Last month my mummy and daddy and sister died in a car crash. I feel so sad and cross and stupid and angry and so sad all at the same time. I keep thinking that what if they didn't actually die, and it was a mistake. But where are they then? How do I know that they have actually died, they would never die would they?

I feel so hopeless that I don't know how to say it, one minute I can't stop crying, the next I don't feel anything at all, I can't understand it. And I feel really bad, because I once had a dream about daddy dying, and now it's happened. And I didn't even have time to say that I loved them.

Now its like my whole world has disappeared, and everything is gone except me. I've got nobody left to talk to, and nobody to love me or cuddle me. What if I die too, because I never thought it would happen to them, but it has, so what if it happens to me. I'm really scared now that I might die in a car crash.

Now I'm living in a childrens home, but I can't talk to the other children because I don't want them to see me cry. And I've started wetting the bed every night since it happened, but I don't want them to find out, because they'll say I'm a baby. And every night I can't get to sleep because I have tummyache and I'm scared that maybe I'll die in my sleep, and I keep having bad dreams.

Please reply, and mummy or daddy if you see this please come back because I need you and want you.

Sweethart,

Please speak to someone, I am very worried that you will make your self ill, you say that you are in a home now, how old are you? Do you have any other family to speak to? I know you are young and feel this way, But I am a grown person and lost my little sister and feel the same, So please speak to someone and tell then how you feel.

Love K

What's your name? I don't have anybody to speak to, because they've gone. Why are you worried that I will make myself ill? Is that why I've been having tummyaches and bad dreams, and wetting the bed? I feel so angry and so sad and really guilty, and I don't know what to do, I just want them to come back. Do you feel like this about your little sister? I am 11 years old. How old are you? I don't really have anyone else to talk to, my grandad's in hospital because he has lukemea and my uncle lives in yorkshire. Who should I speak to? I don't want anybody else, I just want my mummy and daddy and sister back. I wish they would just come back now. Do you think that they would? I don't want to die, and I don't want them to die, I just want everything to be how it was before.

Dear Ellie,

My Name is Kiran and I am 31. I am happy that you've replied to my message as at least you can speak to me, but why has no one at the home you are staying at spoken to you, especially with you having tummy problems and bad dreams - I feel so sad to know that there is no one nearby for you to talk to as I have a daughter who will be 11 in a few months and would be very upset if she was feeling how you are and had no one nearby to understand or listen to her.

I know that you only want your Mum & Dad, I feel like that too about my sister that I only want her or to be with her- But then I have to think about what she would have wanted me to do. I am sure your Mum and Dad are in Heaven and watching over you, along with your sister. You need to know that they would not want you to cry all the time , even though I know its hard not to.
I am sure they want you to achieve all the best things as you grow up, and you must always think they are with you.

I dont know what else to say sweetie I know you want things to go back to how they were and its going to be hard to get some stability but you need to be strong so that they can see you are ok.

Ellie, Please try and speak to someone at the home, or try and find out if you can speak to a Doctor about how you feel.

I hope you will speak to me if need be.

Love, Kiran

Hello Kiran
I havn't replied for a long time because I've been going back to school. It's horrible though because I can't talk to anyone, I don't know why, and whenever a teacher asks me a question I just can't answer them, and I feel like my tongue can't move. And whenever someone mentions mummy or daddy or Hattie I just cry and then I feel silly so I run away from them. My careworker has talked to me, but she is quite busy and I can't talk to her, I just end up crying or feeling even worse. I feel so bad it's like I've been ripped apart, and there's no-one at all left and I want them back so much. I still have bad dreams and tummyaches, but my careworker gave me these things called drynites so that I don't get a wet bed, only I can't let the other children know because they would think I was a baby. What's your daughter's name? When did your sister die? I just wish that mummy and daddy haven't gone, and I want them to come back so much. I wish so hard that they would come back. And mummy and daddy didn't even believe in heaven, so where are they now? Perhaps they could still come back. I try not to cry all the time, but i can't help it, I just can't talk and it's really scary when I feel so sad. I know they don't want me to cry, but I don't want them to leave me. I just can't do anything without them. I wish so hard that things would go back to how they were before. I can't speak to anyone at the home. Why should I talk to a doctor? I'm not sick am I? The only person who I don't feel bad around, and I don't have to run away from is my maths teacher. He gave me a chocolate bar the other day and said that if I ever wanted to talk to him I could go to his office at lunchtime. But I'm scared of crying in front of him, so I don't really want to go.

Please reply to me

from Ellie

Hello Kiran

I havn't replied for a long time because I've been going back to school. It's horrible though because I can't talk to anyone, I don't know why, and whenever a teacher asks me a question I just can't answer them, and I feel like my tongue can't move. And whenever someone mentions mummy or daddy or Hattie I just cry and then I feel silly so I run away from them. My careworker has talked to me, but she is quite busy and I can't talk to her, I just end up crying or feeling even worse. I feel so bad it's like I've been ripped apart, and there's no-one at all left and I want them back so much. I still have bad dreams and tummyaches, but my careworker gave me these things called drynites so that I don't get a wet bed, only I can't let the other children know because they would think I was a baby. What's your daughter's name? When did your sister die? I just wish that mummy and daddy haven't gone, and I want them to come back so much. I wish so hard that they would come back. And mummy and daddy didn't even believe in heaven, so where are they now? Perhaps they could still come back. I try not to cry all the time, but i can't help it, I just can't talk and it's really scary when I feel so sad. I know they don't want me to cry, but I don't want them to leave me. I just can't do anything without them. I wish so hard that things would go back to how they were before. I can't speak to anyone at the home. Why should I talk to a doctor? I'm not sick am I? The only person who I don't feel bad around, and I don't have to run away from is my maths teacher. He gave me a chocolate bar the other day and said that if I ever wanted to talk to him I could go to his office at lunchtime. But I'm scared of crying in front of him, so I don't really want to go.

