place.
JANE CHALMERS
(assuming he means 'God')
I knew it, she's Jewish!!
HARLEY QUINN
(bemused)
Be serious......
JANE CHALMERS
Oh, you're right.....Herme, I mean his younger gorgeous alter ego, Harley, I'm so damned unrealistic, sitting here with my beautiful guardian angel.....from Jupiter!
(she's losing it)
HARLEY QUINN
(under his breath)
Close, but not another cigar; look, it's the polar opposite of ego....I'm not supposed to do this.......
(he snaps his fingers)
Jane is remarkably composed, poised.
JANE CHALMERS
(as if amnesiac)
How rude of me---- Suzi----- may I offer you a cocktail?
HARLEY QUINN
Oh, no, thank you, you see I'm already too much in the company of coc........I'm just fine, thanks; shall we discuss our upcoming meeting?
JANE CHALMERS
Of course; you're sure about that drink, perhaps some wine? What meeting?
HARLEY QUINN
Well, you're too kind, as they say, 'aqua vitae', 'in vino veritas', yes?
Suzi brings in the wine, stares at him the whole time, almost spilling it.
JANE'S ASSISTANT
You know, I'm the one who made....all...your appointments;
(puzzled at his youthful appearance)
Have you gotten some sun lately, it really does favor you, very much, I must say.
HARLEY QUINN
Thank you; yes, I am out of doors, in Nature, you might say, much of the time.
(regroups)
Jane, may I call you......
JANE CHALMERS
Why, of course, it would seem strange not to, feel I've known you for some time, although Suzi's right, you do look wonderful.
(flirting)
HARLEY QUINN
Yes, well, speaking of time......
He glances at a holographic chronometer, suspended in the room space, incomprehensible for its displays in several languages, ancient and modern, save for one: it registers 'Earth timespan=3 Billion Years, etc., down to the second'; she doesn't see it, the audience does.
tempus fugit, as they say; how would you feel about an audience with the Pope?
JANE CHALMERS
The who?
HARLEY QUINN
Fellow by the name of John Paul.
JANE CHALMERS
Are you kidding, I adore the Beatles, practically grew up with their.....
(laughing)
Thought you said the Pope......
HARLEY QUINN
Day after tomorrow.
JANE CHALMERS
I'm not familiar with that.....is that one of those missing studio takes, because I loved 'Free as a Bird', listened to......
(fingers snap again)
HARLEY QUINN
His Holiness, he's called.
JANE CHALMERS
(newly aware)
Do I have to kiss his ring, cause you know I'm Jewis.........
(freaked for pedestrian reason)
My mother.......
HARLEY QUINN
Don't be concerned, he's really a head of state, you know; and forget about that ring thing, it's not like he's Ringo!
(self-amused)
JANE CHALMERS
Oh, you mean, Ringo would be available?
We hear his fingers snapping, again, as we fade out.
FADE TO BRIGHT WHITE:
INT. SMALLER SUITE OF JULES & JOCKO-NIGHT
They are unaccustomed to luxury, not to mention the necessities and are very confused, concerned.
JOCKO
(sleeping on the floor)
Do you think they will notice?
He motions to the haphazard bundle of blankets and towels tied with a curtain cord on the floor near him.
JULES
Sac du cor, are you crazy? We are big stars, everywhere.........a young girl kissed me, on the lips
(points to it)
Ten times today!
JOCKO
Yes, but when she reads that you are..... 'depraved deviant', in the papers, then, boom, no more girls, towels, all the rest.
JULES
You know you are right......
(pause pouting)
Things are bound to change....we will get kisses from young, beautiful men, eh!
He pounds on Jocko with his down pillow, feathers----a classical sign of heaven/ascension of souls/air-headedness---attributes of the Fool, here in the service of the ultimate Trickster---- flying, both laughing with glee.
FADE OUT.
EXT. TIMES SQUARE MEGASCREEN-DAY
Jane's network is reporting that, due to investigative subpoenas into the Genitore death linked to their programming and credible reports that Jane is a possible material witness, as well as stories about her personal life and affairs, disputes have arisen from her camp over her services---disinformation floated for calculated damage to her credibility----- and Jane Chalmers' show will be shelved for the time being; the others follow suit in favor of 'safer' fare.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. STUDIOS OF RADIO TALK SHOW-DAY
The controversial Springer like host is exploiting the report on an intentionally 'slow' news day.
BOB BANNER
Welcome, America to WYRD, where the only thing that's strange, at least to my opponents, is how very right I am....yes, this is your host, the man they want to ban, Bob Banner; let's go to your calls.......line one, you're on the air!
CALLER ONE
Hi, Bob, I just heard about this Jane person....you just don't know about anyone anymore, do you?
BOB BANNER
Well, let's review what we know: apparently, and this is not confirmed by our crack reporters---yet---but from what we have, from government sources, she's on the radar screen in that shoe magnate's demise; seems he left a note that may implicate her in, get this, some sort of Satanic thing he had gotten blackmailed with! We'll just have to leave it to the prosecutors, they know best with this sort of sad business.
CALLER ONE
I'm sure not watching that junk any more; tell your listeners to ban her!
BOB BANNER
Hey, hey, 'ban-her', that's me, and, we just report, you de-cide! Gotta go to news break, then we'll be taking more of your calls about this and other stories.....
NEWS ANCHOR
Thanks Bob; in international news, the Pope's scheduled mass in New York is now set in stone, barring any health problems, which are unlikely, and security is very tight; according to his doctors, he has exhibited uncanny vitality, with remission of his preexisting maladies----some who have seen him are calling it a, well, miracle ; the faithful are expected to turn out in record numbers for his historic visit to the Apple tomorrow; in other stories.....
CUT TO:
INT. ARGOS WORLD TV HEADQUARTERS NEW YORK-MORNING
The program heads are in conference with the President of the holding company, a reclusive devout Catholic; none of them has ever seen his face, much less met him or even spoken to him; he has decided to personally supervise the coverage of the Papal visit to NYC and suffers no fools. He walks with a limp, using an ornate walking stick, almost shoulder high.
BEHIND HIM WE SEE THE HUNDRED EYES LOGO OF THE NETWORK.
CASPER KLEDON
(quiet rage on face)
Ladies, and gents, please be seated; now, I don't meddle in .....world operations ordinarily, but, as you know, there's nothing ordinary about extant circumstances and events. Now, I want to know just who it was who decided to effectively shut down the 'hundred eyes' of Argos.....at a time of our highest ratings in history, and with His Holiness here tomorrow?
(pregnant pause)
CAMERA SCANS YOUNGER BRIGHT LOOKING FACES, NOW STOICLY TERRIFIED, PUZZLED.
CASPER KLEDON (cont'd)
Who is brave enough to acknowledge that 'I, I gave Argos 100 black eyes'.....eyes that have, until today, never closed somewhere in this world?
HE STANDS, RAISING HIS HAND IN RESPONSE TO HIS OWN QUERY, TO THEIR COLLECTIVE GASP-LIKE GREATER PUZZLEMENT.
CASPER KLEDON (cont'd)
That's right----I plead maxima culpa.
(another well-timed pause)
Who knows their Latin?
A young well-coiffed dynamic woman, darkly beautiful in classical terms, wearing a lovely peacock broach; she's a quite junior executive, raises her hand, seeing him simultaneously reveal a warm smile, out of the wild blue 'yonder', as it were.
CASPER KLEDON (cont'd)
Good for you......please stand, would you, that's right......
Hermes/Kledon is playing it to the hilt, as he has always admired the art of fencing, from afar, of course...preparing the way for the 'coup de grace', having played out his impetinata like some Greek tragedy.
CASPER KLEDON (cont'd)
Good for you....and, as for the rest of you, school is in----as in new school of thought.
(turns to her)
Tell me, Ms.......
TALIA HERAS
Heras.....Talia Heras, Mr. Kledon.
CASPER KLEDON
Yes, Ms. Heras.....why does the status quo have a Latin name?
Most still wonder at his sanity, his rationality, silently.
TALIA HERAS
Well, it's been......around for quite a while, I suppose.
Laughter of the 'glad it's not me making a fool of myself' egoistic variety, the 'old school's last gasp.
CASPER KLEDON
(taking the wind from their sails)
She's bloody well.....right! And has it ever been bloody, needlessly, so, as the once macho fighter cried, 'No Mas!' Sanguinity, the word for blood, now morphs to sanguine----optimism, about our future, our collective future. No more car chases, no more blow-dried pandering to the lowest common denominator-------we're going to be Fools!
Even his near peers in senior posts are speechless, and they have run the show for years, without interference; they literally don't recognize him, nor does he seem to, them.
CASPER KLEDON (cont'd)
Ms. Heras, tell us about this curiously paradoxical term.....
TALIA HERAS
(inspired, getting it)
'Follis', from the.....Latin, meaning 'bellows', as in blowing, breathing on, windbag----in-spiring, literally, providing fresh air!
CASPER KLEDON
Thank you, splendidly done, read my mind! Please, come sit here.
Motions for her to be at his left hand; a blow-dried person vacates, quickly.
CASPER KLEDON (cont'd)
That's 'follis', gentlemen, all, not its scatological phonetic sound alike.....
(impish smirk)
Although, make what you will of he 'bag' imagery........this woman's certainly got one!

Fresh air, for the forge....fire in the belly of life, the soul. Now, I'm not growing younger, at least out here.....
(points to corpus)
Don't have life to waste----so, what say let's, all us Fools, do our real jobs, in a way that makes us proud to be here.
He waves arms surveying outside to the blue sky through the panoramic windowed penthouse of Olympic Tower. He rises to enthusiastic applause, and faces not so much relieved as 'in-spired'.
WE SEE A PUCKISH GLEEM IN 'HIS' EYE AS HE MORPHS INTO ALL THREE OF HIS ROLES FOR THE CAMERA ALONE.
FADE TO BRIGHT WHITE:
EXT. CANOPIED PORCH-LIKE STRUCTURE AT UN PARK-DAY
It is a brilliantly sunlit day; the Pope approaches the podium, stooped as of old, seemingly frail, unwell. Suddenly, as his aides appear to prop him up, he stands erect, smiling, wearing a red clown nose.
POPE JOHN PAUL II
My American family, my friend Rabbi Mason has urged me to open....with a joke.....
(adoring laughter, relief)
So I have decided to employ a universal symbol for such a purpose, thanks to the lovely Ms. Chalmers. Red nose, feet of clay, yes?
(lifts one foot, baring ankle)
JANE IS SEEN IN THE ORDINARY CROWD, SMILING THROUGH TEARS; THE PEOPLE AROUND HER HAVE NOT JOSTLED HER, NOR HAS THE PRESS, THANKS TO THE POPE'S SUDDEN IN-SPIRATION TO CIVILITY.
POPE JOHN PAUL II (cont'd)
As I stand here, I sense that a threshhold can be crossed, has been, I pray; for far too long we have worn a far different sort of mask, a mask that keeps hidden the truth, patiently knowing, at the heart of what makes us smile in our spirits, giving the lie to that self-same soul we all possess, an undivided portion from the Heavens; and, so, I hope to return to you---I should say, return you to it-----, all of you in this world, so-called great and small, that eternal gift which you have always possessed but, sadly, overlooked in the midst of redundant days, a blurred continuum of uniform time that flys away....most of those precious days ever seeming as simply unique or memorable as the butterfly which has but one.
And yet, the butterfly, in its brief time, may, science now tells us, bring on the power of a hurricane!
Great cheering and applause, with many tears of joyous knowing, now awakened.
POPE JOHN PAUL II (cont'd)
You, my many reflections, and I, as well, must reflect back to the world and the Heavens in such a way that it is your eternal spirit, here among us, within you, feel it, which does possess you.....and, then, we shall have His Peace!
Music up, Tony Bennett's 'If I Ruled the World', fading softly to voice over background.
He moves away to step out and greet the people, no Popemobile, but an amazingly civil line has formed to greet him; the police are dumbfounded, also standing patiently on line.
SLOW PULL BACK SHOT, SHOWING THIS, CUTTING TO A BUS DRIVING SLOWLY BY, WITH A BANNER AD READING: '....WITH YOUR CLAY FEET IN OUR ACHILLES HEELS, YOU'LL BE HIS GREATEST WEAKNESS......'; A PICTURE OF HARLEY QUINN BEAMING EROTICALLY AT THE SLEEK FOOT/SHOE IS SEEN.
CUT TO VOICE OVER:
MEGASCREEN IN TIMES SQUARE IS SCROLLING STORY AS IT IS READ.
EXT. TIMES SQUARE MEGASCREEN OF ORDERLY CROWD WITH POPE AT U.N. PARK-DAY
NEWS ANCHOR O.S.
A breaking story from Rome, the Vatican; in a candid statement from the Holy See's official spokesperson, a certain official has been dismissed and referred to punitive authorities; in the announcement, where questions were taken, reference was made to the Michel Sindona affair some years ago, concerning wrongdoing at the Papal bank as a comparable situation.......

Music up, segue into Ringo Starr's 'With a Little Help from My Friends'.......then other Beatles' snippets.




















(CONT'D)







(CONT'D)

INT. FEDERAL COURTROOM MANHATTAN - DAY

Scene opens with end of major felony trial in NYC Federal Court; defendant is notorious International Public Enemy Type Red Mafiya gangster Ivan Atrovsky; they are awaiting the jury verdict......
DEFENSE COUNSEL
has just left courtroom to attend the men's room and is approached by lead Prosecutor Angela Fassbach, star testosterone wannabe bitch of the office, man-hater, all-around egoist from hell

Kind of in a hurry, got a call from Mom Nature...
PROSECUTOR
Don't bother; what I have to say may just moot out your efforts to avoid shitting/pissing your pants: Look, the Attorney General and I had an interesting talk about your bullshit tactics in this case; now, you may have skated past the Judge on this one, but I'm sure you've heard of the National Security Court, lead-lined walls, secret indictments, ringing any bells?
DEFENSE COUNSEL
Are you seriously threatening me with that crap you use on mid-level career types buried deep in the bowels of the Beast you work for; because if you are, my bowels've got an answer for you....
(he walks away to the head)
PROSECUTOR
Hey, don't believe me; but when you start calling that stall your office, we may have another chat on current and future affairs, as in those you'll be having with some other potential clients in some government housing I have in mind.
(she reenters Courtroom)
Bailiff asks for defense counsel table to find all counsel, as Judge has heard from jury foreman
BAILIFF
All rise!
JUDGE
Very well, are all counsel and defendants present?
DEFENSE COUNSEL
Yes, your honor, although I don't see Ms. Fassbach.
JUDGE
Her deputy is here; she has informed the Court that she has been called to Washington by the Atty General; let's proceed. Has the jury reached a verdict?
FOREPERSON
Yes, your Honor; the jury finds the defendants Ivan Atrovsky, Anatole Kasspar and Grigori Skinski ........Not guilty as charged on all 17 counts, the Government having failed to meet its burden of proof; so say we all.
(usual uproar, despite Judge's gavel )
JUDGE
Counsel, your clients are free to go; Court adjourned.
[CUT TO LA, NEXT SCENE......SIX MONTHS LATER]
Ultra-Luxury Automobile & Concierge Boutique Dealership, LA; "Swanson" ,our former NY criminal defense lawyer whose real name is Mike Lowenstein has gone into an informal federal protection program at the STRONG urging of the Feds, who may want him as a future witness against his former clients.
SERGIO
All right, now you are about to undergo oral examination for your PHDs, as in Philosophy of this Dealership: we are not sales staff, we are Accoutrement Attaches and our task, if we decide to accept you, is to make real that which is desired in automotive and other excess; gentlemen, and lady, we, the select, will enable the Select to select their metallic fantasy of themselves in motion. Very well

ON THE SCREEN YOU SEE A NEW CLIENT DEPICTED IS A YOUNG FEMALE MODEL, ACCOMPANIED BY AN OLDER ESCORT

-----he may be her father, lover, agent, brother, you don't know; Smyther, they are yours.......
SMIKE SWANSON
How ya doon, ahh, molta bella, aren't you one of the Solid Gold dancers?? Signore, how may I serve you? I already know that what you wish is not to be found on a showroom floor, on display for anyone and everyone. Am I correct? Good; now, shall we commission our automotive artists to create Your kinetic sculpture......
SERGIO
What the hell are you doing? Is this some Vegas stand-up act or your attempt at perfect failure?
SMIKE SWANSON
Begging your pardon, but that is Carmine Rizzoli and his companion is Jill Jasperson, supermodel; he has just purchased the Simpson place for her and is about to present her with a one of a kind Masserati, this he has made known to certain intimate sources with whom I am acquainted-----but such information you could not have had. They will be instantly recognizable to you once you have seen my autographed papperazi collection with certain personages of Hollywood and the world.
SERGIO
(Calling downstairs to his staff)
Caroline, did you assemble the slides for our little meeting here? Yes, could you come upstairs, please.
(Knock at the door )
CAROLINE
You called?
SERGIO
Aren't these the random stereotype photos we got from the wallet and frame manufacturer next door?
CAROLINE
No, sir; this is the celebrity wheel that the ownership put together for promotional purposes, I must have gotten them mixed up.
SERGIO
Fine; thanks, you may go.
(turning to SS)
Let's see how you handle this next one....
(He clicks the prompter and Frank Sinatra comes up with his daughter Nancy)
SMIKE SWANSON
Well, those boots are made for walking.....and, uh,well, he isn't.
[Laughter from other two classmates]
SERGIO
We're going to take a recess, kids; be back in an hour.
CUT TO MOMENTS LATER:
Sergio's office; SS is seated across from him, looking at a young woman's photo behind Sergio
SERGIO (CONT'D)
I suppose you know what she drives, mmm?
SMIKE SWANSON
Well, now that you ask, I would say something domestic, high-end, but domestic; silver metallic, isn't it?
SERGIO
( Shocked at this uncanny guesswork about his girlfriend's car)
It happens to be a BMW!
SMIKE SWANSON
Oh, the German company out in South Carolina? I think they're made there now, started up a year before your friend's was created there, as I recall.
SERGIO
OK, truce, my well-informed psychic freak. Look, I don't know how you managed that celebrity bingo trick today, but let's just hope you keep it up and we'll all make serious money.
SMIKE SWANSON
Deal; hey, no hard feelings, right? Look, come by my place this weekend and I'll show you some of my secrets.
CUT TO FLASHBACK:
EXT. OUTDOOR MOVIE SET NIAGRA FALLS - DAY

Flashback to 1957:" Smike" Lowenstein, age 10
MRS. LOWENSTEIN
Look, dear; it's that beautiful movie star from the black and white film we watched last week on television, remember?
MIKE LOWENSTEIN
Wow, mommy, gonna get her autograph!
(he runs off in her direction)
MOVIE GODDESS
(she notices a little boy tugging on her dress)
Well, hello there, and what's your name?
MIKE LOWENSTEIN
ItSmike! Couldya...uh.....sign your name.........
(he has a bit of a speech slur due to nervousness)
MOVIE GODDESS
(she sends an aide to get an 8x10)
There we are, "To Smike, best wishes, Ava Gardner"---how's that?
(she adds the crowning touch by kissing the photo, leaving a lipstick imprint)
MIKE LOWENSTEIN
Gee whiz, th...thanks!
(running to his mom)
Look what I got!
MRS. LOWENSTEIN
Well, now, isn't that lovely of her...
(she notices the misspelled name, but ignores it for his sake)
We're going to have to frame this and put it up in the living room!
CUT TO:
later that year, Little Smike---the nickname stuck, due to its magical source---- is listening to an Elvis LP, holding the album jacket in his hands; he is alone in his room; he picks up a ballpoint pen and starts writing......
NARRATOR (V.O.)

"To Smike, keep on rockin' n rollin', Your Pal Elvis P....."
His heart was pounding; he had seen a toy guitar recently with a really hokey ELVIS fake signature on it------everybody knew it wasn't real, but they liked it with the fake E L V I S on it anyway; his looked REAL!




He was hooked; how many people, especially kids, had ever seen Elvis' signature anyway! It was all a matter of credibility and perception, even with the so-called "authenticated" big-ticket baseballs and anything else a celebrity could or would sign, including long-dead persons like Abe Lincoln; I mean, anyone can research the "actual" signature and do a great copy, right down to the ink, paper, etc. Remember the Hitler Diaries, they're still debating that thing.

No, even experts disagreed, you never had unanimity. Sure he knew this as a lawyer later in life, but little Smike instinctively knew this as a kid, in his intuition-powered gut----yes, he had the makings of an expert forger, although that he didn't or wouldn't forsee. What he did know was that this would get him lots of admirers, especially girls.....
Only they were actually allowed to hold the autographed album in their hands; guys might soil it.
By the time he was in college, he had boxes full of albums, hard to find photos , including a Rat Pack Oceans 11 publicity shot with all the gang's signatures, dedicated to Smike, of course. It wasn't as if he was selling them or otherwise committing real fraud; no, just spreading joy and wonder wherever he put on his one man show, including the girls dorm......
CUT TO FLASHBACK IN COED DORM:
In such a dorm room with an attractive redhead named....he was terrible with names, other than celebrities, that is......he was deep into his rap

SMIKE LOWENSTEIN
Yeah, me and two other friends of mine were roadies for the Buckinghams on their first summer tour; it was incredible----one of our jobs was to screen the groupies, you know, only 10s got through.....You would have made it, no problem. And this one
( he pulls a photo of Paul Revere and the Raiders out of his portfolio case-----he got it from a photography job he really worked that summer------)
"The British are coming for you, man; thanks for being so cool, Paul , et.al." Hey I've been lucky, that's all.
Redhead is moving toward him on the bed, obviously intending to get intimate
FADE OUT.
INT. SMIKE'S CONDO - EVENING

Back to the present, Smike is showing part of his collection to Sergio and his lady friend: Sergio is especially impressed with the Sinatra "collection"
SERGIO
Where did you come by this one?
It is the Rat Pack shot he got from a nostalgia shop years ago, of course, sans the personal touches
SMIKE SWANSON
I'm glad you asked; my dad was a theatre manager at the Paramount in NY and, well, he had pull with the distributor execs-----got em all to Hancock it for me.
SERGIO
You know, these are real selling tools: these two have got to come to the office, trust me on this.
SMIKE SWANSON
Hey, you're the boss; anything for the cause.
SERGIO
(His girl pulls a bottle of champagne from her oversized purse)

This could be the start of a beautiful friendship; let's drink on it.
SMIKE SWANSON
That reminds me, got Bogie and Rains here somewhere....
CUT TO:
INT. SCHULTZ LUXURY BOUTIQUE/DEALERSHIP - DAY

Monday morning at the dealership; Swanson is poised for his first big transaction; a dour looking man with a double chin and waist to match is sitting in Swanson's office, doing the paper work on a nice Maserati sedan he has just ordered----it's for an "associate", a surprise....he notices the conspicuously displayed photo on the wall of Blue Eyes
MARIO CONSTANZA
Jeez, is dat Frank?
SMIKE SWANSON
Ole Blue Eyes himself; very proud of that one.
MARIO CONSTANZA
You got udders?
SMIKE SWANSON
A few; my dad was kinda in the entertainment field, and he had connections.
MARIO CONSTANZA
He was 'connected'?
SMIKE SWANSON
Well, you might say that; I wasn't actually there when he got the photo signed, but my father sure was; he loved Sinatra.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Who don't; you think I could see the others some time, maybe when I pick up the car?
SMIKE SWANSON
No problem; it's a date. Well, this is all wrapped up, is there anything else I may do to fulfill your needs Mr. Constanza?
MARIO CONSTANZA
Maybe, not today though; gotta meetin in a few minutes; we'll be in touch.
SMIKE SWANSON
Pleasure servicing your needs, sir.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Yeah, but will you respect me in the morning.......HAAAAAAAAA!
(Nervous laughter from SS and the others nearby)
FADE IN:

scene opens six weeks later; Swanson has been setting sales records at the boutique, and his love life has picked up; he is having a romantic dinner at Spago with a lovely woman he met at the swanky dry cleaners near his office; she is a striking person, 30ish, a graduate student in psychology at UCLA evenings and a single mom; she had commented on his interesting wardrobe having speculated that he was in show business----thus began a coup de foudra
ISIS VISCAYA
Smyther, you haven't had much to say; que pasa, senor?
SMIKE SWANSON
Sorry; it's just been such a new life for me, maybe just LALA fever.
ISIS VISCAYA
Cute, I may use that one in my psych thesis: undiagnosable syndrome, featuring acute girlfriend......Ha, Ha.......with accompanying speech retardation and undifferentiated lust.
SMIKE SWANSON
Now there's an emotion I can get my arms around. You know, this is the suit that got this complex system we call "us" started.
ISIS VISCAYA
Versace never looked so good; seriously, you seem troubled, the Ph.D. to be is in, baby.
SMIKE SWANSON
I may never get well, if I can afford you. Hey, my former life was so different: yeah, the criminal law taught me to be the actor I need to be, but the people I deal with are either more subtle or I am more naïve than I feared.
ISIS VISCAYA
Counselor, you can lean on me.
SMIKE SWANSON
You're very easy to be with----my highest compliment. I've told you about the divorce, how it nuked me and my world; I had to reinvent myself to the point of Patent Pending, for Christ's sake. You don't actually see that stamped on my forehead, do you, they promised me at the cloning factory that I'd be a new man.
ISIS VISCAYA
I know I'm a new woman; look, let it go: did you know that the Greek root of the word forgiveness means letting go. That was then, this is now. The important thing is to be present in the now, feel your mind's awareness of your breathing, your heartbeat.
SMIKE SWANSON
Wow, you may owe royalties to Kenny Loggins for that one, reminds me of something you don't know about, my heart condition---the one you just diagnosed, not to mention created. Better get the check..
(smiling)
Later at his condo, in bed, post coitus
SMIKE SWANSON (CONT'D)
You know my autograph cachet? People get so turned on by it----I suppose that's why I started it as a kid. It started innocently enough, a way to be special, but it seems that it has defined my life. It's wild, I became a lawyer to stay out of Nam, but this hobby sort of took over. Weird; that make me a groupie?
ISIS VISCAYA
No, that's my job. Really, as long as it makes you happy, not loco, what's the harm is hero-worship, I mean it's not like worshipping El Diablo.
SMIKE SWANSON
Depends on whose Bible you read;
I'm glad you feel that way, because, well, 'Glad to meet you, hope you guessed my name........'
they embrace and make love again, with the Stones tune blaring.....
FADE OUT.
INT. OCCIDENTAL ITALIAN MOB SOCIAL CLUB - DAY

