Lately I have been learning about this disorder due to the job that I have recently taken. In so doing... I have wondered how many families in the H church, who have adopted children, have had to deal with this disorder? Does anyone know anything about this? I have heard of this disorder showing up in some children when they have been adopted from foreign countries where the orphans were not cared for very well. It also has been in some families here in the US where there has been abuse and neglect, both physical and emotional in children. Some of them are in foster care and some have been adopted.

Here is a link about it. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/parenting_bonding_reactive_attachment_disorder.htm and here is another one http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/

Hi Lark,

My wife Kris has extensive experience with RAD. I don't personally have much experience with it. Though we did find many children in the adoption system who were diagnosed with RAD. Kris says that in her experience most kids with RAD were better off in a group home setting. If they were to be integrated back into a family system, it needed to be one that didn't project family closeness and intimacy. Or integration needed to happen very slowly, so that the brokenness could heal.

Mark

PS: What is your new job?

Mark
I work as a scheduler, connecting families with special needs kids with providers who can give care for the families. THis allows them to have a much needed break. I have learned quite a bit since I started in January.

Mark.. I was wondering about the idea of how RAD kids might do in the Holdeman setting. What does your wife think? I wonder this because it is a very structured environment and it doesn't seem to me that they do a lot of physical touching, i.e. hugs, etc. I say this because some of the parents of RAD kids have said that the providers absolutely should not allow the child to give hugs or hold their hand etc., because then the child thinks they can control the adult.

Lark, check out this article. I goggled rad since i've just finished reading a The Kite Runner.

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article3801614.ece

"it[Holdeman Church] is a very structured environment and it doesn't seem to me that they do a lot of physical touching, i.e. hugs, etc."

You sure about that Lark??

I don't know alot about RAD, but I sure do know alot about hugs. The more the better! Between my wife and I, between me and my boys, me and my adopted daughter,... in our family we even do the group hug thing sometimes.

***Col 3:1 If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, ***

Xep.. Just a note... by the word "it", I was NOT talking about the Holdeman Church. I WAS talking about the Holdeman culture.

In answer to your question... Perhaps your family gives lots of hugs.. I don't know. BUT from what I have seen there are many other cultures that give hugs, etc., a LOT more and they seem to be freer with giving them to people than what I have seen the Holdemans do. But then my view may be a tad askewed because as a child trying to make sense of why my Holdeman relatives can give me a hug and shake my hand in greeting but can not shake my parents hand (and sometimes not give hugs)... definitely throws a wrench in how one perceives the love that is displayed by Holdemans. The emphasis seemed to make handshaking more important than hugging. This causes confusion because most people would consider hugs to be more affectionate and showing love.


I definitely believe that structure and hugs are good for children. In the H culture, families typically all sit down and eat almost all their meals together. This is a good structured thing that in many of todays families doesn't happen.


"it[Holdeman Church] is a very structured environment and it doesn't seem to me that they do a lot of physical touching, i.e. hugs, etc."

You sure about that Lark??

I don't know alot about RAD, but I sure do know alot about hugs. The more the better! Between my wife and I, between me and my boys, me and my adopted daughter,... in our family we even do the group hug thing sometimes.

I know what you are talking about,Lark,with the showing affection thing. I think it used to be more prevalent than now and I have wondered many times why it is that way? When I grew up I cannot remember my parents ever hugging me or telling me they loved me but I didn't know better so I don't feel like it hurt me in any way since I knew they did love me from what they did and how they worried,etc. It seems to be all tied together with the whole reserved thing which shows up so much with praise or talking about spiritual things. Sometimes its like trying to pull teeth to get much out of some. My generation shows more affection..I have observed it a lot and we are quite mushy with our kids. Not a day goes by that we don't have a lot of touch and affection and "I love you's". My 13 yr. old still hugs us and tells us we're the best dad and mom in the world even if he would want to hurt me if he knew I said this. I think it's so important to keep up on it as they get older so they accept affection as a normal part of life. If you slack off as they get older then it gets harder to get back into it without someone feeling strained. There's nothing quite like a good hug!! Just my sappy two cents worth...

Arm... I have recently heard about the book "The Kite Runner". Would you recommend other people to read it? Ty for the link to the article. I found it interesting.

Cupcake
Hugging your children and telling them you love them is so much more important than buying them all the latest gadgets and toys.

With all the affluence in North America,there is a generation growing up that has everything money can buy; except parents that love and nurture them.

Neglecting to spend time with, hugging, and loving a child is, in my opinion, a form of abuse.

I think that culture is changing from when I was a little girl which is a good thing. As I child I can remember sitting on my parents laps occ, but after getting up to the teens, hugs weren't really done. Now I see more of that around. Actually it is a culture that involves the stoic Germans as well as the ducth. Sometimes more prevalent in some families then others. In other Mennonite branches as well as the h ones. Even the German Baptists and German Catholics. calledoutPTL

Lark, 'Kite Runner' is about a boy's struggles growing up in Afghanistan pre-taliban. His father takes him to America and when he is 38 he returns to Afghanistan when it is under the Taliban to locate and rescue a young boy that he brings back to the States. This young boy becomes mute and withdrawn because of his experiences. The story is not about this young boy, his behavior is not rounded out by the author which is why I googled rad - it was done out of interest in children, rather than interest in the book.

I do recommend the book. It gives insight into another culture, into father-son relationships, and into guilt and redemption.

A better book by the same author is "A Thousand Splendid Suns" I think that one is a must read. It gives a lot of history for Afghanistan and a lot of information on the lives on women in the country. It is fiction but from news articles that I've read depicts the lives of Afghan women of the past 60 years very realistically. Lark, you would like it though its tough to read at certain parts.