Please reply to me

from Ellie

Please will somebody reply, I don't know what to do and I want somebody.

hello ellie

i have no idea what to say as i can't imagine the pain youre feeling, but i wanted to reply so you know that you're not alone and what you are feeling is totally normal! my older sister was killed in a car accident 6 months ago and i don't feel like i'll ever get over it. i'm 18 and at uni and i've tried so hard to not let it affect me but recently, at nights its the worst, i just cry and cry and cry. all i can say is that its good to cry and its good to let it out. never feel scared that someone will make fun of you, because in your situation i'm sure they will feel sympathy for you. i know everyone tells you to talk to someone but this can be hard (i only ever talk to my boyfriend about it and it makes me very guilty but i have to!). i plan to write a letter soon though, of all the things i wanted to tell my sister before she died. i dont know what i'll do with it after but i think this might help so maybe you should try this too. please let me know how you're doing and if you ever need someone to talk to (as i do sometimes) then i will check back at this board...

take care xxx

Hello

What's your name? Thankyou for replying. I just feel so much all at once, I'm sad, cross, guilty, stupid and nothing at all all at once, and it's really scary because I don't know what to do. Sorry about your sister, but at least you've got other people left, I havn't got my sister or mummy or daddy, and now there's nobody at all, and it's like everything has disappeared and I want them back so much, I just wish really hard that they will come back and that it wasn't actually them who died. How do I know that it really was them who died? It might have not been them. What is uni? I can't help crying whenever anybody mentions them, and I can't talk to people, not even say a word, it just feels like I'm bursting and I don't know what to do. Do you think I should talk to my teacher? Because I need to talk to somebody and he said I could anytime, but I'm scared that I will cry, or just not be able to say anything. I don't know if I can write a letter to them.

Please reply soon

Ellie

Hi Ellie,
I can understand u feeling alone, i lost my mum and dad too. Like you i have a couple of relitives but they live far away and i'm not that close to them. Its been 8 years since my mum died, and ya even now i have bad days and good days. Todays a good one and i feel i can chat to you. Right now your feeling are raw and everything your feeling is completely normal - though to u it wont feel like that. It feels less than normal, i felt lost, alone and didnt now weather i was coming or going. I didnt feel i could talk to anyone and bottled it all up - and it wasnt good, i wish i'd had someone like a teacher or a site like this to visit. It is best to talk about it -but thats the hard part; Coz to talk about it hurts so much - it feels wrong, when infact your letting you hurt out insted of hurting yourself inside.
Its hard even now i think why them? why me? what if ? - but though this sounds harsh - u know this is real coz if it wasn't it wouldn't hurt so much. I dont know if theres a heaven but life is so amazing and complicated that i cant believe it just stops, there must be something after death - i just dont know what, but i believe that my mum is with me (i asked her not to come into the bathroom with me though!!!!!)and that one day i hope i will see her again.
Have u thought about contacting childline, you can talk to someone - they dont even have to know your name or anything, they just listen 08001111 or if u cant use a phone try online http://www.childline.org.uk/Whensomeonedies.asp My thoughts are with you ellie..... luv Daisy x

Hello Daisy

Thankyou for replying to me. I'm glad you felt how I feel too, how old were you when they died? But you're happier, because you have good days and bad days, but I only ever have bad days and I can't stop feeling bad, and crying and my mouth goes all dry and tight feeling.

But could you actually talk? Because I can't talk to anyone, not my teachers or my friends or my care worker, I just can't say a word. My class teacher got the school counsiller to come in but I couldn't talk to her, I just cried when she asked me to tell her about it. I just feel like my tongue won't move and I'm going to be sick, and I can't talk at all, it's really scary. What should I do? The only person I think I might be able to talk to is my maths teacher, because he doesn't make me, he just says I can if I want. But I'm so scared that I won't be able to say anything, or I will just cry, and then he will think I'm silly.

I just feel so sad, and cross, and bad all at once. Sometimes I feel like I'm being ripped apart, it hurts so much. I don't know what to do. And I know that I will never see them again, and they can't give me a kiss and a cuddle, and I'll never be able to play with my sister again. But how can I be sure that it was them? I can never be sure, so what if they are alive, because they're probably not really dead are they?

Thankyou for the website, I went on it, but I can't use the phone, and anyway I wouldn't be able to talk to a complete stranger about them because it would feel bad.