The scene opens on The Occidental Familia Social Club, where we find Mr. Mario Constanza in company with certain of his confreres, sorting out the details of the "homecoming" of their soon-to-be freed Boss of the Rapienza Family of California, Nevada and related territories.....; Sinatra tune, 'Come Fly with me' is playing in background
MARIO CONSTANZA
So, what yous is telling me, I gotta pick im up; look, I can't keep my trap shut and we're planning a fuckin surprise-----get outta here; here's the way it's gonna happen: Lou, you an Angelo are pickin up the Boss, cabish? Yous know how he freaks out over Sinatra and all that jazz. I got the car, but I also got some mementos, possibly for his collection, that will help to cheer him up after 5 in stir. Have I made my intenshuns crystal clear, or what? OK, then, noboby says a goddam woid about what I got planned. Any questions?
ANGELO MASTROANI
What if he ast me, ya no, about what's up, why ain't you, his second, there?
MARIO CONSTANZA
Ya tell him the troot: I got a surprise for him dat I didn't want to blow; hey, it's not like he's fuckin packin heat or nuttin, right? HAAAHAAAAAA! Sore ite, got it?
LOUIE D'BENZA
So, we play it cool, biz as usual, nothing special, just another day in gangsta paradise, huh?
MARIO CONSTANZA
Hey Lou, would it kill you to keep up on current events; read a fuckin paper, magazine, whatever, the Feds are gonna be watchin us, so low key is the.....key, right?! Now, whazon the agenda further; oh, yeah, hey, Matty, what ya got on this fuckin Swanson for me?
MATTY MAZONE
Here's the deal: felony prosecutor in Brooklyn for ten years, then flips to de udder side, reppin small timers mostly, but our guys are telling me that he got some bigdeal Commie fuckhead off a serious drug rap.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Gimme names, dates; I wanna know about his old man, how he's supposed to know Frank, everything, got it?
MATTY MAZONE
Goin out to Miami Beach, meetin wit a retired Underboss of the Fabergente crew who may know what's what, who's who.
Mr. C leaves the building; Lou D. sits down with Matty
LOUIE D'BENZA
Ain't it with an "m"?
MATTY MAZONE
What the fuck, what is with an "m"?
LOUIE D'BENZA
Who.
MATTY MAZONE
That's what um askin you!
LOUIE D'BENZA
Ya know,"Who's who."
MATTY MAZONE
You wanna get shot. What are you sayin, you whop you.
LOUIE D'BENZA
No, it ain't "what", it's "who" that might be the problem -----that's all I'm sayin, no big deal, Christ.
MATTY MAZONE
I'll tell ya who the fuck is who, and what is what: I ain't no Lou Costello, you ain't no Abbott, and who ain't on first, who is on last, as in how many chances you got to shut the fuck up!
LOUIE D'BENZA
Hey, um done; go ahead, to each is owen; ignore good English, whom am I to tell yous.
CUT TO:
INT. ART DECO HOTEL ON SOUTH BEACH - DAY

scene opens with Matty pushing the intercom in the vestibule of Anthony Visconte's art deco hotel building on Collins Ave, South Beach; the 80 year old "honorary don" of the Fabergente familia lives there with his cat Cleopatra, and has been there, done that, the dean.......
MATTY MAZONE
(responding to a loud 'Hello dere')
Don Visconte, it's Matty Mazone from LA.
[Buzzer sounds]
ANTHONY VISCONTE
Welcome, come in; join me on the terrace, you never know, you know?
MATTY MAZONE
Thank you so much for seein me on short notice; I bring salutations from Don Constanza hisself, and a small gift as a token of his respect
(Matty hands the old man a stolen Rolex, limited edition.)
ANTHONY VISCONTE
He has mine; tank him for me, although time ain't no friend of mine any more.
MATTY MAZONE
Yeah, but the Don told me to tell you that it is a good charm cause it only looks ahead to the future and as long as you got it on it reminds you that you got one. Ain't dat poetry?
ANTHONY VISCONTE
A beaut-e-ful thought, that is; please sit, sit.
he clicks on opera music as a reflexive cover against bugs, not knowing the Feds don't even know he is alive, which, of course, is one of the reasons he still is....
MATTY MAZONE
This is some set up ya got here; any of your old pals around?
ANTHONY VISCONTE
Nah, all we got here are Spics an goddam Russians claimin to be Jew refugees; it's something, the Israelis said no to Meyer but these fuckin clowns get Passports by the boxload; they ain't stupid, gives em protection from extradition if things go south.
MATTY MAZONE
I heard they're real whack jobs, they'll shoot ya just to see if their fuckin gun works!
ANTHONY VISCONTE
Well, let's just say that they lack finesse; we never woulda tried to pull some of the shit they do for kicks.
MATTY MAZONE
Don Visconte, I may need some dope on one of their top guys and also some new boy out in LA, an ex-New York attorney name of Smyther Swanson who may have repped him on a drug indictment a few years back.
ANTHONY VISCONTE
And they talk about our names: that's a WASP with a ten foot stinger! Sounds fake to me, as in undercover type shit.
MATTY MAZONE
You ain't kiddin, sounds phony to me; so this former mouthpiece, about 50ish is sellin------get this, they call it 'accoutermint acqwezishin attacheez'------top end cars, and who knows what all else, real hard to find shit-----to the bigspenders of the international set in LA. So, Mr. C. is there purchasing a welcome back gift for you know who and sees this picture of Sinatra with a personal dedication to this schmuck Swanson in his office; asks him how he got it and boom guy says his old man was 'connected'.
ANTHONY VISCONTE
What more did he say about his old man?
MATTY MAZONE
Worked at the Paramount Theatre as manager, whatever, and knew all the Hollywood execs of the day, that sort of bullshit.
ANTHONY VISCONTE
You know how they say old farts like me got total recall for all the early memories; it's the troot, and um telling you now for a fact that ain't no clown by that name ever run that spot. Used to be a bigtime venue, hell Frank did his early croonin there, the Skinny Guineau they called him. You had it right: it's bullshit. Guy by the name of Fred Allison or close to it was the manager there in the 40's and 50's. I know cause we ran him: you know, got him girls, all kinds of shit off the truck in exchange for no tab and accesss to backstage, plus a few concessions, ya know, nothing big. As far as your gold-plated liar goes, I guess he doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut; imagine his Russki client might be interested, if you need leverage.
MATTY MAZONE
Holy shit; can you find out if the guy's usin a fake name and who his commie client was; I mean I can get into the court records, but without names it could get me government attention-----for all we know, this guy is some kinda deep cover schmuck and the files are sealed or something.
ANTHONY VISCONTE
Sure, give me a few days and I'll have all that; matter of fact, let's go to dinner at a Russian spot I know. They give me respect.............................. along wit lots of information; they admire the way we used to do things, sorta like mythology for them.
(They head out)
FADE OUT.
INT. BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP IN LA - DAY

scene opens on Sergio and the owner of the boutique company in LA; the owner, a young dot com whiz who bought the operation after having been a very happy client, Tad Schultz, founder of comE.com----pronounced "commie", very prophetic------- which he sold to AOL for a mint
TAD SCHULTZ
Look, the Times wants to do a big story on us and I told the editor OK; so let's get this place looking its best; also, tell wonderboy that I want him to bring in some more pix from his collection-----tell him we'll insure them bigtime, no worries, all right. When is he back from New York?
SERGIO
In a week; the funeral is tomorrow and then he's staying for a long weekend, taking care of family business. I'll get him on the cell, if you like.
TAD SCHULTZ
No, let's respect his privacy at a time like this. I'll schedule the interviews and photography for a month from now to allow for plenty of prep time; anything else, gotta get up to Napa for some face time with my vintners.
SERGIO
One more thing, you remember, what do I tell all these cash customers we'll be doing?
TAD SCHULTZ
My guy is former Treasury in D.C. and is faxing me a legal opinion on a loophole his firm has found----actually it seems he created it for future reference
( big grin)
-----buried in the regulations; once we get it in, no sweat on the reporting issue. Hey, what's that rap song lyric : "The creed is greed." I'm outa here. Ciaio Serge.
CUT TO:
INT. FUNERAL PROCESSION LIMOUSINE - DAY

scene opens with SS sitting in the back of a limo, proceeding to his mother's funeral; the motorcade is headed for the Jewish cemetery in Queens; he is being watched, at a comfortable distance, by certain people at the request of Anthony Visconte........
FIRST THUG
What's he doin here if he ain't a Hebe?
SECOND THUG
Look.
What they see is SS placing a stone on his father's headstone, adjacent to his mother's freshly dug grave; the name and date are duly noted
FIRST THUG
Bingo; somethin tells me this prick was not, whadaya call, adopted, ya know; let's get outta here.
SMIKE SWANSON
Rest in peace, ma.
(He throws the first shovelful of dirt on her coffin)
PETER MCADOO
Smike, I heard and had to come out; you got a minute, or can you call me-----how long you in town?
SMIKE SWANSON
Thanks, Pete; this is a pleasant surprise. I want to get things wrapped up here by early next week. Look, I could use the company, let's get a drink.
PETER MCADOO
Hey, we're the Jews with booze; let the limo guy go, we'll take my car.
CUT TO MOMENTS LATER:
INT. DIMLY LIT UPSCALE BAR BOOTH - DAY
at an old watering hole near the Javits Federal Bldg.
PETER MCADOO
Hey, you sure it's ok to talk shop, you're in mourning, for Chrissake.
SMIKE SWANSON
Be a good change of subject; she had a good life, no complaints.
PETER MCADOO
The word I'm getting is that Vladimir, aka several other monikers, may be in need of your services again. Remember 'The French Connection'?
SMIKE SWANSON
Well, everything old is new again.
PETER MCADOO
Exactly, and guess who's in the loop? Teddy Schultz, your goddam boss.
SMIKE SWANSON
No; hey you guys promised me that the witness protection setup was sweet, and impervious to this kind of shit.
PETER MCADOO
Ever hear of dumb luck; you're that "lucky."
SMIKE SWANSON
You have got to be shitting me; I go deep to get away from the Russkis and their sense of "blood brotherhood" and you tell me that by coincidence it's reunion time; shit I should have lost the case.
PETER MCADOO
No, we wouldn't be having this conversation if that had come down; fact is, legal ethics fucked you on this one.
SMIKE SWANSON
Oh, so zealous repping is not good for my health, that it?
PETER MCADOO
Not when it comes to the Red Mafiya, it would seem.
SMIKE SWANSON
So what the fuck do I do, go to the Italians?
PETER MCADOO
From what I saw they're already in your life; give it a shot, pardon the expression.
SMIKE SWANSON
Jesus, the Sinatra freak------Christ!
PETER MCADOO
Look, they don't like the Reds, you got that goin for you; they see them as somehow déclassé, ok, without loyalty to anything or anyone. You have got to play it cool, and I needed to warn you just so you don't go into a fuckin seizure when you see us coming.

Here's the setup: Taddy boy is playing it loose and thinks he has his ass covered on the cash transactions he is doing with some schmuck lawyer, from the last Administration, who thinks he pulled a smooth scam when he was at Treasury's money laundering unit, thought he hid it in the regs; we have been watching him, and his Russian mistress, for some time.
SMIKE SWANSON
Slow it down, man; are you telling me that our customers are helping the Russkis bring in their dope in the cars!
PETER MCADOO
Yeah,dope, diamonds, artwork stolen from the Hermitage, but not all your customers are in on it; look, the guy you sold the Maserati......
SMIKE SWANSON
I am dead, compliments of Sammy.
PETER MCADOO
Stop panicking; this couldn't have worked out better, as it happens; these clowns are going to take each other down if we play this thing right. Now, here's the plan....
FADE OUT.:
INT. SMIKE'S CONDO - EVENING

SS IS back in LA, sitting in his spacious condo in the Hills with Isis......it is a week later
ISIS VISCAYA
Baby, you seem tense; I am sorry about your mother, but she had a long life; what is it?
SMIKE SWANSON
It's not that, it's that autograph collection thing I told you about------you know the head of the Department at UCLA Medical , right?
ISIS VISCAYA
You need a shrink? Promise me it's nothing Freudian----I don't remind you of your mother, do I?
SMIKE SWANSON
Hey I've been called a lot of things, including that, but it's not true.
ISIS VISCAYA
Well that's a relief; what are your feelings about incest----a sistah needs ta know-----just kidding; hey, I'll get you in with Dr. Rotweiner early next week, ok?
SMIKE SWANSON
Thanks; listen, with a name like that I hope he doesn't handle impotency cases----or maybe he creates them, just what I need.
ISIS VISCAYA
Not to worry about that problem, got the antidote; in the meantime, you wanna talk about it?

(CONT'D)
SMIKE SWANSON (O.S.)
SHOW MONTAGE OF PAPPARAZZI & AUTOGRAPH HOUNDS OF PROMINENT STARS FROM ALL ERAS.
Sure. Ever since I was a kid, when I saw my first celebrity and actually was able to approach her, I've been fascinated by the whole idea of fame, how a piece of paper is like a piece of that fame, a remnant that only you possess-----the star doesn't even have it anymore, it's yours alone. And the way people respond to it and to you because you have it. It's a kind of power that even the person who signed it doesn't enjoy: all they can do is give away pieces of themselves over and over, and when it's done they have almost less than nothing left. I never really thought about it that way before, but it's as if you have preserved a semi-private moment of their life in yours, but not the other way around. What do they get that lasts----- nothing really.
ISIS VISCAYA
Whoa; you're scaring me. Isn't that the way stalkers think?
SMIKE SWANSON
That's just it, they are "stalking" you, really, defining who others think you are, confusing the "who" of even you to yourself. I mean, what do you really think of these creeps who collect almost anything, anything: bubble gum wrappers, shoes, dead animals, stuffed animals, who knows, shrunken heads, even petrified shit, for all I know, depending on the issuing ass!
ISIS VISCAYA
Mr. Swanson, I'm afraid we're out of time for this session, thank God. I have to run, sitter's waiting. I'll call you when I get home---get some rest, the Doc is great, you'll see.
(They kiss and he walks her to the door)
SMIKE SWANSON
Listen, before you leave would you do something very intimate for me?

(pregnant pause for double entendre to take effect)

Would you let me have your autograph.
ISIS VISCAYA
Hey, I don't qualify, remember; besides, do it yourself, right?
SMIKE SWANSON
That hurts, especially right after our session...Who knows, maybe some day, and I can say I got it before you were famous?
ISIS VISCAYA
I 'll have Dr. Rotweiner order some shock therapy for that one.
CUT TO:
EXT. THEN INT. OF DOCKS/WAREHOUSE VENICE ITALY - DAY
next scene opens at the docks in Venice, Italy, where the custom Venetian glass sunroof, among other things, has been installed; a special Maserati is being "prepared" for transshipment to Los Angeles.....; shipping company offices at the pier----SPEAKING IN ITALIAN
FRONTMAN FOR RED MAFIYA
The manifest shows no buyer's name; what do we do?
FRONTMAN #2
Hey, I don't give a shit; that's their problem at the other end. Our deal is we customize every special order car that goes to Shultz in LA. The names are phonies anyway.
F1
I guess you're right. Anyway, they're too busy fuckin with Mexicans and Colombians to worry about some old technique, right?
F2
I don't know nothing; I do custom work so that fatass Jewboys in America can get laid----now what's that hurt except maybe good taste!
F1
Hey, Gino, why the fuck we do this for these greaseballs, anyway; it's our ass if we get caught.
F2
Because, paisano, they pay more than the Italians; ten more cars and we're out.
F1
What are you gonna do with your money, 'Cesco?
F2
Whaddya think, I'm goin to move to America and order custom cars for my rich asshole customers! HaaaaHaaaaaaHaaaa!
F1
Yeah, especially the bitches: all you gotta say is "Fine Italian....Anything, they fucking buy it.
F2
(Laughing)
That's right; maybe we could do that with our cocks?
F1
Hey, get outta here, I got my principles; I'm not selling my birthright----only renting it! HaaaaaHaaaaaaHaaaaaaa........
F2
Quiet; here comes that fucking communist bastard, Dimitri to check on his cargo packing. Remember, there's no problem with the paperwork, otherwise they fuck us up on our money.
F1
Speaking to Dimitri who has entered the offices with two sunglass-wearing mountains, looking Corsican or something

Everything going ok, boys? No problems?
DIMITRI
No, why, should we expect any? Everybody's been paid, so why problems?
F1
I don't know, just been hearing rumors about the fucking FBI and Interpol doing some checking lately.
DIMITRI
Ha! Those assholes have fucking Moscow office and they're worse than goddam Clouseau. The Americans are idiots and soft; you know most of their agents have never even killed a man? Fucking pussies. We got a cosmonaut on the payroll; guy says that the Astronauts cry sometimes in space, you believe that shit? All sad for America: fuck America, we've already bought the parts we want, including their goddam President Bush, the one married to his fuckin mother.
F2
How the hell do you buy a CIA Director?
DIMITRI
With campaign cash, that's how, and he even throws in his bank regulators for good measure. Anyway, we're out of here, gonna go fuck some Italian women for warm ups.
F2
Hey I hope you practice safe sex, they can really want to do all sorts of shit.
DIMITRI
Yeah, no problem: we tie them up!HaaaaHaaaaHaaaa
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. OCCIDENTAL ITALIAN MOB SOCIAL CLUB - DAY

Scene opens at the Occidental Social Club; Mr. Constanza and some of the crew are getting briefed on SS......
THUG 1
Mr. C, you ain't gonna believe this shit: our boy is a Hebe......
THUG 2
......he coulda been adopted ya know, I mean it's not like we caught him wearin one of those Pope hats or nothing.....
THUG 1
Um talking here!
MARIO CONSTANZA
Shut up; where's Matty?
( Just then, Matty saunters in the back door)
OK, yous two go get arrested or something, alright, that is if you know how!
The two young/dumb thugs are walking out, arguing amongst themselves that they thought the idea was NOT to get arrested..........
MATTY MAZONE
Sorry boss, they piss you off? Fuckin evolution, ya know, it makes each generation weaker, less adept-------they're my sister's kids, what could I do.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Fuggedabowdit; lookit, those two bozos telling me straight----he ain't who he seems to be?
MATTY MAZONE
Geez, I had a whole organized report all ready-----guy's a former Jew lawyer with the Feds; word is they're usin him on a sting or something like at against his former clients when he flipped to the other side; Feds got pissed, threatened him with all kindsa shit about national security oath, blah, blah, blah, he says ok......
MARIO CONSTANZA
Whoa, whoa; your telling me that we're dancing wit the fuckin Devil and all we done was engage in a little legit commerce in honor of our boss; America ain't America, that's all I gotta say. We save their fuckin asses in WWII and keep the Nazi cocksuckers off the docks and outta da sabotage biz and this is the tanks we get. Where are the good guys anymore?
MATTY MAZONE
Tell me about it; it gets worse: AV in Miami got it straight from the Reds down dere, his former client, the guy he gets off, is Ivan Atrovsky, major badass genius fuckin killer.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Fuck me. OK, I wanna see our legal eagles tomorrow, set it up; let them fix this shit. Alls I know is Mr. Sapienza is getting out soon and I want peace and fuckin quiet on the Western Front, cabish?
MATTY MAZONE
Ya know, we could play this ting like the good guys: get next to this guy and use um for cover with the Feds and the commies.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Yeah, right; let's run that by the counselors ---- go set it up.
FADE OUT.
INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE AT UCLA MEDICAL SCHOOL - DAY

scene opens with SS sitting in Dr. Rotweiner's office; the shrink has a white coat on as he has just finished a med school lecture;soft opera music is playing
SMIKE SWANSON
I've never seen one of you guys wear one of those, makes me feel incurable, like you've come to take me away, as they say.
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Not so fast; we don't even know if you're ill, do we?
SMIKE SWANSON
That's a relief. But you don't need a weatherman.......
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Careful, quoting Dylan songs may be a sign of definite weirdness. Look, Mr. Swanson, I'll drive, all right? Speaking of music, any objections to the opera----I find it relaxes people, the problems in opera are so just exaggerated versions of life and death.
(he switches on a CD)
SMIKE SWANSON
Fair enough, Hell,I may be a character in one, no doubt the soprano role; what shall we talk about?
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
I'm a Jungian, Mr. Swanson. That means, among other things, that we may dispense with all the canned assumptions about the dark psyche and talk about you according to you. Please begin.
SMIKE SWANSON
My favorite subject, so I'm told. It all started ........
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
It?
SMIKE SWANSON
We're making progress already, I can see that. Touche; you see, I am a pathological liar, I think, since forever.
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
And you expect me to believe that?
(smirk of amusement on Doc's face)
SMIKE SWANSON
Interesting; I never considered that angle, at least not with a headshrinker, I see your dilemma----so, basically, everything I now tell you......
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Is potential horseshit; you know I've actually done this before, so let's let me sort it all out, shall we?
SMIKE SWANSON
Fine, fine. What is so scary is that I can't tell anymore whether I am telling myself the truth; as far as others are concerned, no one has ever challenged me before-----at least as far as I can remember. Which raises an equally tough question: is my memory also a liar?
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Let's back up a moment; do you know your name and, if so, how?
SMIKE SWANSON
Sure, my name was given to me by my parents and I've seen my birth certificate so I know they weren't lying to me, at least not about that.
SHOW INSIDE RANDOM FIRINGS OF NEURON NETWORK OF MEMORIES IN SMIKE'S HEAD----ILLUSTRATING HIS MOUNTING CONFUSION AT EACH INSIGHT BY DR. ROTWEINER
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER (O.S.)
So let us assume it is therefore safe to call you Smyther Swanson;
how do you know that you are that person recorded in the birth certificate and not some adopted or kidnapped child, now grown, all the while raised as your namesake?

The point is that, while, in fact, DNA can determine who your parents were, there is no sure way of knowing if they were who they said they were, or, if that is not true, the same can be said far enough back in their ancestry that science breaks down for lack of a sample and we are left with perhaps nothing more than a long-perpetrated fraud, generation after generation.

But, not to put too fine a point on it, what's a name after all, even if it is really yours, as far as you know. In that sense we may, all of us, be liars.
SMIKE SWANSON
Aren't I supposed to be feeling better by now. Because I----whoever that is-----am not. I came in here to discuss the likelihood that I have behaved like an out of control liar and you tell me that I may be a lie! Thanks very much.
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
I did include myself, in all fairness. Look, facts, as we know them, are all built on assumptions, most of them seeming to be pretty solid, largely because we, society, mostly agree that they are true, which may be very different from actuality.
SMIKE SWANSON
So one billion Chinese could be wrong about rice? Here's a personal fact: since I was a kid I have been forging autographs to myself---assuming I am myself----and "assuming" -----and asking others to assume-----they were genuine. Now, there are real signatures somewhere of these people. Isn't that clear cut?
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
I'm afraid not. Here is the problem: who, other than someone who never actually saw the person in question sign his/her name, authenticates that signature as real, especially in the case of deceased persons. How do we test that guarantor's credibility, the only real evidence being that other people believe him/her? And why do they believe him/her: because other people believe him/her about other signatures. How can there be any ultimate certainty? Stranger still, the signer may decide next week to change his/her signature-----don't they first create it and no one else? That is why we, this same agreeable society of ours, have created something we call trust, but can this agreement we have made to trust each other be trusted?
SMIKE SWANSON
So a second opinion may be a real waste of my time, since he/she is going to trust your diagnosis of me, whoever you and I may actually be.
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
You have stumbled upon the paramount exception to the rule: experts make a living by not agreeing. But outside of the realms of expertise and its bearing upon making money, the rule applies: you open a bank account, sign a card and they give your money to anyone that signature tells them to; how do they know it is YOUR signature, unless you say it is. The same with the drivers license you are about to tell me they, or anyone, can compare it with. No, the certain facts are very limited in scope: the signature "you" decide to use matches up with who you think you are based upon what others, in writing or otherwise, have told you.
SMIKE SWANSON
You ever had a patient tell you that 'our time is up?' Could be a first--hey, at least we'll be famous; look, since you've done one helluva job destroying my mental state, one unrelated question you must get alot, you handle impotency problems?



SPECIFIC SCENE IN SMIKE'S HEAD SHOWING HIM VARIOUSLY IN A STRAIGHT JACKET, THEN PACIFIED WITH MEDS, DROOLING VACANTLY STARING, ALSO SHOWING A 'DREAM WITHIN A DREAM' SCENE OF THE LATTER SUBJECT IMAGINING HIMSELF AS SMIKE SWANSON, SITTING IN DR ROTWEINER'S OFFICE!
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Yes, actually, it seems the name exerts some sort of reverse psychology---anyway, if it's an issue, I just advise them to call me Dr. 'Rotweiler'.
(both laugh with comic relief)









I put it to you plainly, how do you know you are not imagining your life and are, in actual fact, someone else altogether, induced into this imagined "life" by the use of psychotropic drugs administered by a qualified nurse at some mental institution? This is the subject of my seminar here at the medical school, and I have yet to have any student, howsoever brilliant, rebut it.
SMIKE SWANSON
Timeout. I-----again-----may not be who I think I am, right; ok, then when I go to a notary public to verify my signature all that he/she does is legitimize a potential lie. So the law is a harlot,as somebody famous once told us, after all, fucking--I mean servicing those who service her!
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
And now I see your dilemma: you now see, do you not, that if we are all liars, howsoever unwitting, there are no lies.
SMIKE SWANSON
Weird! But, wait a minute------then everything is weird?
DO PULL BACK SHOT AS IN 'ARRIVAL' OPENING OR 'MEN IN BLACK' CLOSING, FROM EARTH INTO SPACE, VERY SLOWLY THEN PICKING UP SLOW SPEED, POSSIBLY USING SEGMENT OF PYTHON'S 'MEANING OF LIFE' SONG, 'JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU'RE STANDING ON A PLANET..
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER (V.O.)
Mr. Swanson, you are standing---rather sitting----on a chair itself perched upon a floor of a building itself sitting on a rock-like ball in what we call space, governed by a force we call gravity about which almost all of us, including the late Dr. Einstein, know virtually nothing. Yet we do not fall "off"-----keeping in mind that there is no N,S,E, or West in Space, whatever that is, filled, it seems according to the latest research, with 'dark matter', constituting almost 90% of the known universe, the essence of which we are unable to divine, try as we may; Yes, Mr. Swanson, everything is indeed weird.
SMIKE SWANSON
I would call that a big 'YES'. You don't make house calls, do you, 'cause I could really use you as a mindguard/guru for my next business appointment.
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
And now it is I, at least the 'I' called Dr. Rotweiner, who must terminate our session for now.
SMIKE SWANSON
Terminate------and you guys are supposed to be sensitive?
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Would you prefer 'end'?; I want you to do something for me, Mr. Swanson; here is a micro tape device: I want you to record everything for me in the next week or so, including that appointment. Now don't worry about the law, as the recording will be surreptitious and a mere aide in my analysis; the battery is longlasting and you will, under stress, forget it is even on your lapel; besides, why fear the 'harlot', as you have indicated-----she can be satisfied with less than justice, eh?
CUT TO:
INT. MOB LAWYERS OFFICES - DAY

