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Some of Rodney Dangerfield's Thoughts.....

April 3 2017 at 8:08 PM
H.E. Potter  (Login Hepotter)
YF12

Rodney Dangerfield once said:


I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
*****************
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
****************
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
***************
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
****************
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
***************
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
***************
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
***************
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
**************
I knew a girl so ugly... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
**************
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
**************
I'm so ugly, I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
**************
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
**************
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
****************
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
***************
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
**************
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
****************
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
***************
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
****************
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
*****************
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
****************
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
****************
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
***************
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
**************
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
***************
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
****************
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
****************
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
****************
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
****************
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
*****************
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.
*****************
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy – for birth control.
*****************
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
************
Hepotter

 
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Timberhawk
(Login timberhawk)
YF

My favorite.

April 3 2017, 10:03 PM 

My wife's cooking is so bad, the flies helped chip in to fix the screen door.

 
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RedFeather
(Login RedFeather)
YC

The marriage counselor said my wife and I should have more sex

April 3 2017, 10:40 PM 

Now I'll never see her!

 
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John in FL.
(Login gratewhitehuntr)
AR&P

We were so poor, my rich Uncle died and I owed him $20 in the will! nt

April 4 2017, 2:32 AM 


 
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Andy H.
(Login AndyH44)
BOI

My wife's cooking is so bad....

April 4 2017, 10:16 AM 

that my cat licks his butt to get rid of the bad taste in his mouth.

 
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Ron Robinson
(Login compressive)
YC

"Take my wife..."

April 4 2017, 1:24 PM 

"PLEASE take my wife!"

I always found Dangerfield hilarious as a stand-up, but felt his comedy did not translate nearly as well to movie roles.

 
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RedFeather
(Login RedFeather)
YC

Close

April 4 2017, 3:01 PM 

Henry Youngman's signature line.

 
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savagecornmuffin
(Login savagecornmuffin)
YF12

You need your head checked. Caddyshack was a masterpiece.

April 4 2017, 3:17 PM 



    
This message has been edited by savagecornmuffin on Apr 4, 2017 3:18 PM


 
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RedFeather
(Login RedFeather)
YC

Au contraire

April 4 2017, 8:29 PM 


 
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daveshoot
(Login daveshoot)
AR&P

He was great in Caddyshack but he is a character not an actor

April 4 2017, 10:50 PM 

Or a character actor, perennially playing himself. It's ok. He and that movie were made for each other, and it clicked.

He did have a decent cameo in Natural Born Killers.

"My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door." Did we do that one already?

 
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Steve in NC
(Login pneuguy)
AR&P

What? Where's the "ugly kid / porkchop" joke? No list of Dangerfield jokes...

April 4 2017, 4:34 PM 

...is complete without it!
Steve

 
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John in FL.
(Login gratewhitehuntr)
AR&P

Uh...that was a Dangerfield joke yah know eh?

April 6 2017, 8:54 AM 

Steve says the ugly/porkchop joke is vital, I say the game of "hide and go (delete my joke) " might have been his best joke.
I think a lot of comedians were rude children who grew up cynical, yet learned to harness the time they spent laughing at human behavior into comedy.

Standup is in-your-face and sort of veers back and forth across the line.
Guess ol' Rodney crossed the line eh ? wink.gifwink.gifwink.gif



    
This message has been edited by gratewhitehuntr on Apr 6, 2017 2:20 PM


 
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RedFeather
(Login RedFeather)
YC

Nah, I don't think he was cynical

April 6 2017, 5:07 PM 

From all accounts a great guy and mentor who launched a lot of younger comedians.

'She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo" '

 
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