Please reply soon

Ellie

Hay again sweetie,
I was 18 years old, i had only been working 6 months in my first job. I had to move house with in a month and take over all the bills, washing, ironing etc which i had never done before. I felt totaly over whelmed, people saw me - an adult, and presumed i knew what i was doing, i was mature. but mentally i wasn't, and it didnt mater because when u loose someone it can make u feel lke your 5 again. theres no right or wrong way to feel.
I do have good and bad days but that took time, its been 8 years since they died. like you i had bad day after bad day, i thought i'm never gonna get over this, never, coz it hurt so bad. it still hurts now, if i'm honest it never totaly goes but i dont want it to. i know it hurts to remember them, but i'd rather hurt then forget them.
My mum spent 18 years bring me up, feeding me when i was a baby, putting a plaster on my knee, helping me with school work, i cant stop living i cant give up, coz other wise all her effort on me would be wasted. I think now - i'll show her, i'm gonna make her proud of me, coz thats what she would want.
i found it hard to talk to, i'd think i'll talk to my friend tonight, but the right moment never came up. but one night i thought i was goona die - that if i shut my eyes that would be it. it was the middle of the night and i called m best frien and she came and got me. i felt so silly, and we didnt talk but i called her - i'd reached out for help, and she didnt think it was silly.
i wrote a letter to my mum, i wrote everything, that i loved her, that i knew she was with granny, also that i was cross how dare she leave me. i chose to keep that letter it was just for me and her.but i also wrote poetry, only every now and then and wieredly it really helped - didnt think it would but it did!
If you cant talk to your teacher than write him a letter, look at you now - wow you've talken the first step thats great, your writing on here, you could print out your posts and show your teacher.
but you do need to to reach out even if you cant talk - reach out to someone, your teacher would be glad that you trusted him, he wouldn't judge you at all.
I'll be thinking of you, let me know how it goes....... luv Daisy x

P.S: just to give you another option, childline is freephone and if you really needed to you can call from any phone or phonebox at any time xxx

Hiya Ellie,

My name is Mel and I am very sorry for what you are going through. I lost someone close to me too and I felt all the things that you feel now. I too used to find it hard to talk so I used to write things down in a letter, dont be afraid to cry though huni, we all do it, adults too. Everybody gets sad and everybody feels the same emotions that you do. We all get angry, we all feel stupid but what happened to your family huni had nothing to do with you, it wasn't your fault. I know you say your parents didn't believe in Heaven but its up to you if you wantto believe that. I didn't really believe in heaven till I lost my best friend and then I found it comforting to believe that she was there. Do you believe in Angels? I believe that when my best friend died, she gained wings. Angels are very much apart of us huni, they watch over us everyday. When people die, I believe they dont leave us because they love us too much.
Just like you huni I too had the tummy aches, thats because of all the things you are feeling, because of not knowing what is happening in the future. I know things seem really hard right now but huni, things do get better. You will never forget your parents but the pain will gradually go. Please talk tosomeone whether it be on here with us or in letter form with a teacher. Where abouts do you live, not your address but what area are you from? If you want to talk on here huni, plese talk to us.
Love and BIG hugs Mel xx

Hello Daisy and Mel

Thankyou for replying.
I don't want to forget them, but I don't want to say that either because that means I think they're really gone, and then they would be, so I can't say that in case they're not. Because what if they're not actually dead?

Today in maths my teacher came and asked me how I was because I couldn't do the work, and I just started crying. I felt really silly so I ran into the corridor, but he came too, and he took me to his office and gave me a biscuit and he just let me cry, andhe didn't think I was stupid or naughty or anything. He asked me if I wanted to talk but I couldn't, but he just said I could go there whenever I wanted, because he has the beanbag corner in his room, where other children get sent if they've been bad, but he says I can use it when I need time out. I can't talk to him, I can't talk to anyonebecause it feels bad and I just can't open my mouth, I only want to talk to mummy and daddy. I might be able to write him a letter, do you think I should? But I don't want to be there when he reads it, how do I get it to him? I can't print out the posts because I'm not allowed to use the printer, what should I write in the letter. Because I don't know where to begin. Are you sure that he won't think I'm silly? And I don't want him to get the counsiller, because my class teacher did that when she found out that I couldn't talk, and I don't like the counsiller because she's scary. I can't phone childline because I don't have a phone to use and I can't talk anyway.

But when I cry it makes me feel worse, and if the other kids see me they think I'm a baby.I just feel really bad, and cross and sad and stupid all at the same time. How can I stop it, because sometimes it makes me get really bad tummyache or I get really horrible bad dreams about me dying, or being lost. And I still wet the bed, does anybody know how I can stop? Butit was kind of my fault, because if I hadn't chosen to go to my school, then my sister wouldn't have been friends with Millie, and then mummy and daddy wouldn't have been taking her to Millie's party in the car, so they would never have been in the car crash. And i never even got to say I loved them, and now I might never see them again.

But if mummy and daddy didn't believe in heaven , I don't want to either, because they must have been right. How can humans have wings and fly?

I'm not allowed to say where I live, sorry. Please reply soon.