SCENE CUTS TO THE LAW OFFICES OF KNEEDLER, WHEEDLE & INVEIGLE, LLC; Ivy League men, and women all, they have repped the West Coast Mob since Prohibition.........
MARIO CONSTANZA
So, tell me sumpin, what the fuck have we walked into here?
LAURA INVEIGLE
Mario, this fellow appears to be as clueless as you. My sources in New York have advised me that he is being set up by the federal authorities; now, he may have been tipped off by a 'friend' in the prosecutor's office, we are still attempting to learn who;
but one thing is certain: they are using him to get at a Red Mafiya ring of smugglers who are relying upon distraction as their modus operandi.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Hey, at these prices, do I gotta also hire a fuckin translator? What the fuck------I got sources, too, do I send yous a bill? I want legal stuff here, not freakin street dope, awright. Gimme da boddom line for Chrissake.
LAURA INVEIGLE
Sorry, Mr. C; here is what neither you nor he know: the Feds intend to kill everyone in a raid on the dealership where he has been positioned; they will attribute it to a 'hotdog' agent, who will also be killed-----an African American who has instigated, and had settled, an embarrassing racial discrimination class action suit within the Bureau.
The settlement is their cover, although it has yet to have been paid out. We're working on the date of the raid, although it seems imminent.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Fuckin great, um supposed to pick up Mr. Rapienza's Maserati on the 16th, am I gonna get shot?
LAURA INVEIGLE
You must understand, our source is in the U.S.Attorney's office; we don't know because they don't. What we do know, however, is that the smugglers use Venice for their heavy duty contraband: drugs, artwork, diamonds: therefore, since your vehicle is emanating from that site, we recommend that you cancel the order.
MARIO CONSTANZA
No offense, but that's pussy shit. Itza matter a fuckin principle, bout bein used, an some constitutshun shit, too: Look, no way um letting that car be grabbed, especially without anything from the Sinatra Collection to show for it-----dat stuff is priceless, shots I never seen of Frank and all the rest hangin out in Vegas, Manhattan and whatever. We gotta tip off coupla guys bout da merchandise an put im in our freakin protection program. We want our guys to sting this thing, got it?
LAURA INVEIGLE
How do you propose to do that?
MARIO CONSTANZA
No sweat; we get to the nig.......I mean, de African American dude; he gives us the set up an we bust em; it'll be just like de ole days, fuckin Commies instead a Nazis, right? Besides, I oh-weez liked da way doze dudes talk an dress an shit, ya no?
LAURA INVEIGLE
Well, we could use the Whistleblower Statute.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Yeah, set it up sows we can tell the guvament to blow us! I love it; can you arrange a meetin wit dis black guy?
LAURA INVEIGLE
It'll be tricky, we must be sure he is undetected. Odds are excellent he is under surveillance, visual and electronic. Who can we deploy to divert the surveillors?
MARIO CONSTANZA
Got da purfect guys: can't get arrested. We send um out looking all illegal an shit and deez fuckin stakeout clowns bite 'cause it looks too fuckin easy: cops love obvious shit, especially at 3 am.
LAURA INVEIGLE
We know his lawyers well, I used to date one of them. We will make it happen; the rest is up to you.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Just set it up before the Boss gets out next week; gotta be smood, he can't handle too much publicity, ok?
LAURA INVEIGLE
I think he may make an exception if he knows, after the fact of course, that his spot is going to be taken by the fellows who put him in there, don't you think so?
MARIO CONSTANZA
(Belly laughing)
Call the fuckin Enquirer, Ted fuckin Turner, I don't care!
CUT TO:
INT. SCHULTZ LUXURY BOUTIQUE/DEALERSHIP - DAY

scene opens on the showroom of the boutique dealership; Tad Shultz, boy owner, Sergio, SS and the LA Times are present with photographers, ready to do their Lifestyle layout on this burgeoning new enterprise; Swanson has, reluctantly, brought his Rat Pack Collection per instructions.....
SMIKE SWANSON
Hey, Serge, what is all this? Do we really want the proles to know about our services-----we're gonna need a 'No shoes/shirt, No service' sign if every low life in LA can walk through the door.
SERGIO
Relax, TS knows what he's dune. Seems he's got coverage out the ass on the cash sales he loves so much, so he's willing to hold his nose when some crapper-rapper asshole walks in with several hundred large.
SMIKE SWANSON
Hey, the creed is greed, if he can stand the heat, but I don't like it; I've done some work in the past which tells me there ain't no loophole big enough for that kind of action.
SERGIO
Whad are you, a lawyer or something?
SMIKE SWANSON
Musta been one...in another life, huh.
Photographer positions the sales staff in front of the gallery of Sinatra memorabilia, shooting rapidly
LA TIMES
That's great; just one more, could you move to the left, I wanna get close-ups of these black and whites-------geez, where the hell did you get this one of Sinatra with Kennedy in Vegas? WOW.
TAD SCHULTZ
OK, fellas, if that's a wrap, we need to get back to running Fantasyland, here, we surely appreciate your taking the time to come out and see how the other 1/2 lives, the other 1/2 of 1%, that is!
(Laughing at his own condescension)
LA TIMES
We're done; expect to see yourselves in print next week, say around the 14th weekend edition; and of course it will go out on the syndicate wires to all the major market papers, even Le Monde and some other Eurotrash outlets.
[The Times exits]
TAD SCHULTZ
Hey, that wasn't so bad; OK guys, now you're gonna see a lot of IceT types from now on, so, you know, cultural sensitivity is the watchword. Serge, maybe set up one of our slide sessions with all the biggies----wait a minute, he's dead, right; anyway, you know, get our black security guys to get you up to speed on all the West Coast hip hop, whatever types, gotta go see the new owners of the bank, Russian émigrés, no less, very upscale with heavy degrees in science and economics, very impressive. Seems they want to go ecommerce, B2B-----I'm their guy, not Gates!
He leaves, cell phone singing.....
SMIKE SWANSON
I thought technonerds were shy and introverted.
SERGIO
Seems they get very outgoing when the cash is incoming!
SMIKE SWANSON
I guess so, Tad was talking my ears off about taking this concept national, all the big markets-------can't argue with success, he mention that to you?
SERGIO
No, maybe he's grooming you or something. This Russian thing sounds serious.
SMIKE SWANSON
Yeah, a little too serious. Got a doctor's appointment, see ya domani, eh.
SERGIO
Ciaio, Smikey, don't forget we take delivery on that Maz next week so dress British, think Yiddish, huh.
SMIKE SWANSON
More like Armani meets Damon Runyon, don't ya think?
SERGIO
Beats 'Yo, Dog' and FUBU.
FADE OUT.
INT. ALL-NITE DINER OFF JERSEY TPIKE - MORNING
SCENE OPENS AT AN ALL-NITE DINER OFF THE JERSEY TURNPIKE, NEAR NEWARK; THE PLACE IS ALMOST EMPTY AT 3 AM, BUT FOR A NEATLY DRESSED BLACK MAN, HIS BACK TO THE FRONT DOOR, THE COUNTERMAN, A COOK AND TWO NONDESCRIPT 40ISH SOPRANO TYPES, FROM THE FABERGENTE CREW, JUST ENTERING THE PLACE; JUKEBOX IS PLAYING SINATRA TUNE, 'ONE FOR MY BABY....'
SAL PITINO
Jimmy, wanna close down for awhile?
COUNTERMAN
Sure thing, Mr. P; no problemo.
(He hits a switch which closes the blinds, dims the lights and activates a neon "CLOSED" sign below the "Open all nite" sign)
HAROLD AARON
You the fellas I'm supposed to talk to about a certain lead in a certain investigation?
ABBY MANNOLO
Dat's us; we appreciate your bein available at such a weird hour.
HAROLD AARON
Hey, we invented 24/7; what can I do-----or should I say, what can you do for me?
SAL PITINO
Meanin no disrespect, Special Agent, but we can save your ass.
HAROLD AARON
Who says my ass needs such attention, you a fuckin proctologist?
ABBY MANNOLO
I can tell ya it ain't the Smithsonian Institute. Here it is: you're gonna be set up.
HAROLD AARON
I don't go on blind dates, besides I'm happily married.
SAL PITINO
What my associate means is, we don wanna see yous make your wife a widow.
HAROLD AARON
You clowns threatening me, what the fuck!
SAL PITINO
Whoa, whoa, no way; we mean nuttin but respect. You're working a sting out in LA involving some commie smuggling/money laundering deal usin heavy rides for cover, right?
HAROLD AARON
I can't discuss our business with you; let's just say hypothetically that what you say is true, so what, what's it to you?
ABBY MANNOLO
Again, Mr.-----Agent Aaron, we know that the Bureau likes to use out of town agents in big busts, kinda misdirection shit like in the NFL. We have it on very good authority, as in DOJ/NYC, dat you're gonna be a casualty when they raid the spot.
HAROLD AARON
Um listening.
SAL PITINO
We're gonna show hour good faith by telling you our business: one of our associates out dare in LA goes into dis swanky joint to special order a car, whaddaya call, a .............
ABBY MANNOLO
M a z e r a t i.....
SAL PITINO
Yeah, fuckin Mazerati; guy sellin it tells im his family's all connected an shit, like to Frank S. and so forth and so on, so this gets our associate's attention for sentimental reasons and the like. Check him out, turns out the guy's a former moutpiece for da Russian Mob, call it the Mafiya wid a "y", why I dunno, sounds da same, besides they ain't too hot with vowels, so it's real fucked up.....
ABBY MANNOLO
Va......whats?
SAL PITINO
Um talking here; yeah, v o w e l s, vow-Ls, look it up for Chrissake. For some reason which ain't totally clear yet, he gives up his practice an disappears, as in Sammy da Bull, sept he ain't no criminal, just a criminal lawyer.....
ABBY MANNOLO
Ain't they all.....
SAL PITINO
Please, Abby we're doin bizness here, try an be professional. Word on da street, his former employers, the Russkis, are looking for him, why we doan know. We can't believe they couldn't find him, what wit the Feds fuckin up wet dreams an all----no offense-----so we start thinking maybe he's working for the commies all along.
HAROLD AARON
JUKEBOX HAS SWITCHED TO JAMES BROWN'S, 'I'M BLACK AND I'M PROUD', SOFTLY
Let me see if I can finish this before the breakfast crowd starts showing up: you fellows, your organization, doesn't like being used, what with your car carrying unknown contraband and all, especially by some lawyer turned secret agent who claims to be connected to your faction, not to cast aspersions, when he is actually working for either my organization and/or the new kids on the block, right so far?
ABBY MANNOLO
Fuckin bingo.
SAL PITINO
Hey, what would you do? We figure your bein hit is just soz nobody, innocent or not, walks away from this thing, wit tales to tell, get me?
HAROLD AARON
And just how is it that your people and mine, yours truly included if there is such a sting in the works, all happen to be at the same place at the same time?
SAL PITINO
Let's just say it ain't no coincidence that our little gathering in LA falls on the 16th, the day our car gets delivered.
ABBY MANNOLO
An les also say dat you are about as popular wit the Bureau as we are.
HAROLD AARON
For guys who usually don't know anything you have a lot of details, I will say that. So, let's take a deep breath: everything you say is true, let's just say------why should anyone trust anyone else?
SAL PITINO
We are the innocent interlopers here.
ABBY MANNOLO
Inter.......whaaaa?
SAL PITINO
What's a matter, you got a problem wit English? It's a fuckin legal term, the Special Agent knows what it means, so relax, or go get a GED......we don't like, as you say, bein yoused. Besides, we're Americans for cryin out loud, capitalists true and true. Commies are shit, ran their country like a rigged card game, and that ain't fair to the little guy.
HAROLD AARON
Hey, I guess with Superman down, you're the best we can do, that it? I know all about WWII, so save it.
OK, you're patriots, Hell my people know all about 200 year old American bullshit, so yours is as good as any of it. What do you propose?
SAL PITINO
What if we had proof that you're bein watched by your own people and ......
HAROLD AARON
My lawyers have told me that much; what don't I know, assuming I believe you?
SAL PITINO
Here's the drill: you're wearin your vest, body fuckin armor, leadin the whole freakin thing, good for the image of the Fibbies, blah blah blah, only their sharpshooter's got cop killers loaded with your name on um at an angle they can pin on our shooters; these weapons are planted on our guys an everybody's bad guys-----usual fuckin suspects----- sept the law, a course, go down on this one.
ABBY MANNOLO
Hey, Sal, look at da time; gotta go.
HAROLD AARON
You guys got a secure phone?
SAL PITINO
Pick a number.
HAROLD AARON
I'll get back to you in 24 if I am satisfied.
ABBY MANNOLO
Copacetic; just tryin ta do da right ting.
SAL PITINO
We'll look forward to your call.
HAROLD AARON
We'll see; have a good day gentlemen.
(Aaron gets up and is buzzed out)
ABBY MANNOLO
OK, Jimmy, open up, um starving.
CUT TO FEW MINUTES LATER,WEST COAST TIME:
SCENE OPENS ON SMIKE IN BED AT 1:00am!
SMIKE SWANSON
Hullo, uhhh.
SAL PITINO
Am I speakin to Mr. Smyther Swanson hisself?
SMIKE SWANSON
Who the hell is this?
SAL PITINO
Call me your guardian angel, awright. Um callin about your appointment on the 16th, Mr. Swanson, or whatever you REAL name is, cabish? Don't hang up or react, just listen: we know who you are, what you are doon, and, most important, may I say, how you can live to tell this tale; are we communicatin?
SMIKE SWANSON
I'm listening. What do you want from me?
SAL PITINO
Um glad you ast; here's the plan, you're havin breakfast in Beverly Hills with the Clampetts at that favorite deli yous habituate, got it?
SMIKE SWANSON
No problem; when and who am I meeting, who the Hell are the Clampetts, for Chrissake?
SAL PITINO
Jus be dere at 9am;'set a spell', what you never watched no TV---- they'll find you, and no guests.......
clunk, the phone goes dead
CUT TO:
INT. OCCIDENTAL ITALIAN MOB SOCIAL CLUB - DAY
SCENE OPENS AT THE OCCIDENTAL SOCIAL CLUB, MR. C. PRESIDING......; it is the 14th.....
MARIO CONSTANZA
Whadawegot, talk to me.
LOU D'BENZA
I don't like it, Boss; fuckin Russian asssholes are all over the place all a sudden.
MATTY MAZONE
E's right, Mr. C, these fuckers are conspicuous as hell, hangin at the Beverly Hilton, Rodeo spots, passin lots a cash, our girls tell us. Some kinda fucks we never seen before wit redneck names are in town too, fuckin Klampet, Schmampet , whatever; heard about it from our guy at da yuppie deli over on Sunset.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Know sumpin about it; lawyers tell me they're buying up 9% of every fuckin bank that's even thinking about having one fuckin branch, for shit's sake; banks mean one ting: money washin, question is from where for who?
LOUIE D'BENZA
Whom.
MARIO CONSTANZA
OK, Shakespeare, ever hear of For Whom the Bell Tolls? Well um ringin it; whaddaya doon sittin here, find out "whom" I gotta be unleashin my anger on steada you, awright?!
Matty and Lou haul ass out, Matty looking at Lou with a grin......
MARIO CONSTANZA (CONT'D)
Carmine, get me the East Coast on the scrambler.... Sal, what's the story?
SAL PITINO (O.S.)
Greetings, Don Costanza; guy opened up like a fuckin fortune cookie. You got the whole shitload a pix of Frank and company and a buncha shit more like dat. Seems he's confused about who ta trust, what with the Feds, the Reds and us leanin on him. Says alls he wants is to get away from the Russian fucks who think they own his ass.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Souns good; tell me, who da fuck are da Clampetts?
SAL PITINO
Little gimmick we used soze ta let im know we're da good guys----ya know, "swimming pools, movie starz..." , representin all da shit he loves.
Let im know da fuckin commies an Feds would either kill im or frame im on fraud an shit, respectively speakin, whereas we hole the keys ta da kingdom, so to speak. Right now we're the Drysdale to his fortunes
MARIO CONSTANZA
So he's now in our protectshun program, right?
SAL PITINO
Lifetime fuckin member, boss.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Ya done good; get laid on me, you an Abby.
SAL PITINO
Hey, jus like de ole days, widdout the fuckin commies.......we own dis guy. May even troe in free legals, for cryin out loud.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Gotta go, meetin wit the fuckin LA Times first ting in da a.m. Kirk out, HAHA Ha!
FADE TO:
EXT. SWANK CLEANERS WHERE ISIS WORKS - DAY

SCENE OPENS WITH SS SHOWING UP AT THE SWANK CLEANERS TO SEE ISIS, UNANNOUNCED AND VISIBLY SHAKEN..
SMIKE SWANSON
I come bearing gifts
(hands her a latte from Starbucks take out)
can you take a break?
ISIS VISCAYA
Gloria, cover me, ok?
They sit in SS's car
SMIKE SWANSON
Let's go for a quick ride.
ISIS VISCAYA
You sound like some of your black and white mob buddies.
SMIKE SWANSON
These guys are in Technicolor, honey, trust me.
ISIS VISCAYA
OK, the mothership needs an update-----what's happening?
SMIKE SWANSON
Can you call in sick on my cell; look, there isn't time for me to lay it out now, just go with it and sit in with me and Doc Rotweiner.....
ISIS VISCAYA
Ok, ok; look, do you even have an appointment?
SMIKE SWANSON
Um headed for the mental ER, babe; I'll wait.
ISIS VISCAYA
I hope he's in town........I think it's cool, he's teaching tonight. Guess I'll be real early.
They are out of the car and on an elevator at UCLA







CUT TO MOMENTS LATER:
INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE AT UCLA MEDICAL SCHOOL - AFTERNOON
Next scene opens with them in shrink's waiting room......; Isis is listening to the recording device SS was given by the Doc, swallowing hard; there is a TV in the waiting area, volume inaudible, showing an episode of 'The Beverly Hillbillies', opening scene intro with music theme....visible behind actors to audience
ISIS VISCAYA
Has anyone else heard this?
SMIKE SWANSON
You're at the premiere; are we together on this, cause I can't let anything happen to you or your child.
ISIS VISCAYA
Oh, Jesus, Smike!
SMIKE SWANSON
Take a deep breath: I have a plan and someone I think I can trust in the world of law enforcement, FBI guy who may be in the same leaky boat with me. He's supposed to already be setting up protection. We gotta go with it right now, and not panic your mom until we can get confirmation, should be getting a call from him any minute.
Receptionist shows them into the Doc's office; he is on his way, they are told
SMIKE SWANSON (CONT'D)
Hey I hope this isn't driving a stake into our heart, "Ice", shit....
ISIS VISCAYA
What are we the undead....sorry, poor choice of words; are you crazy, do you think that little of our thing?
SMIKE SWANSON
No, no, hey good choice of words, that's how I want us to stay, I'm happy with the blood we got, no more; it's these vampires out there, whoever they really are, that worries me.
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
This is a surprise, I hope a pleasant one.
(He kisses Isis on the cheek)
SMIKE SWANSON
Doc, sorry for the drive thru behavior but I need some brainfood fast.
ISIS VISCAYA
Show Alan the recording; Alan, you may have been more of a savior than you could have hoped.
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
My God complex is in the shop, so let's just say I'm listening.
SMIKE SWANSON
Doc, I am in a crossfire, it seems, with no lesser of three possible evils, except, maybe------and this is why um gate crashin------the Italian mob. They may be the goddam good guys; in any event, like it or no, I am their face man, as they call it.
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
You're the lawyer; I need facts.
SMIKE SWANSON
As Bogie said, play it Sam.
(He hands the recordings to Dr.)
They all listen to his breakfast with the Clampetts: audience listens in on excerpt of the latter, with possibly visual ; key audio element: these are hoods, trying hard to sound Southern---should be very funny yet serious=Weird; blurry flashback, sound disembodied and coming only from the tape

SOUND of Plates rattling, short orders in background with music over of Beverly Hillbillies theme music by Scruggs, instrumental version, no lyrics(V.O.)
INT. DELI ON SUNSET BLVD. - MORNING
JED, AKA UMBERTO

Mr. Swanson, allow me to make introductions: Um Jed and this is my son Jethro; we're new to Beverly Hills and wanted to get ta know you, you bein highly recommended to us in the luxury car and other marketplace. Gonna be replacin da truck an furnishin the mansion, decoratin outside at the cement pond, an so forth; can we count of you to assist us?
SMIKE SWANSON
Sure, uh, what exactly did yu have in mind?
JED, AKA UMBERTO

Well, assuming our associate back East explained it to you, we are interested in one of those Italian jobs, Maseroute, I think; only thing is, we heard that some other folks might be interested in one too, and, here's the thing, we need it like in a couple of days, say on the 16th and, well, we want her 'As-Is', like you fellers say on TV; also, we heard that you have the nicest collection of black and white ole timey photos of all these here Hollywood stars and such, which we just gotta have if Granny an Elly Mae are ever gonna feel at home out here. So, we want to introduce you to a real nice black fella---he's waitin on the other end of this here tellyphone----who can give you all the details, cause we're in a hurry an aren't all up on our math and legal stuff, to tell ya the truth. He' s such a fine fella an is real worried that everything needs to go real smooth so that these fellas, calls um Reds for short, we kinda think theys Injuns or such, will be angry when we come pick up this here car, he says they can be real nasty, might even have shotguns on em, guess they're kinda nervous fellas or real hunter types. Whaddya say, Mr. Swanson?
SMIKE SWANSON
I don't see any problems at all; I have just the car you are interested in and want to assure you, Jed and Jethro, that I want to be your personal assistant in getting everything you desire. I will make sure, working with your friend on the phone line, that these dangerousReds, uh, I ndians ,are handled according to the law.
JED, AKA UMBERTO
Well, now that is mighty nice a you, such short notice an all; we hear tell that you know something about the law and have done some business relatin to these Injuns, so we sure are feeling better about this whole thing. Oh, yeah, you be sure an tell your pretty friend from Mexico that we know she would appreciate you handling this for us, seein as how, accordin to our black friend, she's got a youngin and lots a bills to pay; we're gonna make sure you are paid extry on this here deal.
SMIKE SWANSON
A real pleasure meeting you and I want to cooperate with you all the way----just think of me as a fan, ok, you folks are the 'good guys', especially lately.
JED, AKA UMBERTO
Jethro, how bout we finish up our eats and get on down to Ro-de-o Drive, sure like the sound of that name, though it makes us a spell homesick.
(END of Tape)
SMIKE SWANSON
Doc, I don't think I've been threatened by a nicer couple a fellas, do you?
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
And what, may I ask, did our telephone pal have to say?
SMIKE SWANSON
Called the number on the phone screen they left with me; it seems that a certain Special Agent Aaron of the Federal Bureau of Intimidation backed up what our Lil Abners had to say, albeit in code.
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Smyther, you're a bright fellow, capable of lateral reasoning, what do you make of it all?
SMIKE SWANSON
This is very embarrassing, but what the hell is lateral reasoning? You see, you're apparently wrong about me, why should you want my read?
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Well, as you have said, we don't need a weatherman.....What I need from you is who, what, where, when and why.
SMIKE SWANSON
(His cell phone rings:)
Yes, I understand; and, Mr. Aaron, thanks.
( To Dr. and IV)
Everyone is safe, at a safehouse out of town, Ice. Dr., here's the playbill: The Clampetts are with the Fabergente family, kissin cousins to the Rapienzas, it seems, the Reds are Russian mafiya, and the Feds are, well, themselves, or so I thought, until SA Aaron informed me that he was to be Kennedyed by them, his words; and, well, let's see, the Clampetts, a/k/a Rapienza/Fabergente, are innocent just like their namesakes.

Any questions so far? Ok, when: on the day after tomorrow, they all are on a collision course at my place of business, which, apparently is owned by a greedy stooge of the Reds, who are using his operation to wash money, smuggle everything not locked down and, oh yes, fuck over guys like me who are oh so accidentally, if the Feds are to be believed, in the wrong place at a bad time. Now, they're all using me for something; the Clampetts/nee Rapienzas only seem to want the phony fruits of my fraud, so they are the most reasonable players in our little melodrama, including me.
Um going with them: why, I like oxygen and, besides, they saved Aaron's ass and, in turn, mine and those I care about.
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
And you want my opinion?
ISIS VISCAYA
He needs it, doctor; this is the same man who has questioned his own credibility in and outside his own head; what should we do?
SMIKE SWANSON
And, while you are pondering that, ponder this: my photos are fakes; even if they kill me I still have to deal with Sinatra, surly rock stars and assorted luminaries in one or more subsequent dimensions.
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Power of the media, folks;
(he presses the intercom)
Jean, get me Dick Powell at Channel 5 please.
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER (CONT'D)
Your tangled web may actually prove to be the biggest media circus in memory. Unless the shooters want Oswald Two , seems to me that everyone will get what they deserve including you, my starstruck friend: it will be your autograph others are seeking, that is, whoever you are.
SMIKE SWANSON
Why am I not laughing? Will you talk with Aaron? Can I trust him?
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
He has obviously trusted the Clampetts and you; your best friend other than Isis here is going to be P.T. Barnum and his minions, camera and mike in hand on the 16th. Remember, perception is what matters in this tangled world wide web we have woven, all of us; entertainment trumps content, and you are running the show: isn't that what you have always done and wanted to do?
SMIKE SWANSON
Yeah, and I don't even have to bullshit anymore. Is this the point where you place your hand on my forehead and shout "Be Healed!"
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Too touchy feely; better you should walk on water on the 16th, and call it roughly equivalent.
SMIKE SWANSON
Aren't we assuming the Russians are incredibly inept?
ISIS VISCAYA
What Alan has told you makes that irrelevant, right?
DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
I am afraid that Smike may be prudent on this one: they count on underestimation based on the state of mother Russia; what must happen here is the car must reach its destination intact, with no sign of trouble: Smike, your new friends the Rapienzas must somehow deal with this vehicle problem, compliments of your Mr. Shcultz, I hear he can afford it. Besides, if the Russians run him, they will take care of him for you. Right now you need their advice, not mine.
SMIKE SWANSON
Let's go Ice, Aaron told me where to find them; Doc, add healing to my bill just the same.
FADE TO:
EXT. PRIVATE CABANA AT BEVERLY HILTON - DAY

