Christianese Translator

Christianese Translator

"Touch not mine anointed"

Means: Do what I say without questioning.

"You are 'out of your place' in the spirit"

Means: You are not complying 200% to my every command.

"Jesus came to bring a sword"

Means: I want you to cut off your family and friends and become co-dependent on me.

"Sanctify your emotions"

Means: Turn off your brain and let me do the thinking for you.

"You have an independent spirit"

Means: You have begun to think for yourself again - now stop it, or else!

"Yeah, and the Lord would say to thee..."

Means: I'm getting ready to give you your marching orders.

"I'm getting ready to read somebody's mail"

Means: I want you to think I have psychic powers and can read your mind.

"We should all speak the same thing" (based on 1 Cor 1:10)

Means: Always agree with the leadership, anything else is strife or rebellion.

After "Joe" leaves the church it is said of him: "Oh, Joe wouldn't let us pastor him".

Means: Joe wouldn't submit enough and let us control/manipulate him.

"Truth is not always the truth if it is not spoken in love."

Means: you are in sin if you say anything bad about us!

"The Bible doesn't have anything to say about votes, ballets, etc."

Means: I am in total control & you will have no say-so."

"I'm discerning an attitude!"

Means: I am about to rip one of your heads off in public to make you an example

of what happens to anyone who crosses me.

"I wonder if some of you are even saved!"

Means: Your assurance of salvation should not be based in your acceptance of the sacrifice that Jesus made at Calvary, but rather in adhering to my every demand -
and that has been brought into question!

"This is not a democracy - it's a theocracy."

Means: I am in total control here. Whatever I say goes.


"God put it on my heart"

Means:"I really want to tell you this (or really want to do this) and if I just say

I WANT to, you'll be able to tell me why I shouldn't, but if I tell you GOD SAID then

you can't argue with it, can you?)


"Quiet Time"

Means: (NO clue what that was when I went to church... never read it in the bible)

"Praise and Worship"

(What's the dif??? ....oh yeah.... we had some teaching about the difference from time
to time so you could tell when you were praising and when you were worshiping. LOL!)

"I'm blessed"

Means:"life sucks, but I have my head buried in the sand and am avoiding all issues
in my life in favor of seeking after religious experiences"....)

"I love you in the Lord"

Means: I CAN'T STAND you in the natural! LOL!!! )


"Dance in the Spirit"

Means: It's Ok to dance a jig in church, so long as we believe that God gives the moves. Just move your feet, silly. We'll supply the music. Better not have a human partner!

"Gifts of the Spirit"

Means: Well Ok, there are more than one, but WE only want you to speak in tongues.

It keeps the service more lively and impresses others, especially visitors.

"Nominal Christian"

Means: Normal Christian, not one with super-gifts. Those in other churches.

Not one of us because we know we are more holy and could teach them some things!

"Slain in the Spirit"

Means: We knock them down & expect you to believe God did it.

Side note: Someone stands behind them to help them fall easy.

This is our insurance policy, so there's no personal injuries, hence no lawsuits.



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