Ellie

Thank you for your reply. First of all, what your feeling is normal for someone who has lost people that they love. Dont be scared to cry or react because no one will think your a baby. Everyone cries when they loose someone and huni you have lost three people who were and are your world. I do think you should write a letter to your teacher, tell him how you feel and how difficult you are finding it to talk. You will feel better and you can ask him to reply in a letter too. Counsellors are scary at first but they want to help you, just like the carers in your home.
There is a site you may find useful its called there4me and its run by NSPCC advisors. On the site there are children of all ages up to about 16 and they go there to talk and support each other. One of the topics they talk about is death and I know some of them on there are going through the same things.
The tummy ache and bed wetting is normal for what your going through. Once you start to deal with what has happened you will start to feel better. I know you dont want to say goodbye huni but the accident happened and unfortunately its very much real. Did you go to the funeral and say bye?? I think in order for you to start to process this you need to start by saying goodbye and I know this is really hard but yo can have someone you trust like your teacher or a carer in your home with you. Do you get on with your social worker?? Im sure the other chidren where you live are going through similar stuff. You could make some really good friends in there.
The site I was telling you about is www.there4me.co.uk and I think you may find it really useful. We are still here for you too if you want to talk.
Luv n hugs Mel xx

I forgot to say huni that what happened wasn't your fault. By you introducing your sister to her friend, you gave both of them some great memories of a great frienship I am sure they both valued. Sadly these things do happen and although we feel that it is our fault somehow, it wsn't. You werent to know what happened and I bet your family were very proud of you and sad to have to go and leave you here. I am sure that they wouldn't have wanted too.
Hope this helps.
Lv Mel xx

Hello Mel

Thank you for replying. I'm just so sad now, I don't know what to do. I keep crying and I can't help it. I just want them back so much just so that I can cuddle them and talk to them and not be alone. I wish so hard that they would come back. The only thing that would make everything better is if they did. So why won't they. I miss them so much, and I will never be able to play with my sister again, or hug mummy, or talk to daddy, and I'll never see them again, and they are the people I love most in the entire universe.

It is half term now, so I can't write a letter to my teacher, but I think I will when I go back to school. But do you think he will write one back? because I don't want him to try to make me talk, because I just can't and it makes me feel so bad. And what shall I put in the letter? I just don't know what to put because I feel so much, and I don't know how to say it all in one letter. Are you sure he won't think I'm stupid for not being able to talk? And do you think he will make me go to a counsiller? Because I'd rather just write a letter to him, because I don't like the counsiller. You say that the councillers just want to help me, but they only make it worse because she asks me how I feel, and I don't know how I feel because I feel so much all at once, and I can't talk to her anyway, so I just end up crying and feeling even worse and silly. And she's really scary because she just stares at me, and makes me really frightened.

Thankyou for the there4me website. But it says it's for children aged 12-16, and I'm only 11. Also you have to sign up, andI'm not supposed to do that. I think this website is good, because you're being so nice to me. My tummyaches havn't gone away, and they get really bad at bedtime. I am still wetting the bed too. Do you think it is very normal? I don't know anyone else who is like this. Do you know how I can make them stop?

But what if it wasn't them in the car accident, and they didn't die? How can you be sure? And I don't want to say that they're dead because they might not be, and if I said it then they would be. The funeral is not until next week, but I don't want it to come because what if they're not dead. I don't want to go to it, because I know that I will cry lots, and I don't want them to be gone. I don't want to say goodbye, because I don't want them to be gone, so I can't say bye in case they're not.

I don't really know my careworker very well, because I havn't been here long, and she's always very busy, and I can't talk to her, and she's quite scary. I don't want her, because I don't want to be here, I want to be back at home with mummy and daddy. No body else's mum and dad are dead in the home. Some of them are divorced, and Freya has a dead dad, but no-one else is as sad as me, and they all think I'm silly because I cry lots. And I can't make friends with them, because I can't talk to them. Are you sure what happened wasn't my fault? Because it could have all been different, and then this wouln't have happened.

I keep thinking about the crash. Do you think it hurt them when it happened? And do you think they thought about me? I have bad dreams about it, and they're reallly scary.

Please reply soon.

Ellie

Hey huni, first of all, crying is a natural thing, everyone cries at some time. Even adults do it so your not silly or anything like that for crying. The way you are feeling, not being able to talk or not knowing how you feel is normal for loosing people who you loved. Its called grief huni and it does get better. When I lost my friend, I was exactly the same, I couldn't talk, I just felt empty and scared, I too wanted my friend to come back. Everytime the doorbell went I thought it was her and that happened for many months. Sadly though whats happened has happened and I know it hurts you to think about it but your parents wouldnt stay away from you if they were still here huni. I know it hurts to accept what has happened but people wouldnt lie to you, not about something like that. Unfortunately these things happen and none of us like them but sadly its things we have to try to understand. I think writing the letter is a good thing, you can start by saying that you find it hard to talk about what has happened because you dont quite know how you feel and that you dont want the counsellor to be involved because you find her quite scary. Maybe if you did want to see her your teacher could come with you. Once you start writing the letter, you will know what to put but try writing how you feel and that your scared to cry because of what others may think. I think by writing the letter it will start to help you. As for the dreams and wetting the bed, these are very normal huni, Ive worked with children who have gone through something horrible and who have had the same reactions. I have had bad dreams too so i know how horrible they can be. I know you say talking is hard but it helps to deal with things when you do talk, even crying helps. Even if you want to talk more on here, thats fine huni as we are here to help you.
As for the accident, I doubt your family were in pain because I am sure there were lots of people around to help like paramedics who arrive real fast and administer pain relief which stops you from feeling pain during accidents. I think when you start to feel better or even in the letters to your teacher it may help you to talk about your dreams. I also know you said that you haven't known your careworker long and she seems busy but huni a careworker is there to support you, to listen and guide you so dont be afraid to talk to her about things. Even if thats in letter form too. I used to have a support worker and thats how I started talking to her by writing letters and it helped me so much.
As for the funeral, it will be a very hard day but I think it will help you to go, okay you dont have to say goodbye but huni funerals although quite scary help us to grieve, everyone at funerals cries, people feel bad too, just like you are feeling. So please dont be scared or embarrassed to cry if you want too. That goes for anytime huni too. Sometimes other children haven't lost people they love so they dont understand how you feel but adults understand so please dont feel silly for how your feeling.
I am always here for you anyway huni so please dont feel alone.
Lots of love and BIG hugs
Mel xx