Scene opens on Russian confab at the Beverly Hilton pool area, private cabanas if you please....; they are speaking in Russian
IVAN ATROVSKY
What do you mean you can't find this prick lawyer?
ANATOLY KASPAR
I beg your pardon Commisar, but someone must be protecting him.
IVAN ATROVSKY
This bothers me even more; what do our sources at the Embassy have to say for themselves?
ANATOLY KASPAR
Schultz is a fucking weakling but so far he knows nothing except money and wine.
IVAN ATROVSKY
And the FBI and CIA fuckers we pay, they have nothing?
ANATOLY KASPAR
They are as weak as Schultz; we need to go to their Negroes, they hate this American bullshit, for a price at least. I have just the person; he has agreed to meet with us tonight at the disco on Sunset.
IVAN ATROVSKY
Good; I want to know who is fucking with us, we cannot count on ex-fucking Presidents, they have no balls, even this Neil Bush fuckhead, I could kill him, goddam bagman for the family and can't get the old man to make some calls; I want him killed.
ANATOLY KASPAR
That is arranged; right now let's see what the nigger has for us. He has fucked them in the ass in their courts and is pissed as they keep stalling on his settlement payment; he had to ask the judge to site them for contempt, can you believe it?
IVAN ATROVSKY
Why do we want to buy this country, Anatoly, it is full of pimps; remind me to get the goddam Arabs some pocket nukes to blow up some of their asshole institutions, after we get the money we want out of it, that is!
CUT TO MOMENTS LATER:
Scene turns to the Occidental Social Club, on Sunset, with SS and IV knocking at the door.....
SMIKE SWANSON
I need to speak with Mr. Mario Constanza, please.
LOUIE D'BENZA
Whom shall I say is calling?
SMIKE SWANSON
You mean who, right, never mind; uh, tell him Mike Lowenstein or Smyther Swanson, OK?
LOUIE D'BENZA
Souns like split personality or sumpin to me----you need a shrink, maybe, huh.
SMIKE SWANSON
If I don't see him soon um gonna need a talented mortician, so please tell him.
LOUIE D'BENZA
Wait outside
(walks back to the private sanctum and addresses Mr. C, who is with several "friends")
Sinatra tune 'Softly', is playing as background in club
Pardone, Mr. C, got some clown out here says he's......well, dat's the ting, he don't really know who he is or nuttin, sometin about some Mort Tisch shit.
MARIO CONSTANZA
You fuckin with me, cause that 'who' shit is still on my list; gimme his fuckin name, describe the asshole.
LOUIE D'BENZA
That's another thing, he ain't too bright cause he's usin some bullshit name like 'Smiler Swansong', an, you know, dat's kid shit, come on, 'swansong', which has the meanin, ya know, that he's about to die and making noises an shit.....
MARIO CONSTANZA
Where's my gun! Somebody shoot boat uh dem.
LOUIE D'BENZA
Sorry, yous no how I can get carried away wit all the reading I do in my spare time, which is really a lot here at the Club, how much fucking pool can ya shoot........
(sees guns coming out all around the table)
Christ, that ain't the name, obviously, Mike Lowenstein aka Smyder Swastika! Or some shit.
MARIO CONSTANZA
How interesting; awright boys, clear out an kill Louie if you want, he's so fuckin smart he'll figure out how to raise hisself from the dead, right!
LOUIE D'BENZA
You still want I should go get him?
(six guns are cocked simultaneously)
MARIO CONSTANZA
If you could fine da time....
Smike is shown in to Mr. C; Isis is kept outside in the Club gameroom; Sinatra tune 'My way' is playing softly
MARIO CONSTANZA (CONT'D)
I hear you finally remembered your name.
SMIKE SWANSON
Sir, Mr. Constanza, let me ex..............
MARIO CONSTANZA
To doze widdout class you wouldn't have no time for splainin, you'd be wid your altered ego Mort Tisch.
SMIKE SWANSON
I understand. No more bullshit, right. I have come to thank you personally and to apologize for my unintended miscommunication back when you ordered the car.....
MARIO CONSTANZA
Um a reasonable man, a businessman. I come in to do some bizness, all a sudden um getting conned; hey, bygonez are bygonez, sides your lies were so shitty I knew dey had to be government issue.
SMIKE SWANSON
Then perhaps, I sincerely hope, I mean to say.....
MARIO CONSTANZA
Dat the Feds have been usin yous-----hey, dat's why you ain't wit whaddyacall Mr. Tisch.
SMIKE SWANSON
Wow, you're better than James Bond, for cryin out loud.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Don't suppose you got Sean Connery, love that fucking guy----"Bond, James Bond", cracks me up, wid admiration, acourse , ain't even a fuckin Limey an da way he made that bitch da Queen crawl to him wit the sword an all, beautiful. Look, Mike is it?, we been at dis for a long time now an, well, never did da authorities--------how did they ever get in charge anyway, except widdout our help, cabish?-----own us, no, was always de udder way around. We did a lotta good shit for dis country, ya know. We fuckin refused ta kill King, or Kennedy----such a lovely woman: dey do dis right in fronta her, makes me piss red; ya know, shoulda ratted those fucks out then sept our credibility wasn't so hot. So now, we figure, here's our chance to atone, ya know, what wit this black dude bein set up an all.
SMIKE SWANSON
I guess I haven't fainted yet because we're still talking. Thank God, now all I------I mean we-----have to worry about is the Mafiya, you know, with a "y".
MARIO CONSTANZA
No style; sure fuckin degrees out de ass from fuckin commie schools an shit, big deal; can't even spell MAFIA......HAAAAAAAHAAAa!
(slaps SS on back hard)
We got it covered: here's da drill: we jus bought da truckers your yuppie cocksucker boss uses an the guys on the dock; sure, commies tink dey got it all worked out, never figured that brainwashin cuts boat ways: alls ya gotta say to dere American front guys is that these Reds got uncircumcised dicks an fuck whosever's wife and kids dey kill, Bingo.
SMIKE SWANSON
What can I do to show my good faith?
MARIO CONSTANZA
You awready done it, even doe ya didn't know it, couldn't a.
SMIKE SWANSON
Huh, I feel stupid.
MARIO CONSTANZA
So did we when we did some diggin; got sloppy, ya know, tings get too good yous lose yur edge, cabish?
SMIKE SWANSON
Is that with a "b" or a "p", never could figure it out?
MARIO CONSTANZA
You sure you ain't part Italian, cause we got a guy here who's always comin up wid shit like dat!
SMIKE SWANSON
No disrespect, I swear.....
MARIO CONSTANZA
Fugedabowdit; look, plenty a time later for lessons in the language a love, for now, you an your lady friend are low profile, everything is cool; yous show up for me ta take delivery, cabish---capish----now um all fucked up here! Jus kiddin; yous been in bizness dere for two years now, right?
SMIKE SWANSON
Exactly two on the ........ 16th, wow, didn't compute before.
MARIO CONSTANZA
It don't matter, except it's gonna seem like da Simpson case all over down dere: got fuckin media out de ass showin up for what dey tink is some big goddam party, launching your expansion, yada yada yada.
SMIKE SWANSON
To sting the sting, right?
MARIO CONSTANZA
See, you Jews was always bright, like Meyer, fuckin genius.
SMIKE SWANSON
How have you managed to keep this quiet, from the Feds and Ruskis?
MARIO CONSTANZA
What, now you want to be made, learn all da secrets? Let's just say dat the Feds an da Reds been in a fuckin standoff for what, 50 years till dah Reds ran outta rubles------needer one worth a shit, for Chrissake. Any fight we was involved wit, 15 rounds max, an dere, ya know, the outcome was whaddya call, predictable an all. Na, dey got all dat counterintel shit, misinformation, disinfo, fuckin lies on toppa lies, pretty soon dere boat playing the game fuckin kids play: "If you knew that I know that you know what......." Gives em boat a fuckin headache, can't tink strait.
SMIKE SWANSON
So they discount the truth as often as they do bullshit.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Your startin to remind me a duh fuckin Grasshopper on dat show.
SMIKE SWANSON
Kung Fu.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Yeah, loved dat guy: so polite, then he kicks everybody's ass like he's doin em a favor. Dat's anudder ting, fucking Russian mobsters, huh, wit dere karate an shit: we just rope a dope em, then fuckin shoot em like in Indianapolis Jones.
SMIKE SWANSON
So the Feds are coming no matter what; what about the Reds?
MARIO CONSTANZA
What is dere an echo in here; pay attention, dey tink when dey buy information from da Feds dat it's as good as what we always got---no way, they ain Americans like us; besides, they're all fucked up by dat same shit they an da Feds been doon since Christ was a kid.
SMIKE SWANSON
Cabish!
MARIO CONSTANZA
Didn't teach ya dat in law school, did they? You on da team?
SMIKE SWANSON
Backup quarterback.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Good, cause we did not want to kill ya, respect the Jews greatly, gotta tell ya. Hey Carmine, get Louie. You'll like this guy, real scholar. Gonna keep you under wraps for awhile till we know it's safe to go home; want you all rested for the Sting of all stings.
SMIKE SWANSON
How can I repay you?
MARIO CONSTANZA
Just show up at de occasional arraignment an we'll tink of something; once you got privileged info, like now, you are one safe Jewish boy.
SMIKE SWANSON
Just say you have retained me, retroactively, and you got it.
MARIO CONSTANZA
You been retained, ex post facto----hey, the Romans were Italians ya know!
hands SS a stack of C notes, neatly bound by the Federal Reserve, no less
CUT TO:
INT. PRIVATE ACCESS HOTEL SUITE - EVENING

scene opens with SS/ML and IV sitting in a limited access hotel room with their newest best buddy, Louie D'Benza
LOUIE D'BENZA
Yous sure I can't get ya nuttin, room service, massage, whatever, we kinda own the joint.
ISIS VISCAYA
We're fine, Louie; I'm sort of tired from losing those billiard games to you and your friends back at the Club.
LOUIE D'BENZA
Hey um down wit dat; funny thing is, I don't even hardly play no more, I like reading better, helps keep the mind active and shit. You like ta read?
ISIS VISCAYA
Why, yes, all sorts of things, why do you ask?
(SS/ML is on the secure phone with SA Aaron....)
LOUIE D'BENZA
I could recommend some good stuff------jus finished a book by Depak Chopra, very spiritual, very inspirin.
ISIS VISCAYA
He is quite inspirational, drawing from all cultures yet synthesizing their central message of human aspiration toward commonality of meaning in life.
LOUIE D'BENZA
Yeah, I was jus gonna say that; funny how minds think alike, right?
ISIS VISCAYA
Something like that; say, Matty, do you think I could get some aspirin, got a killer headache?
LOUIE D'BENZA
Hey, um on it; got two guys outside, so don't worry about security while um gone.
( He leaves)
SMIKE SWANSON
Your mom and chico are fine; Aaron is class, just focused on the right thing, lotta guts. He's got the commies----sound like Mario----believing he is cooperating with them like some kinda rational Idi Amin; has them persuaded that he will Whistleblower the whole FBI into paralysis, they'll actually get more shit through than ever. Says the Russians are coming....
ISIS VISCAYA
Don't you have a shot from that film, Alan Arkin, "To boychik Smike, Alan"?
SMIKE SWANSON
You know you are right; that was one of the first ones where I had the celeb use my nickname-----you're relaxed to be talking about trivia.
ISIS VISCAYA
In case you missed it, it's that trivia that has, shall we say, gotten you/us into this fine mess.
SMIKE SWANSON
I might have Stan Laurel.......touché; let me get you up to speed, OK?
ISIS VISCAYA
Listening, my head can't possibly hurt any worse, so spare me any fluff.
SMIKE SWANSON
We are business as usual tomorrow; Aaron says that the Feds and the Reds are so preoccupied with each other that Constanza and crew are not even on their radar, just see it as a bonus: the Feds get a gimme collar and the Reds lose some competition. Amazing arrogance.
ISIS VISCAYA
It makes sense in a netherworld kind of way: here we have two ages-old worldviews and their stereotypical minions, Stepforded out on all that Cold War crap; how can they trust any information they get?
SMIKE SWANSON
You have ESP; that's the Italians' MO; you think Dr. Rotweiner would let me audit some of his classes?
ISIS VISCAYA
Hey, not your fault, you've worked for both sides, so they sort of cancelled each other out in your psyche, call it bullshit burnout. Happens all the time, it's what really happens to all their spies and intelligence bozos. After a while, it's a pox on both your houses. And they both deserve it, wasting all those resources shadow-boxing for penile supremacy, really terribly embarrassing to the species, the male version that is. Women have seen through it forever, that's why these freaks are all male.
SMIKE SWANSON
Don't you want to know what's going to happen tomorrow according to American mob Hoyle?
ISIS VISCAYA
Not a Club member, just hustle pool with mid-level gangster management.
SMIKE SWANSON
That hurts; look, the "good" guys----situationally ethically speaking, of course-----are stinging both their adversaries bigtime; selected media types, including the Doc's buddy at 5, will be in attendance with strict rules of engagement: these media assholes may actually stumble into doing the right thing the right way, thanks to a little Mafia influence; I'm sure part of it was exclusive rights to the story from Mario and the Doc.
ISIS VISCAYA
Wait a minute, the Doc needs your OK for that.
SMIKE SWANSON
Hey, even I knew that he knew I want publicity on this thing, best insurance around. I'll waive any privilege and he knew it.
Louie is back, with 10 kinds of analgesic...
LOUIE D'BENZA
For da lady...
ISIS VISCAYA
You know, I'm feeling better already.
LOUIE D'BENZA
Boss says you can go home now; don't want things looking hinky so he wants I should get you back to your car-----we moved it so, if ya was tailed----those fuckers are so lost they will need Sherpa guides to get back to LA in time. Used a identical twin, right down to the plates so when whoever gets two different reports they'll blow it off; Feds ain't looking cause a Aaron an the Russkis are newbies in LA, don't know shit bout the Club.
SMIKE SWANSON
I'll be at the dealership at 8; look for you then.
LOUIE D'BENZA
Hey boss don't do nuttin fore 10, but knock yourself out; shit don't happen till noon anyway:remember, act natural, we're backing you up, cabish?
SMIKE SWANSON
Got lotsa pictures to pack up, wanna get started early.
CUT TO:
INT. LUXURY BANK PENTHOUSE ON WILSHIRE - DAY

scene opens in Bank suite of offices on Wilshire, the latest Russian mob bank acquisition @ less than the disclosable 10% threshold; Tad Shcultz and his newfound friends/backers are wrapping up the latest cash laundry scheme....
MIKHAIL BOROVSKY
Theodore, you have quite a thriving business on your hands, and we are ready to take it, how do you say, to the next level; the publicity has really stoked the buyers volume, mostly in cash!
(He grins)
Obviously, we will make our personnel available to transfer the large amounts daily, for your own protection, you understand.
TAD SCHULTZ
I feel better just knowing your people will be around regularly and, with your new assistance from the Federal establishment, we should be immunized; the fact that you are utilizing an African American whom they fear is the ultimate security: hey, what do they say: "It's all good!"
(Forced Russian laughter who haven't a clue what it means, like Tad)
MIKHAIL BOROVSKY
You are why capitalism wears such a friendly face now that we are partners in progress; Ursula, would you be so kind as to bring us some champagne and Beluga, thank you?
TAD SCHULTZ
I will have Mr. Aaron's share ready for him tomorrow when he arrives shopping for his vehicle, as arranged.
MIKHAIL BOROVSKY
Excellent; ah, here it is; gentlemen, To the beginning of a beautiful friendship! Prost!
TAD SCHULTZ
Hey, you know Casablanca: I can get you some great autographed photos of Bogie and Claude Rains......
MIKHAIL BOROVSKY
We prefer Major Strasser! HAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAA.
CUT TO:
EXT. THEN INT. OF BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP - MORNING


-
scene opens at the dealership, it is 7 am, the place is empty save for "Smike"; he has brought a huge bankers box of photos and memorabilia for Constanza......; he sits at his desk, with an 8x10 of himself, a few years younger, when he had them made up for kicks/gag gifts.....
SMIKE SWANSON
( He mutters aloud as he writes )
To Anthony Rapienza, Too Late for Me, Save Yourself, signed Mike L., Your New/Late Counsel."
(He laughs nervously at his bathetic joke; he puts it aside)
Dials the phone
SMIKE SWANSON (CONT'D)
Hey, Lou, nee Smike here; how ya feeling?
ISIS VISCAYA
(At the safe house; Louie is with her)
Fine, fine; everyone is exhausted, except for Louie, never shuts up. How are things there?
SMIKE SWANSON
Too early to tell; making out some provisional documents.
ISIS VISCAYA
Not a will?
SMIKE SWANSON
No, actually, autographed photos dedicated to my new pals, mostly, and to you.......
ISIS VISCAYA
I like the 3D version, thanks. Look, Louie says-----well, everything, including that you are one safe Jewboy, got you covered; besides, if things go south, he has promised to take me somewhere special "soze to ease da grief a yous bein whacked"----kidding, kidding. Seriously, I like these people, their psychological profiles are healthier than most of the suits in white hats I know of.
SMIKE SWANSON
Not to mention their grammer; look, I can think of worse things than having to say 'fug-ed-a-bowed-it' regularly. I'm peaceful about it; hey, before there were courts there was justice somewhere in the world, it's not just an ideal, it's real, only the law-----remember the harlot----can get in the way even accidentally. So long as there's little or none in or out of court to speak of, I figure I'm hangin with the people who at least don't pretend to be something they're not, cabish?
ISIS VISCAYA
Spoken like a true soldier; besides, they don't hang people anymore.
SMIKE SWANSON
Right, only pack them neatly into 55 gallon drums. Somebody's coming, tell Louie to have his lookouts perk up.
ISIS VISCAYA
I love you, Mike; vaya con Dios. Sign some more pictures, you're the star now. Grande besso.
A kid reporter with another TV outlet has wandered in, SS has forgotten to lock the door........
REPORTER
Hi, I'm Hall Stanley, with ExecNews, the business cable channel; heard there's a big event set for noonish, do you know where we should park the van?
SMIKE SWANSON
(Thinking fast....)
Gee, ya know, good question; can ya have a seat, let me check on something.
(Dialing frantically)
Louie, what the fuck, some Jimmy Olsen fuck is.....
LOUIE D'BENZA
Chill, counselor; we knew we couldn't avoid whaddya call leaks, fucking press; soze, look out your window, you should be seeing his van pullin outta dere now, sorta hijacked; I'll send him a cab. They ain't on the list, so looks like we got some cool equipment for salvage and so forth. Sit tight, we're on the case.'
The reporter is gone via "cab"-----Louie has sent it before SS could react; going for a long ride outta town, in a special cab----cell phones don't seem to work, neither do the inside door handles....
CUT TO:
EXT. MASERATI IS EN ROUTE TO DEALERSHIP - MORNING

scene cuts to the "chase"-----the Maserati is en route to the dealership, with some cocky Russians as passengers; there are two cars following at a distance
DRIVER OF MAZ
You see those guys back there?
SECOND RUSSIAN
Da; pull over, see what happen.
The two cars, with what looks like men and women, pass at normal speed
THIRD RUSSIAN
Fucking tourists from Minnesota; let's go.
The car pulls out; they are playing the Beatles' "Back in the USSR", rocking out, Russian style....half way thru song, car sputters.....
DRIVER
Fucking Italian bitch, what is happening?
SECOND R
We are stopping.
DRIVER
Oh, you think so, you Cossack fuck you.
SECOND R
Hey, not for our ancestors fucking your mothers you not be here, bitch.
THIRD R
(Obviously in charge )
Shut up shitheads; get to the curb. We are out of fucking petrol.
DRIVER
Gauge is on F.
THIRD R
F for Fucking stupid; we are being hijacked; get the shotguns out of trunk.
Just as they realize they have no trunk key and latch won't work without engine running..... the tourists pull up; two Russians have 9mms...
A "woman" with a bullhorn and an Uzi orders them out
WOMAN
(Pulling off wig)
Get the fuck ouda da car; yous guys are dead if you was smoking in there, swear to Christ!
(They get out, dropping guns, seeing they are surrounded )
Jimmy, check the fuckin ashtrays, motherfuck.
THIRD R
Who are you; do you know with who you are fucking?
LOUIE D'BENZA
( wearing conservative tourist clothes white sox included)
It's 'whom' you ignorant commie bastard; can't fucking stand it when immigrants such as yourselves don learn the fuckin language, it's so easy now, what wid audiotapes, every kinda videotape, what the fuck. Onna groun; take off ya shoes and socks, den ya pants.
SECOND R
Why, you going to rape us like KGB?
LOUIE D'BENZA
( laughing with his boyz)
Well, yous are bedda looking dan yuh women, but, no, gonna let the brothers in slam deal with sexual matters, seein as how yous are headed dere; when dey fine out yous was gonna help off one a dere own, figure its bitch time for yous.
DRIVER R
We do not scare by you; we do time in fucking Siberian gulag, fuckers. We kill you good.
LOUIE D'BENZA
Put da chains on em, Jimmy; you so bad, bite true dem an you walk away.
Out the Maz window, Louie, driving, shouts:
LOUIE D'BENZA (CONT'D)
See yous at the U.N., Turd World section; oh, by da way, all your paintins an shit will be protected,....... at the Customs warehouse and FBI evidence lockup, c/o Special Agent Aaron; you'll see your stuff in whaddya call, Court!HAAAHAAA Nuttin personal, jus da way we do things downtown USA. Hey even lefties got rights!
JIMMY
(in car driving off)
Hey, that was a very nice pun.
LOUIE D'BENZA
Why, thank you James, very astude a you ta notice.
CUT TO:
EXT. THEN INT. OF BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP - DAY


GRAND FINALE; ALL PLAYERS ARE CONVERGING ON DEALERSHIP; IT IS 11:30AM; THE RUSSIANS, SATISFIED THAT ALL IS WELL, ARE SENDING OVER THEIR BAG MEN FOR THE PICK UP; TAD SCHULTZ HAS PULLED OUT OF HIS GARAGE, TAILED BY ONE OF AARON'S MEN; AARON IS WITH THE ASSAULT SQUAD OF THE FBI WHO ARE PREPARED TO CARRY OUT THE PLAN THEY BELIEVE HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT; AND THE RAPIENZA CREW, WELL, THEY ARE READY TO CUE THE MEDIA.........CUE MUSIC, 'BEVERLY HILLBILLIES' THEME WITH LYRICS AS SOON AS SMIKE SPIES JED AND JETHRO IN LOT
SMIKE SWANSON
(Looking out to the parking lot; can't believe his eyes, two hicks in a pickup truck have made for the door....)
Jed, Jethro?
JED, AKA UMBERTO
Well, beautiful morning, ain't it? We sure hope its awright to come by wanted to surprise the ladies; you got that car we been wantin?
SMIKE SWANSON
You guys can relax, we're alone.
JETHRO,AKA VINNY
Fuck me, hope nobody from New York is out here, this is very very embarrassing.
JED, AKA UMBERTO
We wasn't spozed ta even been here, figured we was done with this hayseed shit; get a call from Mario sayin we gotta be here to make the fuckin press happy n shit. Christ!
JETHRO, AKA VINNY
First fuckin TV camera in my face um gonna break the bitch; guys in Jersey see dis shit, we might as well be fuckin queer or sumpin disgraceful.
SMIKE SWANSON
Relax; you guys are really good; how the fuck did you learn to put on that accent, really convincing.
(total bullshit)
JED/UMB.
Ya really tink so; cause me an Vinny been thinking, we're pretty fucking good actors, ya know; you're friends wit all dese Hollywood executives an all, right?
JETHRO/VINNY
Yeah, maybe get us a entry-level gig, commercial or sumpin to get our talents in fron a da public.
SMIKE SWANSON
Well, could be, could be-----but, look, that means no busting cameras or faces or ......
JED/UMBERTO
I think I speak for my associate, I mean Jethro
(falling into lousy Southern accent they have been using all along at the Deli and here)
, when I says fuck the guys in Jersey!
SMIKE SWANSON
That's the spirit; now why don't you boys go into my office......
JETHRO/VINNY
An set a spell----
TO UMB./JED
pretty good huh?
(they all smile, especially SS as if he is going to vomit)
Just then, TS shows up with his Russian pals in tow; doesn't think anything of what he sees, expecting weird customers, now that cash is king...
TAD SCHULTZ
(greeting the Clampetts)
Gentlemen, you are in good hands with AllSmike, he's our best!
(keeps walking with his weird Russian friends)
Now it's the Feds turn as they encircle the building
HAROLD AARON
(into his mouthpiece)
Ok, by the numbers; you know the drill; the guy with the hicks is with us, now deploy and clear any changes with me, report in every 5, got it?
he hears acknowledgements and proceeds upstairs quietly with two SWAT guys
CUT TO:
EXT. LAWN AROUND BOUTIQUE BUILDING - DAY

As soon as Aaron and company move upstairs, out of harm's way.....
MATTY MAZONE
(into his mouthpiece)
Awright, boys, work your way up to these SWAT bozos, doin your lawn work, nice an slow....
CUT TO:
INT. SCHULTZ LUXURY BOUTIQUE/DEALERSHIP - DAY

DICK POWELL /CH. 5
(arriving seconds later)
Mr. Swanson, Dr. Rotweiner said I should look you up. What's happening here, SWAT team/ FBI......
SMIKE SWANSON
Why don't you set up your gear near the Mazerati sedan; it will all become clear in a couple of moments.
DICK POWELL /CH. 5
What's with the country boys, having free hotdogs?
SMIKE SWANSON
Hey, I can assure you they are VIPs.
CUT TO MOMENTS LATER:
EXT. BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP IN LA - DAY

SWAT TEAM CO-LEADER
SA Aaron, got some guys, say they're undercover, tellin us ta stand down, unlock & unload....
CUT TO:

INT. BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP IN LA - DAY

HAROLD AARON
Shit! Goddam DEA or locals...hold tight, on my way....
(smiles at his own acting abilities)
CUT TO:
EXT. BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP IN LA - DAY
MATTY MAZONE
(into a closed circuit communicator)
OK, Louie, bring in da cavalry wit press badges blazing!
CUT TO:
INT. SCHULTZ LUXURY BOUTIQUE/DEALERSHIP - DAY

Other press people swarm into showroow, and Mr. Constanza has arrived unnoticed....
HAROLD AARON
Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, may I have your attention: my name is Special Agent in Charge Harold Aaron; I have just ordered, with the help of certain undercover allies, the arrest of Mr./ Tad Schultz, his Russian mobster partners operatives on charges of money laundering; there is an additional charge of drug trafficking, and miscellaneous international smuggling by his Russian 'banker' friends aided and abetted by Mr. Schultz
(he orders the car opened, revealing artworks of various kinds, and drug packages cleverly hidden throughout)
Finally, I hereby place under arrest the SWAT members, who are charged with being co-conspirators in the attempted murder of this Federal Agent.
Pandemonium; during it, after they have been stripped of their weapons featuring cop killer armor piercing ammunition, Constanza and Mazone's independent contractors slowly disappear; some press people have noticed the Clampetts who are there as a diversion/distraction for Constanza & company, and are interviewing them; just then, a limo pulls up with Nancy Sinatra emerging---she is, of course, wearing boots...cueing her hit song, 'These boots are made for walking', loud to soft
EXT. PARKING LOT OF LUXURY BOUTIQUE - DAY

NANCY SINATRA (CAMEO)
Just great! I was looking forward to seeing the collection of photos of my Dad I saw in the LA Times----wouldn't you know it, the press was tipped off I would be here!
(turning to her driver)
Let's go, just don't know why they can't leave me alone.....
CUT TO:
INT. SCHULTZ LUXURY BOUTIQUE/DEALERSHIP - DAY

MARIO CONSTANZA
Hey, Smike, I mean Mike, you got dose pictures we spoke about? Gotta go get Mr. R., don't want to show up empty handed, especially since we gotta forget about da Mazerati for a while.
SMIKE SWANSON
Mike is good, please. Smike took a hike, as in forever. Took off the Smike dedications, per instructions; hope he doesn't expect them dedicated to him.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Nah, not dese; only de udders, from time to time, dat you're gonna procure for me, if you get my drift.
MIKE LOWENSTEIN, FKA SMIKE SWANSON
But Smike is history.
LOUIE D'BENZA
Hey, what's in a name, as Bill Shakespeare toll us, right? Your pictures will, whaddyacall, still look as sweet.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Finally, um getting my money's worth, D'Benza; putz is right: all that matters is to who you autograph it , hey Mike?
LOUIE D'BENZA
Whom.
MARIO CONSTANZA
Good ting the fuckin media is here to cover your ass!
(feigning anger, and gun-pulling gesture----C hugs ML and LD)
Story ends, fading out on Mike Lowenstein phoning Isis to advise his good health......
-30-
MUSIC BUILDS UP, AND IT IS, OF COURSE, Back in the USSR.........
ROLL CREDITS

‘PATSY’ BY J.B. PRAVDA ©

INT. RUSSIAN APARTMENT OF LEE HARVEY OSWALD-EVE.

SEPIA STYLE STATICKY/SCRATCHED LOOK OF B&W FOOTAGE.

Expat. Lee & Marina's Minsk flat, courtesy of her KGB father. They are attempting to make love.
MARINA

Verushka.....
(giggling)
LEE

(Subtitled in Eng.)
......so, is my body language as good as my Russian?

Both are now laughing.
MARINA

.........Lee.....is talking to my body......I am pregnant......


FADE OUT TO BLACK:
EXT. VIRGINIA HOME OF JFK-DAY
John-John is scamping about, with army helmet and gear, playing at war.
SHOT: THERE IS ACTUAL GRAINY FOOTAGE, IN COLOR, TO WHICH BACKGROUND MUSIC ONLY, PERHAPS 'WHEN JOHNNY COMES MARCHING HOME AGAIN'...


CUT TO LATE 1963:
INT. FBI HQ WASHINGTON DC-DAY
The Deputy Director/Operations is getting briefed on LHO; his name is Stanley Kevorkian, bout only his face and title are known to audience now, as the same man in scene in 1981.
SR. SPECIAL AGENT SWANSON

The girls are under wraps........
DEPUTY FOR OPS.

Details.
(curtly)
SAC SWANSON

Mother signed all the custodial dox, agreeing to her....unfitness.
DEPUTY FOR OPS.

(smiling)
No real surprise there, with what she's been through, n'all; what's Marina's status?
SAC SWANSON

Oh, she's comfortable, at least as much as possible after shock treatment; Hell, she turned bright pink, nurses say.........cute little pinko, though, wonder if she's....that pink where it counts?!
(smirking)
DEPUTY FOR OPS.

Get serious, this is nothing to fuck around on, it's goddam National Security shit, don't know who all's behind this thing, Russians, Cubans, Jesus!
She at Bethesda, with the girls?
SAC SWANSON

(chastened)
Affirmative, chief; the older one, she's being transferred to a deep classified site, kinda rebellious.
DEPUTY FOR OPS.

Won't last, those military Joes know how to instill discipline, along with that new LSD shit they've got, she'll be in line soon enough; other one?
SAC SWANSON

Perfect little lady, don't know shit except Mommy and America the Beautiful.
DEPUTY FOR OPS.

Sounds good, just keep me posted.
SAC SWANSON

Oh, one more thing, chief......how should we archive the records, so forth?
DEPUTY FOR OPS.

(perks up clandestinely)
Stamp this one 'P-A-T-S-Y'........
(Open laughter between two)

Matter fact, use that for the girl's ID now on; Hell, even Lee'd of liked that one!



CUT TO 1989:
INT. COCKTAIL PARTY IN NYC UPPER EAST SIDE-EVE.
Patsy has been invited by her boss, an editor at toney publishing house; she doesn't do well in large groups, and neither does another guest, a young Asst. DA; she is extraordinarily beautiful, with an aura of kind vulnerability that attracts all types, young and old....and powerful.
HUGH AUCHINCLOSS

Ah, there you are, my dear, come, I want to make an introduction.
PATSY HUNTINGTON

Oh, do I have to?
(playfully)
HUGH AUCHINCLOSS


This one doesn't bite, at least that's what all the ladies tell me!

They are now at the absolute center of the large formal room, and attention; all eyes seem to gravitate to her---she owns the place, and has become accustomed to it, reluctantly, wherever she goes.

HUGH AUCHINCLOSS


Say hello to John Kennedy, our bid for the future......

Their eyes lock; both stunningly handsome, therefore this is overlooked by each; it's something else drawing them, warming them almost, way deeper than mere romance.

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Very nice to make your acquaintance.
JFKJR

Hugh, she's......so polite.
HUGH AUCHINCLOSS


Yes, must be a New Englander, known for it.
PATSY HUNTINGTON


Add in another three or so regions and you've got it right; Army brat, actually.
JFKJR

Always the new kid, midterm, getting warm?
PATSY HUNTINGTON


Why, yes.....how....do.....
JFKJR

A hunch, intuition, I suppose.
PATSY HUNTINGTON


The one thing a woman doesn't expect in a man.
HUGH AUCHINCLOSS


Ho, ho, ho, Johnny I think you've just been handed your head.

