I was raised by my grandparents since I was 6 weeks old. Sadly, I lost my grandmother to Emphysema(sp?) in 2000 when I was 15-years-old, I lost my grandfather to heart failure in 2005 at aged 19.

I reacted to my grandmother's death very badly, I went into severe depression, skipped school and lashed out at people. I wasn't a pleasant girl to be around. I'd cry at anything, too. My grandfather's death I took better, but that was because I may have not allowed myself to grieve. I didn't want to go off the rails like I did at 15, so I was scared to express myself. I didn't want to hurt my family like I did before, I didn't want to drag my partner into my grief.

I'm feeling down lately, I still live in the same house where we lived and where my grandmother died. I live my my grandfather's carers, my aunt and uncle. I really wish I could get out of this house, I feel like it's depressing me. I have bad memories of this place and wish I had enough money to rent my own place.

I feel like I am now grieving for my grandfather, a year later. I know I should have let myself grieve, but I wanted to be strong. I know he's no longer suffering, he was only ever in and out of hospital the last couple of years of his life and wanted to "be with" my gran.

I'm not sure what to do, I tried talking to people. I miss my grandparents so much, I wish they were still here. They were my parents, I feel like an orphan even though I'm still close with my real parents. I lost the two most special people to me before I turned 20, I feel like I was too young to lose them. They didn't deserve to die the way they did, they were amazing people. I love them so much, I wish I could see them again.

I was born in my grandparents house and was very close to my grandmother. When she died it felt like the end of the world but i was married by then and my wife helped me through it. But i still miss her. When my grandfather died, strangley i didn't grieve quite as much. I think it was because when my grandmother died it was my first experience of losing a close relative and wasn't expected but my grandfathers death was. Then i lost my dad which was a very painful experience too. Recently my wife died and that was the worst pain i have ever known.
Grieving is a very personal emotion and can take many forms and has no time limit. But the fact of the matter is loved ones do die and don't come back. They are not in pain now but we,the ones left,are. Would your grandmother want to see you still in pain? I don't think she would. I think she would tell you there is a big world on the outside of grieving and you have to rejoin that world and make the best of it you can. Live with your memories,Sarah,but not in them or you will make yourself ill. Talk about the nice memories to people. The ones that made you laugh and not the ones that cause you pain. It will get better love...it really will. Not easy to accept that i know but i have been there a few times now and i know it does.
If you ever feel like dropping me a line when you are down please do. I'm a good listener and i care.

mick

mick.hutchinson@gmail.com