Hi Ellie,

My name is Wenna.
I'm lots older than you (31). I don't have a mum or a dad. I fell in love with a wonderful man called Graham - he was my soulmate and my fiance. We lived together for several years and were getting married in Autumn... then 13 weeks ago he suddenly died.
I know it is not the same, but in some ways our situations are very similar. He was my whole family and my world. Now I cry and am sad all the time. All I want is for him to come back and cuddle me.
Sometimes I dream that he is alive again. I would do anything - give anything; for this to be a nightmare. I want to wake up! I want him back!

Your postings on this site made me so, so sad because you are young. I am a grown up and I don't know how to cope with my sadness and loss. I hate waking up every day. I think that you are resourceful and brave - I also think that if your parents can see you they will be SO PROUD of you!

Ellie, I don't know about wetting the bed and stomach aches, but I think it is probably because you are SO sad and stressed and because you are missing your parents and sisters so much. There is nothing wrong with you.
When Graham first died I coldn't eat for weeks, and I had bad diorrea - those things are a bit better now but it still hurts when I swallow and sometimes my chest feels tight. Also I am very scared oll of the time. Sometimes I shake.

I also don't like talking much because it makes me cry more, but I find grief web sites like this one very helpful.

Honey, I don't know about Heaven (Graham also didn't believe in Heaven) and I don't know where he is. It doesn't make sense does it? They MUST be somewhere! But here is something I absolutely, totally know FOR SURE. I know that this was NOT your fault and that you are in NO way to blame. I think that when the people we love most in the world are taken away we always feel guilty and wonder if we cold have done something to stop it happening. I cry all the time because I want to go back in time and save Graham.

Anyway Ellie i'm sending you a big hug and I am thinking of you lots. xxxxxx

Hey hun, not heard from you in a while so thought I would message you to see if you are okay as I know the funeral was sometime around now. I really hope you are okay, you have been in my thoughts and I just wish there was more I can do to help you right now.
Lots of love n hugs Mel x

Hello Mel and Wenna

Thankyou for replying. I know you said I would feel better, but I don't. I still keep crying and I can't stop it, and I still can't talk to anyone. I just can't talk at all. I'm just so sad, and I want them back so much. I wish so hard that they would come back. It hurts so much someimes that I feel sick. And I get tummyaches lots. And when I'm in lessons at school, I can't just cry, so I end up rushing out of lessons, and teachers try to talk to me but I just can't, and I feel so bad. And I always never know if my mummy and daddy might come back. I wrote two letters to my teacher, and he was really nice, he didn't talk about them or anything, he just wrote one back. But he says that I should see the counsellor, but I don't want to because she's scary, and she tries to make me talk, and my chest goes all tight and I feel sick and I always cry. I just feel so much all at once, but I can't talk. I am still wetting the bed, and it won't stop. I always have bad dreams still too. Are you sure that the accident didn't hurt them? The funeral has been postponed, so it's not until next week. But do you actually see them dead? Because I'm really scared, and I don't know what to do. I just don't want to say goodbye in case they're not gone. Also, my teacher says he will come with me if I want, but I don't know what I want.
Please reply soon.

Ellie

Im really glad you repied as I have been worried about you. When e loose people we love huni, it can take a very long time for the pain to stop. Im really glad you wrote the letter to your teacher and I am glad he replied. Maybe if you could write again and tell him that you are scared about seeing the counsellor because he could maybe ask her if you can write to each otjer for a while till you feel more comfortable with talking. He might be able to go with you. As for the nightmares and wetting the bed, these are normal huni and it is just the way you are feeling coming out in other ways. Adults get nightmares too sometimes, I just had a bad thing happen in my life and I get nightmares sometimes too and I know how scary they can be but huni we have to remember they are just that - horrible dreams. Try writing down about the dreams, you know you can talk to us about them on here if you want. Sometimes its easier to write than it is to talk, I find that too.
As for the funeral, they are quite scary but huni funerals help you to get through what has happened. I know it hurts so much but sometimes saying goodbye hurts too and I know you dont want to believe that your parents have gone but huni they wouldnt stay away from you if they were here. But please remember that even though they are not here, they loved you so much and are so proud of everything you do. I know you dont believe in Heaven and stuff and thats ok. At funerals depending on your religion, you can see the bodies if thats what you want but you dont have to do anything you dont feel comfortable with. I think it might be ok for your teacher to go with you, that way you have the support from someone you feel close too.
We are always here for you and I hope that if you want to chat you will still talk to us.
Lots of love and big hugs Mel xx

