My auntie died from cancer in September, she truly was one of the nicest people you could ever wish to meet. She would open up her home to anyone and often did.
Her death was the most awful thing....
She was diagnosed with cancer of the oesophagus 12 mths ago at the age of 47 and was told she didnt have long to live, she decided to give up and she lay on the settee at home for 6mths she never bathed, she couldnt eat she had gave up. I used to pop down to see her, not often as i couldnt bear to see her like that. I offered to look after her, she wasnt interested. She eventually went in a hospice, and i still made visits with my children and partner, one night i said to my husband "I need to see her, it cant wait till tomorrow, please drop me off and you and the kids come home" When i got there she was sitting up and talking,but said she was in agony and before i knew it she couldnt breathe, she had a oxygen mask on, I tried to talk to her and she said she couldnt talk. Next thing i know the nurses are asking me to leave whilst they changed her, then i realised she had lost control of her bowels. As i left the room she started sobbing and muttering "help me please" over and over. Even when she was dying she tried not to upset me. By then i knew she was about to die, the nurses asked if i was sure i wanted to go back in there. Of course she was alone. Help me was the last thing she said, her body got cold, her breathing laboured and with a tear in her eye she died. She was so scared you could see it in her face, every time i go to sleep i see her dying and calling for help, I cant close my eyes till they drop by themselves.
I dont regret being there for her, i loved her so much and we were always close, but i will be haunted by her death always, it hurts so much.......

I'm so sorry to hear about you terrible loss, my dad died suddenly so I don't know what it's like to watch someone waste away like you did.

I feel your pain in what you have written, terrible dreams are all part of grieving they will pass in time, I have them too.

I know it's too difficult at the moment but you will eventually remember your aunt with fond memories, before she became ill.

I'm afraid after 9 months of grieving I have realised there is no quick fix & we all have to go through a process.

Please be strong, it will become easier.

I know what you are going through. We watched my dear husband waste away and he was in so much pain at the end.
We held his hand but he was scared too and was struggling for breath after battling pancreatic cancer for many months.
The bad memories will fade and good memories will replace them.
We only lost him last September and the pain does ease but you never forget and the loss never goes away.
We are thinking and praying for you and hope you will find inner peace soon.