A patient tells his doctor he has a terrible problem:
every morning at 8am he has a bowel movement.
"What's wrong with that?" asks his doctor. "I don't get up until 9am"
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a
busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman
rushed to help him.
As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the
crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've
had a course in First Aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you
get to the part about calling a Doctor ...... I'm already here."
I think any guy who films his wife giving birth, she ought to be
able to film his hemorrhoid surgery later on. 'Look girls, Tony
is totally dilated. What a trooper he was!'
Two lawyers set up a partnership and agreee to divide all their earnings equally.
On their first day in business, a man comes in for a basic contract."
That will be $100" says one of the lawyers.
The client hands over the cash, but unknown to him, there are two notes stuck together.
The lawyer is confronted with his first ethical dilemma: should he share the cash with his partner?
What do a lawyer and sperm have in common?
A one in three million chance of becoming a human being.
IF Adam and Eve were alive today, they would probably sue the Snake.
An English Teacher wrote:
"Woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard of her Year Ten class, then told the students to punctuate it correctly.
The boys wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The girls wrote: "Woman: without her, man is nothing."
A student comes to a young professor's office.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes
seductively into his eyes.
"I mean," she whispers, "I would do
anything."
He returns her gaze."Anything?"
"ANYTHING"
His voice softens. "Anything??"
She smiles mischievously, "Anything."
His voice turns to a whisper,
"Would you . . . STUDY?"
Maths Tests over the years:
Arithmetic test, 1960's:
"A logger cuts and sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is four-fifths of that amount. What is his profit?"
"New Maths" test 1970's"
"A logger exchanges a set (T) of timber for a set (M) of money.
The cardinallity of set M is 100.
The Set C of production costs containting 20 fewer points.
What cardinality of set P is profits?"
Dumbed-down test, 1980's"
"A logger cuts and sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost is $80; his profit is $20. Find and circle the number 20"
New Age test 1990's
"A logger cuts down a beautiful forest of 100 trees in order to make a $20 profit.
Write an essay explaining how you feel about this as a way to make money"
What is an Accountant's idea of trashing a hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest "comment card".
A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager in his company.
He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job, asking each applicant the question "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee to turn up was a journalist. "Twenty-two" he answered.
The second applicant was a social worker.
She said "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we have time together to discuss this important question".
The last applicant for the job was an accountant, who got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, then came back and sat down. He leant across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
What do Accountants use for birth control?
Their personallities.
Quotes from Employee Evaluations
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"This employee has delusions of adequacy."
"She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"He's so dense, light bends around him."
"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what,maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
"Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be a Supervisor, or possibly someone in Senior Management."
Office Prayer:
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they annoyed me.
Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the butt I have to kiss tomorrow. "
Jokes, Quotes, free ebooks & Personal Development:
http://personal-enterprise-self-help-resources.com
Fast track your MLM Business Success
http://free-mlm-consultants-training.com
Make Your Own Website:
http://make-your-own-web-site-fast.com
Daily News & Business Entrepreneur Tools:
http://www.strategic-services-aust.com