Hello Mel

Thankyou for replying. I'm sorry that you were worried about me. I have been really sad, and I havn't much felt like talking. I don't want the pain to stop, because that would mean forgetting them. I just want it to go back to how it was before. I wish that it would. Please can it? I will write to my teacher that I don't like the counsiller. Are you sure that he won't think I'm silly? My teacher phones my careworker the today, because I can't talk to her, only she came to my room and I just hid in the cupboard till she had gone, becuase I couldn't stop crying, and I can't talk. It's really scary becuase I just can't talk at all, and my chest feels tight and sometimes I feel dizzy. I just want them back so much. I wish so hard that perhaps they might. My dreams are so scary, please can I tell you them? My friends at school aren't really friends with me anymore, because I can't play with them at playtime, or talk to them. Everyone thinks I really stupid becuase I don't talk and I keep crying, and I can't stop it. Hve you ever been to a funeral? What happens? Because I am quite scared about it, and I can't get through what has happened. It hurts so much, I just don't know what to do. I don't want to say goodbye, or believe that they're gone. Because they still might not be gone, they could come back if it was a mistake. I don't know if I believe in heaven or not. But mummy and daddy didn't, so I don't want to either. I don't know if I am allowed to see their bodies. Do you think I should if I can? But what if it's not them, or it is them? I'm just so sad and so scraed, and so cross, and it hurts so much. I don't know what to do. Please reply soon.

Hey huni, Its normal to feel sad. A long time ago I lost a very close friend - infact she was my best friend and I was only a little older than you are now. I felt sad too, infact I still do now but its just not as bad. I couldnt talk either and as much as I tried too, everytime I opened my mouth nothing would come out, it was like my voice had disappeared. I wanted my friend to come back so much it hurt me too. And for a while I too thought she would. I used to think I could hear her but it was never her. I thought I saw her in the street but when I went up to the person it wasn't her - it was someone else. I used to get that same feeling in my chest and I used to cry so much.
I too was scared that I would forget my friend but the truth is huni that we dont forget things like that or people that we love. Those good times we remember are called memories and they stay with us for ever. We dont forget them and nobody can ever take them away from us.
Your teacher will not think you are silly, infact he will understand, seeing a counsellor is very scary because it isn't only somebody new but because you feel you have to talk to her about how you are feeling. Counseloors help you though huni and they dont make you do anything that you dont want to do.
As for your care worker huni, she wants to help you too and you shouldnt feel that you have to hide. I know some care workers, they are my friends and they are very lovely. Infact they are lots of fun too. Your care worker will just want to help you to settle into where you are better. And just like you write to your teacher I dont think your care worker will mind if you write to her, infact she will probably write back.
Of course you can tell me about your dreams if thats what you want to do. I will always listen to you huni and try and help you deal with them.
As for your friends, they will just want to help you and sometimes friends haven't lost people they love so they find it hard to understand how your feeling. There are lots of people around you who love you whether you talk or not, and I know you find it hard to talk but thats ok huni because I bet your voice will come back soon enough.
Yes I have been to a funeral and I was just like you, I was scared because I didnt know what to expect. Sometimes there are lots of people who are there just like you, lots of people cry at funerals and nobody thinks anyone else is silly for crying. Sometimes people talk, they say nice poems or they sing and people talk about happy memories they remember of the people who they are saying good bye too. Funerals arent really scary once you are there, we feel scared becuse we dont know what is going to happen. As for seeing the bodies, huni I cannot tell you the answer to that, you will have to see if it is an option on the day and how you feel about it. But they arent scary, they just look like they are sleeping.
As for Heaven, I dont think your mummy and Daddy will mind if you want to believe, they will want you to be happy knowing that they are ok. I believe in Heaven and I believe my friend is there.
I hope this helps you huni and I hope to talk to you again soon.
Lots of love and BIG hugs
Mel xxxx

Hello Mel

I know you say it's normal to feel sad, but I just feel so sad it hurts, and my chest goes tight and I just cry till I can't breathe. I just want them back. How old were you when your best friend died? I just can't talk at all, and the other day my geography teacher asked me a question and I just couldn't answer, and she got really cross with me and said I was rude, and I just cried and cried and I couldn't move, and my face felt like it would burst, and I felt sick, and everyone just stared at me, and then I ran away and hid in the playground. I can't talk at all, and it's really scary, and I just wish so hard they would come back. I don't want to forget them because when they come back I need things to go back to normal, so I can't go to the funeral or anything. The funeral is on Friday. My careworker and my teacher are coming, but I don't want to go. I'm just so scared and angry and sad. I might hide so that they can't take me. I just want them so much, and i want to play with my sister, and cuddle mummy and daddy. But I can't. Please don't make me go to the counsiller, because she is so scary, and I can't talk, and she does try to make me. I wrote a letter to my careworker, but she came to try and talk to me, but I couldn't. She says she is worried about me, but she shouldn't be worried about me, she should be worried about mummy and daddy and Hattie. And I'm still wetting the bed every night, and having tummyache. Can I tell you about my dream last night? I was in the car with mummy and daddy and Hattie, when it crashed and I saw them being squashed, and I couldn't do anything, and I felt like I should be able to do something, and it was so scary, and they wouldn't answer me when I talked to them. It was really horrible. I don't really have any friends anymore, because nobody wants to sit next to me or play with me because I can't talk, and I always cry. But I don't want friends, I want them back. There aren't lots of people who love me, in fact nobody loves me anymore. When will I be able to talk? I don't want to believe in heaven at all, because they don't, and they know everything like that. So I don't believe in it.
Please reply soon.