JFKJR

Well, I guess if I must lose it, who better to entrust it to than Ms...... Huntingon, was it?

PASTSY HUNTINGTON


Now I know that you're a New Englander.
HUGH AUCHINCLOSS


Score one for John, afraid everyone alive knows that.
PATSY HUNTINGTON


She has had quite enough of him, and decides to make him push off.

Does this mean that I'm.....a zombie, or maybe even..worse?
JFKJR


And now it's you, my friend, who's headless; would you excuse us?

They retire to a quieter less conspicuous place, as if that is possible.

JFKJR

Don't tell me you voluntarily work for him?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Afraid so; it was the only way I could leave Kansas and come here to OZ.

JFKJR

Making Hugh the Wizard, eh.

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Not exactly, the Wiz actually knew he wasn't a wizard; no, Hugh's more like the Munchkin Mayor, comes up short when he's out of his element.

JFKJR

You're not really from Kansas.....

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Are you sure you're from New England, not polite to ask where a lady's from on the first fencing match.

JFKJR

Touche; what about here, how long have you been in NY?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


About a year, but I know my subways.
JFKJR

I'd like to show you some of the nicer above-grounds spots, that is if your chaperone will consent.

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Why don't you ask him.

JFKJR

I intend to, once I get out from under the Bar exam that=s haunting me.

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Perhaps Hugh the Wise can help you, on both scores; he was wise enough to introduce us.

(looks at watch)

Oh, I must be leaving.

JFKJR

I'll reach you through the wiz then, good night.

Hugh drifts back over, having watched them from afar.

HUGH AUCHINCLOSS


My, my, someone made quite an impression.

JFKJR

Where, how.... did you find her? I feel as though I....know her, have met her before, sometime, somewhere.

HUGH AUCHINCLOSS


(crooning)

Pretty 'pat' line, my boy--- 'deja vu, could you be the ...dream that I once knew...'
(JFKJR punches him)

Oh, nothing spectacular really, just close to a couple of the more influential Fates; she's something, eh; don't have a clue about her background, too busy with the foreground.

JFKJR

Foreplay, at your age?

HUGH AUCHINCLOSS


(pensive)

Funny thing, though, her recommendations were all doctors and a high-ranking diplomat from overseas, England I think.

JFKJR


Well, I guess army brats do get sick, tend to get around the world too. Night, Hugh.



FLASHBACK TO 1981:
INT. CHIEF OF PSYCHIATRY AT MILITARY HOSPITAL-DAY
Dr. Sokolov, a third generation White Russian descendant, married to J.Edgar Hoover's favorite niece, is sitting with Patsy H. On her 20th birthday; all the hardliners are dead or dying and she has charmed everyone who has cared for her.

DR. SOKOLOV


Happy birthday, Patsy.
(hands her envelope)

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Is this what I think it is!?

DR. SOKOLOV


Yes, I have final approval for your release----you are fully healed, my dear, as well as science can make you.
PATSY HUNTINGTON


(Hugs him)

I love you!

DR. SOKOLOV


(Choked up)

And I, you; we have never had such a bright, charming patient as you, and that is a long period of time. Since we are celebrating your birth, or should I say re-birth, I have more good news: you have been accepted to Colgate!

Now, the first year is probationary, as your early educational records are irregular, but it's a full scholarship.

PATSY HUNTINGTON


I'll never forget you, Dr. S-OK! That's what I always heard from you, 'iS OK', whenever I'd get nervous, or afraid.

DR. SOKOLOV


Patsy, my best advice to you is this: go out and make new memories, and forget about any unpleasantness these last few years.

Now, I don't wish to upset you, but there is a man here to see you; do you remember Mr. Kevorkian?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


I've never even heard that strange name, who is he?

DR. SOKOLOV


He has come all the way from England to see you, how about it?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


If you think I should.

DR. SOKOLOV


Yes, I do. Come.

MR. STANLEY KEVORKIAN


Hello, Patsy, do you know me?

(Looks at Sokolov)

She nods her head yes.


'Mr. Huntington', right? I know you, young lady; look at you, all grown up. I knew your parents, Patsy and, well, I had something to do with your coming here, being here all this time. You see, that was a dangerous time, back then, and, the times, its people not always knowing the right thing. That's why I'm here, to make sure the right thing gets done, finally.

PATSY HUNTINGTON


So you had me kept here all this time?

MR. KEVORKIAN


Please try and understand, it was.....necessary, for many reasons, all of which I don't myself fully understand, may never understand; there is too much we didn't know, still don't know. The important thing is that I have written you a letter as Ambassador to Britain which should open many doors for you in the future, something you have so much of.
(Looks at watch)
I must go now, but please try and remember years from now that we spoke, that I tried to make things right. Goodbye.

(Kisses her forehead)




CUT TO:
SHOT: THIS IS A CRUCIAL DREAMLIKE SEQUENCE OF IMAGES IN KEVORKIAN'S HEAD, ALBEIT HE IS FULLY AWAKE; SITTING IN HIS LIMO HEADING AWAY FROM HIS JUST ENDED VISIT; THERE IS ONLY THE FOLLOWING TUNNELIZED/ECHOING DIALOGUE.





JUMP CUT TO:

INT. STERILE WARD AT MASS GENERAL 1938-DAY
SHOT: WE SEE BLURRY IMAGES OF JOE & ROSE KENNEDY; HE IS GIVING HER COLD COMFORT AS TO HIS DECISION TO HAVE THEIR SEVERELY RETARDED DAUGHTER LOBOTOMIZED, THE LATEST TECHNIQUE IN THE TREATMENT OF THE SUPPOSED >MAD=; IT IS TRULY MEDIEVAL, WE ONLY SEE A SHADOWY SILHOUETTE OF THE DR. USING HAMMER AND BLUNT INTSTRUMENT APPLIED TO HER NASAL SINUSES. WE SEE VIA ZOOM SHOT ONTO HIS FACE LITTLE STAN KEVORKIAN AS BOY WITH FATHER WAITING TO VISIT DYING MOTHER.

NURSE ATTENDANT


Mr. Kevorkian, you may see her now.




JUMP CUT TO:
INT. SIMILAR WARD OF MILITARY HOSPITAL 1963-DAY
SHOT: YOUNG 'PATSY HUNTINGTON' (OSWALD) IS UNDERGOING A SIMILAR PROCEDURE, BUT THIS ONE IS BOTCHED BY THE DR. WHO SAYS NOTHING FOR FEAR OF LOSING HIS POSITION/REPUTATION, PERHAPS HIS LIFE.

NURSE ATTENDANT


Dr., she's almost....ready; are you absolutely certain we must do this, perhaps the shock therapy might......
SURGEON


I have my orders, nurse, now please don't make it more difficult for me!

He hides a syringe he has just administered to his left arm, a tranquilizer, to calm his shaking hands.



JUMP CUT TO DAYS POST SURGERY:
While botched, by dumb luck the surgeon has somehow affected her long term memory, she having none of her parents or anyone named JFK; sleeping dogs are left to lay. She must be reeducated from square one, although her cognition is fine.

SURGEON


(Dictating report)
'.....And all known measurement criteria indicate conclusively that she has been successfully.....(pauses) relieved of the 'tumor' which had been seen as such a threat by the military medical team; there is every reason to believe that she may lead a normal productive life, with no fear of recurrence of said cause for disease.

Recommend, however, that she be observed indefinitely in similar facilities while allowing for tutorial education'.



CUT TO 1999:
INT. RECEPTION FOR NEW BRITISH CONSUL FOR NY-EVE.
Jackie Onassis has seen to it that her son and his new lady friend are invited to the affair; he has passed the Bar and has had more time for this unusual friendship.
ALISTAIR SYNJOHN-SMYTHE


Mr. Kennedy certainly seems to have found another ingenious way of diverting attention from his person, I must say, she's absolutely smashing; who on Earth is she, some minor princess?

HOSTESS


The truth is no one knows; works at D.P. Dunton & Sons but as far as anyone I know she might just as well be one of their fascinating works of fiction!

(Polite guffawing)

ALISTAIR SYNJOHN-SMYTHE



Well, I simply must meet her.....strictly business, of course.

HOSTESS


Certainly, it wouldn't do to offend our particular Princess, mmm?

(Catty purring)

HOSTESS


My dear, may I present HRH's commercial delegate to our little corner of the galaxy, Hon. Consul, Ms......

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Patsy....Huntington.

ALISTAIR SYNJOHN-SMYTHE



Enchante, madam; may I ask, by any chance would that be the Huntington's of.......

PATSY HUNTINGTON


I do doubt it, you see, I'm a test tube baby, anonymous donors.

ALISTAIR SYNJOHN-SMYTHE


(Taken back) I say, how completely droll........marvelous, simply socko!

JFKJR


Alistair, is this woman....bothering you?

ALISTAIR SYNJOHN-SMYTHE


Only in the way one wishes; no, I was just inquiring as to her family name, when I got zapped by her wit; tell me, my dear, your first name, who, then might have selected it for you----the only reason I ask, other than to enjoy your next witticism, is that old man Kevorkian, wonderful chap he, when at St. James, made mention of that name often, as if it were some sort of code or something----that it, are you a spy?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


And if I were, would you expect a straightforward reply, Alistair?

JFKJR


(Seeks to rescue her)

Sorry, old boy, she's top secret, needed for debriefing; excuse us.



CUT TO:
SHOT: DRAMATIC PULL-BACK FROM MANHATTAN INTO FUZZY UNFOCUSED GALACTIC SHOT OF MILKY WAY
EXT. STRANGE ATTRACTOR COSMIC CONSTRUCT-OUTSIDE TIME
SHOT: MELANGE OF B/W TV TRANSMISSIONS, BLURRED WITH 'STARMAN'-LIKE FX WITH AUDIO FEATURING ELECTRONIC TECHNO MUSIC SOUNDS SEEMING 'RANDOMLY' TO COALESCE INTO MUSIC WITHOUT HUMAN FACTOR EVIDENT......A BBC WORLD NEWS REPORT IS HEARD OF UNKNOWN VINTAGE/DATE.
V.O.

(staticky)
....... the famed Irish physicist Sir John Bell died today at the age of .....(static)...... 'Bell's Theorem' , laboratory work inspired by one of Einstein's famous thought experiments and proved conclusively that when any two entities are stimulated at the subatomic, invisible level, though separated by(static) millions of light years in space, they are somehow 'aware' of the same identical effects instantaneously.....(static) this discovery, known as 'entanglement', is said to be the greatest mystery in the study of the physical universe.......in other news......



FADE TO BLACK.
INT. NEAT MANHATTAN APARTMENT OF 'PATSY' HUNTINGTON-EVE
TALKING HEAD REELING OFF EXCITEDLY REDUNDANT, SEMI-LITERATE ANNOUNCEMENT OF JFKJR.'S PLANE REPORTED MISSING
It is two weeks later; Patsy drops a lovely floral vase, given to her by John.
SLOW MOTION DISINTEGRATION WITH APPROXIMATE SOUND OF REVERBERATING GUN SHOT.
Patsy finds a seat on the floor, in the corner where the vase rested, dazed, confused.

MELANGE OF JUMBLED NON-CHRONOLOGIC MEMORY FRAGMENTS, EXCLUDING ANYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH JFK, ETC. RELATED TO HER PARTIAL LOBOTOMY'S EFFECTS.

She is unblinking, and tears stream down her cheeks. We hear a neighbor pounding at her door.

NEIGHBOR (O.S.)


Pat, you ok, Pat, it's....me, open up, have you heard..........



FADE TO WHITE.
INT. BELLEVUE TRAUMA CLINIC-EVE.
Patsy's neighbor has found her catatonic and has called 911; they have taken her to NYC's famed 'bonkers bin'. Patsy has been unresponsive, yet conscious; the assigned pyschiatrist, a German-American woman with a thick accent, late 40's, has entered the semi-private ward.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Patsy,....
(looks at chart)

Can you hear me?

(waves light before eyes)

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Where......

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


You are safe, with friends; do you wish to speak now, or get some more rest?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Please.....don't go, I....need to talk with....someone; is he, have they......

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Your friend, Mr. Kennedy.....they don't know, yet, my dear, zey have called off ze search until dawn, I'm afraid.

(faintly sighs)

I knew his father.....zat is, I shook his hand, so my parents told me, when just a little girl, in West Berlin.....such a lovely man, troubling himself with German.

PATSY HUNTINGTON


His father was German?

(still dazed)

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


You poor dear, your mind needs rest, it is clear to me.

PATSY HUNTINGTON


(screaming)


NOOO!

An aide rushes in having heard her down the hall.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


(motions aide away)

Fine, it's fine, if you wish, we shall talk some more; do you recall what we spoke of just then?
Probing for cognition, deep mental faculties, etc.
PATSY HUNTINGTON


Germany. You were a small girl, in West Germany.....

Impressed by her precise recall, Dr. Enstein decides to probe further, deeper.


DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Just so; tell me, Patsy, what else do you remember?

PATSY HUNTINGTON

Hospital, like this one, in Texas, I think......the doctors wore uniforms.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

Like mine, white; we all must wear zem.....
(cut off)
PATSY HUNTINGTON

Military, I mean; with the white coats over them, you see?

The shrink is somewhat puzzled and decides to ask more pointed questions about Patsy's past.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Patsy, where are you from, are your parents alive?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


I don't...know; Kansas, maybe, that's what we joked about, Jo.....

(begins to tear,cry)


DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


And you sink it was Texas, a military base, perhaps, where your father worked, um? You, know, zat is where I met my husband, on a military installation in Frankfurt, he was an Air Force doctor, so handsome.

She is seeking to engage at a woman to woman level, jog Patsy's recollection with a friendly uniform imagery.

PATSY HUNTINGTON


My father....was a tall man, he worked for the government, I think, but he didn't wear a uniform; he taught me things, just like a teacher, but there was no....school to go to, only a big room in the Hospital, I think.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

(intrigued)

What sorts of things did he teach you, this Mr. Huntington...your father?

PATSY HUNTINGTON

All sorts of things.....

(memory coming back)

Where I was born, things like that. He showed me my birth certificate, with the hour, the day, how much I weighed.....

(flashback)

WE 'SEE' IN HER FUZZY BRAIN A DOCUMENT, VERY OFFICIAL LOOKING, WITH BLURRY NAMES, SIGNATURES FOR 'MOTHER'/'FATHER'; EVEN THE STATE IS BLURRY.

Now seeking to examine Patsy's range/depth of awareness, memory, she shifts gears abruptly.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Did.....John ever speak about his parents with you?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


(insight)
Yes, well, only his mother, Jackie, the 'Queen', something like that, I think he called her, why?

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

Simple curiosity;

(misdirection)

You're sure he never spoke of his father?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Neither of us, really; we weren't comfortable with it, I suppose, now that I think about it. Maybe he didn't get along with him, or something like that.

(sitting up erect, suddenly)

Didn't you say....that you knew his, in Germany, as a child?

Patsy is almost hyperventilating, her pulse is racing on the monitor.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

Yes, but I was so small.

Dr. Enstein does not wish to pursue this matter, it surmising that Patsy has somehow never heard of or has no memory of JFK, either as a girl or a woman; she is concerned for her stability if she pursues this amazing revelation further, now.

PATSY HUNTINGTON


What are you not telling me, did John's father do something to....was he involved in his accident?

Dr. Enstein administers a sedative through Patsy's IV and watches her fade out of consciousness, exhaustedly.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

We shall find out....everything, I will promise you zat, now get some rest; I'm on call tonight and will be at your side often.

Dr. Enstein leaves and goes to a private office to phone her husband, about military hospitals in Texas and Kansas.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Hello, darling; do you still have contacts in the Air Force?




FADE TO BLACK.
INT. BBC WORLD NEWS STUDIOS-EVE.
The evening broadcast is commencing, the day of JFKJR.'s disappearance; an elderly Stan Kevorkian, now retired from the Foreign Service, is dozing in his armchair at his London club, having elected to stay on in Britain for reasons of his own, mostly his distate for the American gotcha media snoops; he now consults with a London subsidiary of a NY think tank.
V.O. ANCHORWOMAN

There is still no confirmation, but sources at the scene in Martha's Vineyard, on America's Cape Cod are indicating that the legendary former President's son's plane may have failed to respond to his efforts to control it in an unprecedented instance of heavy, luminous fog-like haze; all efforts at recovery and rescue have been susupended for the night; a stunned world looks on in horror.......we shall keep you advised of any further details.....

(volume muted)

STANLEY KEVORKIAN

(dialing phone)

Yes, Charles, get me Washington, please.

His old companion, paranoia, deserved in his case, has paid a sudden visit in his 80th year.



FADE OUT.
INT. DR. ENSTEIN'S HOME-NIGHT

Her husband, now head of a prestigious research facility in New York, funded by tax dollars, is on the phone with his wife.

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN


Well, it has been awhile, but, lately we've been onto some general work for the Army. The liaison may be able to get me access...what's this all about?

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


It's got to do with a curious case that came in out of the blue, yesterday; never seen this sort of memory problem before.
What are you doing for the Army and, do you think they could help with other branches of the service, if necessary?

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN


Sorry, all I can give you is name, rank, serial number, you know the drill.....

(cut off)
DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Yes, yes, but that may be all I need, you see; besides, 've have ways of making you talk'!

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN

(smiling)

Well, I'll see what I can do; when will I see you?

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


The usual, tomorrow for dinner.

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN

(surprised)

What happened to your rank, aren't you still Department Head, what's usual about an all nighter?

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Relax, I volunteered with this one, made a promise, you see; besides, this is Bellevue, remember?

(smiles)

Got a pen?

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN


Go ahead.
(writing)

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


And, darling, try and keep it hush-hush, I have a weird feeling about this, spelled 'government'.

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN


I spell it with a 'p', as in paranoia....this is 1999.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


What's the expression: 'just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that someone's not out to get you.'

They both end the call laughing, exchanging kisses.



CUT TO:
INT. NSA 'BIG EAR' CONTROL CENTER-DAY
It is two days later; the buzz is buzzing and communications are being monitored, compliments of the National Security State Handbook, co-authored by one Stan Kevorkian.

PLAYBACK (O.S.)


'Look, I don't care who has to authorize it; in the old days we didn't kid ourselves about who the enemy was. Now I know he's retired, hell so am I, but do I have to contact Old Bellows on this one?'

THE REPLAY STOP BUTTON IS PUSHED BY A UNIFORMED HAND.

COL. QUISLER


Now you know what I do: Kevorkian calls us from jolly old England less than jolly and wants action taken on this Kennedy thing.
SGT. KENT


Sir, begging your pardon, may I speak freely?

(gets nod)

This is nuts, all we need is for the media to find us blinking on this and it's Oliver Stone-d interview marathon time!

COL. QUISLER


I read you; look, chances are the Court will throw this thing out on its ear, pardon the expression. Anyway, we've got our orders to go to alert status, sub rosa, of course, until this request he's talking about from some Doctor in NYC gets checked out; got anything yet from the Joint Chiefs liaison?

SGT. KENT


That's a negatory, Sir;
my counterpart says it's probably some veteran's claim deal, nothing to get in a twist about, should know by 0900 tomorrow.

COL. QUISLER


Alright, let's get back to work; stay on this thing, priority, just the same: my old man was in Nam with his kid, so it's a family thing.

SGT. KENT


Manson family?

(smiling, shaking head)

COL. QUISLER


Make that Kennedy----the family that keeps on giving....us grief, as in won't go away.

SGT. KENT

Don't know sir; looks like that might just have happened, huh?

COL. QUISLER


We'll see, now won't we.
(walks off on cell phone)




CUT TO TWO WEEKS LATER:

INT. PRIVATE THERAPY LAB/OFFICE OF DR. ENSTEIN-EVE
The walls are sound proof and otherwise high tech; equipment and computer monitoring devices dominate one wall, the rest is dimly lit, with a proverbial leather couch on which we find Patsy Huntington, or, someone with that label.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

You are quite sure you wish to continue, to go ahead with zis regression therapy?

PATSY HUNTINGTON

Dr......
(cut off)
Herme
(smiles)

You have been very good to me, what with sticking your neck out on my medical records and, you know, not bullshitting me; I'm very ready, I've been waiting all my life to know just what I may have been through.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Very well, the first thing we do is dispense with this 'Patsy', um?
(smiling)
You are......someone, and we are going to find out, as long as it takes, alright?

(gets nod, smile)

Do you have any questions before we begin to regress, slowly of course?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Only one: am I, are placing you in any danger?

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Not as long as my husband.....you remember what I told you about his status with certain sources?

(gets nod)
As we have discussed, hypnosis is a fascinating, rather proven method of probing the so-called unconscious, some call it the subconscious, the terms are most imprecise, as is our understanding of ze brain, period; but, very few people, even scientist understand ze quantum physics, even though it makes their cell phones, their faxes and zer computers function, yes?!
(laughing)

Goot, now; remember what I have told you: zis 'trance' state, it is something we have all experienced whenever time seemed to fly, we were so engrossed or, driving along, suddenly you realize zat you were not consciously aware of the last two turns you made off the highway....and ze were correct!

PATSY HUNTINGTON

There is one thing, please, before we begin? Will I....remember...doing this, I mean, will I believe the results?

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

You won't need to; we are recording everything; now, close your eyes...drifting back, through a long tunnel of light, drifting toward that event, that place where you, the little girl I now see on the life movie screen....

Patsy seems to turn her head in unison toward imaginary screen.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


And, it will feel almost as if you're reliving that experience again, thinking and feeling as you felt and thought then; allow your unconscious mind to take you back to that event, and, when you're there, your 'yes' finger will float up to signal me.

Patsy's 'yes' finger is active.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Tell me, where are you, and what is happening?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


...in a hallway....don't want to....don't want...

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Tell me, what is upsetting you, who is talking to you?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


A mean person....nurse, I don't like her...and the doctor is mean, his hands shake....



JUMP CUT TO:

INT. COLD O/R MILITARY HOSPITAL WARD-DAY
THE QUALITY OF THE VISUAL IS DREAMLIKE, FUZZY.
Patsy is being placed in restraints, struggling.

SURGEON

(slurs words)

You must get her properly shed...shed-dated!

ATTENDING NURSE

Are you alright, doctor?

SURGEON


Never better.....why?

He sees that he is hardly believed, or believable.

SURGEON


Look, dammit, you think this is easy, do you? Let's just get on with it, alright?!

Patsy is given anesthesia mask, still struggling.

SURGEON

We are behind schedule----orders are orderzzz......
(slurring)
ATTENDING NURSE


(miffed)

Ya, vol, Herr Doktor!

She is glaring at him; he prematurely inserts a probe into her nasal sinus cavity, ready with the stainless ballpeen mallet, tapping when.....

PATSY HUNTINGTON

(jerks head)

SURGEON


Dammit....there, that should do it......

Patsy is now motionless, eyes fluttering still open, staring at him.






JUMP CUT TO:
INT. DR. ENSTEIN'S LABORATORY OFFICE-DAY
A strange hissing sound comes out of Patsy's mouth, wide open, appearing to scream, but a small noise is all that is emitted.

PATSY HUNTINGTON

(shrieking, quietly)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!



CUT TO:


EXT. ENSTEIN'S HUSBAND'S OFFICE BLDG. MANHATTAN-EVE
It is that night, and she is shaken by what transpired today; she has asked to meet him for dinner out.

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN

Hello, darling, what's wrong?

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

Just about everything, I'm afraid.....

(dazed look)

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN

That bad? Come on, my treat, Four Seasons.



CUT TO 1/2 HOUR LATER:

INT. FOUR SEASONS RESTAURANT-EVE

The doctors are in----deep conversation about a certain mystery patient, now taking on added dimensions of concern.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

(discreetly whispers)
....and the reaction was the most vivid I have seen in years to childhood trauma---she literally came out of her deep trance, simulating vocal paralysis of some kind.

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN


And you were using the Ericksonian protocols, metaphors, the whole bit?
DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Yes; I tell you, this is very spooky---as a scientist, I must have her medical records to even dare to induce her again, period.

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN

Well, that's maybe where we agree on the 'spookiness' factor----I'm getting nada, zippo, like she never existed, Patsy or any other ID. Look, are you sure.....

(cut off)

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Ed, I'm reading your mail, ok; yes, she, in my clinical opinion, had never heard of JFK, the Berliner speech, none of it!

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN

(perks up)

Got an idea---ever read a PET scan, 'fMIR' think they're called?

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

Heard of PET, but, no, trouble enough keeping up with my own field---that's neurology, right?

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN


Now, I'm no expert, but it's my understanding that it's pretty useful in checking for lesions, any so-called 'knock-out' effects, that sort of thing; if there's no brain disease per se, should be useful.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Any help I can get....can you spare one of your researchers, say for a couple of hours or so?

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN

(smiling wryly)

Your place or mine?

Hermione has blown him a kiss, beaming ear to ear; she is still not satisfied, however.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

Edward.....

(cut off)

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN


Uh, oh, not good, sense your ethics nodes, firing wildly....

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Just one more thing: can we try again, from a different angle, on her records?

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN

(rubs temples,squinting)
Maybe there is one more avenue, but, sweetheart, gotta have your promise not to share anything with anyone, capish.....you know the Federal mafia, could be bad for my career.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Cross my heart......thanks, love, this one's got her hooks in me, there's something about her.....

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN


Seems to me I've had that feeling before....

(smiles)

Remember?


FADE OUT.
INT. NONDESCRIPT OFFICE AT MILITARY HOSPITAL TEXAS-EVE
The Colonel in charge of the base hospital, usually reserved for pschye patients from all branches, is working overtime, shredding documents.

ADJUTANT ASSISTANT

Sir, we've still got another box, or two....

(looks at clock)

COL. DRESSLER

Can't help it, Suzi; not having any smoking guns on my watch. Hell's bells, this stuff shoulda been shipped or stripped long time ago. And they say the old timers were careful---just didn't have all this electronic 24/7 doubting Thomas crap to deal with's all.
ADJUTANT ASSISTANT

The request from the Surgeon General was very specific, I think....we should give them....something, you know, to...

COL. DRESSLER


Don't let's go that route, now, missy, whatever happened to by the book,just do or die, hey? Who's this guy think he is, doesn't have jurisdiction over military anyway.

ADJUTANT ASSISTANT


Spell that 'Senator Gambol', as in his brother in law, as in....

COL. DRESSLER


Yeah, yeah, appropriations; let's finish in the morning, I guess; all's they're gettin from me is some harmless files, this all that's left?

ADJUTANT ASSISTANT


Yes, in this one banker's box---where do you want this box in the meantime?

COL. DRESSLER


In my staff car trunk, I guess. Go on home......



JUMP CUT TO:
EXT. OFFICER'S CLUB ON BASE-NIGHT


The Colonel has repaired to the Club, and a Canadian Club, or two.....he is driving to his home, off base, his driver having been sent home earlier.
COL. DRESSLER

(decides to run yellow light)

Holy shit!


HE COLLIDES WITH A LARGE PICKUP TRUCK, WITH THE PAINTED SIGN: KENNEDY BROS. WRECKER SERVICE, INC., 'STUCK? UP THE CREEK? WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED!' DRESSLER IS UNCONSCIOUS, TAKEN TO BASE HOSPITAL, HAVING BEEN RELEASED BY CITY COPS TO MPS, WINK, WINK. ANOTHER KENNEDY TRUCK IS TOWING HIS CAR AWAY.




CUT TO A WEEK LATER:

INT. DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN'S OFFICES-DAY
She is conferring with her husband's staffer about the fMRI results.

DR. SHELDON GRANT


No doubt about it, shows clear trauma to one of the frontals....funny thing, though, also shows signs of self-repair, very little scarring.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Is this something that could result from falling off a bicycle, or....a slap to the face?

DR. SHELDON GRANT


Definitely not; no, this is invasive.....surgical.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Are you thinking what I'm th.....

DR. SHELDON GRANT


Lobotomy, very poorly executed, thank God; really looks more like the remnant of a case of viral encephalitis. I don't know if this hack should get a medal or ....prosecuted.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


I give him the medal, and with dishonor; my husband said that the chain of command goes all the way into the O/R......Jesus!

