Things you have to believe to be a U.S. Republican today:
1- Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of peace, the environment, homosexuals, healthcare for kids and Hillary.
2- Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy again when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion - but Kerry was the flip flopper
3- Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
4- The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iran.
5- A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
6- The best way to "support the troops" and improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits, combat pay, retracting bonuses for being mamed, over-extending terms, breaking rules to keep them re-engaged most.
7- If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
8- A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, verbally attack and enflame entire nations without proof, then demand their cooperation and money.
9- Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart and are not focused on maximizing profits at the expense of our care.
10- Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
11- A president lying about an extra-marital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying 1000s of documented times, developing entire campaigns and teams of liars with our own dollars to enlist support for a war in which 100s of thousands die is solid defense policy.
12- Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages, pot and censoring the Internet.
13- The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving and military records are none of our business.
14- Being a drug addict, having married affairs and soliciting teen prostitues is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers, funds and forgiveness for your recovery.
15- What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '60s is irrelevant?