Ellie

It is very normal to feel so sad that your chest hurts and it feels like its going to burst. I used to get that too, infact its a mixture of something called anxiety when we feel really scared and the sadness we feel too.
I was thirteen when I lost my friend and just like you I couldnt talk either, I cried all the time too, even at school and just like you I wanted her back so much. Everyone kept telling me she wasn't coming back and I was angry that they would say that because best friends arent supposed to leave you are they, just like mummies and daddies and sisters arent too BUT huni sometimes things happen in this world that we cant control, that happen even though we dont want them too. I believed for so long that my friend was coming back but huni to this day she hasn't and that hurts me a lot because I miss her and I want to do all the stuff we used to do, I want to play the games we used to play, talk about all the things we used to talk about and I just want her to be there to make me laugh when I have a bad day.
I know you wrote to your care worker and huni that was such a brave thing to do because I know it is very hard, you should be so proud of yourself because Im proud that you took that step. Maybe you could write her another letter and just say that you are frightened of her talking to you and ask her to write. I know it seems strange but huni I used to do exactly the same and I felt so alone and like you I thought no one loved me but huni people dont have to be your mummy and daddy to love you. Lots of people who come into contact with you care for you very much and they worry about you because they care. Since we have been talking I have been worried about you because I wish there was more that I can do to help you.
As for School, maybe you could write to your teacher who you wrote to before and explain about the talking and maybe he could talk to the other teachers because the teacher who said you are rude is not being very kind to you right now. Just because you dont talk doesnt mean you are rude so please do not let her upset you.
Your dreams...im glad you told me huni. Sometimes when we cant talk, we have lots of questions about what has happened and sometimes we feel scared about what has happened and I think the situtaion is coming out in your dream. When bad things happen, we often take the guilt on ourselves and we think that we could have done something to prevent it from happening. Huni, the accident was not your fault and sadly there was nothing you could have done to stop it. I know it hurts and I know you dont want to believe that your mummy, daddy and Hattie have gone but huni they would be here with you if they could be, they loved you so much and I bet they were really proud of you. I know you are scared of the funeral and huni that is normal. But I think it would be good for you to go with your teacher and your careworker. If you dont like being there then you dont have to stay, you can leave at any time. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and I hope if you need to talk then you write me a message because I will be here for you. Im sending you a really big hug okay.
Lots of love Mel xx

Hey Ellie, just thought I would leave you a message to say hello and that I am thinking of you. I hope yesterday (friday) was ok and if you need to talk then we are all here for you.
Lots of love and hugs
Mel xx

Dear Mel

I am so sad, I can't stop crying, i'm even crying now. And I feel like I can't breathe, and I can't see and my head feels like it will burst. I still can't talk, and since the funeral, I havn't been able to write letters any more either. I want them back so much. I wish that they would come back, because now everything's so horrible. I want them, and all I can every think about is wanting them back, and hoping that they will come back. It hurts so much, I feel like nothing is fun anymore, and I am never happy. I just want to hug and kiss mummy and daddy, and to play with my sister, and I want them back so much. You said that it was good that I wrote to my careworker, but she said that she knew how I was feeling anyway, because my teachers had talked to her. And since the funeral I havn't been able to write letters or talk, or even smile or look at people, not even my careworker or my teacher. And now my careworker wants me to write again, but I just can't, and my teacher always tries to be nice, but I feel so stupid because I can't talk or write, and I just cry and can't breathe. Whenever anyone tries to talk to me, I get really scared, and I cry, and I just can't. You said that lots of people love me, but they don't, nobody loves me now, because I've got no-one left, and I can't talk to people anyway. Please don't worry about me, because I just want them back so much. I hate school now, because nobody is friends with me anymore, and the teachers all think I'm silly or bad. And I still wet the bed, and the other children at the home think I'm a baby. I still get bad dreams, and they are always the same ones, and they are really scary and horrible.I don't want to believe they've gone, because what if they havn't, and if I do say that they have, then I'll feel even worse, because there will be no hope. The funeral was really scary, and I couldn't stop crying, and my careworker and teacher tried to be nice, but they just made me feel sick and not able to breathe, and tight like I would burst. And I felt really bad, because I couldn't join in the hymns, and when they sung my mummy's favourite one it made me so sad that I ran out. And when I saw the coffins, I didn't want them to take them away, in case it was actually them, and they were alive inside, because then they would be buried alive. I didn't want them to take them away, but they did, and my careworker and teacher had to stop me from being too cross, but I was really sad.
Please reply soon

