Hello all, this is my first ever post on a message board.

I lost my Dad 2 years ago tomorrow, and I mostly feel very accepting, as if I've done all my grieving for him. But then 6 months ago I lost my Mum too.

Now I feel like with the anniversary of Dad's death coming around again, it's all so much more than I know how to bear. Today I've been horrible to everyone I met. I just feel so angry I don't know what to do with myself!

Neither of parents made it to the other side of their fifties. Dad was only 58, and it was a terrible shock. He had bowel cancer and was gone in 6 weeks.
Mum suffered from MS for 20 years, and because she lost speech and cognitive abilities (we think, but we'll never know) it's hard to know when I lost her. It's hard to know who to mourn, the lady who brought me up until I was 9, the angry, bitter woman who struggled with her increasing disabilty throughout my teens, or the person lying in the nursing home for the last 5 years of her life. She was only 53 when she breathed her last, but 31 when she first got the MS. When did she really "die"? I don't know.

Now facing my first Christmas without parents, my pain is only confounded by the fact that my brother, who has a dope problem, doesn't want to spend time with the family. That's not only at Christmas time, that's all the time. I will see my younger brother just after Christmas, at our aunt's house.

I'm spending Christmas with my partner's family, who I don't know very well.

I'm falling to pieces and worried that I'm going to end up venting all this anger unhealthily at my in-laws/my aunt's family. But where else would I go? Mum & Dad are gone, the family home is gone. I live as a lodger with a family who have just had a bereavement themselves, and need some space.

I feel homeless and afraid.

I have no special request for any practical question. I think I just needed to tell someone how I feel. is that ok?

HI Sarah,
I am so sorry for your losses, I lost my brother on 6 December 06 and my sister 3 years ago and both my parents over 20 years ago, it is awful that emptiness. I think grief can isolate us for a time. But take one day at a time thats all I can do and the grief process is different for each of us, denial, anger, all those frustrations inside. Not sure if i helped at all but my grief is still new only 4 weeks so feel like i am on another planet at the mo.
take care and peace to you

Cx

Dear Chrissie

Thank you so much for your message. It helps so much to make contact with others who understand the isolation and pain of grief.

I was so sorry to hear of your losses, and so grateful that someone suffering that much pain can still take a moment to think about the feelings of someone else. You have inspired me today!

All blessings and peace to you,

Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Firstly i am so so sorry to hear of your losses. I myself lost my sister 4 years ago and then my beloved Dad died on 19th Dec this year. It is so easy just to get engulfed in grief at this time and the feelings of vunerability and insecurity you are swamped in, are to be expected after the loss of your sibling and both parents. It means you are normal and that despite our Parent's being far from perfect (as none of us are) it means you simply loved them. Life throws all sorts at us and for you to lose the people closest to you is one of the cruelest blows thrown at us. As much as it is no consolation to you , it is good that you have your partner to support you at this terrible , black time. SARAH HAVE HOPE, OUR LOST ONE'S ARE ALWAYS AROUND US please don't be too hard on yourself, you are entitled to cry and grieve for as long as it takes you to feel better, no-one can take that away from you. I myself feel much grief at losing my much loved Dad but as every day passes i try to convince myself that i'm not alone in my grief and that millions of other people experience it during their life. I have loving siblings and friends and husband but i still felt totally alone when Dad died and felt that i had this black cloud hanging over me that wouldn't shift. Please just take one day at a time and i will pray for you
Best regards,
Jennifer.

Hi Sarah,

I lost my dad,and sometimes the pain is so intense I just want to scream. I have only had one loss I find it hard to imagine how you must feel after losing both your parents - it's so sad and so unfair.

I understand how you feel angry and need to vent this, I feel so angry when people like my partner's mother expect me to get 'over it' just like that. I sometimes feel he too has had enough of listening to my grief - it's awful.

I also understand how it is to have a brother with a dope problem,my brother is now 19 and for the first 6 months he was never sober, as he couldn't deal with the pain. He's so young and I feel so much pain for him as well, he is now starting to confront his feelings, maybe your brother will in time. My brother hated being around the rest of the family, and couldn't cope with us all in floods of tears. He's slowly spending more time with us, not sure if it will last though.

I think you need to find strength in the fact that you are not alone, there are so many people who have had major losses and I things have to get better for you but it's going to take time.

I keep telling myself to carry on because my dad did, I realise now what a strong person he was. He had so much loss in his life, he was orphaned a very young age, and then lost all his brothers and sisters, he was the only survivor left, he carried on until the end. People do, I don't know how but they do.

Wishing you well
Kiran