DR. SHELDON GRANT


Reminds me of the Kennedy autopsy, real farce.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


At least he was.....
(glint in eye)
Dead......the poor child....
DR. SHELDON GRANT


Looks like somebody had similar plans for your patient; cognitive death, at any rate. While we're on the subject, I was...never...

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

Here; yes, of course; thank you so very much.




FADE TO BLACK.

INT. DR. ENSTEIN'S LABORATORY OFFICE-EVE
It is several days later; Patsy seems to have fully recovered from her 'freak out' early childhood regression session.

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Morning....Herme, I'm feeling much better and I want you to know I'm more determined than ever; John.....I mean, a part of me----what am I trying to say?----is already, already gone, I'm not willing to let go of anything else, ever again. Am I making any sense?

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


You mustn't be too hard on yourself, trying to make sense of it consciously----zat is only one of many 'mini-minds' which you, we, possess; let the others do their part, these deeper resources that do not rely on the five editorial senses; that is where this now missing part of you still....lives, yes?

PATSY HUNTINGTON

I know, somehow, you're right.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


And it is that 'somehow' that we will now revisit, now, OK.....good.

She dims the lights considerably, engaging soft ethereal music.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


And gently allow your eyelids to close... And just begin to allow yourself to relax... Letting all your cares and worries go... And at this moment in time... Nothing matters... As you switch off your thoughts... And just allow this time for yourself... So that you can unwind completely...

And as you begin to feel more and more relaxed... Letting go of any worries or problems... That may have been on your mind lately... And there is no need to fight any unwanted negative thoughts... As they will soon drift out of your mind again... Just as easily as they came... I would like you to take a couple of deep breaths ... Slowly filling your lungs with fresh air...

And as you exhale ... You will relax more and more... With every outbreath...
And as you gently slow your breathing down... You begin to feel more and more relaxed... More and more comfortable... You will feel your whole body sinking into the couch/chair...

And you will notice how relaxed your whole body has become... From the top of you head... To the tips of your toes... Your eyelids have become very heavy... (and may even twitch at this moment... As you let go of any tension in your body...)

And all the muscles in your jaw have become limp and relaxed... As your jaw sinks down... And your tongue rest gently on the bottom of your mouth... And you are beginning to drift down deeper and deeper... Feeling more and more relaxed with every word I speak... And as this wave of relaxation spreads down your neck and shoulders... And all the way down your arms to your fingertips... You may feel a tingling sensation in your fingertips...

As your arms grow as heavy as lead... And you soon become aware of a growing peaceful feeling inside... A feeling of calmness and contentment... As you feel every muscle in your chest and abdomen... Become limp and relaxed... And all the muscles in your back are relaxing... Almost like a mental massage... And all the way down your spine... The muscles loosen and relax... And as you drift down deeper and deeper relaxed... You let this wave of relaxation spread all the way down your legs... So that your legs become as heavy as lead... And every muscle in your legs becomes limp and relaxed... So that you are completely relaxed from the top of your head...
To the tips of your toes...

you are a young woman of 20, just arrived at university, Colgate, in New York state; do you enjoy your studies?

PATSY HUNTINGTON

(giggles)
My favorite toothpaste......he teases me about it....yes, but, not as much as I wanted to be there, physically....I feel unlike the other women, girls really, more like a guy, he says I have to be strong, inside. Boys want to know me but they're not like.....John.....


Dr. Enstein is encouraged that her change of tack as to Patsy's older age may be bearing fruit.


DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

And, who is this 'John', a new friend?

PATSY HUNTINGTON

No.....yes, well, not exactly new.....I've seen him, in my head; he always calls me 'Jane', like Jane Doe & I tease him about 'John', you know, Doe, too.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


What do you say to John, and he to you?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Nothing, not in words, anyway; we just know.....things without talking.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


What sorts of things?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


He is sad, deep down, trys not to think about why.....I think I used to know, but I don't.....now, I'm not sure.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Is he sad....about his father?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


I don't know.....I think he doesn't like him because he

(slight giggle)

Can't understand him when he talks!

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

What is his father's name?

PATSY HUNTINGTON

(giggles)
He makes fun of it----- 'it's Greek to me' he always says.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


And what about John's mother, what is her name?

PATSY HUNTINGTON

'The Goddess'----he worships her; maybe she's Greek too....he teases me that she has powers, supernatural powers.

(slight giggle, smile)

Dr. Enstein detects Patsy's body language as a possible deep insight on her part.

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Why....does John have...two fathers? I know....that he doesn't tell me, but I know....how do I know?
DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

Is someone else telling you this?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Yes!.....a friend---she tells me about John, that he's famous....I don't want to tell her it's another John, don't want to hurt her feelings. Mine isn't famous: no one at school's ever even seen him but me!

(nervous laugh)

They do look alike though; maybe they're brothers or ....something....

(brow furls)

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Do you think that John's parents are seperated......divorced?
PATSY HUNTINGTON

Maybe....except, whoever his first father is, he never talks about him; he has his picture, though.


Dr. Enstein senses that it will be alright to be bolder still, showing her a famous Presidential photo with Jackie.


DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

(watches EEG, etc.)

Who are these people?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


That's him.....and her!

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Do you recognize anything else, anything at all?

PATSY HUNTINGTON

Well, yeah, the flag, behind him. He was the President, anyone knows that.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Do you study history at college?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


I'm exempt, already had college level tutoring; I learned all about him, how he....died, everything.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


How does he die, who told you?

PATSY HUNTINGTON

(emotionless,robotic)

He was shot, my tutor told me. That's maybe why John is sad, at least partly, I know it.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

Who shot him?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


They're not really sure, no one knows for sure, will ever know......but I know: it was Oswald.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

(somewhat stunned)

Who is your father?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Duh....Mr. Huntington; he's dead, ,too----he was a war hero, in VietNam.

It has dawned on Dr. Enstein, of course, that Patsy 'knows' about JFK, was not simply left to medical or any other kind of chance but has been severely brainwashed.


DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Is there anything else you've been told about John, or his first father?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Oh, sure......he was....

(Stepfordian tone)

Soft on Communism. I know that's another reason John is so sad...and won't say anything about...him.


Dr. Enstein decides to push a bit further.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

Who teaches you about this, before college, I mean?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


My stepfather----he calls himself Huntingon, he says, to make things....easier on me. He visits me, just before coming here to college.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


And what does he tell you then?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


How he always wants the best for me, and things like that----because things were so.....confused after John's first father was.....killed.
(strange smile)
I don't tell him about John, though.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

Oh, why not?

PATSY HUNTINGTON


John asked me...not to.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


(eureka moment)

I think this is a good place to stop.

PATSY HUNTINGTON


Yes, I have class in a few minutes.

(looks at 'watch')

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


When I count to five... you will be wide awake...feeling good...One...your beginning to come back...Two... feel the energy start flowing through your body...

Three.., moving your fingers and toes... (repeat)... more and more awake...feel the energy running through your body more now...

Four... breathe in wakeful energy... that's right... breathe in wakeful energy... clearing your head... balancing your energies... feeling wonderful in every way...

Five.., open your eyes... fully coming back... fully back... wide awake... that's right...wide awake.

FADE OUT.
EXT. KENNEDY BROS. IMPOUND LOT-NIGHT
The watchman at the towing yard has been approached by a young man, seemingly from 'nowhere', who looks amazingly like JFKJR.---lost on him but not audience---, wearing sweat clothes, talking Texan.

YOUNG MAN

Howdy.....you folks been havin some real excitement round here, I heard tell.

WATCHMAN

Well, yeah....
(stops self)
Hey, who are you.....newsman or somethin?

YOUNG MAN


No, not exactly.....did some magazine work back East, but.....

WATCHMAN


Whaddya want here?!

YOUNG MAN


Oh, heard about some big wig Army fella had quite a crack up.

WATCHMAN


(sucked in)

Surely, did, by God----I heared he was DUI, but it'll never get out----they's already coverin her up. Say, you one of them under cover types fer the Army, ya know, like ole Johnny Travoltage in that there movie, 'General's Sex Fiend', some such?!

(codger laugh/cough)

YOUNG MAN


You....might say that; I am very interested, especially bout pretty women, one in particular.

WATCHMAN


(self-impressed)

Souns like what he woulda said, alright.

YOUNG MAN


Suppose you're right....mind if I have a look around?

(goes for ID)

WATCHMAN


OK by me----doan wanna be ob-struction justiss, ya know; She's over yonder---all covered up----under that there tarp; they'se spoz ta've got her hours ago, them motor pool boyz.

YOUNG MAN


(moving away)

You're a good man; you have a good night, alright.



FADE TO BRIGHT WHITE:
INT GULFSTREAM CORPORATE JET-DAY
Kevorkian, aka 'Huntington', aka Deputy Dir. Of Ops./FBI, aka former Ambassador to Great Britain, is en route to the States; he wants to insure that his instructions via NSA regarding certain records have been followed; it is too late, by Fate.

STANLEY KEVORKIAN

(into airphone)
Has he come out of it?
ADJUTANT ASSISTANT

Yessir, still a little groggy, though. When do you arrive?

STANLEY KEVORKIAN


Never mind any escort

(sotto voce)

servicing, feel like that's all I've been doing for forty some years.......
ADJUTANT ASSISTANT


Begging your pardon, sir, didn't catch that.....breaking up.....

STANLEY KEVORKIAN


Forget it; just have him ship shape when I get there, ready to debrief.

ADJUTANT ASSISTANT


We say squared away.....
(falls flat)
Will do, sir----we've only kept the tame stuff, for the Surgeon General.....

STANLEY KEVORKIAN

(stunned)

You what!? What the blazes are you talking about!

ADJUTANT ASSISTANT


Thought you knew, sir---Sen. Gambol's got his hand shoved right down.....

(cut off)

STANLEY KEVORKIAN


Well, it's gonna meet my steel-toed boot coming the other way, got it?!

(clicks off)

(to steward)

'Old Fashioned', a double.......

FADE TO BLACK.


INT OFFICE OF THE U.S. SURGEON GENERAL-MORNING
The box from Texas has arrived, untouched since 1963, containing some incendiary medical records on a certain civilian.

PRIVATE SECRETARY

She has just completed opening and scanning its contents.

(into intercom)
Sir, I think you ought to should have a look at this, a package has just arrived from....Dallas.

SURGEON GENERAL

What is so urgent, Helen?

(looks at airbill)

Who the Hell is 'Kennedy Bros.'?



CUT TO:
INT. NONDESCRIPT TRACT HOUSE NOWHERE TEXAS-DAY
Marina Oswald, now an aging relic of her former attractive, high status daughter of a Russian official of some standing, sits in her time-locked home, under an assumed identity. The 60's style phone rings.

MARIA STEPHENSON

(slight accent)

Chell-o?
DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Yes, Hello; my name is Hermione Enstein

(pregnant pause)
You don't know me but, I have recently come to know someone you do.....

MARIA STEPHENSON


(concerned)

Why......who are you, what do you...want of me?

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Please, bear with me. It concerns your.....daughter.....
(cut off)

MARIA STEPHENSON


My....my husband and I....we c-have no more children.....

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Katrina. Her name is Katrina.

Marina now stares into space, dropping the phone; after almost a minute, she snaps out of it, picking it up again.

MARIA STEPHENSON

Who...who are you, again?

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


I am her doctor, my dear; please, there is a man, a man you once knew, coming to....escort you, if you would come, to New York.

MARIA STEPHENSON


I don't know what......
(coming alive)

Where is.....Katrina, please to tell me.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


New York; Mr. Kevorkian, he will tell you everything, during your trip.

(pauses)

Marina, she wants so much to see you, to be with you.

There is a knock at the door; Marina asks her to hold on, checking; it is Kevorkian.

MARIA STEPHENSON

(weeping with joy)

It....is the c-him, the man you......she is safe, he is.....correct?!

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN

Safe, my dear, and very sound, I assure you; I will look forward to meeting you, soon.

MARIA STEPHENSON

Sa.....sank you wery...much, good-bye.

WE SEE HER PACKING A BAG HURRIEDLY, THEN TAKEN GENTLY BY THE ARM BY KEVORKIAN OUT INTO THE BRIGHT SUNLIT DAY.




CUT TO A WEEK LATER:
INT. SENATE CLOAK ROOM PRIVATE CONFERENCE ROOM-EVE
Kevorkian has pursued his course, really begun when he made his pilgrimage to Texas in 1981, on Patsy's---Katrina's---release; his epiphanies are monumental.

SENATOR FRANKLIN GAMBOL

(beaming)

As I live and breathe, how goddam long has it been, Stan?

STANLEY KEVORKIAN


Too long, Senator....Frank, too too long, in so many ways.


They embrace, then sit down in a cloistered spot, legendary for its sub rosa meetings, once between Lincoln and Douglas.

SENATOR FRANKLIN GAMBOL

When I got your diplomatic 'pouch', I must say I was dumbfounded.

STANLEY KEVORKIAN

Lord knows, I'm a penitent.....
(looks around)
This'll make as good a confessional as any, I suppose.....

SENATOR FRANKLIN GAMBOL


Now, Stan, you won't find any priests around here that I know of, unless you count the creeps who go for the pages.

(attempted levity)

What you're doing, you sure you want to go through with it, old wounds, new risks, to your family, your repu...

(cut off)

STANLEY KEVORKIAN

Never more certain of anything in my long questionable life, Frank; best thing I ever did, really, keepin that gal, and her mom, alive, if you can call it that.....
SENATOR FRANKLIN GAMBOL

That was your call?
(nods)
Guts, real fortitude, considering the....climate in those days.

STANLEY KEVORKIAN


Edgah......he wanted em 'gone', permanent; got him to put his White Russian in-law in charge, at least of Pa....Katrina.

(breaks down)

What have....I done, Frank?

SENATOR FRANKLIN GAMBOL



Easy, old boy; you did what you thought you had to at the time. Goddam hindsighters, even when they're right, usually never had to dance with the fucking Devil!
STANLEY KEVORKIAN

(drys eyes)

I don't know how long I've got, naturally or....otherwise; made this, just in case.

(hands him minicassette)

Take it, and take it wherever it goes; been too long and blood is the most persistent of blots.

(looks at hands)

SENATOR FRANKLIN GAMBOL


There won't be any hearings, Stan; not even a damned Commission. But, I'll promise you this, you'll be remembered, round here and the world, my friend, as much more than a fair weather......I now know in my mind just why I voted to confirm you as Ambassador: you represent what's best and, yes, worst, in all of us....

STANLEY KEVORKIAN


Not why I'm doing this; we used to call it 'the right thing', born with it, all of us, just forgot's all.

SENATOR FRANKLIN GAMBOL


Stan....it's still called 'the right thing'; I want you with me when we pay a visit to the Attorney General: he's got a box full of answers from Texas---we gave him jurisdiction on this thing, back in '79, remember?

THEY STAND, GAMBOL'S ARM ON KEVORKIAN'S SHOULDER, PATTING HIM FIRMLY.


CUT TO:
INT. DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN'S PRIVATE OFFICE NY-DAY
Marina, Hermione and Katrina are together, having a warm visit as only women can have; Edward is in another room, with a surprise visitor.
KATRINA OSWALD


After all the therapy, I can't tell you, mother, how patient she was with me, with this.....whole thing
(tear, smile)
Herme, and I, have learned to embrace the truly mysterious; we still don't understand my contact with John, his son, long before....we ever met.....it's how those records got here, intact: it was John, I know it.
MARINA OSWALD


The mystery has never ended.....for me. You see, I saw you, also, every day, every minute, through all the fear, the self-loathing.

DR. HERMIONE ENSTEIN


Ach, yes, subatomic 'entanglement', some people call it spirit---I gladly leave zat mystery to the physicists! My dear people, zer are vast realms of which we know nothing, both around us, invisible to our unreliable frail habitual senses, and within us; whole minds, plural, we rarely use. You both, through it all, perhaps because of all you have undergone, have known them in ways only dreamt of in our.... philosophies!

There is a knock at the door; Edward, quite unbeknownst to anyone present, has made an invitation all his own, through his friend, the guest's husband.

DR. EDWARD ENSTEIN

Ladies, don't mean to but in.....but there's someone here who wants to meet you, all of you.

Into the room walks Caroline Kennedy, aglow with the depth of the moment.

CAROLINE KENNEDY (CAMEO)

(hugging all)

Please sit, sit; there's so very much....we have to speak of, to do.........

‘BLUE RENDEZVOUS’ BY J.B. PRAVDA ©

INT. CANCER TREATMENT HOSPICE-DAY
Former original G-man Frank Lee Roiles is ready in his room to commence a commitment he made to Miss Beulah Mae Jackson before she died---to tell his story, the story he played so critical a role in in defeating the biggest criminals of a century filled with them; he is waiting for the journalist, her great niece.
CARLOTTA PIETRO
Good morning, how in the world are we today?!
(embracing him)
FRANK ROILES
Well, the Devil's not ready for me, so I'm doin ok.
They have agreed that only the first hour will be videotaped as the chemo is relieving him of his hair, and energy to sit in a chair for too long. She is light skinned black, married to an Italian American.
WE SEE FRANK GLUED TO HIS TV; CARLOTTA WATCHES WITH HIM; IT IS A PREVIEW OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS, FEATURING A CLIP OF JEFF BRIDGES IN 'STARMAN', AS A NOMINEE.
V.O.
"Shall I tell you what I find beautiful about you? You are at your best when things are at their very worst."
FRANK ROILES
Schoepenhauer.
CARLOTTA PIETRO
The German philosopher, right....don't tell me you knew him?
FRANK ROILES
Knew a German who knew him.
(smirking)
Fished him outta the Med after we sunk his sub; I jumped into a god dam burning oil patch, don't ask me why. But he seemed to know, kept sayin this name, over and over, amazed he could speak, really.
CARLOTTA PIETRO
I'm not sure I understand.
FRANK ROILES
Seems this guy was the skipper, pretty-well educated; through the medic on our boat, whose parents were from the old country, we figured out that he was talking about the position taken by this Schoepenhauer, bout the way people respond to danger to another being, how they forget all about themselves as a seperate person; spent a whole book arguin it was proof we are all connected, underneath surface appearances and all. Stuck with me, I guess;' Bridges had that same look in his eyes just then.
CARLOTTA PIETRO
(choked up)
Fine start for today, don't you think.
(smiles)
FLASHBACK TO 1938:
INT BUREAU HEADQUARTERS, WASHINGTON, D.C. DAY
Special Agent Frank Lee Roiles reports to the office; he is a little hung over, and late, per usual....; old-fashioned federal offices of a still publicly obscure agency.
SWITCHBOARD RECEPTIONIST
(into mouthpiece)
Federal Bureau, can you hold?
(to Frank)
Hoi, polloi....any other survivors from the crack-up?
FRANK ROILES
(removing hat, rubbing temples)
Save it, Meg, huh; just a late night
(under his breath)
...cap.
SWITCHBOARD RECEPTIONIST
(hands Frank message)
Called twice already, says its urgent.
(smiling at his wincing)
FRANK ROILES
On a Tuesday....
(recognizes number)
Holy moley, ain't this the White House exchange?
SWITCHBOARD RECEPTIONIST
I'm impressed, considerin.
FRANK ROILES
How bout a break, huh Doll; get me
(squinting at message) Mr. Carter, ok?
SWITCHBOARD RECEPTIONIST
(into mouthpiece)
Good morning, may I be connected to Mr. 'Dips' Carter, Jr.?
(pause for reply)
I see, that's odd; he just called not 20 minutes ago. Thanks, hun.
(hangs up)
Strange, say he's left for the doctor's, feeling poorly.
FRANK ROILES
(gaining interest)
He say what it's about?
SWITCHBOARD RECEPTIONIST
No, very polite gent, older Negro, sounded nervous, you know, jittery.
FRANK ROILES
(grabs hat)
Think I'll hop over to see FDR, you want I should bring you back a souvenir?
SWITCHBOARD RECEPTIONIST
Maybe an invite to the 'Children's Hour'.
(sees he doesn't get reference)
The poem by Wordsworth he uses to cue the drinkeys.....never mind.
FRANK ROILES
Speakin of mind, yours is sorta one track, as in alcohol....good thing Volstead's monster is dead....
SWITCHBOARD RECEPTIONIST
(smirking)
Poils before swine, dearie.
Meg takes another call, as Frank saunters out.
FADE OUT.
EXT FBI HEADQUARTERS, WASHINGTON, D.C. DAY
Frank walks the short distance to the casually protected White House, doffing his hat and oogling at an attractive couple of women, giggling in reply, shyly. He approaches the guard shack, greeting a familiar face.
WHITE HOUSE GUARD
Say, what brings you to the palace, Edgar lose a cat or somethin?
FRANK ROILES
Everybody's a wiseguy today; you keep a staff roster out here?
WHITE HOUSE GUARD
Sure, who ya need?
FRANK ROILES
(squints at phone message)
'Dips' Carter, Jr.; Got him?
WHITE HOUSE GUARD
(finds him on list)
Name like that, gotta be a ni...
FRANK ROILES
Come on, Jim, ain't got time be shootin the sea breeze, even if we are such old Navy 'pals', ya get me?
WHITE HOUSE GUARD
Sure....don't get sore or nothin...here he is....but he ain't here..
(smirking)

Went over to St. Elizabeth's, the colored hospital, I think. Looked fine to me, but you know these 'house' ni....
FRANK ROILES
Sure, so damn lazy, alls they ever do is keep this country runnin, doin the jobs on one else wants.
(angry now)
Know what,





Tell ya what Jimbo, just for old times sake, why don't ya do yourself and the country a big favor and take the rest a the day off....ya fat tubba shit!
PULL BACK AERIAL VIEW OF DC & ITS SEGREGATED ENVIRONS AS IF ANOTHER WORLD JUST BLOCKS AWAY FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.
FADE TO BLACK.
EXT NEW YORK HARBOR DOCKSIDE WAREHOUSE AREA- EVENING
Two men, faces obscured by darkness in trench coats and hats are walking around the docks, the night watchman seems to know they are 'authorized' and ignores them.
FIRST MAN
You tellin me he's the only protection they got?
SECOND MAN
Relax; look, we ain't at war; besides, everybody knows not to mess with this place, could be very bad for the health!
FIRST MAN
I dunno, you know what that creep Mussolini is up to in the Old Country.
SECOND MAN
Yeah, and he's going after every family clan around, can't stand the competition I guess. You know what, I says have at em, if it means less Guineaus in this world.
FIRST MAN
Great way to make yourself scarce, permanent like, sayin a thing like that round here; you are so naive......
SECOND MAN
One thing's for sure: the Brits gave him a goddam knighthood, so looks like he's got some mucky mucks' blessing.
FIRST MAN
Whaddya expect; the Limeys got a tin soldier army just like us---they've go those rose-colored glasses on when it comes to that kraut with the bad haircut, too.
SECOND MAN
Who knows these days, people just tryin ta get enough ta eat with this damn Depression; Hell, we're lucky we got jobs; let's get some chow, it's Sammy's quittin time.
CUT TO:
INT APARTMENT OF MARTA SUNDSTRUM NEW YORK EVE
Jeffords Roosevelt, self-exiled, estranged youngest son of the President, is under the spell of a half-Italian exchange grad student at NYU; she is an Italian military agent, seeking information about longshoremen's union and dockyard affairs. He has obtained it, in some detail, from the White House on the understanding that she needs it for a thesis.
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
Darling, be a dear and run my bath water, hmm?

Jeffords has dutifully hand delivered the documents, some internally sensitive, to her; she is perusing them when he returns to the room.
JEFFORDS ROOSEVELT
What are we some old couple, so bored we read dull statistics instead of,well, you know.
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
(recovering quickly)
Don't be silly, just impressed with how important you must be; I'm certain to gain highest marks with this!
(she turns on the radio to some jazz from Harlem)
JEFFORDS ROOSEVELT
That's more like it, Mar; say, now that your reward is so secure, how's about mine.
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
(demurely posing)
You mean you don't wish to read along.....
(places documents on the table)
JEFFORDS ROOSEVELT
Madam, you've got me confused with that other Mr. Roosevelt; now he would have said yes to those documents, especially with a certain woman, by appointment.
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
Now, don't spoil the mood with talk of mommy and daddy.
JEFFORDS ROOSEVELT
You're absolutely right.....
(he begins to help her undress)
Besides, I don't have an appointment.
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
Well, how about a rendezvous, his term, right?.....a rendezvous in blue, instead!
(seductively giggling)
FADE TO:
INT FBI HEADQUARTERS, WASHINGTON, D.C. DAY
It is the following morning; Roiles has tried to locate 'Dips', without success.
FRANK ROILES
Morning, doll; any calls?
SWITCHBOARD RECEPTIONIST
You're in early; spoke with the hospital people,like ya asked... never heard of him, much less seen him.
FRANK ROILES
How bout the White House, they heard from him?
SWITCHBOARD RECEPTIONIST
Not a word; say its not like him, been there forever.
FRANK ROILES
Say, did this Carter ask for me, specific?
SWITCHBOARD RECEPTIONIST
Why, yes, now that you mention it, didn't register till now.
FRANK ROILES
What, were we both hung over; look, he say how he got my name, anything, think.
SWITCHBOARD RECEPTIONIST
Hey, don't get sore, all I get are calls on top of calls; wait, think I scrawled a note cause it was out a the ordinary, the way he put it....here it is: 'friend of his told him to call you, from back home in Alabama'---no name, though.
FRANK ROILES
Never even been there; this is gettin screwier by the minute.
(phone rings)
SWITCHBOARD RECEPTIONIST
Federal Bureau................just a moment sir, please, calm down....
(points to Frank's phone)



FRANK ROILES
Roiles, who's.....Carter! Been doin a personal All Points on you.....where.....what the....look, stay put, I'll be there in half an hour...
(writing address)
Got it.
(grabs his hat)
SWITCHBOARD RECEPTIONIST
So?
FRANK ROILES
Call ya when I can; you don't hear from me for a while, means um busy.
(he looks for ammunition in his desk)
SWITCHBOARD RECEPTIONIST
What if the White House calls?
FRANK ROILES
Tell em they'll have to polish the silver themselves for a while, I dunno;








for some reason, he's scared to go back, so you know nothin; gotta go.
CUT TO:
EXT RUNDOWN SHOTGUN HOUSE IN N.E. DC DAY
Roiles has pulled up in his company car, marked 'US Government Carpool'; dogs are barking like they've never seen a white man, or a car.
FRANK ROILES
It's Roiles....
(knocking at weathered door)
MISSY JACKSON
Who dat?
FRANK ROILES
Frank Lee Roiles, I just talked with Dips.
The door opens slowly, without anyone visible; it is dark by contrast.
(O.S.)
Come on in, den.
Door closes without anyone yet seen.
MOMENTS LATER:
FRANK ROILES
Hello....
MISSY JACKSON
You member me?
FRANK ROILES
Holy Jesus!
(recognizing her)
Why, haven't seen your sweetness since....
MISSY JACKSON
You was knee high, reckon. How's your mama?
FRANK ROILES
Restin in Peace.
(hugging her)
DIPS CARTER (O.S.)
It safe?

