A dilemma (Greek δί-λημμα "double proposition") is a problem offering at least two solutions or possibilities, of which none are practically acceptable; one in this position has been traditionally described as being impaled on the horns of a dilemma, neither horn being comfortable.
I'm not really sure in which of these twin threads I should post this, but here's my greatly agonized over, probably grossly over thought opinion.
A dilemma that you and countless others live daily lives inside of. I do not wish anyone to have to go through the pain of leaving, but here is why we did. We left for our unborn (and still unborn) children. Long and short of it. If it was just us, we could have lived on in our hypocrisy indefinitely, because we knew we were simply playing the game.
Inside, your kids will be raised for you. There is a very good chance they won't "mess up", but come on. So you never got drunk, never explored a budding sexuality, never stole a street sign or smoked a joint. Really not much of an accomplishment if none of those things were available to you.
Outside, you will have to raise your kids. They will very likely "mess up". Thank goodness for a God that knows how human we are. They may even mess up for a really long time, in which case, who, again, are we kidding? The only difference between this life and the squeaky-clean one they could have lived inside the church is that what is in the heart is allowed to manifest.
I remember all too well, being a teenager inside. Thank goodness I had a parent that encouraged truthfulness without fear of punishment, so that I was able to communicate and find the help I needed to muddle through it. Even then, I was compulsively untruthful, fearing not punishment, but judgement... and felt not even a bit of a tug of conviction for it. After all, just my admitting to myself the need to lie about it, identifying it as something I knew would not be approved of was proof of my maturity and ability to handle it on my own, I reasoned.
So instead of having sex, instead of bumping and grinding on a dance floor, we rode for miles together in vehicles designed to accomodate about three less than we put in them. Nobody said what everybody was thinking. Hormones ran rampant. Boy's arms somehow landed across girl's chests, and neither made a move to stop it. Hands ended up in laps, but in such tight quarters, who was to say it was not an accident? Skirts rode up to mid-thigh or higher, but then again, after a few efforts were made to pull them down, they were allowed to ride high. the driver needed to be able to shift, after all. And if all of that led to something once the ride was over, nobody ever knew, and nobody ever told. In my own case, it did not, but only because I was too stupid to recognize advances I only recognize now, looking back, so heavily disguised were they so that neither party had to let the other know what they were thinking and risk the consequent judgment. I, desperate for approval in that stew of exclusivity and hypocrisy known as the "youth group", only knew of one way to feel approved of. I did not over analyze it, I just let that skirt ride high, laughed at quasi-crude jokes I did not get and secretly suspected were at my expense, wore a heavily padded bra and cinched my belt down to twenty-three inches. And made like it was all an accident. Played dumb to double entendres if ever called on them. It was this constant drowning experience. Always thinking about it, especially since we were not supposed to, always almost there, but not quite, always terrified of being judged and walking the tightrope between what we wanted and what the other kids, in their judgmental cruelty, would call us on.
Instead of stealing street signs and smoking dope, we dodged chaperones and listened to music and watched movies. Big crime there. We kept our law-breaking to something we would not actually have to answer for, and when we did do something naughty, we did it on nights we had a sleep-out in someone's back yard, so we would always have an alibi. We spent many hours concocting stories with just enough truth in them to get us off the hook.
I don't want my kids to get those signals. I don't want them to be compulsive liars, or ever, ever have to twist the truth. Honestly, I would rather be humitiated by one of their bad choices than give them an adolescence like mine, pummeled by double-meaning and never sure which messages they are receiving, so there is nothing solid to even be able to say no to. I want them to know that it is ok to be transparent and vulnerable, and if someone takes advantage of their transparency and vulnerability, that it is an option to remove themselves from that person's life. And I know that it is not possible to be that way inside, despite the best parenting, because that's what I had and I still count from 13 to 22 as the most hellish years of my life because I just never knew from which direction the next shot was coming.
So if that means my kids learn about safe sex, and then proceed to practice, I want to be there for them when they realize what the consequences, psychological and (though I really hope not) physical, of premarital sex are. I want to be at home waiting for them the first time they get high or drunk and make a total fool of themselves, and I do not want them to know that I have any selfish reason for wanting them to tow the line. I want them to know that although I expect the best from them, I can handle the worst and nothing, ever, could be bad enough to lie about. Because the physical manifestation of what is in one's heart lasts as long as it takes to repent of it, but a mind twisted by the need to lie is much harder to renounce. And kids, impressionable young kids, are so susceptable to the signals their parents give.
Now my caveat is, I do not have children. The responsibility terrifies me. I keep asking for another year to find my own convictions before I am given responsibility to shape a precious, fragile mind. But it was for them that we did what we did, "took the easier road", as was pronounced from the pulpit in the Great Judgment, the last judgment from that church that has to affect us. Funny how the easier road can be so much harder.
As for you, if you feel you can raise kids who will not be the kind of compulsively sneaky, shady-side-of-truth telling type that many of their friends will be, by all means, stay in. I do not know that any personal gain you might find for yourself is worth that kind of sacrifice, if you already understand that it is a game and you are good at playing it. But the moment you have to tell your kids not to mention that amusement park or TV show, stop and listen to yourself.
Trust me, I know exactly what the dilemma is. It's not in or out. So my whole overthought story really means nothing to you, just inapplicable print on a computer screen. It is, how to raise kids who have an adult's appreciation of the games adults play, without compromising their minds by introducing them to a game. I don't judge you for not leaving. I decided that was one thing I should not take with me, and I have renounced it time and again, since. It is ok that you do not want to leave your family. And I think you are on the right track by recognizing the problem. Now the risk you face is that your children will lose respect for the church and they will leave when you could not, or they will stay in wishing they could be out.
Spedals you put a tremendous amount of thought into that, thanks for sharing it.
I guess you are new to the forum, so welcome here!
I don't quite know how or whether to agree with you or not.
But something in your post just ringns a bell, and it arose a memory of contempt that terrified me about the H kids, for there was a degree of deception that naturally arose in there "way", that simply was unparalleled in my experience.
Spedals
Thanks!! You just hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what I've been thinking lately.
Thankyou for putting my own thoughts into words better than I ever could have myself!
micky
Mickey and Jalen, I would advise you to find someone you can trust who has been through your experiences and confide in them. When I was going through that process, those on the Holdeman Survivor forum (many who are here now) helped me out and gave me confidence. It is often easier to pour it all out in an impersonal way like here on the forum or with someone personally through email. I had several friends who went through the experience with me so I had that support also. If it wasn't for all those who helped me, I doubt I could have made it. I am praying for you that you will follow God's timing. I've talked about that before on this forum but you are probably new here. Feel free to ask questions if you like. Some people have told their experiences on this forum and it may help to read them and see if they suit your needs.
**And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.**
Thanks for the input TR,I have been watching this forum for quite a while.I enjoy the debates.I wish it would get back to the place it was several monthgs ago. I would like to hear more from some of the others.
"I don't quite know how or whether to agree with you or not."
I thought that would be the deal for her post.
Brent I said that because I personally want my kids to "chose" to do right of their own accord, and that requires they taste a little of the forbidden fruit to realize the bitterness it holds.
But I also see that the holdeman way of no conscience except the rule keeping, seems to work at least partially, Though many of the kids tend to be warped, that is why I am not sure if I agree or not, for I can sort of see both ways and good and bad in each.
You know Brent, it is truly a pity that God hasn't seen fit to give you a family and many sons and daughters, The answers aren't so easy when they are there and are your friends.
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