My husband brings home some good ones from work..

You Might Be In EMS If..

You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm...

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you..

You have the bladder capacity of 5 people..

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac..

You believe that shallow gene pool should be a diagnosis..

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce..

You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at a complete stranger.. ( this happens quite a bit around here..or I think he wants to hold my hand and he is actually taking my pulse)

You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable x-ray machine..

You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset.."you've had the pain for three weeks..well,have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days.."

You think caffeine should be made available in I V form..

You have a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how it got stuck in there"..

You know it's going to be a bad day in the ER when..

The paramedics are all using mops to clean up the ambulance and the EMTs are using a hose.

The off shift group has a hard time keeping a straight face when giving report,especially about Room 15.

Your first patient of the day insists there is no way she can be pregnant. She's crowning.

Your next 5 patients and their families all scream at you in different languages,none of which you speak.

Your next patient screams at you in a language you do understand, but you can't remember hearing that many obscenities strung together at once.

The intoxicated transvestite in Room15 keeps trying to get your phone number "because you are just too sweet".

No one remembered to buy coffee.

The hospital has a disaster drill and you were the only one who wasn't tipped off.

The psychiatric patient who thinks he is Jesus is placed in the same room as another patient who thinks he is Satan.

The paramedics who offer to go pick up lunch and coffee just advised over the radio they have witnessed a motor vehicle accident involving a transit bus and a mini van. "Stand by for update".

You hear the influenza virus is traveling through the local convalescent homes like wildfire.

The psychiatric patient's delusions are beginning to make sense.

One of the best ones here yrs ago was the patient that showed up in Er with the tattoo on their back of dotted lines with little scissors on them just like a dress pattern and the instructions "Cut on the dotted line"



the worst ambulance trip I ever had was when I was 7 mos pregnant being transfered from the local hospital to the high risk unit in another county, Due to my precarious health risk, I was to be in a fully equiped unit, including a nurse and a paramedic. I went with one basic EMT, there was not even a working blood pressure cuff, and I watched to road all the way up the interstate thru the hole in the door. It was a real scary trip for someone that had a EMT husband and knew what an equiped ambulance was supposed to be.

Actual patient charts--

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 yr old male,mentally alert but forgetful.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.

She is numb from her toes down.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

The lab test indicates abnormal lover function.

Large brown stool ambulating in hall.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Exam of genitalia reveals he is circus sized.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me,we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The patient lives at home with his mother,father and pet turtle who is currently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Coming fron Detroit,this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Exam of the genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accomodation.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

One last thing and I will be done.

A drunk man in an Oldsmobile
They said had run the light
That caused the six car pile up
On 109 that night.

When broken bodies lay about
And blood was everywhere,
The sirens screamed out eulogies
For death was in the air.

A mother,trapped inside her car,
Was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air:
"Oh,God,please spare my boys!"

She fought to loose her pinned hands;
She struggled to get free,
But mangled metal held her fast
In grim captivity.

Her frightened eyes then focused
On where the back seat had once been,
But all she saw was broken glass and
Two children's seats crushed in.

Her twins were nowhere to be seen;
She did not hear them cry
And then she prayed they'd been thrown free,
"Oh,God,don't let them die!"

Then firemen came and cut her loose,
But when they searched the back,
They found therein no little boys,
But the seat belts were intact.

They thought the woman had gone mad
And was traveling alone,
But when they turned to question her
They discovered she was gone.

Policemen saw her running wild
And screaming above the noise
In beseeching supplication,
"Please help me find my boys!"

"They're four years old and wear blue shirts;
Their jeans are blue to match."
One cop spoke up, "They're in my car,
And they don't have a scratch.

They said their daddy put them there
And gave them each a cone,
And told them both to wait for mom
To come and take them home.

I've searched the area high and low,
But I can't find their dad.
He must have fled the scene,
I guess, and that is very bad."

The mother hugged the twins and said,
While wiping at a tear,
"He could not flee the scene,you see,
For he's been dead a year."

The cop just looked confused and asked,
"Now,how can that be true?"
The boys said,"Mommy,Daddy came
And left a kiss for you.

He told us not to worry
And that you would be alright,
And then he put us in this car with
The pretty flashing light.

We wanted him to stay with us
Because we miss him so,
But,Mommy,he just hugged us tight
And said he had to go.

He said some day we'd understand
And told us not to fuss,
And he said to tell you,Mommy,
He's watching over us."

The mother knew without a doubt
That what they spoke was true,
For she recalled their Dad's last words:
"I will watch over you."

The firemen's notes could not explain
The twisted,mangled car,
And how the three of them escaped
Without a single scar.

But on the cop's report was scribed
In print so very fine,
"An angel walked the beat tonight
On Highway 109."

Cupcake,
I laughed when I read the part about how you think he is reaching for your hand when really he is just checking your pulse. I have had my EMT husband do that many times...
Or the odd times when he checks his own pulse just to see how hard his heart is really pounding!
Those were great! It is so fascinating to me to hear all the stories of some of the bizarre calls they go out on. Some not repeatable!!

April, I LOLed when I read your post! It's really funny to hear I'm not the only one. He reaches over and I think Awww,how sweet, and just as I start to curl my fingers around his I feel his fingers pressing firmly on my wrist!
I didn't know Ben was in EMS..I think you have mentioned fire before. How long has he been doing it and what type of service?

And some stories would be so fun to share but we can't because of patient privacy! I edited several out of the above stuff.

Cupcake,
Ben and I got married at 18 and he joined the fire department in New Plymouth. When he was 21 he was put in as fire chief there. he was the youngest fire chief ever appointed in the state of Idaho (granted it was a small department...). He then became a First Responder and loved that, from there went on to EMT basic and shortly after that we moved to Nampa where he took on a 3,000 acre farm. That took all his time for a few years and he let his certification slide. He volunteers on a small fire department with no EMS out south of Nampa where most of our farm is.
Then last year he got recertified as an EMT and began running shifts at another department in a neighboring town.
He loves it! The farming is a full-time job now, but when that gets pushed out by houses Ben would really like to become a full-time firefighter/EMT. He has his degree in fire fighting science and teaches a few classes a month at the fire departments he is on. Firefighting and EMS work is his passion... but money is in farming!