MISSY JACKSON
Fool, this here's my baby boy! Raise him up, almose.
FRANK ROILES
Hello, Dips. I need some information, right away....
DIPS CARTER
(tense, fearful)
What dat be, suh?
FRANK ROILES
Exactly what kinda name is Dips?
(laughing)
The ice is broken, they retire to neat sitting room; Dips has got a spit cup for his chew.
FRANK ROILES
Good thing they've still got plenty of those spitoons at the palace.
(pulls out notepad)
Shoot, I'm all ears.
DIPS CARTER
Now....now, I needs my job....you sure....
FRANK ROILES
Missy Jax can tell ya, shoot straight, and don't nobody trouble you for telling me the truth.
DIPS CARTER
(reaches in pocket)
See, I foun dis at the House; done read so good but Missy J sez I needs to call you.
FLR uncrumples what looks like a letter.
SHOT: LETTER ON SCREEN, HIGHLITED ON CERTAIN PARAGRAPH.
FRANK ROILES (V.O.)
....."and, if you can do this for me, I will be ever so grateful my darling. MY sponsors are talking about ending my stipend should I not excel with my thesis. You are so very important I know that you will save me from this fate.
Your adoring Marta".
FRANK ROILES
Jeffords been staying at the House lately?
DIPS CARTER
Oh, yassir, he come and go all de time; he even use hiz Daddy's own office sometime when he gone.
MISSY JACKSON
Mr. Frank, now you know I read the paper, religious like----been readin bout dis Hitler usin people to do spying and such things; dis here gal's some kinda Matta Hari, you ast me, can feel it.
FRANK ROILES
I'm gonna have a photostat made at a secure spot I know, right away, then, Dips, you're gonna put it right back where you found it.
DIPS CARTER
Yassir, you betcha, cain't have it roun me no mo, for sure.
FRANK ROILES
Right...now Dips, ya gotta be copacetic for me; nobody knows bout this sept us three and that's gotta be how it stays. Mum's the word. Miss Jax, can you meet me at the main post office lobby downtown this evening?
MISSY JACKSON
I can iffen you needs me to.
FRANK ROILES
Good; at 5 o'clock; Dips,, you done good.
(pats his shoulder)
CUT TO:



INT ORNATE HEADQUARTERS OF THE SERVIZIO INFORMAZIONE MILITARE ROME DAY
Discussions are under way in earnest concerning 'Operation Blue Rendezvous': it is aimed at sabotage in America's Eastern ports as a misguided attempt to use, then wipe out the Italy-based Mafia 'using' American mobsters as unwitting ally while hurting any prospect of American aid to England, now that the Pact of Steel has been signed by Italy.
MAJOR FRANCESCO SARGENTO

I am pleased to report that our initial contacts with the U.S. gangster factions have been most promising; thus far, we have used lower-level contacts, we have both agreed on this, until the payment has been made; this is to the good, as they are completely untraceable to us.
COLONEL HEINRICH HINCHE
Berlin wants no mistakes----you and they must not raise any suspicion of our involvement.


MAJOR FRANCESCO SARGENTO
We shall do whatever is necessary to point the blame directly at these gangsters, all of them, in due time.
(he motions to an aide)
Here you see the key disembarkation ports with the capacity to supply England; we have assurances from the U.S. mobsters controlling the longshoremen's guilds, provided they are paid in untraceable commodities, principally gold, to be prepaid in part through our Swiss agents. Not to worry---how did Lenin phrase it: they are 'useful idiots', largely illiterate, hardly even speaking the mother tongue, with little connection to these 'old timers', with their primitive superstitious ways, you see?
COLONEL HEINRICH HINCHE
Nevertheless, we want assurances that whoever you select are not double agents. Since the botched assassination in Miami certain suspicions have been aroused, mostly among this Roosevelt's many Jewish advisors and friends---it is owing only to their greedy bankers that we continue our rearmament efforts.
MAJOR FRANCESCO SARGENTO
Please understand, I have known Sicilians my whole life, we understand each other: they only see the gold!
COLONEL HEINRICH HINCHE
You will, of course, forgive me for saying so, but it would seem they have much in common, these American gangsters and your 'black shirts', yes?.
(smiling)
MAJOR FRANCESCO SARGENTO
I take your meaning, not my aesthetic, all this plumage and trappings of ancient Roman Legions, it is not simply grotesque, but they seem to forget that black was the color of their greatest defeat, by the black man, Hannibal---this is somehow to be avenged in Ethiopia, foolishness.
COLONEL HEINRICH HINCHE
I....trust that you are more discreet when handling our affairs.


FRANCESCO SARGENTO
Have no doubts; you see,these walls are soundproof, compliments of Il Duce!
AN ITALIAN OFFICER, WITH SPECIAL INSIGNIA, IS EAVSDROPPING IN ANOTHER OFFICE.
FRANCESCO SARGENTO
Further to your point, they will serve our needs, the Axis and your Fuhrer; remember, our ruthless homeland roundups of these mafiosi clans here in Italy leave only American gangsterism as culprit when the contracted sabotage is done, nothing more and, then, at the appointed time, they shall meet their ultimate fate.
COLONEL HEINRICH HINCHE
Let us hope so, for everyone's sake, even these American bumpkins may not be fooled twice; by the way Major...
(stern face)

do you not mean 'our' Fuhrer?!
JUMP CUT TO:
INT GERMAN EMBASSY WASHINGTON, DC EVE
Lindbergh is on hand, guest of honor of the Reich.
GERMAN AMBASSADOR
Mine Herren & Damen....our duly elected Reichfuhrer extends his warmest welcome to Germany...in America!
(self-conscious laughter)
I have the great honor of presenting to you a hero of Germany, America and the world; his aerial exploits are only matched by his, so to say, 'down to Earth' common sense....I give you our honoree, the great Charles Lindbergh!
(applause)
As Lindbergh ascends to the podium, he is surprised to see the German military attache approach with an elaborate box.
GERMAN AMBASSADOR
Kind sir, before you begin your remarks, allow me the privilege of presenting to you my homeland's highest honorary medal.....
(he places it around L.'s Neck as L. Smiles broadly)
CHARLES LINDBERGH
I am truly moved, thank you, thank you.
(more applause)
Mr. Ambassador, esteemed guests, America stands at a crossroads, one path leading to continued peace the other to hysterical and unwarranted conflict with countries we need not fear.........
CUT TO EARLIER THAT EVENING:
INT LARGE CENTRAL POST OFFICE WASHINGTON DC EVE
Miss Jackson walks in hurriedly, scanning a nearly empty lobby lined with post office boxes.
MISSY JACKSON
Mr. Frank, ah jus gettin here, that jitney ta the street car late, like always.
FRANK ROILES
Don't worry yourself, all to the good; wanted this place empty.
(looks around handing her large envelope)
Be sure and see this gets to that address, pronto.
MISSY JACKSON
Dips, he nervous as can be but ah make certain he do as you tole him.
(pregnant pause)
Mr. Frank, ahs got somethin to say to you, here awright?
FRANK ROILES
Let's walk outside.
JUMP CUT TO:
EXT ALLEYWAY OF LARGE CENTRAL POST OFFICE WASHINGTON DC EVE
FRANK ROILES
(looking around)
We're all set, town's only got ghosts.
MISSY JACKSON
Now, you knows I be careful as can be.....fore ah comes here lady fren a mine come over; by den, Dips he gone to call his woik at da payphone.
FRANK ROILES
(sensing her distress)
Miss J, you act like you've seen one a my ghosts---what gives?
MISSY JACKSON
You see, it's like this here, she got the giff, the shine; I don't tell her nuthin when she say---"Sense somethin evil, bad evil....like Judas hisself wid us".
FRANK ROILES
That, from a piece of paper?
MISSY JACKSON
Ah don't say nuthin, and she in her spell, but I knows was about this here letter. She never wrong, Mr. Frank!
Strong wind gust from nowhwere blows up, causing Frank to start.
FRANK ROILES
Well, there's your standard 'ill wind'......
FLR's attempt at levity falls flat.
MISSY JACKSON
....dat Blows no good! YOu be careful, you hear.
FRANK ROILES
It's a bet; come on, my car's around the corner.
(puts his arm around her)
CUT TO:
EXT LITTLE ITALY BISTRO NEW YORK DAY
Ensconced in a private booth are Frank Costello and Lucky Charles Luciano, conferring....
FRANK COSTELLO
......looks good for the slots down in Big Easy town; had it with Dewey and that fat slob Guineau LaGuardia.
LUCKY LUCIANO
Tell me bout it, can't a paisan live at the Waldorf in peace!
FRANK COSTELLO
May be time fur ya ta use Mussolini to our advantage; sides, got all the old time Dons in a twist, cocksucker!
LUCKY LUCIANO
Waitin for da right time is all; gotta have a scare then the G-men'll be all ears.
FRANK COSTELLO
What ya got in mind----hey, my boys would love a goodbye kiss-off!
LUCKY LUCIANO
Soon, got us da spot cased, easy pickins, way ole 'Il Duchebag' is kissin Kraut ass could work out better n we hoped.
Waiter obsequiously comes with their food.
LUCKY LUCIANO
Hey, Luigi, what you think a dis Mussolini?
WAITER
(stream of Italian expletives and hand gestures)
FRANK COSTELLO
(laughing heartily)
Hey, ya know, the Limeys are talkin bout givin im uh knighthood!
LUCKY LUCIANO
(poker faced)
Enough!!
(pause of dread)
How you know I don't like him, eh?......
(pause)
Relax!!! YA see, I do....like him......Morta!
(big belly laugh)
That's the kinda 'night' for that hood----permanent night!
SHOT: NEWSREEL FOOTAGE OF IL DUCE RECEIVING HIS KNIGHTHOOD.
CUT TO:
INT. HOOVER'S PLUSH CADILLAC LIMOUSINE-EVENING
Edgah is being briefed....by the mob, having been instructed by the FDR to 'get them', potential saboteurs; worshipping the Prez's high origins, and fearing his own 'lowly' beginnings, he will do whatever it takes to curry favor, in both his and the coincidental national interest.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
So, what you want me to believe, and cause the Chief to also believe, is that Jeffords Roosevelt himself is a spy ring's dupe!?
MOB MESSENGER
Mr. H, don't get sore, I'm just the mess...
(cut off)
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Yes, yes, I know, don't shoot the messenger; see here, and speaking of shooting
(self-amused smirk)
I need a smoking gun, the kind of thing that lays it out so plainly that we---I---look like a hero and not some come lately Keystone copper, capish?
MOB MESSENGER
We're workin on it, Chief.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
That's another thing----till you earn the title 'Agent'----and don't think for a minute that would ever come to pass----I'll thank you not to call me Chief; that's reserved for better ilk than you'll ever see.
(flushed)
Now....get me what I need, or I might forget my usual aplomb, my blind eye might just experience a miracle cure, got it?
WE 'HEAR' THE PRIVATE THOUGHTS OF THE MOBSTER, IN A FUZZY SWIRL TO FROZEN ACTION.
V.O.
Look at im, thinks he's got fuckin aplomb----Hell, the half-niggah problee tinks the too-high class woid means 'a bomb'!
MOB MESSENGER
I'll deliver your exact words to Mr. L right away, Ch......sir.
The mob go-between is let out, the car hardly coming to a stop, at a deserted trucking company warehouse district in the underbelly of the District.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Hoover taps his deaf driver---he's that paranoid and private---and hands him a pre-printed card.
WE SEE THE NEATLY CALLIGRAPHIED CARD: 'TAKE ME TO NATIONAL AIRPORT, FRITZ".
FADE TO BLACK.
EXT. THE ISLAND OF CORSICA-DAY
The Sicilian Dons, being systematically slaughtered by the black shirted Fascists who don't like competition, have reached out to their American cousins. Luciano, himself anticipating this gesture, has made one of his own. They speak in Italian.
LUCIANO'S CONSIGLIERE
Don Vincenzo, an honor.
(kneels, kissing hand)
DON VINCENZO
Up, up! We meet as equals, with the common enemy.
A ceremony is held, wherein wine is mingled with ancestral blood from an ornate vial, the attendees' own blood being drawn with an ancient Moorish dagger.
DON VINCENZO
In Roma, this strutting buffoon and his minions from Hades may fool the swine they herd, but not us; tht is why they have been persuaded that we would be betrayed by you, la familia.
LUCIANO'S CONSIGLIERE
(smiling)
Then they have truly accepted our bait, our pledge to serve their needs in America, on their promises to wipe out anyone seeking to share in their spoils of Axis conquest----this we could only surmise until now. Of course, the worthless ancient Roman 'rites'
(he pauses, smirking)
We concocted from thin air, must have held sway, so self-impressed are they with their cheap Legions standards.
DON HERRERA
A bunch of fools, certainly, but not their Bosch masters; they are not so easily misled, yes?
LUCIANO'S CONSIGLIERE
Wisely said; this is why there must be a convincing demonstration of Mussolini's 'success', which your 'disloyal', greedy American brothers must appear to carry out for Il Duce, taking the 'rap', as we say, at least for a while. This will be no trouble----we have certain patrones in high places who will put it down to anarchistic communists----they are everywhere these days in America!
(smiling broadly)
DON HERRERA
When do you expect the explosive situation to develop?
(also smirking)
LUCIANO'S CONSIGLIERE
When else----but American Independence Day, such things are less conspicuous then, eh?
The elder Don Vincenzo seems to dampen the enthusiasm with his mere body language, so respected is he.
DON VINCENZO
I am concerned
(pregnant pause)
In the interim period, another month, our people disappear by the dozen daily.
Luciano gave strict orders that all assurances must be made to engender solidarity.
LUCIANO'S CONSIGLIERE
Don Vincenzo......you know best the history of these rugged mountains; Don Paolo and his protege Bonaparte succeeded in making them an impenetrable fortress in their fight for liberation; your people must hide out here. Just as we have not been detected, this island will take care of them even if found out; besides, there is grumbling all around about Ethiopia, Duce needs time to regain his prestige.
Sensing the need for a little levity, Luciano's man closes the deal.
LUCIANO'S CONSIGLIERE
We call it 'going to the mattresses'!
The desired effect is achieved. After another day of planning and cordiality, a surprise parting ceremony is arranged by the Sicilians. The capo di tutti capi is wheeled in, having not attended due to his frailty.
DON GERALDONATO
I am 95 years of age.......I have seen much, and many; you, paisano, have made me very glad. I am an old swordsman, and have killed 14 of our enemies in this time-honored way of honor, with the blade.
I am the honorary keeper of this symbol of our having been conquered by the Moors; take it!
He turns somber, motioning for the Americans to draw closer; producing the dagger used earlier, he speaks softly. Opera music comes up softly.
For 500 years it was the weapon of choice of men of honor....our maestros were sought out all over the world, like the Toledo steel of the blades they used....the Roman legions were beaten with such weapons, used by Hannibal's armies.....the Romans were no fools, they adopted these blades, never to lose again....until now! You, our American brothers, who know little of this, must know its power, the power we honor in our bloodletting ceremonies.
(pauses for breath)

You, you must lead our botta segreta, con stresso tempo! Sr. Luciano, he is now our Guardia Prima, but we must fight with brace a una spada solo! Go, then, and fulfill our destiny through this brilliant impetinata!
ENGLISH SUBTITLES ARE SEEN ON SCREEN: 'OUR SECRET ATTACK, SIMULTANEOUSLY ATTACKING WHILE DEFENDING, TWO SWORDS AS ONE SWORD!'
He makes the universal gesture of throat-cutting with the sheathed blade.
Il Duce.....and his black shirts, black like the Moors...and, so, blackest death to such blackhearts!
He simulates melodramatically the consequent slumping, tongue out.
The Americans are blown away by the gesture, literally speechless;
Then, demonstrating his own sense of levity and its timing.
And, yet, what is there to worry and fret about----you all are under the protection, after all is said and done, of one called 'Lucky'----La Fortuna!
(all laugh and embrace)
FADE TO:
EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE GUARD SHACK-DAY
'Dips' Carter is returning to work the day after his sudden disappearance.
WHITE HOUSE GUARD
Welcome back, Dipsey! Don't look any the worse for wear, me boy; why, even if ya was hung over, couldn't tell if me life depended....
(pausing for effect)
Say, ya can tell me, have a few nips, eh, Dips....yesterday, whilst we was here runnin the show?
DIPS CARTER
Like his race mates for generations, he has learned well to play the fool, and even that would be the source of further grief to come.
No, no...su....suh, I doan drinks tall, you gots me con fews.
Dips returns to his duties in the House; a formal Congressional dinner is to take place that night and he seeks to do Frank's bidding while dispatching an alternate duty: to maintain the President's private study, where he found the letter; it is windowless yet he is extra cautious.
WE SEE HIM CAUTIOUSLY GO ABOUT HIS BUSINESS, LEADING TO HIS REPLACEMENT OF THE LETTER; HIS THOUGHTS ARE 'OVERHEARD'.
DIPS CARTER
No, suh, this 'guilty dog' ain doin no barkin; ain done nuthin wrong, dat's da truth, so help me Gawd!
CUT TO A FEW HOURS LATER:





INT. DIPS' BEDROOM-NIGHT
WE SEE DIPS, NORMALLY A SOUND SLEEPER, SUDDENLY SHOOT STRAIGHT UP IN HIS BED, NIGHT SWEATED, HIS PAJAMAS SOAKED; HIS EYES SCAN THE ROOM, DAZED, FINALLY, SHARPLY FOCUSING, ACCOMPANIED BY A MUFFLED SOUND, UPON HIS SHOES, HIS SIZE 19EEE SHOES.
DIPS CARTER
Sweet Jesus, ma fooprins!
FADE OUT.
INT. NY APARTMENT OF JEFFORDS ROOSEVELT-DAY
He is rushing for a mandatory visit home to Washington; he dials the phone to Marta.
JEFFORDS ROOSEVELT
I already explained to you why I can't take you; look, Pa insists that I be present at some bloody soiree....I should be able to train it back tonight, alright?
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
(hangs up mad)
JEFFORDS ROOSEVELT
(redialing immediately)
She, Dr. Marta 'Pavlov', is very pleased with his planned reaction to her peevishness about some lackluster Broadway show; it was to have been a public display of her house-broken 'puppy' for her handlers.
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
I'm so very disappointed.......
(pause for effect)
JEFFORDS ROOSEVELT
Make it up to you, you'll see.


CUT TO LATER THAT EVENING.
INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESIDENTIAL STUDY-EARLY EVE.
The President, as is his habit, is taking refuge prior to a public affair and enjoying his cache of German shcnapps; he has wheeled himself into the windowless dimly lit room, with its freshly vacuumed deep pile plush carpet. After almost an hour, he begins to leave, finding a piece of paper enmeshed in his wheels.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
What the Dickens?!

CUT TO LATER THAT EVEINING.
INT. PRIVATE RESIDENTIAL SECTION OF WHITE HOUSE-NIGHT
A Secret Service man stands guard at a door; it is the bedroom door of Jeffords R.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
And Chief, I want a thorough going over of this graduate student of ours, all the lot of it, understand?
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Mr. President, just leave it to me and my Agents---we'll get to the bottom of it, by God.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Knew I could count on you, Edgah; come to dinner next Sunday....and Report.
FLASHBACK TO 1864:

INT. EXECUTIVE MANSION CABINET ROOM-EVENING
Secretary of State William H. Seward, of Folly fame, is pacing & haranguing the President.
WILLIAM H. SEWARD
Sir, with respect, Benjamin's got his swarthy clutches far too deep into Washington City's homes and hearths for me----us----to allow this very house to be so infested with seditious operators.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
(seeming to mumble)

'Perpetual Exigency Machine'.
WILLIAM H. SEWARD
Begging your pardon, sir?
The President appears to have ignored Seward, utterly, lost in deep thought, rubbing his forehead.
WILLIAM H. SEWARD
I shall retire, Mr. President, and leave you to your prior business, with but one more point, if I may
(not waiting for permission)
Mrs. Lincoln shares my concerns about the Negro staff.
Seward melodramatically exits stage right; Lincoln knows, however, that he is not the fool of public Folly, but a crafty old fox.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
(sighs deeply)
WE SEE A LETTER IN COMPOSITION; IT BEGINS, IN HIS OWN HAND: 'MY DEAR MRS. WHITE, IT IS WITH A HEAVY HEART THAT I CONVEY TO YOU THE DIRE NEWS OF THE DEMISE OF YOUR SON JACOB IN BATTLE; IT IS ESPECIALLY BURDENSOME WHEN THE RECIPIENT IS OF A RACE SO ACCUSTOMED TO AN ALREADY INHUMAN BURDEN....
CUT TO NEXT DAY:
EXT. EXECUTIVE MANSION SOUTH 'FIELD'-DAY
A Pinkerton man has approached a older Negro man, one accustomed to house duties; it is a hot day and he is tilling a makeshift victory garden.
PINKERTON MAN
Now, Jed, tell us again how you came to leave the South.
JEDEDIAH CARTER
Ah done toll the other man....
(cut off abruptly)
PINKERTON MAN
You mean Captain Pinkerton, my good fellow.......
(looking at pad)
Says here that you lived in Louisiana, that right?
They are obviously trying to trick him into small contradictions, condescendingly.
JEDEDIAH CARTER
Suh, meanin no disrespek, my peoples been here in dis city since they was a Federal City; ma daddy woiked on dis here buildin, way back den; dose days, wadn't no where a Negro could go what wiff dem redcoats acomin....dey boin down dis house, he wuz scared, found woik on a plantation there, in da house.
PINKERTON MAN
Yes, working for Senator Benjamin, Judah P. Benjamin, of New Orleans; you know about this man?
JEDEDIAH CARTER
I knows de name, sure does, was mighty good to my kinfolk, treed em ride, I reckon.
PINKERTON MAN
You and your 'people' here at the Mansion know what he's doing now, do you?
JEDEDIAH CARTER
Only what ah sees in de papers.
PINKERTON MAN
(shocked)

You read?
JEDEDIAH CARTER
(afraid)
A liddle, ah guess; ma daddy he knew how ta reed dem drawins, he made me to loin soze to get good woik.
PINKERTON MAN
Took quite a chance, it being illegal and all; are you, Jed, takin any chances these days?
JEDEDIAH CARTER
I is ride now......
(boldly pausing)
If'n ah doan git these here maters out the groun, Foist Lady gonna have my hide!
PINKERTON MAN
Never mind that, my clever fellow; see here, you having any truck with rebel spies, are ya?
A distinct Irish lilt has characterized this cop's voice; he is growing frustrated with the intelligence of this supposed fool.
JEDEDIAH CARTER
(proudly)
Eyes a loyal Union man, ah am; loss two cousins in dis here war, down South.
PINKERTON MAN
We'll be watchin ya, fella, you see that ya keep yer nose in this here dirt.
JEDEDIAH CARTER
(sensing strength)
But suh, ah woiks in de house...ain't no dirt in dat house!
(smiling)
Cop walks away in a huff, looking back in anger.
CUT TO PRESENT DAY:
INT. LUCIANO'S SOCIAL CLUB IN NY-NIGHT
The Luciano gang leaders are gathered for a meeting, in pursuit of the actions planned in Corsica: pressure is on from Hoover for 'information' and from the black shirts, through their killings of the Sicilians, who must be led to believe that they have bought their American cousins.
MOB BUTTONMAN
'Scuse, Don Luciano.....
LUCKY LUCIANO
What is it? Has she arrived?
MOB BUTTONMAN
Yeah....yes, Don.
LUCKY LUCIANO
Show her in.
Marta enters, commanding, owning the room with her elegance--she is attired as if just come from a formal evening out, an evening when she was to have displayed her 'house broken' puppy, Jeffords, to her handlers for reassurance of them that her mission was well in hand.
LUCKY LUCIANO
Welcome, Miss Sundstrum.....may I get you some refreshment?
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
Why, yes, thank you; perhaps a mineral water, this is business.
He motions for the water; she is taken with his manners and his ruggedly handsome face, in the way women drawn to power are.
LUCKY LUCIANO
As you say, to business.
(looks at purse)
I don't think you have brought it with you.
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
Not quite.
(hands him paper)
Will this do?
LUCKY LUCIANO
Without looking at it, he passes it to a short, balding man, not Italian by appearance.
MEYER LANSKY

This international letter of credit is not 'irrevocable'.
LUCKY LUCIANO
What about that?
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
I'm at a loss....you see I don't handle such things, the brass does.
He senses she is merely a sex toy, albeit an elegant one, only a go-between in this instance; this time, she is just the distracting messenger; they never figured on Meyer, a Jew, as Luciano's ironic touch.
LUCKY LUCIANO
So are we according to my associate here; tell me my lovely messenger, do you happen to know who does?
(she nods)
Well, then maybe you could deliver a message for us: 'Your attempted delivery tells me that the 'brass', as your beautiful messenger calls you, is mostly hangin in your private parts'-----you getting this? Capish? You're part Italian, right....
(she nods again)
Good; now, can you see to it that it gets to the 'brass' balls band you represent as soon as possible----we need the gelt, as my associate calls it, to acquire certain Chinese fireworks, lots a middle men these days.
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
So I've heard; there's a Depression on, I'm told. Made quite an impression on most of the world, your system's collapse.
MEYER LANSKY
You got us confused with those crooks on Wall Street, honey; that
's a closed shop, especially to us; we're just businessmen....our 'system's' more like a reallocation of previously kleptoed wealth. And just so we're clearly understood, it's your people are holding up progress----ours and theirs as new...partners.
LUCKY LUCIANO
Yes, be a real shame, no fireworks on the Fourth, of this year...or any other year, for that matter. People suffered enough, don't you think, need a 'new world order', ain't that right? You ready for the rest of the message?
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
Certainly, all part of the service, and, I believe that phrase is Herr Hitler's.
She has kept her cool, no giveaway pantomimes, proving them right about her relative innocence.
LUCKY LUCIANO
Touche....heard that in a swordfightin movie once, always wanted ta use it....here goes: 'Unless we're made happy about this obvious mistake in the paperwork, we're gonna need our kinda metal, as in Fort Knox, acid-tested ....and up front.'
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
His Excellency's people will comply, I am sure, immediately in correcting this.... error. On behalf of Il Duce, you have my personal assurances.
LUCKY LUCIANO
He is, if I may say so, one very lucky 'cue ball', you ask me.
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
How do you mean?
LUCKY LUCIANO
Having you in his service, of course.
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
It is an honor to be so; owing to him I have had the privilege of, how do you say, rubbing elbows with certain royal personages of Europe, including, now, of course, Il Duce, Sir Benito Mussolini. But, you haven't answered my question---cue ball?
LUCKY LUCIANO
Usually, it's me askin the questions...they play billiards, right, these royals......let's just hope that certain newly crowned cue ball don't rub up against this eight ball....
(smirking)
...tell me, Miss Sundstrum, you enjoy your work, is it satisfying?
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
Let's just say that commerce is the most satisfying intercourse.
They are duly impressed with her acumen and poise.
LUCKY LUCIANO
Perhaps some day your 'services' may be useful to me as well.
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
(boldly)
I'm sorry, but they are the sole property of Il Duce.
LUCKY LUCIANO
Dark nights servicing the black Knight, eh? Well, now that we are 'partners' in crime, maybe he'll agree to the occasional loan of your...skills.
(the men laugh)
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
She ignores the sexual innuendo, long since immune.
I'm afraid I don't take your meaning---what is this 'black' knight reference you make?
LUCKY LUCIANO
Oh, that, just a, what you call it, observation concernin a question a sartorial taste's all; you know, black shirts and all that stuff.
She rises to leave, ignoring beautifully the last innuendo.
MEYER LANSKY
Miss Sundstrum, one more thing: be sure and tell your handlers, the big brass ones, to avoid any further fucking with us, especially with the help, however inadvertent, of so lovely a distraction .
MARTA SUNDSTRUM
If it's any consolation, if it was what you say it was, it was their attempt at a royal fucking.
(she smiles)
They stand out of respect for her 'brass balls' loyalty.
CUT TO NEXT DAY:
INT. WHITE HOUSE DINING ROOM-EVENING
FDR is dining with Edgah, per invitation; Hoover has little or nothing to go on, so he bluffs/bullshits, telling the Prez what he wants to hear, he thinks.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Well, Edgah, hope your appetite is good, my Negress cook, Cecelia, has prepared one of your favorite dishes.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
He is puzzled, having never eaten there before.
Oh, oh....fine, but that wasn't necessary.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Nonsense, gotta keep the Chief copper well-nourished for the tough battles ahead, eh?
J. EDGAR HOOVER
You're too kind, sir; and I think I can put your mind at ease with this Jeffords business, Mr. President. My confidential sources tell me that this Sundstrum woman, if I recall her name correctly, is from a family of ne'er do well hangers on to Tyrolian Italian-German lesser idle royal types, really low living, sinful.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
That so, idle rich, eh; go on.
FDR is probing, as he knows more than Hoover knows he knows, by far.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Yessir, in a few days I think we'll have it all wrapped up, this sordid business; don't be too hard on Jeff, just impressionable's all, if I may say so, sir.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Good to hear, reassuring; is she attractive?
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Not by my standards, sir, no, just a foreign tart it would appear.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Interesting; if my recollection serves, know the type, very sensual. Time was, when I was a young scamp, it was hard....not to be hard!
(belly laugh)
Sorry, Edgah, didn't mean to spoil your supper.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Not at all, sir, I take your meaning; still, not a woman born could cause me or any of my trained Agents to compromise themselves or their country.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
You're not suggesting.......
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Oh, no, sir! Red-blooded young American, your Jeffords; no, just naive, barely 23 as I recall; besides, don't see what on Earth she could have thought to get out of him.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
You think she's a spy?
J. EDGAR HOOVER
If she is, she's not a very capable one; from what you've told me, young Jeff might have given her some dry statistics about shipping, but, no, siree, nothing you couldn't learn on the street.......
Hoover catches himself, bordering on revealing his cozy 'confidential sources' and their nefarious identity.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Do go on, fascinating stuff, really; you were saying?
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Nothing really, sir, just mean that they could have gone about it more easily, using street toughs, that sort of thing if they wanted to probe for weaknesses.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
It's the 'they' part that bothers me, not the young woman or even Jeffy. Do you remember my original, very public charge to you Edgah?
FDR has grown stern of face, posture, catching Hoover off guard.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Why yes, sir, you were very supportive, very prescient about this sabotage business being a real potential problem.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
"Find them", I said, stuck my neck out for you, in an important cause. Tell me Edgah, have any plans for the upcoming Fourth?
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Why, no sir, nothing in.....
(cut off)
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Excellent; how would you like to go to New York for me, sort of a 'show the flag' tour, the kind old TR did with the 'white navy', that sort of thing.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Great man, Theodore, like yourself sir; I'd be proud, even though New York is hardly a hostile world; you flatter me.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Don't be so hasty, Edgah-----remember, I was Governor of New York; and that City can be like a foreign bastion, now can't it?
OLD FASHIONED TELESCOPING DOWN FADE OUT.
EXT. NEW YORK HARBOR DOCKSIDE WAREHOUSE AREA- EVENING
The Fourth of July celebration is nearing; security is lax, in accord with the Luciano shills and fronts' plan.
WE SEE A HUGE EXPLOSIVE CONFLAGRATION, AT PRECISELY THE TIME THE FIREWORKS BEGIN; HOOVER IS RUSHING TO THE SCENE, AS IS FRANK LEE ROILES, WHO HE HAS SENT FOR, AND WHO HAS TRAINED UP FROM WASHINGTON.
FRANK ROILES
What the Hell were you thinkin, Edgah, letting this sorta thing happen?
Frank, of course, knows HE could have helped prevent it, with the letter he has copied, but he planned to use that as leverage when it might be far more important, when he was sure something he only sensed was up; now was that occasion, when Hoover couldn't use it against him.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Don't you take that tone with me, you low living son of a bitch! Goddam NY cops're on the take, alls I can say.
FRANK ROILES
Sell it somewhere else, will ya Edgah, that's news only to newborns.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Well, you bastard, I'm sure no newborn; why, I built the goddam Bureau from nothing, trained every Agent........
FRANK ROILES
Would you put a sock in it! Remember me, um one of those agents, know the score, right; you think there's a mouse farts round here don't have mobster permission?!
J. EDGAR HOOVER
What're you implying, you lousy ingrate? Why, I....
FRANK ROILES
Nothing, except you're the guy's got all the confidential informants, and the guy whose gettin hosed by em at the same time's all.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
God damn it, you been holding out on me, you......Jimmy Egan over at the White House tells me you been snoopin round there, and the carpool people say you're visiting some strange places lately. Maybe you need a rest, reassignment, maybe to California, say.
FRANK ROILES
Ok, Edgah, but any direction I go, the 'way' I go, you're goin with me, capish?
Edgah has gone pale; he now is listening intently.
FRANK ROILES
Look, with the dynamite I'm onto, this looks like what it was: an unfortunate fireworks explosion----see, some wino sleeping in the warehouse there
(pointing)
Lights a butt and, boom....capish? Do we understand each other, you pickin up what um puttin down? This thing is big, whatever it is, and your pals been screwin with you so hard ya can't feel the smoke they're blowing up your shute!
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Now just calm down, for Christ's sake; I know you're an old fencer, alright, so stop sticking that damn sword in me; let's get this place cordoned off and secure, then it's back to my---our---hotel!
Frank knows when to lighten things up; now is such a moment.
FRANK ROILES
And for your information, it's called 'parrying', with palpable hits, not even blood drawn sometimes, I might add. A true fencer is a strategist, see, doesn't always wanna kill the adversary, might be useful alive, reminder to others, that sort of thing. With what I know and they know, could be all this sparring can be turned in favor of America, remember her, Edgah, starts with an A, not an E.