Ellie

Hey huni, its really good to hear from you. Sometimes thngs happen that we dont want to happen, sometimes we loose people we love with all our hearts and sometimes we want something so bad it hurts us so much. Huni, when things like this happen, it is really bad, it hurts us and makes us feel so sad, even makes us want to burst because we feel so much. This is normal.
I remember when I lost my friend, I didnt want to believe it either, I wanted her to come back so much I couldnt breathe and I couldnt talk. I too hated School because everyone thought I was a baby, they didnt understand how I felt and I felt angry because they had their best friends and I didnt have mine. Huni I know exactly how you feel.
I know you want to believe that your family are coming back but huni they sadly arent. What happened was so tragic huni and I wish that they could still be there now but huni they cant. Just like my best friend cant be with me now and just like you miss your family, I miss my friend so much that I too cry sometimes. I still have bad dreams too and I feel scared sometimes when I wake up because I want it all to be a horrible dream.
I know you said that you feel alone but you are not alone, there are so many people who care for you - Im one of them. Your care worker and your teacher want to help you too and they want the best for you. I know you think you can't be happy without your family but you can. Your family wouldnt want you to be sad, they would want you to be happy. Im sure if you felt sad when they were here that they would make you feel better so you didnt feel sad anymore.
As for the letters, its okay if you cant write them but when I lost my best friend I cut myself off from everyone around me, from my friends at school, my teachers, everyone and you know what....I felt so alone. I too felt like I had no one. So many people were trying to help me and I couldnt see it because I was so wrapped up in my feelings. Huni please do not make that mistake I did because I was really alone and I didnt like it. It took me a long time to let people into my life and now I have a couple of friends and sometimes im happy too, but I also still miss my friend. One thing I was scared of though huni was I thought if I was happy or moved on, I thought I would forget my friend but you know what, you never forget the people you love. No one can ever replace your family and no one can ever take away the happy times you all had together so please dont be scared of that. But you can be happy again. I know you find it hard to talk but talking really does help because it makes you feel better. You dont have to talk verbally you can write your letters again, even if its just to one person whether it be your care worker or your teacher. And you can always talk on here, even if you just want to say you are feeling sad, I dont mind. I want to help you in anuy way I can. I hope this helps even if its a bit. Im always here for you so please dont feel like you are on your own.
Love n hugs Mel xx

Hey huni, Im not sure if you are reading these and just not able to talk but I have been thinking about you and wanted to write.
Today I felt quite sad although I dont know why. I thought a lot about things that have happened and about my friend and all the good times we used to have. It made me cry too. Whenever I feel sad though I like to watch disney movies. Do you watch them? My favourites are Beauty and the beast, The little Mermaid, Fox and the hound, Jungle book and chicken little. What about yours? What do you like huni??
When I am upset I dont talk much either. I like to sit quietly and sometimes I want to talk but when I open my mouth nothing comes out. Sometimes I try so hard my throat hurts but yet nothing comes out. I like to draw instead or write a letter/diary. Do you like to draw?
When Im happy I like to act a bit crazy. I enjoy making people laugh. I dont have many friends because I used to find it hard to talk but I have two really good friends who I now like to laugh with. We do silly dances or sing with funny voices and it makes us laugh. Often we dont need to say anything because we know how each other is feeling and we respond to that. What makes you happy? Even though I have new friends, I still think about my friend and I still miss her lots. I miss all the happy times we spent together but remembering them and knowing we did all that fun stuff makes me happy. When my friend died, I made a box, nothing fancy but to me it was a special box. In it I put things that reminded me of my friend. Id draw pictures, write her letters, put in photo's or anything that reminded me of her. Then when I felt sad I used to get out this box and look at all the things inside. Whenever I felt really sad I would write that I was sad and I would write why, then I would put it in the box. Then when I started to feel happy again I started to write in it what had made me happy and that too would go in the box. I guess in a way I thought that my friend would see what I had written. It helped me alot.
I hope you are okay Ellie and if you want to talk or just say anything, I hope you can do so on here so that we can help you.
I am always here for you.
Love and hugs
Mel xx

hi, im 25 aned i lost my dad 2 a car crash wen i was 12 it tore my world apart i loved him so much and talked 2 no1 about it, i turned in 2 a nasty teenager who hated every1 bcoz inside my life felt over and i cudnt tell any1 coz they just wudnt understand. now as a adult i still really miss him and will always think ov him but i know that talkin 2 sum1 wud of helped. try this go 2 the person u av chosen 2 talk 2 take a big breath close ur eyes and just say wat ever ur head says dont worry about cryin its normal, slowly things will just spill out and its so hard doin it but u need 2 talk coz if u dont u will feel alone. it took me 10yrs to do this 1 night i just sat there wiv my husband closed my eyes took the big breath and away i went sayin everythin i ad felt 4 the past 10 yrs and all my memories i ad it hurt so bad tears streamed down my face and i got angry at times 2 but it felt gud 2 talk. please go and talk 2 sum1 any1 they will listen 2 u. im sorry for ur loss ur 1 strong girl,
all my love

lms x x