It begins to rain, helping the firefighters behind them.

Come on, got somethin been savin for a rainy day wanna show ya.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Yeah, yeah, don't worry, I'm 'en garde', now.
CUT TO:
INT. MANHATTAN DA'S OFFICES-DAY
The ambitious District Attorney, Thomas Dewey, is elated at having finally obtained enough 'evidence' to bust up the New York mobsters; this will be his ticket to a Republican White House, as he abhors the ideas of a reelected Roosevelt.
THOMAS E. DEWEY
Are you absolutely sure....
(interrupted)
CHIEF INVESTIGATOR
Thom, would you please relax, we've got the goods on him this time, no question. Funny how witnesses can 'find' their memories when you make it worthwhile.
THOMAS E. DEWEY
Just as long as we can deport him, that's all I care about----can you believe it, the son of a bitch never became a citizen!
(laughing)
FLASHBACK TO THREE YEARS AGO:
INT. RECORDER OF VITAL STATISTICS OFFICE D.C.-LATE AFTERNOON
One J. Edgar Hoover has paid a visit to the long-serving official incharge of birth and other statistical records for the District; he has a very special request to make.
WILEY RAMSON
Well, saints preserve me, if it ain't J. Edgar Hoo....
(interrupted)
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Alright, alright, you can cut the Lodge greetings, got it? Are we alone?
WILEY RAMSON
Why, sure, Edgah, told ya everyone leaves 4:30, like clockwork. Don't worry.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Can't be too careful in my position; look, are we agreed on this thing.....you know I can do a lot of good for you and your family.
WILEY RAMSON
Hey, we's old pals, ain't we, no need for all that talk bout favoritism---now that makes me nervous, know I don't like no public life, no sir; me, just wanna be left alone, doin my job, all proper like.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
(angry)
You call this proper?
WILEY RAMSON
Well, sir, yes I do, if'n it'll kill off all this rabid nonsense the coloreds been spreadin ever since can remember
(holds up document)
This'll do the trick, sure enough. Why, most folks don't recall that small fire we had back in '98.....I was a junior clerk then; yessir, all the Negro records was burnt up, what ones we had, notorious about not reportin, to this day, what with no doc around.
Edgah peruses the Duplicate Birth Certificate and is impressed.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
This is nice work....official seal, from that period and all!
WILEY RAMSON
Packrat, that's me; throw nuthin out, and this here seal was near wore out
(shows it)
Why, no good anymore, after this last impression!
He smashes the seal into small pieces, places them in a handkerchief and hands it to Edgah.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
This calls for a celebration!
He pulls out a flask, passing it to Wiley; then, he is out the back door, into the alley, where Wiley's brother,his deaf driver, is waiting.
FADE TO BLACK/PRESENT DAY..
INT. MARTA'S NEW YORK APARTMENT-MORNING
It is July 5th; Marta is found dead by her landlady, strangled; the local Agent tailing her has called in Edgah.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Anybody else on this?
NY AGENT
No sir, you wanted.....
(cut off)
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Alright; now, you wanna tell me how the Hell this happened with you shadowing her?
NY AGENT
Well, I was hit over the head, sir.
(wincing)
FRANK ROILES
Smitty, you better get that looked at, huh?
NY agent leaves them alone with the coroner, who is preparing to take her to the City morgue.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Say, doc, you know this is a federal matter, no locals, and no press, got it?
FRANK ROILES
That's right, doc.
(flashes his ID)
CORONER
Ok, ok, hey, what do I know from spies.
FRANK ROILES
Just keep it like that---ignorance is bliss, eh.
Coroner and crew leave.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Well, this is just fucking ducky! What the blazes do I tell the Pres......looks like I'll have to implicate your Negro friend, what's his name, Dipsey Carter?
(smirking)
FRANK ROILES
Slow down, there, Chief, you know you don't want to do that, Wiley or no Wiley...
Hoover turns his whitest; as he is dark, this is something even to Frank.

Look pretty white to me, all of a sudden; no, if you talk to anyone it's your 'confidential sources' buddies---something tells me they, and the President, may just know more than you think.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
What are you saying, that the White House is somehow involved, covering up for little Jeffy?!
FRANK ROILES
Maybe, but not the way you think; he's far too smart for that sort of thing without a damned good reason. No, even with the '40 election, he could use this thing either way.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
You mean......against the isolationist crowd and her murderers with one stone, claiming Jeffords volunteered for 'king & country' as bait?
FRANK ROILES
Well, here's one bird already killed that would tend to get you off the hook, huh, Edgah; anyway, I mean he knows who she was, what she was up to.
Frank has been searching the apartment while they spoke; he comes across a phone number, with "LL" next to it.
FRANK ROILES
Know any one with these initials that she might have met?
(smiling)
One thing's for sure---whoever did this wanted that to be found.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Frame up, seen it to many times.
FRANK ROILES
Yeah.....the question is always who's the framer. Who knows, might've even studied your methods.....
Frank dials the phone, handing it to Hoover, who stares intently at it, then puts it to his ear.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESIDENTIAL STUDY-EARLY EVE.
FDR and Jeffords are having a father/son heart to heart; they are both enjoying a cocktail and a rare time together.
JEFFORDS ROOSEVELT
Pa, you know, these last few days, I can't recall a time when we were........
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Good from bad, my boy, positive from a negative---why it reminds me of all the hand-wringing when I was diagnosed; they all wrote me off, including me, I suppose, was awfully blue, bluer than I've ever been, son.
JEFFORDS ROOSEVELT
Almost the way I felt that evening, when you confronted me about the letter Dips...
.... introduced me to the 'blues'....
(under breath)
had found; funny, she referred to our .....well, tryst as a 'blue.......blue rendezvous'.....how could I have been so...
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Human? Some of the brightest do the dumbest th.....
(the wheels are turning)
interesting; might be some sort of code name for her operation......
JEFFORDS ROOSEVELT
You always were keen on this espionage business...
(cut off)
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Young man!.......
JEFFORDS ROOSEVELT
(apologetic)
Pa, I didn't mean......
(cut off)
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
You've given me a capital idea, young man, simply capital! Be a good fellow and fetch Harry Hopkins for me, will you....and Jeff, I'm proud of the way you're handling this thing and....so very sorry to have neglected....my fatherly duties, won't happen again, if I can....
(faint tear)
JEFFORDS ROOSEVELT
Let's not forget my duties.....I'm off, this time with the Secret Service.
FADE TO WHITE.
INT. LUCKY LUCIANO'S PENTHOUSE AT THE WALDORF ASTORIA-NIGHT
FRANK ROILES

I don't have to tell you the risk I'm taking by coming........
(cut off)
LUCKY LUCIANO
Please, relax; no one knows you're here, 'sides, your boss can always call ya a loose, how you say.....
FRANK ROILES
Canon....I'm an old salt. Edgah says you have a proposition for him; ain't it funny, we got one for you.
JUMP CUT TO SAME DAY:
INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESIDENTIAL STUDY-LATE EVE.
HARRY HOPKINS
Boss, gotta admit, this is some pickle.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Harry, you know sometimes the pickle's just the thing that's missing to make the sandwich, hey old boy?
HARRY HOPKINS
Well, I guess that makes us the meat, half-baked at that, what with the Republicans and Dewey on one side, and the old guard New Dealer 'domestic'-only agenda squeezing us but good.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Well said, my boy; which leads me to the extra garnish to this snack, perhaps fit for a 'king'!
HARRY HOPKINS
Just as long as his highness is popular, spell that popularly electable, and throwing the crown into the public coffers, for good measure.



FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
The master politician is now in full flower, best in the face of fearful events.
Amen & Hallelujah, that is the gospel! Now look, thanks to a couple of loyal citizens, old Frankie Roiles--remember him from the Harvard fencing squad?
HARRY HOPKINS
Hell, yes, real pistol.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Right,good man, he, nonetheless......he and one of our top porters here, we got wind of this 'Blue Rendezvous' plan that the Fascists cooked up to please their Bosch corporal master, what with that assassination business down in Miami few years back blowing up in his face---press actually thought to lay that one at the corporal's feet, my idea, but the Wall Streeters liked doing business with him too much, 'birds of a feather'....; now, good red-blooded American lad that he was, 'twas young Jeffords 'unto the breach', sacrificing his virginity.....
HARRY HOPKINS
Come on, boss, the public isn't that damnably naive!
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Just joshing with you, Harry, old man, forget the deflowering , good idea, carried to excess to drive home a point, the old fencing enthusiast in me, suppose; nevertheless 'Young American lad, barred from the military, undertakes to defend America, the homeland, on its own soil, with manhood his weapon'---can see the papers now. Any problems with it, speak up, old man.
HARRY HOPKINS
Mr. President.....Franklin, been with you a long time, and you know that I don't mince words
(pauses)
It's so unorthodox, it might just work, by Jupiter. Why, you, your Bureau and the Party look swell, finally shutting up the appeasers, all that ilk. They'll simply never see it coming, at home or abroad.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
(pensive)
Harry, I sense it may just be old mighty Jupiter, or, more properly, the Jewish Jehovah, at work here.
He has turned suddenly somber yet resolutely powerful in his aspect and Hopkins feels it, the thing that has always made FDR charismatic.
(now smiling, out of reverie)
Capital.....get me Edgah, think he's back from New York.
OLD FASHIONED PEEL AWAY CUT TO NEXT WEEK.
EXT. HYDE PARK NEW YORK ROOSEVELT HOME-DAY
In this secluded spot, on a Sunday's seemingly normal retreat, long before the days of Camp David or a prying media, and when deference to the President's privacy was the rule, a diverse group of men have gathered to alter history in a way even they had not forseen.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Gentlemen, all, welcome; I'm sure that most of you who don't know me or otherwise may have opposed me or my policies from time to time are more than curious about why, and just how, our paths, our 'destinies', if you will, have converged.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Mr. President, as you know, the press is expecting an announcement, in exchange for their agreement to keep mum's the word, so I hope all present understand that we are Americans first and last; party differences, and other so-called priorities, must be subordinate to our present crisis.
HARLAN LIEBOWITZ
I share the Director's, and your, patriotism Mr. President and, as legal counsel to Mr. Luciano, allow me to say that he does as well.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Mr. Dewey, may we depend upon your discretion as well?
THOMAS E. DEWEY
Let me reiterate what I told you in my office, Edgah: America first, politics be damned! I am prepared to wait until Hell freezes over for my chance at the Presidency.......
(looks at Prez)
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
(to himself)
Why you old dog you, playing it to the 'hilt.'....
(smiling at own cleverness)
Why, there's another of those fencing terms!
THOMAS E. DEWEY

.......if it means actually being able to defeat the Axis's growing threat to us all and, into the bargain, remove Mr. Liebowitz's client from these shores and our headlines.
J. EDGAR HOOVER
Well, Thomas, it's that last comment we wish to take up in some detail here; you see, Mr. Luciano will be effectively acting as an agent of mine in Italy, a seeming captive tool of Mussolini himself-----he must appear in the headlines, and often, reminding all Americans that we are in mortal danger from these thugs of the Axis.


In exchange, of course, he may keep the Axis lucre and enjoy amnesty from all past crimes.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Well said, by all. Into this so-called bargain with the Devil, our botta segreta believe the Italian maestros call it, we shall enjoy his unwittingly foolish arousal of Americans of Italian descent against Mussolini whilst Ill Duce, with 2 'l's, mind you, believes precisely the opposite, thinking to portray us as callous, exploitative xenophobes, if not racialists at that!
HARRY HOPKINS


Begging your pardon, Mr. President, but exactly how will Mussolini and his Fascists be sold this notion that Luciano can control his organized criminals, not to mention us ,through them---no offense intended to your client, Mr. Leibowitz---from Rome?
HARLAN LIEBOWITZ
To the contrary, Harry, he'd be flattered, way you put it so pointedly....
(smiling)
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
That's where Edgah and his boys, his agents, headed up by Frank Lee Roiles, old Harvard man, I might add--- hell of a fencer, I'm told, spread the word to their operatives here and abroad that, well, we're all corrupt, been in bed with them for years!
Edgah noticeably squirms especially with Dewey and FDR glaring at him. Frank Lee Roiles comes out of the house joining his boss.
HARRY HOPKINS
Why, here's Frank now.......just talking about you.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
'Speak of the Devil, he appears.'...that how it goes?
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Droll, very droll; isn't there another aspect of your plan, something you've called 'mis-information', some such cloak 'n dagger thing?
FRANK ROILES
Well, yes; borrowed from an Italian fencing term, actually, call it 'impetinata', a feint, false attack, that sort of thing, your 'dagger' remark's right on....point
(smiles at Prez)
Boy, these bladey terms do get into the language, don't they!....and the cloak, really a defensive weapon, very useful...apropos to that, the Director here
(gesturing to Edgah)
Has agreed to a smear campaign aimed at his background-----it seems he's really a Negro, you see
(all laugh)
Mixed, really, sort of a mutt, with Italian and German blood, to boot!
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
As in 'jack boot', eh?
FRANK ROILES
Nice one, Mr. President; anyway, the 'Ity/Kraut' blood gambit is especially cute---Edgah's own touch, might add
(Hoover squirms)

--- what with all that racial crap these clowns been weened on from the bloody teet of absurdity; along with the negroid thing, well, it'll go over big with their propaganda jerks, 'goosing up' their bravado to the point of foolhardiness.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Rather like that comical marching business, that 'goose-step', they call it, completely ridiculous; your teet analogy, brings to mind that Roman legend of Romulus & Remus, suckled by a she-wolf-----and they dare to call us bumpkins!
FRANK ROILES
(this time he smiles at Prez)
This, gentlemen, is the coup de grace...
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
You see, another swordplayer's term, well done; please, continue.....



FRANK ROILES

Uh, yeah, thanks again, sir, good a you to point that out to the uninitiated, refers to putting a vulnerable adversary out of their, and our, misery---the 'grace' part, nothin to do with whether they deserve it, but, fair play's at the heart a swordsmanship---sort of a double whammy, with them thinkin we're so damned Puritanical, no low blows from these guys, ha!, that's a laugh, ain't it Edgah. On top a all that, Mr. Luciano, he becomes a valuable propaganda tool for the Fascists and the Krauts, what with your point about America turning on its immigrant populations, second class citizens when the heat is on, that sort of thing; usin him, so visible in the press and all, Mr. Luciano persuades the 'sweet one' to lay off his Sicilian cousins, valuable allies in dealing retribution to those ingrate Americans. I met with Mr. L and, well, pretty intelligent fellow, loyal American, really, for a non-citizen, thinks he can hoodwink these nut jobs, with our help, says it's easier than what he had to deal with growing up in the streets of New York.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
'Hell's Kitchen', they call it....very descriptive....even profound, actually.
(motions to go on)
FRANK ROILES
Now, to really help sell this fine 'kettle of fish', we have enlisted the press boys; just got off the phone with all the big editors and the wire services, who're on board 100% once you confirm it, that is, sir.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Of course, it's hush-hush, press can't, well, act like the press on this one....they can't have it in writ.....
FRANK ROILES
No, sir; they've been made to realize that it's gotta be strictly verbal, like the Italian maestros taught us back there on the fencing team, not up on all my funny Italian terminology, but it means 'plausible deniability', that sorta thing....
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Say, like that, don't recall ever having heard it.... but our particular maestro was a German; Harry, let's get the War Department onto that, eh, could be rather useful in wartime should it come, heaven forbid.
FRANK ROILES
Seems they've been impressed by the investigative work ole Edgah--- and our boys have done, linking this fireworks display to 'Ill' Duchey himself. The dead woman clinched it, really, what with her mother being Mussolini's main squeeze and all.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Capital, just capital! I wish to propose a toast.
A black porter, Dips Carter, Jr. himself, comes out with champagne on cue, serving Hoover first who is self-consciously kind to him.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Thank you, Dipsey.... boys, this man here was quite important to setting this whole plan in motion, real American hero, won't forget it----thank you, my friend.
Frank Lee Roiles is beaming, Hoover continues to squirm, smiling like the clown he is, crying on the inside.
DIPS CARTER
Why, th...thank you, suh, thank you very kindly.....
(misty eyed, leaves proudly)

Gentlemen, on this momentous occasion for the freedom and sanctity of the lives of all freedom loving men and women everywhere, I propose a toast to what we have decided to call our 'Blue Rendezvous', borrowed, like Frankie's Italian fencing maneuvers, from these Italian brutes themselves, so named in reference---coded of course, to , how shall I phrase this delicately......
FRANK ROILES
(sarcasm)
Beggin your pardon for the interruption, sir, but might I suggest we adopt the Limey term 'buggering', seems somehow more, shall we say, civilized than the Germanic counterpart......under the circumstances, that is.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Can't be using that gutteral term, splendid, very classy, old boy, sure our staunch allies the Brits would approve, something tells me they'll be integral to our plan's overall enforcement, one way or another....yes, now, where was I, oh, yes, to Operation 'Blue Rendezvous', and the ultimate fu....buggering of 'Ill'---- spell that with two 'l's----Duchey and
(Cheshire grin)
those nefarious enemies who have sought to do thusly unto us!
Glasses are raised and clinked.

FADE OUT FROM BRIGHT LIGHT TO SEPIA TONE.
INT. CANCER TREATMENT HOSPICE-DAY
Carlotta's story, an exclusive, has just been nominated for a Pulitzer. It is 1985.
FRANK ROILES
I heard bout your good luck.
(smiles painfully)
CARLOTTA PIETRO
Good luck spelled F R A N K, and not just for me, how about the free world.
FRANK ROILES
Happy for you.
CARLOTTA PIETRO
And I for you, finally you will get the credit you deserve; Frank, I never connected the dots till I finished but you, you're kind of a modern day Schoepenhauer, the way you brought all those different players together.
FRANK ROILES
Not like I planned it, don't get carried away.
CARLOTTA PIETRO
Spare me the humility----just look at the material you had to work with: a deeply conflicted boss, didn't know, or really want to know, who the Hell he was till the day he died. Then you got a kid trying to get even with the old man, turns into a cardboard hero.........The real miracle was Dewey.
FRANK ROILES
You kiddin, ever heard of 'strange bedfellows'----these two took the taco, but .....it had to be a continent-sized bed!
(laughing)
Naw, the really tough nut was Edgah goin along with that black thing, all over the press; finally, after I told him it was gettin out one way or the other, he caved ,figured 'misinformation' was his best bet, and it worked......too well, made it his signature mode of operation.
CARLOTTA PIETRO
But the King letter, it's public knowledge.
FRANK ROILES
Sweetness, that's why I got with you in the first place, remember; can't tolerate folks not knowing their history's all. Yes Edgah was as black as you, but he hated himself , all the more for hating himself, costliest identity crisis in American history. Yes, he tried to come clean then, in the 60's, but it was too late, he was in too deep with other elements, the die was cast, just look at the Kennedy thing, goddam disgraceful the way he played everybody, 'sept his masters----I could piss blood! Today, he's more hated than he could have imagined being who he was. God may not throw dice, but that rascal's mode of operation is spelled 'i-r-o-n-y'!
CARLOTTA PIETRO
Hey, careful or you will; look, I'll carry the torch from here on out, ok?

FRANK ROILES
You're gonna need more than a torch, honey; do me a favor, get me that tall deal in the closet, got somethin for ya.
CARLOTTA PIETRO
What? You think you can give me more than you have?
She fetches a velvet coverlet with a thin heavyish long object.
FRANK ROILES
Open it......want you to have it, key to the whole deal, really.
CARLOTTA PIETRO
All the fencing references.....of course.
FRANK ROILES
Actually used it against the President.....
(smiling)
Seriously, great sense of humor: we were sitting down, both in wheelchairs, damnedest thing you ever saw; beat me.
WE SEE THIS WILD EVENT INSIDE THE ESTATE AT HYDE PARK; IT IS THE SEMINAL EVENT OF ITS KIND, LATER REFERRED TO BY FUTURE DISABILITY ADVOCATES AS THE SEED BED OF THE WHEELCHAIR ATHLETE MOVEMENT.
CARLOTTA PIETRO
Didn't you hold back?
FRANK ROILES
You kidding, man had the upper body strength of a charging bull, but finesse at the same time; really, couldn't get near him with my rapier. Says to me, goading me, 'Stop sitting on the fence', Frank! Really beat me with his mind, you see. Greatest political mind since Lincoln, and Lincoln never fenced. Now, see how important that stick is? It can help win some mighty big battles.
CARLOTTA PIETRO
I hear you. You know, my favorite story in a story, what I think helped me get nominated was the Carters, how they worked for those two great Presidents.
FRANK ROILES
Dips....... what a character; know what we did after the world's first seated fencing match.......listened to the blues, with Mr. Carter himself; President even gave him an engraved spitoon from the White House!
They share a laugh, then Frank grew pale again. Carlotta is asked to leave as Frank is weak.
CUT TO SIX MONTHS LATER:
INT. NEW YORK HOTEL BALLROOM-EVENING
It is the Pulitzers, and Carlotta has won.
MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I have the signal honor of presenting to you this year's winner of our storied prize, to a great storyteller, fittingly; the truth, while her ally in this superb work, was itself aided by her heartfelt energy, somehow coming through in every word, every page. I give you this year's awardee, Ms. Carlotta Pietro......along with the Roiles Brothers Trio!
Ovation and cheering by her family, children. A blues trio, backed by Frank, is playing, Frank's surprise.
CARLOTTA PIETRO
(laughing/crying)
Distinguished guests, tonight I am very much saddened.
The crowd is hushed.
CARLOTTA PIETRO
I do not exaggerate when I say to you that I would gladly relinquish this honor to have in our midst its inspiration, Mr. Frank Lee Roiles. They say we all have teachers, with a capital T, always there, with us, that angel tapping on our shoulder, or that knowing in your heart that the brain ain't got a clue about; so very patiently---they know we've got eternity--- until one day we finally listen, and we 'get it'. Frank was mine......And what did I learn? History is made by people, and not just the so-called great ones who, they would all admit freely, all had their quiet Teachers, too. Its made by the Beulah Mae Jacksons, my great aunt, and Frank's nurse maid; the Dips Carters, and his proud ancestor, Jedediah who served Abraham Lincoln; and, of course, Frank, who, as you know, was America's practicing disciple of a guy with the unlikeliest name for so exquisite a truth, Schoepenhauer----my editors know I sure couldn't spell it! Frank's story, you know the one, of the enemy skipper----that's our story, all of us, it's just that we have forgotten it. And what's the moral of that story of stories: we are all, somehow, some way, connected, like it or not; I don't know about you, but I'm not going to ever forget it, that moral, again.
Applause, enthusiastic.
For it's that moral that puts morality itself to shame-----fact is, you don't need anything else to guide you. Now, Frank, he wasn't perfect, Lord knows, liked to drink on occasion.....and every day was an occasion. But, often our weaknesses are our strengths, reminding us that we're all exactly the same underneath, deep down where science tells us what the preacher always knew: an atom is an atom-----even sounds like 'Adam', doesn't it?! That ought to seal it, then, end of sermon, you'll be glad to know. And, so, in closing, let me share one other Frankism with you........
She is handed the velvet covered sword he gave her.

You would think with all the fencing terms I used in the book that I know how to use this; well, somehow, I do, never had a lesson or even saw one till recently, this one, in fact.
(tears form)

He gave it to me, for the battles yet to come. And, so, as their literal sister, I say unto to those among the world's singular family who have yet to learn this Schoepenhauer's, a/k/a Roiles's lesson, be'en garde', the truth is right there in your heart, just be still...and listen! I share this award, and this sword, with you all, my family!
Music up, by the Frank Roiles trio, playing a jazzy 'Aul Lang Syne'.